Chapter 25
Sky
Kjell takes the baking sheet with the first batch of Pepparkakor out of the oven and examines them carefully. "Do you think they're done?"
With the cozy scent of cookies and fireplace in the air, and the soft Christmas music playing in the background, I lean over our first batch of homemade ginger cookies. "Looks good."
"Okay, let's let them cool," he says.
He looks incredibly cute with flour remnants on his cheek and his hair sticking out wildly.
So cute that I've probably been grinning at him like an idiot all evening.
"Now, for the jam for the Syltkakor ," he mumbles, turning to the stove where it's warming in a pot.
I'd love to stand next to him, and who knows, maybe he'd put his arm around me. And then we could...
No. Stop.
For distraction, I reach for my phone. I want to at least wish Aurora a Merry Christmas since I have to keep her at a distance otherwise.
"You could also help me, you know?" I hear Kjell playfully complaining.
"Of course," I quickly reply, put my phone aside, and look around. We decorated the hip-high Julgran together this afternoon. The string lights twinkle festively next to the open fireplace. Everything seems ready for our modest Julfest .
It's unbelievable that I'm spending Christmas with Kjell. Unbelievably... beautiful.
"Taste this," Kjell's words snap me out of my thoughts. It's only now that I notice he's holding up a spoon with jam.
Without taking my eyes off him, I take the spoon into my mouth. The sweet taste of raspberries spreads on my tongue. "Mmm, delicious."
"This needs to be taste tested too." He slides his index finger into the raw Kringla dough. He looks at me with a strange mix of anticipation and tenderness.
I hesitantly let my gaze wander between him and the sample on his fingertip.
"Um... so... don't you like it?" he stammers.
With an innocent flutter of my eyelashes, I look at him. "Oh yes..." I murmur and taste the dough.
Wow. He can bake, too.
"A dream," I breathe blissfully, not entirely sure if I mean the dough or the man who made it. It's quite possible that my gaze lingers on him for too long.
A proud expression crosses his face. His hand twitches as if he wants to reach out to me.
He clears his throat hastily. "All that's left is the mulled wine, and our Jul celebration will be perfect."
Just as I turn to the hanging cupboard to take out the Merlot, the doorbell rings.
Instinctively, I freeze. I hate being so fearful, but it's a part of me that I can't shake off. Every time I check the newspapers. Every time we meet someone on the island. And especially when unexpected things happen. Like a doorbell ringing on Christmas even though no one is supposed to be here.
"Who could that be?" Kjell furrows his brow.
I gaze thoughtfully toward the hallway. "Probably just Lil." She's the only one who knows I'm here, and she promised to keep it to herself. Maybe she's come to reconcile with me. It's Christmas, after all...
No. She's probably celebrating with her family.
The doorbell rings again.
Who's there? A journalist? Television crew?
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Kjell setting the spoon aside. "Should I go check?" he asks so empathetically that it at least partially releases my paralysis.
I wave it off, not wanting to be as paranoid as my father always was. It's probably just the neighbors wanting to wish us God Jul . "I'll handle it. Will you start on the mulled wine in the meantime?"
He claps the soles of his feet together. "Yes, sir, will do."
It’s unbelievable how he manages to make me smile even in the tensest moments. I pull the dishcloth out of my pocket and toss it at his chest.
"Idiot," I murmur as I make my way to the door.
Along the way, I fix my hair. Even though it doesn't really matter, I don't want anyone to notice that a certain someone messed up my hairstyle in a daring stunt less than ten minutes ago.
The doorbell rings again.
"I'm coming!" I call out and quicken my pace. When I reach the door, I turn the key in the lock and swing it open. "God..." My words fail me mid-sentence, and the smile on my lips freezes. "Levi."
My ex leans casually against the doorframe, looking up at me with his head lowered. "Hej, babe." His hair is longer than it used to be but still shiny from all the gel that keeps it in place.
I stare at him in disbelief.
"Heard you were back, thought you must be lonely for sure." He noisily snorts up some mucus.
How the hell does he know? "Who told you that?" That’s the first question that emerges from my jumbled thoughts.
"Who do you think?" He raises one of his thinly plucked eyebrows.
Malvin. It was Malvin.
This can't be true. Neither Kahlo's threats nor that damned article should have led me to call our former dealer. Of course, he told Levi. What a fool I am!
"Anyway, it took me a while to find you out here in the boonies, but here I am. God Jul , babe, I missed you," Levi coos, taking a step toward me.
I quickly step back. "But I didn't miss you."
Hardly have I spoken those words when Kjell calls from the kitchen, "Is everything okay?"
I put my index finger to my lips to signal Levi to keep his mouth shut and turn back toward the interior of the house. "Everything's fine."
"Lil can come in if she wants. I'll go upstairs for a bit," Kjell says, sounding like he might be approaching. Hopefully not.
Levi opens his mouth, and I give him a warning look.
"It's Lil, isn't it?" Kjell calls out.
No, it's not Lil. My past is standing at the door, grinning stupidly at me.
"Disappear," I hiss at Levi and reach for the door to close it.
He spreads his arms. "Come on, babe. Aren't you happy to see me again?" His voice gets louder with each word. It's only a matter of time before he starts yelling loud enough for Kjell to hear.
Alerted, I grab my jacket from the coatrack, put it on, and step out with him. "What do you want?" I ask after closing the door behind me.
"God, you've become so uptight." He’s suddenly standing right in front of me, pressing me against the door and trapping me with his arms. "Loosen up a bit."
I wish I could say I'm loose—if only it were true.
"Come on, let's go inside and have an awesome evening. Your guy in there suggested he'd leave us alone anyway."
"Are you crazy? What world do you live in?" I gaze at his face in disbelief. I have no idea how I ever saw anything in him.
How I could be so hopelessly in love with him that I simply forgot everything that was important to me.
He licks his lips. "Tell me, does the guy in there actually take the role of the decent little daughter from you? That's not you."
I shake my head with crossed arms. I don't want this, but gradually, the memory I'd rather erase from my mind comes back. "Stop it."
" This here." Unperturbed, he takes a small bag from the breast pocket of his jacket. " This is you."
With a hitched breath, I watch as he opens it.
"When was the last time you flew?" he asks. "Just let go of all this shit, huh?"
Oh man, if he only knew how often I long for that feeling. For freedom. For the rush where I feel like a warrior.
Strong. Unyielding. Superior.
No one can touch me. Not Kahlo. Not the worries about Father. No accident or press.
"I heard that from your old man," he says, letting some of the meth trickle onto his palm. "It's messed up, isn't it?"
My whole body trembles, and I can't do anything to stop it. It shouldn't be this easy. But just seeing that line shimmering on his skin in the light of the entrance is enough. Even if I didn't have to worry about my father's life and even if everything went according to plan with Touch av lyx , my past would still catch up with me now.
"That bad?" Levi whispers, his voice now hoarse, dragging me back to a time I had long left behind.
That bad? echoes within me.
"That bad?" the twenty-year-old Levi in my memory now asks me, gently stroking my back.
I'm eighteen again.
My parents think I'm in my room. My father fervently hopes I'll finally find that mistake in the balance sheet that he claims is so obvious that even a blind person could see it. And my mother is tending to whatever interests her—certainly not me.
"Worse," I murmur into his T-shirt, which smells so wonderfully of him that I never want to leave this place again. We've only known each other for three weeks, and although that's not long, his arms feel like home.
He takes my hand. "Come on. Let's forget about the world now."
I gladly walk with him to his regular club, Polarnatt . There, I'm greeted by the gang. Everyone is in high spirits, all of them smiling at me. They're happy that I'm there, and I feel like I can let go. They don't expect anything more from me than to have a good time together.
We order bottles of vodka, orange juice, rum, and energy drinks. I down the first few glasses, earning me enthusiastic cheers from my friends. We toast, drink, celebrate—and with each passing minute, I forget a little more about what's going on at home.
I forget that my father has become impossible to please. That, despite all my efforts, I'm meeting his expectations less and less. I forget the helplessness that has been consuming me lately, and I forget this persistent feeling that my mother regrets ever having me.
Hours later, I dance on the table with a bottle in my hand. The brightly flickering lights transport me to another world, the bass thumping in my chest. It drowns out my heartbeat, but it doesn't drown out my fear of not being able to meet the demands placed on me.
Not today.
Suddenly, Levi is beside me. He presses against me, moves to the beat, slides his leg between mine.
"What's wrong, babe?" His hot breath flows over my ear.
With closed eyes, I shake my head. "Everything's fine," I reply even though a burning sensation spreads behind my eyelids.
I can't do this. I need to release this pressure. Just for a few hours, I want to be free. Carefree.
Suddenly, I feel Levi pressing something to my lips. "This will help you."
I raise my eyelids and gaze into his face, which is illuminated by the disco lights. Sweat beads glisten on his forehead, and his eyes are filled with desire.
"Trust me," he whispers. "This will take you all the way to the universe."
To the universe? To the stars? To where I can fly?
"And much farther." He raises his eyebrows, smirking.
Yes, that's what I want.
Now. Here. Today. For this one moment, I want it so badly.
I part my lips, allowing Levi to place a pill in my mouth, and I swallow it down with vodka.
He follows suit. And just a few minutes later, we actually take off.
"Oh yes," Levi murmurs to me in the here and now, as if he knows exactly which memory my thoughts are stuck on.
"No," I reply, albeit much too weakly, and let myself fall against the door of our holiday home.
As if he hasn't heard me, he holds the line under my nose. "Fly away, the stars have been waiting for you for far too long."
I shake my head. "I don't want those stars anymore." No matter how seductively they shine, that's in the past. "Go now," I ask him because I can feel that I won't be able to hold on much longer.
"Don't be so pretentious." All of a sudden, Levi fumbles his syringe out of his pocket and picks up the meth with a spoon. "You'll thank me for it, just wait and see." With these words, he wedges me in with his legs and pushes up the sleeve of my sweater with his free hand.
At that moment, the door behind me is thrown open. Warmth and the scent of cookies envelop me, and yellowish light illuminates Levi's face.
"What's going on here?" Kjell asks, clearly concerned. His gaze flickers between Levi and the scarred injection marks on my left arm. "Sky, what..."
I snatch my arm away from Levi's grip. "Get lost!" I shout. "I never want to see you or your shit ever again."
My ex hesitates, looking back and forth between Kjell and me.
"Haven't you heard what she said?" Kjell asks with a sharp tone.
He doesn't need to protect me, but it still feels good that he's standing by my side. Thanks to him, I know for certain that I won't take those drugs. I will never do that again.
It takes an eternity for Levi to noisily pull the meth from the spoon into his nose. Moaning with pleasure, he closes his eyes for a moment.
"Alright," he says, taking a step back. "Let me know when you've had enough of this bourgeois life." His expression seems to imply that it can't last too long. "You know where to find me."
Without waiting for my reaction, he turns and disappears into the darkness. I stare after him, looking into the darkness of the night and struggling to breathe.
Kjell's arms encircle me from behind. It's as if they're breaking a dam inside me.
It's over. I did it.
I slump down, and he holds me tight.
Tears flow down my cheeks like torrents. He wipes them away with his fingers. A pervasive coldness makes me shiver. He warms me up.
"Come," he says softly at some point, leading me inside the house. He helps me out of my jacket, directs me to the living room, hurries around me, and disappears for a moment.
The Christmas background music gets louder.
His face appears before mine, more concerned than I've ever seen him.
He takes my arms and positions them on his shoulders. Then he pulls me closer and embraces me, his palms gently resting on my spine.
He shifts his weight alternately to his left and right foot. I follow along, swaying back and forth, always in time with the music.
His hands roam over my back, caressing me gently until calmness settles within me, and I rest my head on his chest.
Pa Pong. Pa Pong. Pa Pong . I hear his heart soothingly whisper, and suddenly, it seems so wrong to keep him at arm's length. For weeks now, I've wanted to tell him everything about myself. Show him who I really am.
He's been there for me every day since this madness broke out. Nothing has gotten worse through him.
On the contrary. He makes everything better.
What if I take the last step now? What if I show him my deepest wound? Because perhaps he's the one who can heal it.
Inspired by this thought, I lift my head from his chest and open my eyes. "I want to tell you something."