24. Isaac
24
ISAAC
It took a while for me to process the fact that Violet had agreed to go on a date with me. Even though I desperately hoped for it, never in my wildest dreams did I expect her to give me another chance after I told her what happened. But she has, and I’m determined not to mess it up this time.
We agreed to go out on Saturday, and the lead up to it has felt like the longest week of my life. We’re still texting every day, our conversations gradually going back to the way they used to be. That alone makes me feel like I can take on the entire world.
I haven’t told her the plan for our date yet because I want to keep it a surprise, even though she’s asked me every single day. Setting it up has taken a lot of phone calls and planning, and although I know it’s going to be fine, there’s still a part of me that’s worried.
We never went on a real date before, always just spending time in that classroom and never meeting outside of it. But I told Violet that I want it to be different this time, and I mean it. I’m adamant that we can’t ever go back to that hidden-away classroom, and we can just leave it as a memory of where we started.
Violet bombards me with texts to ask what we’re doing, but I don’t give anything away.
Jaanu
Just a hint
An idea of where we’re going
Is it near school or further away?
Isaac
You’ll find out tomorrow
Meet me by my car at 11
Jaanu
Okay so it’s not near school if you’re driving
Isaac
I might just be lazy
Jaanu
Tell me!!!!
Isaac
No!!!!
Jaanu
You’re annoying, I’m going to bed
I can picture her face so clearly, that adorable pout she did whenever she feigned annoyance with me, and I wish I could see her.
But we’re not quite there yet.
I hope after tomorrow we will be.
Isaac
Sweet dreams, Violet
Jaanu
Goodnight
Things feel more comfortable between us now, but as soon as I get into bed, my mind starts racing, and a tiny voice in the back of my head says every negative thought I’ve tried to push away.
Just because she agreed to go on a date doesn’t mean she’ll want to be with me again.
Maybe we don’t even work outside of school, and our relationship was always destined to stay within those four walls.
Maybe she just agreed because she felt bad for me after I had a complete breakdown in front of her.
Maybe this is our last chance, and I’ll mess it all up again.
I push the thoughts away, though, and remind myself of who Violet is. She wouldn’t do anything she didn’t want to, and she certainly wouldn’t give me another chance if she thought there was nothing between us anymore. I cling to that last bit of hope and take it to sleep with me in the hopes that she’ll appear in my dreams again.
I wake up before my alarm goes off, my brain still going a thousand miles a minute as I think of all the ways this date could go wrong while I get ready. I wear an outfit that I know Violet will like, the main thing being a dark hoodie that she would borrow a lot. I haven’t worn it since we broke up because it still had her perfume on it from when she gave it back to me.
She would always cycle through my hoodies, giving them back when she wanted a new one to sleep or relax in, but this one was always her favourite. When she returned it to me, I didn’t give her a new one, and I’ve spent the past few months regretting it.
By the time it hits 10:30, I’m already standing by my car. I wanted to make sure it was tidy, and I’ve probably checked it about twenty times while I wait for her. I dip my head down to check how I look in the side mirror, noting that my hair is starting to look overgrown. I’m fiddling around with it so that it doesn’t catch on my glasses when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I want the ground to swallow me up. I slowly stand up and turn to face her, hoping that my face hasn’t turned bright red.
“Hi.”
She looks beautiful.
She’s wearing a white dress with little blue flowers dotted all around it that reaches just above her knees and a light blue oversized cardigan. Her eyelashes look even longer than usual, her eyes brighter, and her lips have a pink tint that makes me imagine doing something completely stupid. But the thing that catches my attention the most is the butterflies in her hair.
“Hey.”
It’s a struggle to get the singular word out, and I know I must look so weird just staring at her, but I can’t take my eyes off of her. I know hair clips shouldn’t have me feeling this way. They shouldn’t be making me feel like my legs are about to give out and like I need to lean against the car to steady myself, but they do .
“Is your mirror okay?”
“What?”
Her question throws me off, and I try to remember what was happening before I saw her.
“You were looking very closely at it.”
Oh, right. I wanted the ground to open up and take me.
“Yeah, I was just making sure it worked.”
The sound of her soft laugh helps me to relieve the feeling I have of wanting to throw myself into an abyss.
“Oh yeah, I’ve heard that’s a very important thing to check before any drive.”
I shake my head, bringing my hand up to cover my face as I hold back my own laughter. She walks around to the passenger side, and I hurry after her to open the door. She slides into the car, and I shut it behind her before going back to the driver's side and getting in. Violet puts on her seatbelt as I start the car, and I have to force away the image I had in my mind of leaning over to do it for her.
I turn the heat on high, switching on the seat warmers, too, so she doesn’t get too cold. I put my seatbelt on, and it’s only then that it finally hits me that she’s in the car with me right now. We talked about this a lot last year, fantasies of driving around together and going wherever we wanted to - now it’s finally happening. We don’t say anything as I pull out of the car park, and I think she’s in as much disbelief as I am. After everything that’s happened, just having her in the car with me feels like a dream come true.
After a few moments, when school is far behind us, Violet breaks the silence.
“So, are you finally going to tell me where we’re going? ”
“Nope, but it’s not too far. We’ll be there in like half an hour.”
“Come on, give me a tiny hint.”
She pushes at my arm gently, and the contact makes me feel electrified. I sneak a glance at her, and she’s making that adorable pouty face. It makes me want to tell her every single thing about the date - every single thing I feel for her.
“No hints, you’ll find out soon.”
I glance at my phone in the centre console and take my hand off the wheel for a second to pass it to her.
“Put on whatever you want.”
She taps the screen, lighting it up, and sliding up to unlock it so the keypad appears. I tell her before she even asks.
“My password hasn’t changed.”
From the side of my eye, I can see her tapping in the four-digit password that we made up together, a combination of both of our favourite numbers because using our birthdays didn’t exactly make sense when they were the same.
I haven’t changed anything on my phone since she last used it so she easily navigates to Spotify. I keep my focus on the road but then I remember all of the Taylor Swift songs that have been on repeat since we broke up because it made me feel closer to her to listen to her favourite songs.
Whenever we listened to music together, we always used our ‘on repeat’ playlists because it felt like an easier way to share how we were feeling without saying it. I hope that she’ll decide to listen to something else instead, but the small gasp she lets out tells me she’s tapped on it .
“This is a lot of folkmore,” she says, scrolling through it, and I can feel my cheeks burning.
“I’ve been listening to them while I study.”
I don’t tell her that I feel like I’ve been relating to too many of the lyrics lately, especially the ones about regret. I also hope she doesn’t notice the lack of other albums on there, the more romantic ones that hurt too much to listen to, because I associated them all with her.
She stops scrolling and taps on a song, Taylor’s voice carrying through the car for the rest of the drive. We mainly make small talk, and I think both of us are unsure of what we can and can’t talk about with this new dynamic we’re in.
We knew pretty much everything about each other before, but now there’s this gap of a few months where I didn’t hear about every part of her day. I’m greedy for it, though. I want to hear about everything I missed out on. I could listen to her talk for hours on end just to catch up. But that conversation seems a little heavy for a first date, so I will keep it to myself.
When we finally reach our destination, I park up and quickly rush around the car to open her door for her and she thanks me as she gets out. When I close the door and lock it, instinct wants me to take her hand, hold it in mine as I guide her to where we’re going, but I don’t.
She looks around, arms crossed over her chest, and there’s a chill in the air that has me wanting to take my hoodie off and give it to her.
“Now, will you tell me where we’re going?”
I point behind her to the small bookstore that I’ve been in contact with all week and she turns to look at it before spinning back to me .
“Really?” She can’t hide the excitement in her voice as she clutches onto my arm, squeezing tightly.
“Yeah, I thought you’d like it.”
Violet lets out a little squeal, nails digging into my arms, but I don’t even mind the pain - I want any marks that she’ll leave behind. She lets go and turns around, practically skipping towards the store. I’m frozen as I watch her, the smile on her face before she went lighting me up from the inside. She doesn’t get too far away before she realises I’m not following her, and then she comes back to me, taking my hand in hers and pulling me with her.
In that moment, I know I’ll follow wherever she goes.