T H I R T Y - S E V E N
This feels cruel, leaving you with this letter, but you must understand.
If I saw your face...
If I heard your voice...
I would never be able to do this. So, I am choosing to be a coward. I think I deserve that much. Despite that two wrongs never make a right, it's my turn to be selfish.
There's so much more I want to tell you. So much so that I don't think I could find the words if I were to speak them, so I'm going to write them.
None of this is because of a lack of love. If it was enough, I could smother all of it with my love for you. I attached my head and heart to every fiber of you. That in itself might be toxic, but I don't care.
Somehow you dug yourself under my skin. You took a sledgehammer to all of my walls and forced yourself into my soul. When you came up to me at Harlem's, I never imagined we would end up here. That you would become the most important person in my life. That I could be so blinded by my feelings that the most sane things no longer made sense.
You're right when you said I thought you were too good for me.
I did.
I thought I was the broken one, Charlie.
But the truth is we are all a little broken.
In our own ways .
But that doesn't mean that we are unlovable.
If anything, it makes us more worthy.
I understand if you need to fight to feel something. If that is what helps you cope with your traumas. But I will never stop worrying about you. It will never not break my heart to see you bruised and wounded. And I won't sit by and watch you wait for yourself to be killed. We both deserve more than that.
I don't care if you aren't a scientist, nor do I care if you never read another book. What you do for work is your business and as long as it's legal, I would never have any objections. But I truly believe, if you wanted to, you could finish school. You could study the stars for the rest of your life. It's not that you aren't capable, Charlie because you are. But that never mattered to me either.
A dreamsicle cupcake was all I needed for a good day. I used to say that. But it wasn't the sweets.
It was you.
It was you accepting me for everything that I am. You never tried to change me or fix me. You helped me understand that nothing was wrong with me. You helped me feel comfortable in my own body. You gave me the security to overcome my fears. And even without any of that, I think I would have still fallen in love with you.
The good guy isn't a mask you wear. You are a good guy. And I wish you could see that for yourself. You're goofy and spare no expense just to make someone else laugh. You're soft and stern everywhere you should be. You're perfect to me. Maybe not to someone else, but to me, you are perfect.
Perfection is the ability to be human when everything in this world is working against you. You made your tragedies minuscule compared to mine when the truth is, you win. Only it was never a competition. I don't blame you for wanting to forget about what happened. But that isn't how this works. You can't simply erase it from your memory. You owe it to yourself to deal with your anger. You owe it to Carsyn to forgive her for leaving.
Shitty things happen to the best of people, Charlie. But she wouldn't have wanted you to harbor this the way you are. She wouldn't have wanted her brother to become a murderer, and she certainly wouldn't have wanted him to live the hollow version of this life you lead. Your parents failed her, and I would never ask you to forgive them, but you need to forgive yourself. So someone, anyone, can love you as fiercely as you love others. I would sacrifice anything in this world if it meant that person could be me.
No matter how misguided your actions were, it was wrong of me to say you couldn’t love me as much as I love you. I see it in the way you love your sister and after taking a step back, how you loved me.
All I ever wanted was to know you entirely. And if you hadn't lied to me, I would still be yours. Trust is something I cannot give blindly. Nor do I give easily. And once fractured, it's not something I think I can repair. I don't want to stay and constantly accuse you of lying to me. That fear will hide in the shadows, and I can't promise I won't use it against you. And I don't want to do that. I don't want you to live with that.
You can't heal when I am always searching for a reason to prove your dishonesty. When I am looking between the lines of every word that comes out of your mouth, uncertain if it's the truth .
I believe you needed me. But 'I need you' is so much different than 'I want you'.
We can't need each other to survive. That breeds poison.
I still want you.
I still love you.
I still, right now in this very moment, want to run to you.
And I always will.
Us meeting again at this point in our lives created the most violently passionate love. Not everyone gets what we got. It's finite and as hot and vicious as it was, it can be just as fleeting. I have no doubt that what we had is beyond rare, and I will never experience it again in this lifetime. You'll never leave me, Charlie.
But we both need a second chance. For me to do something that terrifies me and for you to start over. One of us has to be strong enough to walk away, and I know it has to be me. I won't put you through trials because my brain can't trust you when all my heart wants to do is love you.
Something has to give and rather than it be me hurting you in the end, it has to be the end now.
I want to walk away when I am still so passionately in love with you that I remember the months before the fight and not only the fight. The only difference between our story and the books I read is that we aren't guaranteed a happily ever after.
Yet, the ending isn't the best part.
It's the journey.
It's everything in between.
And our in-between was life-shattering.
Our in-between is what people search their entire lives for. And most will still come up short .
By the time you read this, I'll already be gone.
I took the job with Dr. Stevens and I didn't do that to hurt you. If you don't know by now, you're the only person I ever wanted, I don't know how else to tell you.
I did this for me.
And I did it for you.
Please, Charlie, take care of yourself. Even though I'm not with you, someone on the planet loves you beyond belief and I can't live on it if you aren't on it somewhere too. I think I would feel it if something happened to you and I pray every day, I never do.
Perry is going to stay in my apartment for now, and she’s promised to collect my things. My parents and Kai know nothing of why we broke up, and I ask that you don't tell them. Your secrets are yours and are forever safe with me. I asked you a long time ago to let someone, anyone, in, and even though I betrayed your privacy to do it, I would never wish that I didn't know.
The only thing I would change is myself. I wish I could flip a switch and keep the trust intact. I wish for that more than anything.
Every time I shut my eyes, it's your birthday, and we're lying in bed, staring up at the stars. No matter where we are, the stars will always be there. So if you miss me, look at the stars and I swear to you, I am looking at them too.
KOI NO YOKAN.
The premonition of falling in love.
I get to relive that feeling for the rest of my life in my memories of you.
You changed my life, Next-Door-Charlie .
So let me change yours. Don't hide the things that you think are too dark or too painful. Those are the things that make you who you are. Those are the reasons we are able to love one another wholly.
As I said, we're all a little broken. Don't be ashamed of it and don’t hide it.
You are so damn lovable, Charlie Barnes, and the next girl who gets to have you is the luckiest girl in the solar system.
I love you.
Forever,
Banks