16. Isaac
16
ISAAC
“You, Violet. You’re my problem.”
I can’t hold it back anymore but the look on her face makes me think I should have.
“What does that even mean?”
“I can’t stop thinking about you. Every time we have even the slightest interaction, if I look at you, if I talk to you, if anything at all happens, it feels like my entire world is being thrown off balance.”
I’m staring right at her, my chest heaving up and down, but I can’t stop talking.
“Sitting here, working with you, it felt like how we were a few months ago, but we can’t go back to that. And I know it’s all my fault, and I’m the reason for that, but I can’t stand it. I can’t stand the fact that I hurt you without any explanation, that every time I even think about trying to explain it all to you, it feels hopeless because I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness.
“I hate that I know you’re not sleeping properly, and I hate that I might be the cause of that. I hate that I don’t get to fall asleep with you every night, that your voice isn’t the first thing I hear every morning anymore. And I hate that even after saying all of this, I still want to run away from you because I’m scared of what you’ll say.”
I breathe deeply, surprised at how much I’ve revealed to her. I need to leave right now before she can say anything because I can’t handle her rejection after spilling my heart out to her.
Violet’s just staring at me, eyes wide and her mouth slightly open. I can’t look at her anymore. I turn and walk towards the door, not even daring to look back at her, but my backpack is tugged backward.
“You can’t just say that and leave.” Her voice is quiet, and I drop my head. Heaviness hits my chest because she sounds just like she did when we broke up. “You wanted to talk, let’s talk.”
I close my eyes, but I can still feel her holding onto my backpack. I know she won’t let me go until I explain whatever just happened to her.
“Okay,” I murmur and turn around to face her as her hand drops from my backpack. “Let’s talk.”
She nods, her bottom lip between her teeth as her chin starts to tremble, and I’m so glad she turns around and walks back to the desk because I can’t bear to see her cry. I follow after her, taking the seat next to her this time, and wait for her to ask whatever questions she needs to.
“What did you mean when you said you didn’t want to take the LNAT?”
I don’t expect that to be her first question, but it’s the most recent bombshell I’ve dropped on her, so it makes sense. I can’t hide anything from her anymore; the sheer effort has become too much, so I just tell her the truth .
“I said what I meant. I didn’t want to take it, but I had to. I still don’t want to go to Oxford or study law.”
“Why did you take it then?”
“You know why.” The exhaustion is clear in my voice.
We had so many conversations about the LNAT before I told her about my decision not to take it, and almost all of those conversations revolved around the fact that I was just doing what my parents wanted me to do.
“I want you to tell me.”
I sigh, but I know I owe her this much, at least.
“I took it so my parents would think I was still trying for Oxford. It’s the only way they’ll leave me alone. But I’m still trying so hard to follow the plans we-I made.”
Her shaky exhale lets me know she noticed my slip-up, and I want to reach out to her so badly. There were so many times that we spilled out our worries and comforted each other, but we can’t do that for each other now, and that’s what’s making this so much harder. She turns her head to the ceiling for a bit, eyes blinking rapidly before she looks back at me.
“Are your parents…”
She hesitates, but I know how she was going to finish that question. She wants to know if they’re the reason I broke up with her.
“They’re part of it. You know they’ve set my entire life up to follow what they want me to do. ”
She just nods, giving me the space to continue talking.
“And I have to think about Izzy, too. I don’t want that same pressure on her. So I thought if I make them happy enough then maybe they’ll leave her alone, let her do whatever she wants to do. But I’m selfish, Violet. I want that for me, too, but I can’t have it. ”
“I don’t think that’s selfish.” She says simply, and I wish I could believe her.
“I took the exam because that’s what they want from me. But I still don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I want anymore. And I don’t know what’s going to happen in a few months when offers start coming through. I’m just trying to get through it all one day at a time, but it’s hard, Violet. It’s so hard.”
I drop my head into my hands, pushing my glasses up so they sit on my forehead instead. I press my hands into my eyes, needing to calm myself down. I still haven’t even told her everything, but just this has taken all the energy from me. Being this open with her for the first time in months feels so relieving yet worrying at the same time.
Soft fingers wrap around my wrists, and I almost start crying.
It’s the first time she’s touched me since we broke up, and it feels like my chest is about to cave in. I don’t deserve her kindness after everything I’ve put her through, but she’s giving it anyway.
“I thought you stopped doing that,” she says as she gently pulls my hands away from my face, my glasses dropping back down crooked on my nose. She loosens her grip on one of my wrists to fix my glasses, and the gesture is so tender that I have to hold back the tears I can feel forming.
“I did.” I don’t need to finish the rest of the sentence for her to know that I started doing it again after we broke up.
The first time she caught me doing it, she asked why so I explained to her that the pressure of it calms me down and distracts my mind. She made me promise not to do it again, worried for my already bad eyes. She said I could talk to her whenever I got too overwhelmed or needed a distraction. But then we broke up, and the habit started up again.
“Isaac.” She’s still holding my wrists, and the weight of her hands is so comforting that I just want to sink into it. But I can’t lean on her anymore; I’ve lost that privilege. When I finally move my gaze to her face, she looks so sad. “Why didn’t you just tell me about your parents?”
“I don’t know.” The lump in my throat makes it hard to speak. Her hands on my wrists make it hard to think.
“When we broke up-”
“I can’t do this, Violet. I’m sorry.” I pull my hands away from her and regret it instantly, wanting her touch again. But I can’t think when she’s touching me, never could, and I need a clear head before I say something that makes this even worse. “I know I said I wanted to explain it all to you, but I can’t do it right now.”
The tears finally fall, and I quickly wipe them away with my sleeve, not wanting her to feel sorry for me because I don’t deserve it. I’m the only reason I feel like this right now, so I need to deal with it alone and not burden her.
“It’s okay.” She moves her chair closer to mine, a sad smile on her face.
I close my eyes, tears still streaming down my face, but I don’t have the energy to wipe them away anymore. Then her hand is on my cheek, her thumb swiping across it to clear the tears away, and it just makes me cry even harder. “You don’t have to say anything else.”
My shoulders are shaking, and the tears won’t stop falling as she wipes them away. It’s the first time I’ve truly cried in so long, and it’s like all the built-up emotions from the last few months are finally being released. Violet, my parents, Izzy, my friends—every single emotion I feel for them is pouring out of me right now, and I can’t stop it.
“I miss you, Violet.”