13. Isaac / Violet
13
ISAAC / VIOLET
ISAAC
It’s been two weeks since we were paired up for the project, and we’ve only just decided on an idea to proceed with. Last week, Violet told me a few of her ideas, and I reiterated that I’m happy to do whatever she wants. I don’t even care how much work it’ll be for me; I just want to do whatever makes her happiest and makes her life easier.
When she told me her ideas, I felt transported back to a few months ago, and for a moment, I let myself pretend that I had. She rambled on, telling me the different concepts she had thought of, and it reminded me of all the times she would call me after finishing a book.
I was always content to listen to her as she talked about them, to have her voice in my ears, and to be the person she turned to whenever she wanted to talk about anything. I held on to that feeling as she spoke last week, happiness flooding through my veins at the tiny miracle of her just speaking to me like she had before—no clipped words, no harsh tone, just Violet’s lovely voice.
After spending the first fifteen minutes of club going back and forth on which concept to go with, we finally chose one, but we’ve been working in silence since. The characters start out on a train, so I focus on some basic background sketches that’ll be easy to add later when I need to make it look like the train is moving. Violet said she’s not one hundred percent set on what she wants the characters to look like yet, so I’ll have to work on that part later.
I try my best to concentrate on the task at hand, but it’s hard when Violet is sitting right next to me, and every instinct makes me want to reach for her like I would have done before. She hasn’t moved her chair away from mine this time. If I moved my leg a tiny bit, it would touch hers. I force myself to go back to drawing, but I’m so aware of her presence that it’s difficult.
It’s always been like this, even when we were younger and before we became friends. It was like I always knew when she was going to enter a room as if the air around me was changing with her presence. Once we started dating, the awareness felt like a living thing beneath my skin. I felt it every time she even shifted slightly when we sat together, could feel whenever her eyes were on me, even if I couldn’t see her. That feeling still hasn’t gone away. I never want it to.
I sneak glances at her, watching as she scribbles in one of her journals, and it pains me that it’s not the one I got for her when I know she still has it. I look away from her, trying to focus on my sketches, but then my brain turns to thinking about the LNAT instead.
The exam is tomorrow and Violet doesn’t know that I’m taking it. I don’t know if I even have the right to tell her anymore. I have to leave early, though, so that I can drive home which means I need to tell her something . I don’t know how to approach the topic with her, or if I even should, considering what me taking the exam means for us.
“We want to give you a bit more freedom for this project, so we’ll no longer be meeting every Friday. We’ll set some monthly check-ins with you all, but we thought it might be better if we just let you get on with it in your own time.’
Mrs. Harper’s words surprise me, and I know it’s the same for Violet, too, because she looks at me for the first time since we started working. I’ve noticed that she’s been doing this a lot more recently, looking to me first and initiating conversations when I don’t really expect it. A tiny voice in my head tells me that it’s because she’s starting to warm up to me again, and while I don’t know if I can hope for her forgiveness just yet, this feels like a good start down that path.
But without the clubs running properly, when will we see each other? Will it just be at the monthly checks, both of us working separately and then pretending we haven’t? I know a few weeks ago, I told her I would be fine with that, but I don’t think I am. I might just be delusional, but I swear I can feel things changing between us, and it’s thanks to the fact that we have to work on this project together .
“You can leave whenever you’re ready to, but come see us before you do so we can set a date with you all.”
I put my pencil down, closing my sketchbook as I realise that this has given me the perfect out to leave early without telling her why. I start to tidy my things away, putting my pencils in their case and rearranging them as I try to drag out the inevitable. But once I’ve finished that, there’s nothing else for me to do other than tell her. I turn to look at Violet, thinking that maybe facing her head-on might make it easier, but I don’t know who I thought I was kidding. Looking at her this close-up just has me lost for words - she’s still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.
“I uh..” She turns her head towards me, eyes locked onto mine, and I can’t form a single coherent sentence, can’t think, can’t breathe. I clear my throat, focusing my attention back on my desk again as I stack my pencil case on top of my sketchbook. “I actually have to head out early, if that’s okay with you?”
I don’t start packing my stuff away just yet, waiting for her to say if it’s fine or not for me to leave.
If she wants me to stay, I’ll stay.
“Oh, yeah, of course. I’ll probably stay for a bit longer.”
I nod, packing my stuff away, and I realise that she probably doesn’t care at all if I stay or not because why would she? We’re not anything to each other anymore, and even though just a few months ago, I would have been figuring out a way to spend as much time with her as possible before leaving, I don’t have that option anymore.
I stand, lifting my hand to rub the back of my neck as I try to form my next sentence to say goodbye to her. But then a thought pops into my head that feels like it came from the old Isaac who was trying so hard to work up the courage to tell his crush that he liked her. What if I just ask her if she wants to meet on some weekends? I try not to think about the best and worst-case scenarios that can come from that, and the words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.
“Do you want work weekends?”
“What?”
Okay, well, some words came out of my mouth.
“I mean, do you want to work on this together on weekends?”
I try to gauge her reaction as she looks up at me, but her face gives nothing away.
“I just… it might be easier to do it on weekends instead of during the week.”
“Oh.”
Oh.
“We don’t have to if you don’t want to,” I rush to say, realising that I’ve probably messed things up with her once again just when we were starting to make some kind of progress.
“No, I want to.” I keep my gaze fixed on her, my eyes flitting across her face to find any hint of if she’s playing with me. But she’s not. “Are you free tomorrow?”
Her question stuns me, and I’m about to say yes, immediately yes, will clear any plans for her, when I remember why I’m leaving right now.
“I’m not. That’s actually why I’m leaving early. I have to go home this weekend.” I hesitate, the silence between us growing heavy in a way it never has before, and I decide to just tell her the truth. “I’m taking the LNAT tomorrow.”
“Oh. ”
Two in one conversation, this is going so well.
I know what she’s thinking about from the way her eyes close, how she draws her bottom lip between her teeth and the drop of her shoulders.
She’s thinking about all our conversations about this in the past, about how I wasn’t going to sit the exam because it didn’t fit our plans for our future.
She’s thinking about the fact that that future isn’t going to happen for us anymore.
“Yeah.” I can’t get any other words out. I can feel her disappointment in me like it’s a physical weight bearing down on me, and it feels like any hope I had has completely gone. I tilt my chin up, looking away from her to stare out of the window instead because I can’t bear to see her disappointed in me again.
VIOLET
“I’m taking the LNAT tomorrow.”
“Oh.”
My heart drops as memories flood through my mind of all the times we talked about him not taking the exam and when we planned a whole future together where he didn’t go to Oxford or study Law. Isaac taking the exam is proof that what we had is really over and the future we imagined is never going to happen. I suddenly feel like I can’t breathe.
“Yeah.” His voice is low, his head tilted up to the ceiling like he can’t even stand to look at me while he breaks my heart again .
Isaac’s Adam’s apple bobs up and down as he swallows, his jaw clenched, and I know he’s struggling with what he’s just said, too. I know he wanted those plans to happen as much as I did when we spoke about them, but maybe that changed over these past few months. Maybe his plans changed the moment we broke up, and I’m the foolish one still holding on to a tiny sliver of hope.
But for some reason, I can’t find it in myself to punish him anymore for this decision when it looks like it’s tearing him apart inside.
“I’m sure you’ll do great.” The words scrape at my throat, but I force them out as nicely as I can, wanting to soothe him in some way like I did so many times before. He drops his eyes to mine again, and I know it’s worked because he gives me a tight-lipped smile. I smile back at him because as much as it hurt me to say it, I meant it.
I know how hard he works from all the nights we spent studying together in the back of the library, the moments when I would see his head start to drop and his eyelids close, his grip on his pen loosening, and I would have to whisper his name to gently wake him up. He would always give me the softest of smiles then, and I’d brush my fingers through his hair, which would only make him want to go back to sleep.
My breath catches as my gaze flickers up to his hair, as if I can still feel it, as if he’s still mine. He moves to tuck his chair back under the desk, and the noise has my eyes dropping down to where he’s gripping the back of it, how white his knuckles have turned.
“Thanks, Violet.”
He gives me a nod as he turns to walk towards the door, but after only a few steps, he comes back to me .
“Can you text me?”
I stare at him, not expecting a question like that.
“I mean, about the project. If you’re working on it this weekend, I’d like to still try and keep up with it so it’s not too much work for you.”
The thought of texting him again shouldn’t have me this flustered. I read through our messages so many times over the summer, conversations back and forth about everything. We’d send silly pictures to each other, both of us trying to find the most ridiculous ones. Sometimes, our talks would turn more serious, dreams about the future and making plans for different places we wanted to visit and things we wanted to do together.
Eventually, those conversations turned into messages from him that I chose to ignore. Ones where he pleaded with me to talk to him because he wanted to explain or even just ask if I was okay. It took everything in me not to reply to him then, but after all this time and the slow progress we’ve been making, maybe it wouldn’t be too bad.
I can’t help but notice how he phrased the question and how he could have easily asked if he could text me instead. But he’s giving me the option for this to be on my terms, for me to decide if I give him another chance or not.
And I want to.
I really, really want to.
But finding out that he’s taking the LNAT, I don’t know if I can.
I’m still dealing with the first time he broke my heart, and I don’t think I can handle it a second time. I can’t stand the thought of getting close to him again just for him to leave once we’re done with the project .
“I…”
His face drops, resignation clear on it as he nods his head.
“I get it. Have a good weekend.”
He walks away before I can tell him I’ve changed my mind.