32. Isaac
32
ISAAC
Somehow, I’ve managed to get through the whole week break without having a conversation with my parents about university. The day after Izzy and I got home, they were both flooded with work, so I’ve avoided them as much as possible by staying in my room whenever they get back at night and only leaving it in the morning once they’ve left the house.
But we have to go back to school tomorrow, and my dad has made it clear that he wants this conversation to happen before I leave. I’m pacing around my room as I wait for him to get home, and I jump when I hear my phone ring, scared that it’s him, but it’s Violet.
“Have you spoken to him yet?” she asks as soon as her face comes into view on my screen. We’ve talked to each other pretty much 24/7 this entire week, but I still can’t wait to go back to school tomorrow and see her.
“Not yet. I’m waiting for him to get home.” I let out a sigh as I sit down on my bed, dread filling me as I think about all the different outcomes .
“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” she says with a weak smile on her face. I’m not optimistic at all but that doesn’t deter Violet from trying to encourage me even when it seems pointless to her too.
“And what if it’s not?” I ask quietly because although I’ve thought about every worst-case scenario in my head, I haven’t voiced any of them aloud.
“Then we’ll figure it out together. Whatever happens, we’ll be alright. You will be alright.” She pauses, and I wish I could have the same faith in myself that she seems to have in me. “I’m here for you no matter what.”
I hear the words she isn’t saying, that she’ll still be with me even if the slimmest chance comes true and I do end up at Oxford. But I’m determined not to have her make that choice - I’m going with her, and we’re chasing the dreams we made together.
The sound of my dad’s car pulling up in the driveway extinguishes any good thoughts I had, and it must show on my face because then Violet is telling me, again, that she believes in me and that we’ll be fine. I hang up the phone and drop it on my bed, trying to steady my breathing before leaving my room.
When I get downstairs, my dad is in the kitchen, briefcase in hand, with his tie loosened around his neck and exhaustion clear on his face. I wonder if that’s what I’ll look like when I’m his age, whether I’ll be as worn down as he looks because of the job I’m working. I hate the thought of it - that’s not the life I want.
He says my name when he catches sight of me and gestures towards the table, telling me to sit. This is it.
“Are you still set on taking a gap year?” he asks, once again avoiding any niceties and getting straight to the root of what he wants to talk about. I can’t even remember the last time he asked how I was.
I brace myself, hands clasped under the table so he can’t see the way my nails are digging into the backs of them.
I want to lie, to pretend that I want a gap year and that I’ll go to Oxford next September instead. But then I think of Violet, of a future with her, and that gives me the bravery I need to say the truth.
“No, I’m not.”
My father just looks at me, the lines on his forehead getting deeper as he raises his eyebrows and nods to himself.
“Glad you got that out of your head before it was too late. Get your laptop, and we’ll confirm Oxford as your top choice.”
I exhale shakily, my hands still clenched together as I force the words out of my mouth.
“I’m not going to Oxford.”
His expression changes in an instant. His eyebrows drop, and the crease between them becomes more prominent as he frowns.
“This isn’t the time for jokes. I thought we got rid of this silly idea last year.”
“It’s not silly.” I know I sound like a child, but I can’t help it. “I don’t want to go to Oxford or do Law or do anything like that.”
“What does wanting have to do with it? It’s all been lined up for you. You just have to do as we say.”
“But why? Because you and mum did it? You both love your jobs, and I’m appreciative of everything that you’ve provided for me, but it’s not what I want to do. ”
“You think I love my job? The long hours, the tedious clients, the unending paperwork? There’s nothing to love about it, but I do it so I can give you the life that you and your sister have enjoyed since you were born.”
“Don’t bring Izzy into this.”
“I know what you’ve been trying to do to her, too. Putting the same foolish thoughts into her head that fill yours, but I won’t allow it anymore. You’re going to do as you’re told, and so is she.”
“Again, I’m asking why? You just said you hated everything about it, so why do you want that for me, too? I have a path I want to follow, one that will make me happy, and I’ll actually enjoy. Why can’t I do that?”
“Because that’s not what the real world is like, Isaac. We’ve let you live in a fantasy for long enough at that school, but it’s time to stop now. You’ll confirm Oxford and finish the year out, and then you’ll move on with your life.”
It feels like I’m outside of my body watching this conversation happen like everything is muffled and I’m underwater.
I think about Izzy and how much I don’t want this to be her life, too. I think about Violet and the life I want to have with her. Thinking about the two most important girls in my life is what gives me the courage to finally stand up to him.
I’m tired of having to lie to them, tired of keeping up the pretence for so long, tired of not being supported by the people who are supposed to.
“What if I don’t?” I keep my tone steady, not letting it waver for a single syllable.
“Don’t what? ”
“What if I don’t go to Oxford? What will you do?”
“Don’t be stupid.”
“Stop calling me stupid and silly and all of these other words that you think describe me. Answer me. What will you do if I don’t go to Oxford?”
My father pauses, that same stern look on his face that I’ve become so accustomed to that it doesn’t even phase me anymore. There’s always been a distance between us, but it feels like he’s completely unreachable now.
“You can leave.”
I push my chair back and stand up, realising that this conversation was never going to go the way I wanted it to and it was completely pointless.
“I’m not going to Oxford,” I tell him, wanting to have the final word and be as clear as possible as I turn around to leave the room.
“That’s fine. But then don’t ever come back to my house again.”
It feels like the earth has opened up underneath me, and I’ve dropped through it with the way my stomach lurches. I turn around to look at him, wanting to make sure I heard him correctly, but his facial expression hasn’t changed. He’s completely serious.
“What?”
“You heard me. You can do whatever you want, but don’t come back here.”
“Are you…” I try to make sense of what he’s saying to figure out if he means what I think he does. “Are you kicking me out?”
“Your accommodation at school is paid for until the end of the year. You can stay there until then, but don’t bother coming home during summer if you make the decision you want to make.”
“You can’t do that.”
“Why can’t I? You’re turning eighteen in July. You won’t be my responsibility anymore.”
“Mum won’t let you.” I try to play to his soft spot even when I know it’s useless. She’ll go along with whatever he says.
“She will once I explain how our eldest and only son has wasted both of our time and resources,” he tsks, loosening his tie further before removing it. “Everything we’ve done for you, and it was for nothing. What a waste.”
He stands to pour himself a glass of whisky, acting completely normal as if he hasn’t just threatened to upend my entire life.
“You’re serious.”
“Of course I am.”
He turns to me as he sips his drink, no emotion on his face at all. And it’s this, the casual way he’s saying all of this and reacting to it, that settles my emotions and stops the panic from building.
He truly does not care about me.
He’s only seen me as something he could mould into what he wanted rather than as his son. I think I’ve known it for a while now, and I’ve been in denial the whole time, but this is the proof I needed.
I know he’s expecting more of a reaction, maybe for me to beg and plead with him based on the way he's looking at me. But I won’t give him that. He said it’s not realistic for me to have everything I want, and he’s right. I wanted supportive parents, ones who would let me pursue the career I wanted rather than the one they forced upon me, but that’s not my reality, and I am surprisingly fine with it. There’s a strange sense of relief flooding through me as I realise that I no longer have to meet their expectations, that I can do whatever I want because I have enough people in my corner.
“It’s really that important to you? More than having a relationship with me?”
“Yes.”
His one-word answer is all I need.
“Okay, I’ll pack my things and be out of your house tomorrow.”
His eyes widen for a fraction of a second before he schools his expression, but I caught it - he didn’t think I would actually leave.
When I broke up with Violet, the main thought running through my head was that I couldn’t have everything I wanted - supportive parents, following my dream career, a wonderful relationship with the girl I love, and it’s true.
But I can give up one of them and still survive. As much as I would love my parents’ support, I don’t need it if it’s going to come with conditions.
“Thank you for everything,” I tell him as I leave the kitchen.
I keep my head held high because even though reality might hit me tomorrow, and I’ll think I’ve made a mistake, in the end, I’m doing what’s best for me.
I make my way up the stairs and Izzy’s standing at the top of the landing, tears streaming down her cheeks. I take the steps two at a time to reach her, pulling her into a hug .
“Izzy, it’s okay,” I tell her, shuffling us backward until we get into her room, and I close the door behind us.
“You’re leaving?” She sniffles, her face buried in my chest. She’s probably ruining one of my favourite T-shirts, but I don’t care. I need her to know that this won’t change anything between us.
“I have to, Izzy. I want to be happy, and I can’t do that here. I’m still your brother, and I’ll always love you.”
“But where will you go?”
I don’t even need to think about it because even though I haven’t had support from my parents, I’ve had it from my friends for my entire life.
“I’ll stay at Luke’s until September, and then I’ll be moving to London anyway.”
She nods her head, and I let her cry, rubbing her back and allowing her to process what’s happening.
I’ve figured out my future, but now I need to plan how I can help Izzy, too. Once I’m settled in London with Violet, I’m sure she won’t mind letting Izzy stay with us. I start thinking about how I’m going to tell her, and although I don’t want to do it over the phone I know she’ll want to know what happened.
Once Izzy has settled down a bit, her arms still around my waist, I give her a gentle squeeze and let go of her. She does the same, taking a step back from me, her face all red. I try to lighten the mood because I know this is harder for Izzy than it is for me right now.
“Oof, your eyes are going to be so puffy tomorrow when we go back to school.”
“Oh my god, stop. Is it that bad?” She rushes into her bathroom, and I hear a loud groan before she comes back out and punches my arm .
“Ow, what did I do?”
“You’re the reason I’m crying! I need some ice for my eyes.”
“You sort yourself out. I’m going to go talk to Violet and Luke. We can watch a movie after if you want?”
“Okay, but I’m picking. There’s only so many times I can watch Ghibli movies.”
“I’ll ignore the blasphemy this time because I know you’re upset.”
I leave her room before she can say anything else and go back to mine, picking up my phone from where I’ve left it on my bed. There are two texts from Violet so I tap on them to see what she’s said.
Jaanu
Everything will be okay
Call me when you can
I call her and she answers immediately and as soon as I see her face, I know I’ve made the right decision.
“How was it?”
“Not great, but it’s okay.”
“What happened?”
“He’s kicking me out.”
“Isaac!” She sits up, her face filling up the entire screen now as she holds the phone closer. “Are you serious?”
“Yeah, but I’m not worried at all. At some point, I realised it was never going to end the way I wanted it to, but that’s okay. I have enough support from you and everyone else that I care about.”
Violet looks confused, and I know my calmness must be throwing her, but I really do feel okay about the whole situation.
“Are you sure you’re okay? This is a lot to take in,” she says, concern lining her face. I wish I could smooth the crease between her brows, place her hand on my chest so that she can see my heart is completely steady.
“I know, but I’m fine. I’ll stay at school until the term ends, and then I’ll stay at Luke’s house until we move to London. You were right. Everything is going to be okay.”
I smile at her, and she finally realises that I’m telling the truth. Her returning smile lights up my whole world, a constant bright spot regardless of what else is happening in my life.
“What time are you getting to school tomorrow?” I ask, changing the subject because there’s no use dwelling on what’s happened. I just want to focus on my future now, the one I want and I’ve planned for myself.
“Probably in the afternoon. I’ll get there as soon as I can.”
“Okay, I’ll be in my room, so just come over whenever you’re ready.”
She nods, that beautiful smile still on her face, and we talk for a bit longer before I tell her that Izzy is waiting for me to watch a movie. I promise Violet that I’ll call her before we go to sleep, not wanting to disrupt our nightly routine. She asks how Izzy is, and I love how much she cares about her, too. I reassure her that she’s fine before we hang up.
When I go to Izzy’s room she’s got a movie set up on her TV, and I can tell from the production company that the screen is paused on that it’s a horror. I hate watching them, and she knows that, but I’ll let her off this time. We watch the movie in two differing states, Izzy at the edge of her seat and me curled up into a ball with my hands over my eyes trying to block out as much as possible.
I go back to my room after the movie ends and call Violet, and when she falls asleep, I take a moment to really take in what’s happened in the past few hours.
It might be difficult, but I will be okay.