17. Violet
17
VIOLET
His words pierce my heart, and my hand stills on his face, but he hasn’t stopped crying. I can feel my heart breaking all over again. I’ve never seen him like this before, and every instinct in my body is telling me to comfort him, to put aside everything that happened between us and just be here for him right now.
But then I think about how we got here in the first place, how even though I told him he didn’t need to say anything else right now, there are still so many unanswered questions. I think about how we’ve reached the point where I even have to second guess trying to help him, something that felt as natural as breathing before, and I pull away, shuffling my chair back to put some distance between us.
“You don’t get to say that. You broke up with me .”
My voice is quiet like I didn’t even want to say that last sentence out loud. So many emotions are swirling through my head: anger, hurt, and sadness because I wish we had never gotten to this point—a point where he even has to say those words to me—a point where I’m too scared to admit that I miss him, too.
“I know, but it’s the truth.” He sniffs, eyes still closed, and his mouth turned downwards, and I’ve never seen him look so distraught before. “I miss you, Violet.”
He finally opens his eyes, and he’s looking at me with so much defeat and resignation in them, like he’s been fighting a battle for the past few months, and I’m the white flag he’s been looking for so that he can finally stop.
“Isaac, I…”
There’s a lump in my throat that’s making it impossible to speak, and I don’t know how I’ve managed to keep it together this whole time.
He closes his eyes again, shaking his head like he’d rather not hear what I have to say. After the way I’ve spoken to him the past few weeks, I think he’s always expecting to hear the worst from me now. I hate that we’ve done this to each other. I clear my throat, and he opens his eyes again, puffy and red-rimmed, his long lashes stuck together because of how wet they are.
“I just don’t understand.”
I don’t understand how we got here. I don’t understand why we broke up. I don’t understand why I won’t let myself comfort him. I don’t understand anything to do with us at all anymore.
“I’m so sorry that I hurt you, Violet.” He sniffs again, wiping his sleeve across his face. “But I can’t even tell you that I didn’t mean to because at the time I did.”
It feels like my heart is being ripped to shreds. The thought of him deliberately wanting to hurt me leaves a physical ache in my chest. I can’t breathe. I turn away from him, not wanting to look at him, as I finally feel myself start to cry. He lets out a ragged breath before continuing.
“I wanted you to hate me because I thought it would make it easier, but it didn’t. It just made me miserable. Every word I said to you killed me inside, and I regretted it all as soon as I said it.”
Isaac’s voice is shaky, like he’s having to fight to get the words out, and I don’t have to look at him to know that he’s crying again. I swipe angrily at my face, annoyed at the fact that now I’m crying, too.
“Would make what easier? Breaking up with me?”
“I thought that’s what I had to do. Something happened with my parents, and I felt like the biggest disappointment in the world. I thought everything was going to be taken away from me, including you. I thought I couldn’t get any lower, that it was all over for me, but then I saw you the next day, and I realised that was my rock bottom.”
I hear him push his chair back and stand up, so I finally turn to look at him again. He runs his hands through his hair as he continues.
“God, the way you looked at me, Violet. It was my fault completely for not calling or texting you, but you’d never looked at me like that. I didn’t want you to be another person I disappointed, but when I saw your face, I knew it was already too late.”
“It wasn’t, Isaac.”
He’s not looking at me anymore, his head turned towards the ceiling and maybe the reason we can speak so openly now is because we can’t see each other properly.
“More than anything, I was worried about you. I didn’t hear from you, no calls, no texts, you just disappeared on me.”
“I realise that now. But my head was all over the place then, and all I could think was I’ve let you down, and there was no way you’d forgive me.”
“You didn’t even give me the choice.”
He finally looks down at me, his bottom lip stuck between his teeth, his blinking slow like it’s a struggle for him to keep his eyes open right now. His chest is rising and falling so hard, like he’s just done a workout and is fighting to catch his breath.
“And that’s the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.”
He sits back down, hands running up and down his thighs as he takes in deep breaths.
Then he does something I don’t expect - he reaches his hand into the space between us.
I stare at his upturned hand and then his face, and I can read the silent question in his eyes, can feel him imploring me to take his hand, to be his lifeline while he’s drowning.
So I do.
I place my hand in his, and his fingers tighten around mine, his other hand coming up to envelop it completely. I’ve missed this feeling so much. He leans his head down, pulling our joined hands up to his forehead like he’s praying.
“I’m so sorry, Violet.”
I can’t speak, emotion clogging my throat as I look at him, my hand completely covered with his as he keeps it pressed to his forehead. My shoulders drop, every ounce of energy leaving me as I lean my head forward closer to his.
We sit in silence for a while, only the sound of our breathing filling the room as we try to collect ourselves. Since we came back to school, the silence between us has felt heavy, full of broken promises and unsaid words, but this one is different. It feels like how it used to be when we were content to just be with one another as much as possible, even if we didn’t have anything to say.
“I know there’s still more to be said,” I tell him, my voice hoarse as I break the silence between us and lean back. He brings our joined hands back down into the space between us, looking at me with green eyes full of sadness, but there’s a tiny bit of hope in them, too. “But I don’t know if I can hear it today.”
Isaac nods, and I know he feels the same way, too. Every emotion feels raw, months of silence between us finally being broken and questions being asked and answered. But it’s too much to take in all at once. I need time to process what he’s said and figure out what it means for me, for us .
“I think so, too.” His voice is croaky, and he clears his throat as he looks down at our hands and starts running his thumb back and forth. I follow his gaze, the sight and feel of it so familiar to me that it stirs a warmth in my chest. I never thought this would happen again, but here we are.
I watch the way his thumbs move, goosebumps rising all over my body as that electrifying awareness comes back after being missing for so long. The gesture is so affectionate, and I have so many memories running through my mind of all the times he did it before—far too many to count, but all so distinct to me.
He could make it feel like we were having a whole conversation just by the way he touched my hands. And he’s doing that now. The way his thumb traces over the ridges of my knuckles feels like he’s asking me where we go from here.
“I don’t know…” My voice is soft, completely at odds with the way my heart is beating wildly in my chest. “I don’t know if we can go back to how we were.”
He nods his head, swallowing heavily, but he doesn’t let go of my hand.
“But I think we can start again,” I tell him, meaning it with everything I have. Even though I don’t know if I can completely forgive him, with so much still left unsaid, I know that I want him back in my life. “We can try being friends again.”
The way his face changes, the instant wash of relief that passes over it, and the shaky breath he lets out tells me it’s not what he expected to hear, even if he hoped it was.
“I’d like that. I missed having you as a friend. I missed you, Violet.”
I nod but don’t let myself say the words back to him just yet. He must notice but he doesn’t mention it.
I extract my hand from his, missing the comfort already, but I know if I stay here any longer, I might give him more than I should right now. Because while I do want to try being friends with him again, I don’t know if I’m ready for anything more.
Even if the voice in the back of my head is trying to convince me I am.
I collapse on my bed as soon as I get back to my room, not even sure how I had the energy to make it all the way here. All I want to do right now is talk to my mum, but she hasn’t been answering my calls, and her responses to my texts feel generic. This is the longest we’ve gone without speaking properly, and I hate it.
I knew she’d be upset when I told her I wanted to move away for university, but I hadn’t expected her to act like this. Every evening for the past few weeks, I’ve sent her a text to check in and let her know how I’m doing, and all I’ve gotten in return are short answers.
I pull out my phone to call her. It only rings for a few seconds before going to voicemail. A sigh escapes me, and then I’m calling Avery instead, who answers on the third ring.
“Are you busy?” I ask her, forcing myself to sit up.
“No, I’m just doing some homework. Are you good?”
“Yeah, I’ll be over in a second.”
“Okay, doors unlocked.”
We hang up, and I go to the bathroom to wash my face and put on some makeup to try and cover up the breakdown I just had.
Avery knows my mum hasn’t been speaking to me, so I want to ask for her advice on what to do because I don’t know how much longer I can go without her.
I let myself into Avery’s room like I usually do. She’s lying on her bed, phone held above her face as she types something. I lay down next to her on my side, and she drops her phone beside her before turning so we’re face to face.
“My mum still isn’t talking to me.”
She gives me a sympathetic look as she rubs her hand up and down my arm.
“Have you thought about going home to see her? ”
“I don’t know if I can handle her rejection in real life, too.”
“She’s not rejecting you. I think she’s just taking it a lot more personally than you expected. My parents were the same way when I told them, but they got over it quickly once they realised my decision had nothing to do with them or my relationship with them.”
I listen intently to her, taking in everything she’s saying and trying to figure out if it could work with my mum. Going home makes the most sense, and I think having a conversation in person would help a lot more considering I told her the news over the phone.
“You’re right. I’ll go on Friday after school and just try to talk to her.”
“I know you don’t want to hurt her feelings, but you need to think about your own too. I think if you just explain to her that it’s what you want to do and it’s what you think is best for your future, she’ll slowly start to understand. It might not happen right away, but it will eventually.”
I scoot closer to Avery, throwing my arm around her in a strange sideways hug that has us both laughing. We spend the rest of the evening together, going to dinner and then watching a movie in Avery’s room before I retreat to my own to get some rest before classes tomorrow.