Chapter Fifty-Seven Max
Chapter Fifty-Seven
Max
My mind is a jumbled, incoherent mess, and that never happens.
I fucking lost her.
By the time I’ve walked back to my apartment, I can’t feel my fingers, I can’t feel my toes. Everything is frozen and all that’s left is a hollow throb, like everything inside me has gone quiet.
Anna’s in the bathroom when I return, so I go straight to my en suite, turn the water to scorching, and step under the spray. The heat pricks my skin like a million tiny bee stings, waking up nerves I didn’t realize had gone numb.
By the time I step out, dry off, and change into warm clothes, I feel like dead weight.
But the night isn’t over yet.
I pad into the kitchen and flick on the kettle. Tea for Anna. A hot toddy for me.
I scrub my hand down my face, bone-deep exhausted, when a small voice chimes in from behind me.
“Hi,” Anna says softly.
I turn, hand her a mug, and walk us both to the sofa, placing my glass on the coffee table.
For a long time, we sit in silence. Neither of us utters a word.
“What happened?” I ask, resting my elbows on my thighs.
Her lower lip wobbles. “We had a fight. I mentioned that April and James are trying for a baby, and he lost it. Said I keep bringing up the same conversation over and over, and that he’s already told me where he stands and nothing’s going to change his mind.
” She swipes her cheek with the back of her hand.
“So, I gave him an ultimatum. I told him I couldn’t keep waiting around to see whether he would change his mind—he said he wouldn’t. ”
I wait, seeing she hasn’t finished.
“He said…” Her words falter. “He said maybe it was time we stopped torturing ourselves and just accepted that we want different things. That staying together would only make it harder for both of us.”
“Jesus, Anna.” I rub the back of my neck.
“I really wish he’d changed his mind… our life was so amazing otherwise,” she whispers.
“I’m so sorry.”
She reaches for the tissue box on the coffee table, and I hang my head, totally defeated.
She manages a watery smile. “It’s for the best.”
I lift my chin. “Don’t do that. Don’t try to be strong. You don’t have to pretend, Anna.”
Her fingers fiddle with the handle of the mug. “It hurts, Max,” she says, her eyes glistening. “It really hurts.”
I scoot over to her, encasing her in my arms. I rock her back and forth as she cries, and I let her. I let her wail. Let her scream. I let her push against me, but I don’t let go.
We sit like that for what feels like hours until her sobs finally subside.
“You know,” I break the silence, “when Casey and I split, I thought I’d never recover from it. I knew I couldn’t stay in something that wasn’t working, but I also knew that holding on to what was already dead would only hurt us both more. It would have been dishonest to keep pretending.”
She looks at me, her eyes red-rimmed.
“The thing is, Anna, sometimes walking away is the bravest thing you can do. And I know this feels like the end of everything right now, but the world will open up for you in ways you can’t even imagine yet.”
I take her hand and squeeze it. “Everything that’s meant to be will find its way to you. And when the time is right—with the right person, or even on your own—you’re going to be the most incredible mother. I know it.”
She lets out a shaky breath, and I continue.
“You and Mason had something beautiful for a long time. You’re allowed to grieve that—and you will.
But don’t let yourself grieve a future you’ve not had the chance to live.
You’ve got to take this life and turn it into something worth living.
Something that brings you meaning and happiness and everything you’ve dreamt of. ”
She wipes her nose with the tissue. “What if I’m too old? I’m mid-thirties, Max. What if it’s too late?”
“Fuck societal expectations, Anna, they’ve never stopped you before. It’s not too late. And if you don’t happen to meet someone, then I know you can do it on your own. You’re so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.” My voice is firm. “You have time. Take it. Live well,” I say.
She gives me a small, sad smile. “He’s moving out. He won’t be home when I return tomorrow morning. He’s going to stay with his family until we finalize things,” she says.
I rub a soothing circle over her back. “What do you need? Is there anything I can do to help?”
She shakes her head. “Not right now.” Her gaze darts to the windows. “I didn’t mean to walk in on you two,” she says. “I didn’t even knock. I just… I used my key.”
I nod slowly. “You don’t have to apologize.”
She swallows and her eyes drop to the mug in front of her. “I needed you.”
“And we’re here, weasel. That doesn’t change a thing,” I tell her.
She sits back, putting some distance between us. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Would timing have made a difference?”
She tenses. “No.”
“And now?” I force the question as my whole body locks up, prepared for her answer.
“I’m pissed at you, Max. Both of you.” Her voice hardens.
“So that’s it? Your own marriage falls apart so I can’t be happy? Your best friend can’t be happy?”
Anna watches me carefully. “That’s not fair. You lied to me.”
“And we’re sorry. What more do you want from us?”
“Us?” she asks incredulously. “US? So, what? You’re a couple now?”
I grind my teeth. “I’m in love with her, Anna. I love Gemma.”
She freezes. Whatever retort she was preparing dies on her lips. For several beats, she just stares at me.
“You what?” she finally whispers.
“I fucking love her,” I say, pushing my hair off my forehead.
She shakes her head dismissively. “You’ve been back for eight weeks, Max. You don’t love her. Sometimes lust just feels a lot like love.”
Her condescension strikes a match and ignites something fierce in me.
I adore my sister, but who the hell is she to tell me how I feel?
“Don’t sit here and minimize what she means to me.”
“Gemma doesn’t love,” she says flatly.
“Is it really that hard for you to believe?” I lean forward. “That we aren’t capable or deserving of each other’s love? Because you selfishly want it all for yourself?”
“That’s not—” she starts, affronted.
“It is, Anna. It damn well is.” I cut her off. “She let me in.” I smack my chest hard enough to hurt. “ME! Finally! She finally fucking let me in!”
Her eyes well up all over again, but I can’t stop.
“For the last eight weeks, I’ve seen everything that amazing woman has to offer,” I continue. “Every wall she’s built, every fear she hides, every brilliant, maddening part of her. And I’m not going to let anyone—not even you—tell me that I can’t love her, because she deserves it, Anna.”
I take in a ragged breath. “And I know it’s fast, and I know you might not believe me, but I don’t care.” I press my hand to my heart. “I’m sorry that you’re going through a hard time. Truly, I am. But I love her, and I’m going to love her, with or without your approval.”
“Of course she deserves love. That’s not what I’m—”
“Just as long as it’s not with me, right?”
Anna recoils like I’ve slapped her. Her eyes flash. “That’s not what I meant,” she snaps. “But she’s my best friend, Max. I was totally blindsided.”
“And you think what I have with Gemma only blindsided you?” I fire back. “You think we didn’t try to fight it?”
“Maybe you should have tried harder,” she whispers.
I push up from the sofa, pacing. “Jesus, Anna. You’re acting like we did this to hurt you. Neither of us expected this to happen. But it’s real.”
She shoots up from the couch. “Okay! Fine! I get it!”
“I know you’re hurt.” I step closer, putting a hand on her shoulder.
“I understand—I do. I’ve been there. Your life is imploding.
You needed your people. I’m sorry we didn’t tell you the truth from the beginning.
But that doesn’t mean you get to punish us for finding something good in the middle of all this carnage. ”
Her face crumples. “When I saw you two… it felt like I wasn’t just losing Mason, but everything…” She trails off, sniffing. “After what happened with Nicole—”
“I get that. Nicole hurt you all those years ago. But Gemma isn’t Nicole.” I approach her, gripping her shoulders. “You haven’t lost us.”
She exhales, her hands trembling. “I know I’m not being fair… I just don’t want to lose either of you.”
I bend so I’m eye level with her. “Then stop pushing us away. You don’t have to lose us, Anna. Not me. Not Gemma. But you will if you hold this over our heads.”
She closes her eyes.
“I’ll always be your brother.” I rub her arm. “Nothing changes that.” I pause, swallowing the thickness in my throat. “And do you know what Gemma said to me tonight when I went to her?”
She sniffles, tilting her head.
“She didn’t choose me, Anna. She chose you.” My voice catches on the admission. “She said it wouldn’t work between us. That you needed me more than she does. And then she told me to leave.”
Anna’s chin trembles.
“She’s a real friend,” I say gently.
Anna closes her eyes. She doesn’t speak.
“I fell in love with someone I never expected to,” I continue.
“Someone who wasn’t supposed to be mine.
And I’m leaving London next weekend, possibly forever.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering what might have been because I let her walk away to protect someone who couldn’t find it in herself to meet us halfway.
” My words come out broken. “And now I’ve lost her.
Not because she doesn’t love me, but because she thinks we’ve destroyed everything that matters to you.
Because she doesn’t think you’ll ever forgive her…
so if you really love her—if she’s really the best friend you claim she is—then tell her.
Remind her she hasn’t lost you. Because I know Gemma.
She wants to be here for you, but she won’t come back to me as long as she believes she’ll lose you. ”
A tear escapes despite my efforts, and I swipe it away with my sleeve. “I can’t lose her, Anna.” I whisper, too exhausted to hold myself together anymore. “If I have to love her across an ocean, I will. But I can’t bear knowing I lost her because we were both too afraid to fight for love.”
Anna exhales a shaky breath. “I just need some time.”
“I’m not asking for permission, Anna,” I say without hesitation.
“Then what are you asking for?”
“Humility.”