23. Violet
23
VIOLET
I didn’t know whether I’d feel happy, angry, or sad when I finally heard the truth from Isaac. But now he’s laid it all out, it just feels like relief, like a weight has been lifted from both of our shoulders.
Hearing him talk about what happened and explain how he felt back then was heartbreaking. Knowing what he was going through helped settle the mixed emotions that I’ve been feeling for these past few months since we broke up.
When I was sat waiting for Isaac that day, I had a feeling that something terrible had happened, and, in a way, I guess it did. I knew he was struggling with telling his parents what he wanted to do - we’d had so many conversations about how he would broach the subject with them and how we’d deal with however they reacted. But I had no idea how bad it was that they’d threatened to make him leave school early and finish off at home. He made it clear to me plenty of times that he never enjoyed going home, always opting to spend as many half-term breaks at school as he could.
Seeing him the next day on the way to breakfast, the worry I had felt was replaced with anger and hurt. He was just walking along, hands in his pockets, as if he hadn’t forgotten something so important to us and hadn’t completely ignored all of my texts and calls. Even when we were just friends, we spoke every day, whether texting in class so I could see him laugh or talking on the phone late at night until I fell asleep. I always expected a day would come when we didn’t speak to each other, or we wouldn’t be able to see each other, but I never expected it to be on our birthday.
When I confronted him, I didn’t think the conversation would take the turn it did. I thought he would just tell me where he had been, explain why he hadn’t replied to me and then apologise and I’d be annoyed with him for a day at most before we moved past it.
But then he said we should break up.
It was like I was looking at a complete stranger because the Isaac I thought I knew would never have said that. I thought everything between us was great that we made plans for our future and were going to stick to them, but as soon as I heard those words, the bubble we spent so long protecting popped.
I was so angry and upset that I didn’t even want to hear anything else from him, so I just threw the markers I’d bought for him, ones he’d mentioned wanting so many times in passing and that I saved up for, and walked away. When he grabbed my wrist, it felt like I was on fire. I just wanted him off me, so I swore at him and left him behind, even though it was killing me inside .
I didn’t go to classes for the rest of the week. I told all the teachers that I was sick until my mum came to take me home early for summer because it felt like the easiest way to avoid seeing him. I couldn’t stand the thought of having to see him after what had happened. I didn’t know how I’d react to having to see the boy who felt like my entire world - my past, present, and future - was now someone entirely different.
But now he’s in front of me, and I’m holding years worth of our relationship in the palm of my hands.
“Do you know what the worst thing is?
Isaac doesn’t nod or shake his head. Just waits for me to continue. The worry on his face is so clear, and I want to smooth away the crease between his eyebrows, poke his cheek so the dimple I liked so much appears, but I can’t.
“The worst thing is I couldn’t even hate you. Deep down, I knew something else was going on because I knew you .”
He closes his eyes, letting the words sink in, and I know using the past tense has hurt him. But I don’t know him anymore, can’t reconcile the Isaac I knew for six years with the one I saw on that day that changed everything.
“I just wish you could have trusted me enough to tell me, Isaac,” I say it quietly because I still wish for it. I want that trust back between us but I don’t know how to do it. “We could have figured something out. Together.”
“I did trust you. I still do.” His voice is low, and the sheer effort of recounting the entire story to me is taking its toll on him. “There were so many things I told you that I never told anyone else. Even now, no one else knows I’m not planning on going to Oxford. You’re the only one I want to tell because we made those plans together. ”
I scoff, thinking about how foolish we were to believe this could last outside the boundaries of this school.
“We were stupid for thinking that we could plan a future together at sixteen.”
“No, we weren’t. I still want that future.” He steps closer to me, his arm brushing mine as he reaches for the cards, but I’m holding them tightly so his fingers run over mine before he drops them again. “I always wanted a future with you.”
“Then why did you end it?”
He lets out a deep sigh and steps away from me again, running his hands through his dark hair.
“I always feel like I’m disappointing people, but I never felt like that with you. You never wanted anything from me. I didn’t have to be the perfect big brother, or the perfect friend, or the perfect son. I could just be me . Whatever I was interested in, you always encouraged me. You’re the first person I ever showed my art to, and every time you said something nice about it, it felt like I was in a dream. I couldn’t believe how much you supported me just because you wanted to.”
His voice gets more ragged as he speaks like he’s finally letting out everything that he’s been holding in, and tears have started falling from his eyes.
“When I saw your face that day and realised how much I’d hurt you, I couldn’t handle it. I let you down just like I do with everyone else, but it felt so much worse because it was you .”
Isaac’s voice breaks on the word. He turns away from me, shoulders shaking as he takes in shallow breaths. I reach out to rest my hand on his back, wanting to create a physical tether between us so that he knows I’m here for him and that I’m not going anywhere.
I hate how much he’s breaking down, hate knowing that he’s been struggling with this alone for so long. I wish he had told me earlier about how much he was crumbling under the weight of expectations so I could have helped him more. But there’s no way to turn back the clock so I want to do everything I can to help him now .
“I wasn’t disappointed. I was hurt and sad and a little angry, but I’ve never once been disappointed in you, Isaac.”
I smooth my hand across his back, slowly dragging it up to hold the back of his neck. I gently nudge him, and he turns to face me with red eyes. “All I ever wanted was to be there for you.”
“You were.” He says, voice low and quiet, and then he lifts his hand to cover mine, holding it against the side of his neck where I can feel his pulse beating fast. “And I’ll keep apologising for as long as I need to. I know you can’t trust my words anymore, but I’ll do whatever it takes to show you that I’m in it for real this time.”
He pauses, eyes searching my face. I want him to say what I think he’s about to. I want him to say the words that have been hiding under the surface for the past few weeks. And then he does.
“I want to be with you, Violet. It’s the most selfish thing I could want, but I want it anyway.”
I drop the cards on the desk, and now both of my hands are on his neck, my thumbs grazing his jaw. I slowly slide them up until I’m holding his face, and he closes his eyes, dropping his head until there’s barely any space between us .
“I told you before, you’re not selfish for wanting that.”
His hands cover mine, his breath ghosting across my skin as he lets out a shaky breath. I move my thumbs up to his cheeks to wipe away the tears that have started falling again.
“Can you forgive me? Can you give me another chance?” He says it so quietly, like he’s scared to ask and scared of the answer.
And I want to say yes, want to give myself to him completely again, but it feels too soon. Too many emotions are running through me right now, and I’m worried I’ll make the wrong decision if I go all in with him.
But I want to give him another chance. I want to see where this could go if we tried again.
“I think I can try.”
I only see the relief on his face for a split second before he pulls me into a hug that I sink into immediately. I’ve missed the feel of his arms around me, missed resting my head on his chest and hearing his heartbeat, missed the smell of his perfume, missed just being with him like this.
He runs his hand up and down my spine, and I shiver, tightening my arms around him. I don’t know how long we stand like that, but it feels like we’re making up for lost time, and neither of us wants to let go first. So many months of not talking to each other, not seeing each other, not touching each other has led to this moment. Now, all I want to do is freeze time so that it never has to end.
“I want to do it right this time.” He says into my hair, and I tilt my head back to look at him.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. I just want to take you out somewhere and do something with you. I don’t want our entire relationship to be inside that old room again.”
I consider his words, the nervous tone in his voice, the way he’s not looking into my eyes, and I know what he’s asking me.
“Are you asking me out on a date, Isaac?”
Then his eyes meet mine, and he nods his head, a small smile appearing on his face. He’s my Isaac again.
“I think I am.”
“Okay.”
“Okay?” He brings one hand up to hold my chin and keep my gaze focused on him. I don’t want to look anywhere else anyway.
“Okay, I’ll go on a date with you.”
He lets out a breath of relief and presses his forehead to mine. For just a second, I imagine what it would be like to kiss him again.