33. Isaac
33
ISAAC
The first week back at school is filled with Violet and my friends constantly checking on me to make sure I’m okay. I think my muted reaction to the situation is really throwing them, but deep down, I knew it was always going to end this way. As much as I would have loved for that conversation to go differently, for my dad to hear me out for even just a second, I knew he wouldn’t.
He’s always been too stubborn, and we’ve never really had the kind of relationship that my friends seem to have with their parents. When I was younger, I thought it was my fault and blamed myself for how cold he was towards me, but as I’ve gotten older, I realised that’s just the way he is. I spent so long trying to be whatever he wanted me to be, and that just meant I was constantly putting my own feelings on the back burner.
But now, it feels good to think about myself first. I’m excited about the future because I know the plans I’ve made are well within my reach.
I did expect my mum to try and challenge him about it, but by the time I had packed all my stuff into my car the next morning, it was obvious that wasn’t going to happen. She said goodbye to me as if it was any other day, and although it stung a little, I think it would have been worse if she had fought for me and lost. Izzy isn’t speaking to either of them right now, and I’m determined to get her out of that house as soon as I can so that she won’t have to deal with the same things I have.
When I told Luke what had happened, I didn’t even need to ask if I could stay with him because he insisted on it immediately. Jinhee and Olivia even offered to let me stay at their houses when I eventually get annoyed with Luke, but he took that extremely personally, so I promised I’d stay with him all summer. Luke’s parents even offered to help me find a place in London and said they’d help with any costs that student loans won’t cover. The love and support from my friends and even their parents is enough to reassure me that I can get through this.
Violet has been a huge help, too, and every day, I’m more and more grateful to have her back in my life again. She told me that something similar had happened with her mum and that her parents kicked her out, too. That’s why I’m on the phone with her right now while Violet sits next to me, rubbing soothing circles onto my palm.
I’d told Violet before that I wanted to meet her mum, and I hoped it would have been under much better circumstances than this. But seeing how well her mum has done with her life and how wonderfully she’s raised Violet just gave me even more hope that this is just a small hurdle and that I can come out even better on the other side.
“You’re welcome at our house any time over the summer. Just give me a heads up, and I’ll make whatever you want for dinner.”
“I will, thank you, Mrs Ayaz.”
“Take care, Isaac. I hope to see you soon.”
“Me too.”
I pass the phone to Violet so she can say goodbye to her mum. I can only hear a few muffled words about doors having to stay open before Violet yells, ‘Oh my god’ and hangs up.
“Did you hear what she said?”
“Not really.”
I decide to save us both the embarrassment but can’t hold back my laughter when Violet groans and collapses backward onto the bed, covering her eyes with her hands. I follow her down so we’re laying side by side, and when she finally turns her head to look at me, I’m hit with an overwhelming sense of gratitude.
The fact that I can be like this with her right now, can see her, touch her, talk to her whenever I want, feels like a dream. As much as I regret what happened and the time we spent apart, it just makes me appreciate the time we have now even more.
She reaches for my hand, which rests between us, and I give it to her easily, our fingers slotting together like my hands were exclusively made for holding hers. At some point, we both turned, so we’re lying on our sides facing each other, and my eyes flit across her face, taking in every feature as if they’re brand new.
I’m always surprised by how she seems to get more and more beautiful each day.
I lift my free hand to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear. She gives me that soft smile of hers that makes me feel like nothing else in the world matters except for her.
We lay like that for a while, inside our own little world where we don’t need to speak to communicate. I’ve wanted to say those three words to her for a long time now, but I’m still holding them back until everything else we’ve got going on with exams, universities, and the project is settled. When I say them to her, I want it to be at the perfect moment.
She came to my room so we could work on the project because we both hadn’t been spending as much time on it as we should. The deadline is coming up at the end of April in a few weeks, just before exams start in May, and we aim to finish it by the start of the month so that we can relax a bit before we have to study a ridiculous amount.
“Come on, let’s get some work done, and then we can watch a movie or something.”
“Hmm, I think I’d rather do the something if it’s what I’m thinking of,” she says as leans over to kiss me.
She’s going to ruin me.
Maybe she already has.
I force myself to sit up because I know if we stay like that for any longer then nothing productive will get done. I move to sit at my desk, and Violet stays on my bed because we don’t have another chair. I pass her laptop to her and she takes it from me, settling her back against the wall, knees propped up as she balances the laptop on top of them and starts typing.
My laptop is hooked up to my drawing tablet, so first, I watch through everything I’ve done so far, noting places where another frame could be added to make the result smoother. I spend a few hours doing that, drawing and redrawing, watching the same clip multiple times to make sure it all looks fine, and I can feel my hand starting to cramp up from how long I’ve been holding the stylus.
I drop it to the desk and start flexing my fingers, trying to stretch the muscles out as best as I can. It’s a bad habit of mine to get lost in drawing to the point where I don’t realise I haven’t let go of my pen for so long. I press my hands together, bend my fingers backward and pull at them to try and lessen the pain, but it’s still there, so I take it as a sign to have a break.
At some point, Violet changed how she was sitting, so now her legs are stretched out in front of her, and the laptop is resting on her thighs instead. I tap her foot to get her attention, and she looks up from her laptop to me, eyebrows raised in question.
“Let’s take a break,” I tell her, standing up from the chair to go and sit next to her on the bed.
She moves her laptop to the side of her, holding out her hand and gesturing for me to come towards her as she crosses her legs.
I take my place next to her, and she instantly leans her head on my shoulder, so I rest my head on top of hers. She intertwines our fingers, but when she gives my hand a light squeeze, I let out a small hiss that has her head butting my chin as she tries to look at my face.
“Did you hurt your hand?” she asks, worry lining her voice.
“It just cramped up a little. It’ll be okay in a bit.”
Violet unlinks our fingers and pulls my hand into her lap before she starts gently massaging it. She runs her thumb through the gap in between each knuckle, up and down each finger, with a light pressure that doesn’t hurt too much but seems to be doing the trick. I reach my free hand to hold her head and bring it back to my shoulder, resting mine on top of hers again as she soothes my aching hand.
After a few moments, I close my eyes, trying to memorise everything about this moment - the lavender scent of her hair, the weight of her pressed against my side as she leans on me, the steady movements of her hand on mine. I don’t want to forget a single thing.
I open my eyes when she lifts my hand to her lips and places a kiss on each knuckle and then the back of my hand. I link our fingers together, the pain completely gone, and do the same to her, not even trying to hide the huge smile on my face.
I wait for her to say something, but when she’s silent, I lift my head from hers and lean forward a little to look down at her face. She’s staring at my wall, more specifically at the empty spot next to my collection of her birthday cards.
“I still have it, you know,” I say, placing my hand back on hers.
“Hmm?”
“The card I wanted to give you last year.”
She knocks my chin again, her fingers tensing in mine as she looks at me with sad eyes.
“Can I see it?”
“Of course.”
I let go of her hand so I can shuffle forward to get off the bed and grab my backpack. I open it to find the card that’s been there since last year, permanently sandwiched between two old sketchbooks that I don’t use except for this purpose. Both of our hands shake slightly as I pass the card to her - mine because I remember every word I wrote, hers because she’s probably worried about what’s in there.
I debate between giving her space or sitting next to her while she reads it. She doesn’t give me much of a choice, though, as she pats the space beside her, and so I take my place next to her.
She leans on me again, fingers toying with the opening of the envelope for a few seconds before she finally unfolds it. Violet takes the card out slowly, and I try to steady my breathing as I prepare for her to read what I wanted to tell her a few months ago—what I’ve wanted to tell her for even longer than that.
This is going to be a little different compared to my other cards, but we’ve been different this year so I hope you’ll forgive me for that.
I’ve tried writing this probably a hundred times, trying to find the right way to tell you just how much you mean to me, but I’ve never been good with words like you are.
You’ve changed my life, Violet.
That’s the simplest way I can put it.
Jaanu, my life, my soul.
When you first told me what that word meant, I couldn’t believe there was a single word that could describe how I felt about you. The fact that you could teach me what that word was just feels like another reason that we’re fated. And I know you think it’s funny every time I say it, but how else could I be so lucky to know you, to have you, to love you?
I love you, Violet.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment I realised so I could look back on it, but there’s no need for that because I’m hit with it every time I see you.
Any time I think of my best friend, it’s you.
Any time I think of who I want beside me for the rest of my life, it’s you.
Any time I think of home, it’s you.
And it’s okay if you don’t feel the same way yet. I just couldn’t wait any longer to tell you.
I don’t know what the next year holds for us, but university applications and exams will probably push us to our limits. I’ll probably annoy the hell out of you, but I believe in us.
I believe we can get through anything together.
I can’t wait for our future.
I love you.
Your Isaac
Her hands are shaking as she holds onto the card, and then I hear her take in a sharp breath. I lift her head off my shoulder, twisting my body uncomfortably so that I can see her face clearly as I take it in my hands. Tears are streaming from her eyes, and I wipe them away before bringing her head to my neck, holding her close to me, and wrapping my arms around her until she’s practically sitting in my lap.
“Hey, hey, hey. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“Stop apologising,” she hiccups out, her voice muffled from how close I’m holding her to me. “Do you really mean it?”
“Of course I do.” I stroke her hair, trying to calm her down so she’ll stop crying because even though I know it’s happy tears, it still breaks my heart. “I-“
She tries to lift her head, and I let her, glistening beautiful brown eyes staring into mine, and it’s like I can see my entire future in them.
“You can’t say it when I’m not looking at you.” She sniffles, swiping at her eyes and nose, and she’s still the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.
I let out a small laugh and then cradle her face in my hands, running my thumbs across her cheeks as I tilt her head up to look at me clearly.
“I love you, Violet,” I say, my voice steady because I’ve never been more sure of anything else in my life.
“I love you, too.”
I never expected to hear those words from her, and it’s like a dam has broken inside of me. All the worries and insecurities I’ve had about her feelings for me flood out and leave my mind completely clear. I bring her face closer to mine and kiss her like it’s the most important thing I’ll ever do.