14. Isaac
14
ISAAC
Coming back to my room after interacting with Violet always feels like I’m retreating back to camp after a day at battle. Just when I think we’re making progress and we might be able to repair what we had, I manage to do or say something that completely ruins it all and sends me straight back to square one.
I thought we’d been doing better, that seeing each other over this past month in class and club meant that we could be friendly again. Even though the first week was rough, and she couldn’t even look at me when we got paired up, it felt like things were better now. She was actually responsive to me, we had conversations and even though they were surface level and completely unlike what we had before, it was still something.
But seeing how her face dropped when I told her I was going home to take the LNAT, I knew I’d made a mistake. For a split second, I thought about lying to her, but what good would that have done? It would only have hurt her more when she eventually found out from Izzy or someone else, and then there would be absolutely no coming back from it.
After everything I’ve already done to hurt her, I can’t keep adding to it.
I sit on my bed and drop back, instinctively bringing my hands up to take my glasses off and press my hands into my eyes. I focus all of my attention on the pressure of my hands, breathing in and out for a few seconds before sitting back up again. I don’t have time for a full spiral right now, I need to get my stuff together and leave before it gets too late.
I get up and put my glasses back on, grabbing my overnight bag and packing it with just one change of clothes because I fully intend on coming back to school after the exam. I place the bag on my desk, and although I don’t want my eyes to drift towards the corner of my pegboard, they do.
Five birthday cards are pinned up amongst a sea of others, but these, in particular, each have a beautiful memory connected to them. So beautiful that even after everything that happened and how much it hurt to look at them, I couldn’t even think about taking them down.
I drag my eyes away from them, zipping up the bag and forcing myself out of the door as I reach into my pocket for my phone to text Luke. He appears before I’ve even unlocked it, his heavy hand clapping my shoulder.
“Stop looking so down. You’re going to do great,” he says encouragingly, squeezing my shoulder as we start walking toward the exit of the building.
“I’m just worried.”
About a lot of things, but I deliberately keep it vague. Even though Luke knows about Violet now, I don’t have the energy in me to tell him about what just happened with her.
“I know you are, but you’re the smartest guy I know. You’ve put in the work, and you’ll get the score you need to get an offer from Oxford.”
I let out a sigh, not having a response for him because I can’t tell him that I don’t want an offer. I don’t even want to sit this exam at all.
We make our way to where Olivia and Jinhee are waiting for us on the field, Luke picking up his pace once Jinhee smiles at him. I trail behind him, once again watching him sweep Jinhee into a hug, and I wish I could have done that with Violet just once. Hugged her in front of everyone and held her hand just so everyone would know that I was hers and she was mine. But it never happened, and it never will.
When I reach them, Olivia links her arm through mine, leaning her head on my shoulder as she offers words of encouragement.
“You’ve got this, Isaac.” She squeezes my arm once before letting go, and then Jinhee comes forward, extracting herself from Luke’s grip. She pulls me into a hug and whispers in my ear.
“Just try your best, Isaac. Your worth isn’t measured with an exam. Whatever happens, we’re here for you.”
I hug her tightly, gratefulness overwhelming me as I realise I’m so lucky to have such supportive friends in my life.
But I can’t ignore the fact that the one person’s support I want the most isn’t here. I don’t have the right to lean on her anymore, to get her words of encouragement, and I don’t think I realised how much I needed her until just now. I always thought of her as such a constant in my life that I never imagined not being able to turn to her, but I’ve lost that privilege now.
I say goodbye to my friends and drive home alone. Izzy decided to stay at school because I wouldn’t even be at home, so there was no point in her having to deal with our parents alone. I’m only spending the night here because it’s closer to the test centre where I’ll be taking the exam.
When I walk into the house, my parents are both in the living room watching TV. I try my best to step quietly in an attempt to avoid conversation, once again having some strange hope that they won’t have heard me pull up in the drive or open the front door.
“Isaac?” My mum calls, and I sigh.
I make my way into the living room, standing to the side of the sofa as I look down at my parents. My mother tilts her head to look at me, giving me a tight smile before turning back to look at the TV that my father hasn’t looked away from.
“Are you ready for tomorrow?” he asks, not even bothering to turn his head slightly in my direction.
I know it’s a rhetorical question - in his eyes, there’s no doubt that I’m ready, considering he thinks that I’ve been spending all my time studying for it. In reality, I’ve been trying to juggle studying for this, along with homework and working on the project for Violet.
“Yeah, I think I should be fine.”
“You know what we’re expecting from you, right?”
“Yes, I know.”
The test gives a result out of forty-two, with the average being around twenty-four, but I know they expect higher from me to guarantee I get an offer from Oxford. Getting a high score will make the rest of the application process easier by putting me ahead of other applicants, and in my father’s eyes, this is the most important part of the process.
“Make sure you get enough sleep. We’re all up bright and early tomorrow.”
I nod at them, even though they’re not looking at me, and turn on my heel to walk up the stairs to my room.
As I lay on my bed, I felt like I had taken five steps backward with Violet when I had only taken one forward, and that short conversation with my parents had completely drained me. I just want to sleep forever.
I take my glasses off, pressing the heels of my hand into my eyes as I start thinking about how tomorrow is going to go. I spent all summer studying for this exam, hoping that it would be a good distraction from thinking about Violet. But every time I studied, I would think about her and the fact that I had once resolved to never take the exam at all, and that would leave me wanting to stare at the ceiling for hours instead.
Eventually, I decide that I’ve done enough self-wallowing to last a lifetime and force myself to sit up, putting my glasses back on. I pull out my phone from my pocket, scroll through the notifications, and pretend I’m not looking for a certain name to be there. Instead, Luke’s name pops up, and I tap the message to see what he wants.
Luke
You didn’t tell me how it went today with Violet
Isaac
Terribly
Luke
It can’t have been that bad
Isaac
It was
Luke
I’m going to need more than that
Isaac
I asked her if she would text me and she didn’t even answer
Luke
Oh that is bad
I resist the urge to send him the middle finger emoji.
Isaac
No shit sherlock
Luke
Did anything else happen?
Luke knows I didn’t want to go to Oxford, but he has no idea that a part of that was because of Violet. I don’t know how to explain her reaction to me telling her that I’m taking the LNAT without telling him about the foolish dreams I had a year ago.
Isaac
I told her I was taking the LNAT and she said that she was sure I’d do great
Luke
And what’s wrong with that?
Isaac
I don’t know
Maybe she just said it to be polite
Luke
Why would she do that?
She probably did mean it
I decide to call him instead, and he picks up after the first ring.
“Why do you think that?” I ask him, laying back down on my bed to look at the ceiling. There’s a faint outline of stars on there from when I had glow-in-the-dark ones stuck on there as a child. My father took them down as soon as I moved away for school.
“From everything you’ve told me, and I know it’s not the whole story, it doesn’t seem like she’d be polite to you for no reason. If I broke Jinhee’s heart, I don’t think she’d be as nice to me unless she actually wanted to.”
I take in what he’s saying, replaying the moment in my mind and trying to analyse her facial expressions. I knew her so well before, but it feels like she’s changed over the summer and put up a wall that’s designed to keep me out.
“There’s more to it, Luke.” I pause, preparing to tell him more about our relationship so that he can understand just how big of a deal this is and how serious we are about each other. “We made plans. Imagined a whole future together that was dependent on me not taking this exam. The way her face dropped when I told her… I felt like I was breaking her heart all over again. ”
I hear Luke sigh over the phone, and I know he’s probably rubbing his forehead in exasperation.
“She just doesn’t strike me as the kind of person to say something she doesn’t mean. Have you thought about texting her first?”
“But when I asked if she would text me, she didn’t say anything.”
“Did you give her enough time to answer?”
I think about how her hesitation made me nearly run out of the classroom.
“Not really.”
“You can just try and see what happens. The worst thing she can do is not reply.”
I don’t tell him that’s what happened all through summer, that I sent her so many messages asking for a chance to talk and forgiveness, and she completely ignored me.
“I don’t know, Luke.”
“I can’t make you do anything you don’t want to. And I know I said it should be on her terms but maybe she’s waiting for you to make the first move. You won’t get anywhere if you’re both just waiting for the other to do something.”
He’s right, as much as I hate to admit it. It feels like Violet and I have been playing a weird game of tug of war, both of us pushing and pulling, but that’s just left us stuck in the middle.
“I’m just saying,” he continues. “I don’t think she would have said it if she didn’t mean it.”
I nod, even though he can’t see me. I know that I need to try explaining it all to her, going all the way back to our last birthday and our break up and leading up to me taking this exam now.
“Okay, I’m going to text her.”
“Good. I hope it helps both of you.”
“Thanks, Luke. See you on Sunday.”
“Good luck tomorrow. I believe in you.”
We hang up, and I continue to stare at the ceiling, tracing the faint shapes on my ceiling once more before standing up.
I pace around my room, my phone gripped tightly in my hand, as I open our messages. A wall of blue stares at me from the times I tried to reach out to her but she didn’t respond.
I don’t know what to say to her or how to start this message that feels like it could make or break us. I start typing and deleting, typing and deleting and then eventually I end up just sending one word.
Isaac
Hi
I throw my phone on the bed, groaning in embarrassment as I run my hands through my hair. Hi? We haven’t texted in months, and I say hi ? I want to have a real conversation with her, and I say hi ?
I leave my room and go to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water as a way to distract myself and not think about what I just did. But it barely takes a minute and I can hear my parents shuffling about in the living room so I go back upstairs.
When I get back to my room, I just stare at the phone on my bed. It’s face down, and even though I’m desperate to know if she’s responded, I can’t bring myself to check.
I sit down next to my phone, my hand hovering over it as I try to summon the courage to check it. I touch it lightly, as if it’s a spring-loaded trap, and her response, or lack thereof, will set it off. My heart stops when I finally flip it around and tap the screen.
Jaanu
1 message
She replied.
My fingers have a mind of their own as I swipe to unlock the phone and tap on her message.
Jaanu
Hi
It’s just one word, and yet I feel like I’m about to start crying.
Isaac
How are you?
How are you? Why don’t I just ask her how the weather is too while I’m at it?
I don’t look away from the screen as three dots pop up to show that she’s typing.
Jaanu
I’m okay. You?
It feels like we’re back in Year 7 when we first swapped numbers, and our conversations were so hopelessly awkward.
Isaac
Me to o
This is going so great, can’t wait to show Luke how helpful his advice was.
She doesn’t send anything back, not that I expect her to, considering how pathetic my attempt at conversation was.
I scroll up to find our past messages, hoping for some kind of inspiration to strike so I can keep talking to her because this is the first time she’s responded to my text in months and I don’t want it to end.
I start typing again, chewing on the inside of my cheek.
Isaac
Do you want to meet on Sunday?
I’ll be back at school tomorrow, but it might be a bit too late
I watch the three dots pop up. And then they disappear and don’t come back, so I lock the phone, wishing I could rewind time and pretend the last few minutes didn’t just happen.
Jaanu
1 message
I swipe to unlock, not giving myself time to overthink it.
Jaanu
I don’t know
I’m desperate at this point, typing without thinking.
Isaac
I just want to talk, Violet
Can you give me a chance to explain?
I stare at the screen, not taking my eyes off it as I wait for her response.
Jaanu
Okay
I’ll meet you on Sunday
I tilt my chin up, swallowing hard to get rid of the lump in my throat.
Isaac
I’ll be at our spot at 2
Jaanu
Okay
I keep my eyes fixed on the screen, waiting to see if she’ll say anything else but she doesn’t. I swipe out of our conversation and text Luke to update him.
Isaac
I’m seeing her on Sunday
Luke
I told you it would all work out
You just have to get through this exam tomorrow and then you’ll be back at school
I don’t reply, thoughts of the LNAT ruining the mood I was just in. I’m not going to deliberately try to fail, but I don’t have the confidence to get a good score. Whatever happens tomorrow, at least I have something to look forward to after.