Chapter Four
T elling herself this was a bad idea didn’t seem to dampen Mandy’s desire. Even as Rick kissed her more deeply, exploring her mouth and pulling her close, she felt herself straining for more. Little things like sense and rational thought didn’t seem very important when compared with the heated passion flaring between them.
She’d never felt like this before. Never felt such an overpowering need to be physically intimate with someone. Every part of her ached. Her skin felt so sensitized that the lightest touch could bring her to her knees. She found herself wanting to rip off her clothes, to tear off his and have Rick and herself fall together in a tangle of arms and legs.
“Mandy,” Rick breathed against her mouth.
He sounded out of breath, which made her shiver in delight, too. She wanted him unable to think, unable to breathe, unable to do anything but be with her right now.
With their arms around each other, still kissing, they began to move back into the bedroom. She felt the smooth hardwood floor against her bare feet. A memory flickered in her mind, that she’d left her purse and her shoes downstairs. Not that she was going to need either right now.
Rick cupped her face in his hands, then ran his fingers through her long hair. “You’re so beautiful,” he murmured as he rained kisses on her cheeks, her nose, her mouth before pressing his lips to the pulse point at the base of her throat. She clung to him to stay upright.
“Are you sure?” he asked. “I don’t want to push you.”
She gave a strangled laugh. Sure? She was sure she was going to die if they didn’t make love right this second.
Rather than answer the question with something as silly as words, she reached for the buttons on his short-sleeved shirt and began unfastening them. He gave a low groan and shifted so he could reach behind her.
She felt her zipper being lowered past her waist to her hips. Then his hands were on her bare skin. He was warm and tender as he stroked the length of her spine. Her dress dropped a few inches but caught in the crook of her elbows. She straightened her arms long enough to let it fall to the floor.
He took a step back and jerked his partially unbuttoned shirt out of his waistband. His gaze fixed on her body, he shrugged out of his shirt and went to work on his slacks. As a rule Mandy wasn’t comfortable being stared at while she was partially—or completely—undressed. But somehow with Rick it didn’t matter. The pleasure in his eyes, the straining ridge of his arousal, all told her that he liked what he saw.
They came together again, this time touching each other everywhere. He fumbled for the clasp on her bra while she explored the thick muscles of his back. She ran her fingers through the light dusting of hair over his sculpted chest, then moved lower to narrow hips. He freed her bra and dropped it to the ground, then rested his hand on her left breast.
All thought fled from her brain. She could only feel the gentle touch of his fingers on her skin. He moved his thumb against her tight nipple and fire shot through her. She gasped.
There was a quick movement and she felt herself falling. They tumbled together onto the mattress, his body half-covering hers.
Their naked legs brushed together. She looked up into his blue eyes and saw an answering fire flickering there. Need tightened his mouth. His hand slipped from her breast to her hip and back, making a lazy circle. He lowered his mouth to hers and kissed her.
Familiar, she thought hazily. Familiar, yet different. The combination was unexpected and arousing. Some things were the same—the taste of him, the heat—but others were different. She felt tension increasing from his simple touches. Years before, arousal and climax had always been difficult for her, but not today. Not with him.
He moved his hand lower until he cupped her between her legs. Jolts of need made her cry out. He rubbed her through her silk panties and she could tell that she was wet and ready.
With one long elegant tug, he removed her last scrap of clothing, then slipped his hands through her damp curls. As if drawn by a beacon, he instantly found her point of pleasure and introduced himself with a gentle caress.
She closed her eyes and arched her head back. It was too good, she thought, barely able to keep breathing. He touched her with a sureness that made her relax. Every brush of his fingers was more perfect than the one before. Then she felt warm, moist heat on her breasts. As his hand moved below, he licked her sensitive nipples, then began to suck on them. The combination was impossible.
“Now!” she breathed as her release swept over her. She had no control, no will. The pleasure rolled through her, making her cling to him and silently beg for it to go on forever.
Eventually, though, the tingles faded and reality returned. She opened her eyes to find Rick staring down at her intently.
“That was incredible,” he said quietly.
She had to clear her throat before she could speak. “Actually, that would be my line,” she said.
“I want you,” he murmured. “I want to be inside you. I want to bury myself so deep that you don’t have a choice but to do that again.”
His words made her tremble.
“Okay,” she managed to say, already feeling her own need flaring to life again.
He stood and peeled off his briefs, then opened a nightstand drawer and pulled out a condom. When he turned around and she saw his arousal, her need increased. She, too, wanted him inside, filling her, making her lose control for a second time.
He applied the protection, then settled between her knees. Again she had the sensation of a blending of the familiar and unfamiliar. Then he was kissing her and nothing mattered but his mouth and the probing she felt at the apex of her thighs.
She reached down a hand to guide him inside her. He was large and thick and she had to stretch to accommodate him. But what could have been uncomfortable was only spectacular.
More, she thought, pulsing toward him. More and more and more and more.
He read her mind. As they kissed and clung to each other, he began to move in and out of her. Each stroke filled her, brushing against sensitized nerves that began to quake in anticipation. Tension grew. More. She wanted more. He moved faster. She brought up her legs and wrapped them around his hips, pulling him deeper inside. A strong pulsing began in her belly, then moved outward. She couldn’t stop it or control it or do anything but feel the growing release as it swelled and blossomed.
“Yes,” he murmured, breaking the kiss and staring into her eyes. “Do it for me.”
The erotic request pushed her over the edge. Still watching him, knowing he watched her, she gave herself up to the pleasure. Wave after wave of release rumbled through her, making her hold on tight and cry out. He gritted his teeth, obviously restraining himself as long as he could. Then he gave a groan of surrender. One more strong thrust and he was still. She felt the muscles in his body tense, then release with a sigh.
* * *
When the aftershocks subsided, Rick rolled off the bed and disappeared into the bathroom to deal with the condom. Mandy watched him go, not sure if she was supposed to duck under the sheets or start dressing. He returned before she could make up her mind, and held out a hand.
Still not certain about what was expected of her, she let him pull her to her feet, then waited while he drew back the covers and motioned for her to slide in first. He settled next to her, drew her close and wrapped his arms around her.
“Like I said…incredible,” he told her as he nuzzled her hair.
Mandy wasn’t so quick to relax. She enjoyed being in his arms, and the sensual aftershocks of her multiple releases were very nice, but…
“I can’t believe we did that,” she said, before she could stop herself.
Rick smiled. “I’ll agree with you on that.”
“But you don’t seem upset.”
“Are you?”
“No. Not upset.” But definitely something, she thought, feeling contented but very confused.
He touched her face, then rested his hand on her upper arm. “I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation,” he said.
“Which is?”
He gave a shrug. “Lots of things. We have a past, we haven’t seen each other in a long time. There are old emotions and new discoveries. That sort of thing.”
“Uh-huh. This is where I inform you that I’ve met other people from my past and have managed to get through entire evenings without once thinking about making love with them.”
A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “We didn’t just think about it.”
“I got that.”
“Face it, Mandy, you’re an amazing woman. I can’t remember ever being swept away by passion like that, but it was great.”
“For me, too,” she admitted. “I just feel weird about it. We were married. We got a divorce. After eight years we fell into bed together. Doesn’t that strike you as strange?”
“A little.” He shifted and shoved a couple of pillows against the headboard, then sat up. “Okay, a lot strange. Apparently there’s still something between us.”
“How is that possible? It’s been a long time.” She sat up and sat cross-legged, facing him, with the sheet carefully pulled up to cover her breasts…not to mention the rest of her.
“Things didn’t end well,” he reminded her. “Maybe this is about working through that.”
She might not have a Ph.D. in some scientific field, but even she could figure out that the fact they’d ended their marriage badly didn’t explain having sex now.
“Try another one.”
“Don’t dismiss the idea,” he said. “We fought, we disappeared from each other’s lives. Maybe we should talk about what went wrong in our marriage.”
“Now?” Was he serious? “We’re both naked.”
“So we can flash each other as a distraction if things get uncomfortable.”
Mandy couldn’t help laughing. “You’re crazy,” she said, wondering when Rick had changed so much. When they’d been married, talking about anything remotely touchy-feely had sent him screaming out of the room. Now he was suggesting it.
“Probably,” he agreed with far too much cheer. “I’ll even start.”
He adjusted one of the pillows and frowned slightly. She waited, more than willing for him to go first.
“Okay. I was emotionally immature,” he said. “You weren’t my first lover, but you were my first girlfriend.”
She stared at him. “What? You never told me that before.”
“I was twenty-two. It wasn’t something I liked to brag about.”
“But…how is that possible?”
“Mandy, I was a total nerd. I didn’t know how to talk to girls. I hadn’t stopped growing and I was still tripping over my own feet.” He shrugged again. “Which is off the point. I wanted to play house rather than have a mature relationship. I was more into sex being available than worrying about your needs. I wanted a mistress and a housekeeper to fulfill my vague fantasies of what marriage should be like. I was young and dumb and I’m sorry.”
His ease of conversation didn’t dilute his sincerity. She hadn’t expected them to discuss their marriage at all, but if she had, she would never have thought Rick would be so willing to take responsibility for his part in things. She knew then that she couldn’t do any less.
“I was young, too. Young and foolish with a lot of unrealistic expectations.” She tucked the covers under her arms. “I used to watch my dad with all the women in his life. I don’t remember how he was with my mom before she died, but after, he treated his girlfriends like pets or toys. They were easily discarded. I always wanted to be more than that. I wanted to be…everything to the man in my life.”
Rick winced. “That was probably the one thing I didn’t want you to be.”
“I know. You had your studies, which took up so much time. I wanted you to focus on me, and I wasn’t willing to go find other interests. I didn’t make friends, I didn’t continue going to college.”
“We moved across the country,” he reminded her. “You were all alone.”
“Making excuses for me?” she asked with a smile.
“Trying to see both sides.”
“I do that, too. With that pesky wisdom of hindsight, I know now that I should have gotten a life of my own instead of expecting you to be everything to me. If I’d had my own friends and things to do, I wouldn’t have spent so much time waiting for you to come home. I wouldn’t have resented your long hours, the study groups, the dinners with your professors.”
“Then I dragged in late, wanting sex rather than conversation. I’m sorry, Mandy.”
“Me, too.” She sighed. “The harder I tried to pull you to me, the more you pushed back. I felt you slipping away and I didn’t know what to do.”
He nodded. “Instead of talking about what was wrong, I ignored it, and you. I think we both wanted the other to give in, so we could each be right.”
She tilted her head and studied him. “For a scientific nerd type, you know a lot about people.”
“I’ve learned some. I’m still learning. Light particles make a whole lot more sense to me, though.” He shifted so he was lying on his side, facing her. “I remember the first time I saw you. I took one look into those pretty green eyes and knew you were the one. What happened to that?”
His question made her sad. She hadn’t been the one…not for him. He’d let her go without a backward glance. Of course, she’d done the same with him.
“It got lost,” she said.
“Too many maybes,” he told her. “Maybe if I’d responded to your needs better. Maybe if you’d fit in to our life in Boston more. Maybe, maybe, maybe.”
“And now everything is different.”
So different, she thought. She’d finally figured out how to make her life work. If she’d stayed with Rick, would that have happened? So many things would have been different. She might never have found her way into her current teaching position. She might never have met Eva.
“What?” he asked. “I saw something in your eyes. Something I can’t explain.”
“Eva,” she said, knowing right away what he meant. “I was thinking that if you and I had stayed together, my life would be really different. I wouldn’t have met her.”
“Who is she?”
“A little girl in my class. She’s eight. She’s one of the kids with Down syndrome. She’ll never have a regular life like everyone else, but I see so much potential in her. She’s a sweet spirit slowly being crushed to death in foster care. Her parents were both kids on the street. Her mother was into drunks. We think her father was killed in a drive-by shooting. Eva’s been in and out of foster care for years. Her mother kept taking her back, then abandoning her. A few months ago, Eva was made a ward of the state.”
Mandy recited facts, but Rick could easily see past them. “What are you waiting for?” he asked. “Or have you already started the adoption procedure.”
Mandy looked surprised. “Is it that obvious?”
“It is to me.”
She sighed. “The situation is complicated. If I adopted her, I would be a single mother. Eva deserves a lot of individual attention. How much would I be able to give her, working all the time?”
“Wouldn’t your schedules be similar?”
“Most of the time. But not all of it. There are some financial issues, too. My dad has offered to help, but I hate the idea of sponging off him. It’s a big step and I’m trying to figure out if it’s one I’m prepared to take on my own.”
Earlier he’d asked if there was anyone special in her life. Now Mandy had confirmed she was alone. Rick couldn’t figure out why some guy hadn’t snapped her up years ago. She was pure fantasy material. Even though they’d just made love, knowing that she was less than two feet away, and naked, made him hard.
But it was more than sex, he told himself. He enjoyed talking to her. Being around her. Why wouldn’t she be chasing off men with a stick?
“Why have you been avoiding Mr. Right?” he asked.
“He’s been avoiding me.” Her mouth twisted. “You would be amazed how fast men can run when someone mentions the phrase ‘special-needs child.’”
“Why?” he asked, knowing the situation would create challenges, but not clear on why they would be a deal breaker. “Are you saying with Eva you wouldn’t want children of your own?”
“Of course not. I think both would be great, but so far I haven’t had a lot of offers. Most of the men I’ve met are only interested in ‘perfect’ children. Those who don’t qualify need not apply.”
She sounded bitter, and he couldn’t blame her. While adopting Eva sounded like what she wanted to do, it wouldn’t be easy, whether or not she was alone.
He tried to reconcile the thoughtful adult sitting in his bed with the volatile young woman he’d married.
“I’m impressed with all that you’ve done,” he said lightly. “Next you’ll be telling me that you’ve taken up a hobby or two yourself.”
She flipped her hair over her shoulders. “I’ll have you know that I not only crochet, I hike. I even camp on occasion.”
“You? Camp? Where do you plug in your electric curlers?”
She grabbed the free pillow and threw it at him. “I do without for those days.”
“I’m even more impressed.”
She raised her eyebrows. “I’ve been horseback riding, too. I’ve taken Eva a few times and she loves it.”
The longing was back in her eyes. He wanted to tell her to just go for it—that everything would work out fine. But time and experience had taught him that saying the words didn’t make anyone a believer. Nor did they change the situation. Mandy would have to figure out what to do on her own.
If only he’d known this much about life and people eight years ago, he thought, things might not have ended so badly.
“I’m sorry,” he said, reaching out his hand and capturing her fingers.
“For what?”
“Before. How it ended. My part in that. I know back then I made a big case about not technically doing anything wrong. I’ve learned since then. The problem wasn’t with what I did or didn’t do, it was about disconnecting from the marriage.”
Mandy squeezed Rick’s fingers, then released them. So they were going to talk about that, she thought, not sure if she wanted to.
“Maybe we shouldn’t go there,” she whispered, but it was too late.
The memories returned in vivid detail and blinding color. Of the silence in the hallway of their apartment building. Of the melting snow dampening the hem of her jeans. She had hated winter in Boston, hated the snow and the cold. She’d walked into their tiny apartment to find coats on the sofa. Not just Rick’s coat, but another one…an unfamiliar one.
Her heart had stopped. She remembered that distinctly. The sensation of a steady beating in her chest, followed by nothing. Not even a flutter.
Knowing she shouldn’t, yet unable to stop herself, she’d entered the small bedroom. The room was so tiny that the bed took up most of the floor space. Their battered dresser was in the living room by the bookcase.
Mandy told herself to breathe slowly, that the past didn’t matter. But suddenly she was there again. Staring at Rick, a younger Rick, kissing another woman. Touching her. They were both still dressed, but with their lips locked and his hand on her breast, it was pretty clear where things were going.
“Mandy?”
She tried to shake off the memories. “It was a long time ago,” she said.
“Not long enough.” He stared at her face. “Does it still bother you?”
“Not in the way that you mean. I’m not hurt or anything.”
How could she explain there were lingering shards of her shattered life stabbing her soul? The ghosts weren’t as much about him or her but about what should have been and what was.
Suddenly she was very aware of being naked. She hated to get out from under the protection of the covers, but there didn’t seem to be any other way to reach her clothes. She sucked in a breath and stood, then circled around the bed, picking up panties and her bra as she went.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“It’s getting late.”
“I thought you didn’t have other plans for the day.”
“I don’t. It’s just…” She pulled her dress up over her hips. “I really need to get going.”
Rick watched her without speaking. His serious gaze spoke volumes for him, though. She zipped up her dress and searched for her shoes before remembering she’d left them downstairs. She faced him and crossed her arms over her chest.
“What?” she asked.
“Why does it have to end like this?”
“Like what?”
He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.”
But it did. She couldn’t explain her compulsion to leave. After all that had happened, she felt unsettled. Time and distance would ease that.
“You haven’t changed as much as I thought,” he said flatly, not bothering to get up and get dressed. “After all these years, you still run when things get tough.”
His words cut through her…probably because she didn’t have a good defense.
“You call this tough?” she asked, motioning to the bed. “In my mind, it was too easy. I don’t have a clue as to what happened today. One minute I was minding my own business, the next Jo suggested I contact you for lunch. Somehow we ended up in bed. Doesn’t any part of that strike you as strange?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Well, it does for me. We shouldn’t have done this. The sex…” What about the sex? It had been great, but what had she been thinking? Or not thinking? She and Rick were strangers.
“I have to go,” she repeated, and headed out the door.
As she ran down the steps she half expected him to come after her. He didn’t. Rick claimed she hadn’t changed as much as he had thought. She could say the same about him. She might be the one who was running, but he’d always found it far too convenient to let her go.