Chapter Five
M andy was still shaking when she arrived back at Cassie’s beach house. It had taken her five tries to get from Rick’s house to the highway; she’d been so upset, she’d turned north instead of south. What should have been about a thirty-minute trip had taken her nearly an hour.
But she was safe now, she told herself as she paced the length of the living room. Safe and everything would be fine. Eventually. She just had to figure out what had happened back there and how to put it in perspective. Oh, and she also had to find a place to put her growing anger.
The anger surprised her. After the past five or six hours she would have expected to be dealing with a lot of emotions, but why was she mad? Or was the anger simply a cover for some other feeling?
She didn’t want to think about that, so she continued to pace and mutter and try to distract herself. Only her brain kept flashing back to her time with Rick. She could recall dozens of things he’d said—how he’d smiled, the changes in his body and the way they’d been together in bed.
“Not that!” she said aloud. “It was a mistake. All of it. What should have been a charming, easy encounter with my ex turned into something…”
What? Horrible? Not exactly. Scary? Maybe. Confusing? Yes. Definitely confusing.
The phone rang. Mandy spun to face the plain beige instrument sitting on the counter dividing the kitchen from the living area. Her first instinct was to run. She didn’t want to hear whatever Rick had to say. Then she reminded herself that not only did he not have her phone number, he’d never been very good on damage control or follow-up. He preferred to disappear until things blew over.
“Hello?” she said into the receiver.
“Hey, how’s sunny Southern California?”
Mandy sagged against the counter. Relief filled her. Cassie. Just the person she needed to talk to.
“It’s beautiful here,” she said, pulling out a stool and settling on it. “August is always wonderful weather.”
“I can’t wait until I get to experience it myself.”
“How’s the transition?” Mandy asked.
Cassie worked in a hospital in Arizona. She’d recently given notice, causing her boss to panic and swear she couldn’t survive without Cassie there.
“Slow. Really slow. I think they’re hoping to entice me into staying here, but that’s not going to happen.”
Mandy nodded sympathetically. “How are you doing?”
It was more than a casual question. It hadn’t been all that long since Cassie had walked in on her fiancé and roommate doing the wild thing. What was it about men and other women?
“Okay. Some days are easier than others. I’m working hard, which helps me forget. Maybe it will all crash in on me when I’m at the beach and don’t have as many distractions.”
“Maybe you’ll find out that you didn’t care about him as much as you thought.”
“I can only hope.” Cassie sighed. “Okay, enough about my pathetic life. What’s going on there?”
Mandy didn’t know what to say. How to explain the past few hours of her life.
“Oh, Mandy, it’s not Eva, is it? Has something happened?”
“No. She’s fine. At least she was a couple of days ago. I talked with Daisy, her foster mother, and she’s enjoying the summer.”
“Then what?”
“I’m stupid.”
“That’s not how I think of you, but okay.”
Despite everything, Mandy smiled. “You weren’t supposed to agree.”
“But how could I help myself?” She chuckled. “Never mind. Why do you think you’re stupid?”
“I had lunch with Rick.”
The pause on Cassie’s end was oddly satisfying, Mandy thought.
“Rick?” Cassie said, sounding stunned. “Your ex-husband Rick?”
“Uh-huh. He lives in Santa Barbara now, and when Jo found out I was coming up here, she suggested we get together.”
“How was it?”
Mandy found herself blinking away unexpected tears. “I don’t know. At first it was great, but then everything sort of fell apart. I don’t know what Jo was thinking. It’s been eight years. Why would she want us to see each other? I guess she thought we had unfinished business or something, but as far as I’m concerned, it should have stayed unfinished.”
No way was she going to mention that they’d made love.
“You sound angry,” Cassie said.
“I am, which is crazy. I don’t exactly know why, but I have a strong desire to start throwing things.”
“Feel free to toss the couch. For the past three years I’ve been telling my folks we need to replace it.”
Despite everything, Mandy smiled. “I’m not sure I could. It looks big.”
“Suit yourself.” Cassie cleared her throat. “Here’s the thing. And you’re not going to like it.”
“I already don’t.”
Cassie laughed. “Listen first, complain later. Okay?”
“Sure.”
“There’s too much energy there, Mandy. Whatever happened between you and Rick should have been over a long time ago. The fact that he can push your buttons means that you’re still connected in some way. Jo was right. You did need to see Rick so you could figure that out.”
“I don’t want to be connected to him,” she said, even as she had a bad feeling Cassie might be right. Why else would she, Mandy, have jumped into bed so quickly and easily? Why else would she now be so upset?
“I’m not sure you get a choice in the matter. But now that you know what the problem is, you can start to fix it.”
Mandy didn’t like the sound of that. Could she really have been stuck on her ex for all these years? “I’ll have to think about it.”
“Fine by me.”
Mandy shifted the receiver to the other ear. “You forgot to say that he was a complete jerk and was never grateful enough that he was lucky enough to have been married to me.”
Cassie laughed again. “That, too.”
They talked for a few more minutes. When Mandy hung up, she felt marginally better…and marginally worse.
Connected to Rick? Was it possible? Surely time would have severed all the ties they had.
Yesterday Mandy would have staked her life on that fact, but now she wasn’t so sure. Still restless, she walked into the kitchen and started cleaning already clean counters. She needed physical activity to release her pent-up energy. Maybe she should take a long walk on the beach. That would be a whole lot more fun than cleaning.
She put down her sponge, rinsed her hands, then headed upstairs to the bedroom she was using for her visit. The master suite had its own bath, while the other two bedrooms shared a Jack-and-Jill-style bathroom.
Mandy slipped out of her dress and pulled on shorts and a T-shirt. It took her a couple of minutes to brush her hair and secure it in a ponytail. After reapplying sunscreen, she grabbed a hat, a pair of flat sandals and hurried back down the stairs.
As her feet hit the main level, she heard a voice in the back of her head.
You haven’t changed at all. You still run when things get tough.
Rick’s words echoed, making her come to a stop.
She didn’t, she wanted to protest. There were times to stay and fight and times for a sensible retreat. That’s what had happened this afternoon. A sensible retreat. Nothing more. But of course he wouldn’t see it that way. He would see it the way he wanted—so that he looked good and she was the bad guy. In fact—
A knock on the front door made her freeze in place. No one she knew should be showing up here. Her father had left for a few weeks in the south of France. Several of her teacher friends were traveling with their families. The others were busy with summer jobs or—
Mandy slapped the hat against her bare thigh. Why was she hesitating? There was only one person who would come calling here. As her car was parked right in front of the house, it was unlikely that he was going away anytime soon.
She sucked in a breath, then walked to the door and pulled it open.
Rick stood there. Like her, he’d changed into shorts and a T-shirt. He was tall, tanned and not smiling. Nor could she see his eyes. Dark glasses hid them from view.
Her heart fluttered, her stomach started that pesky roller-coaster movement again and a blush flared on her cheeks.
“How did you find me?” she asked.
He removed his sunglasses, allowing her to see emotions flickering through his blue eyes. Not that she could read any of them.
“I know Cassie’s last name. With that information and a general idea of where the house was located, it wasn’t difficult.”
She nodded. Rick had always been a whiz on a computer.
She stepped back to allow him in, then closed the door and followed him into the living room. He glanced around. When he motioned to the sofa, she nodded again, taking a seat across from him in an old club chair.
To her mind, Cassie’s summer home had always been a wonderful place to visit. A block from the ocean, the sunny patio with the BBQ and comfortable furniture had made this pretty darned close to paradise. Right up until she’d seen Rick’s place. By comparison, the beach house was barely an upgraded double-wide.
Perspective, she thought, trying to find the humor in the situation. Life was all about perspective.
“I’m sorry about what happened,” Rick said, setting his sunglasses on the worn coffee table between them and resting his forearms on his thighs. “Seeing each other after all these years was enough of a shock without throwing anything else into the mix. I guess the chemistry got the better of us.” He gave her a slight smile. “I was never a fan of chemistry.”
“It certainly seems to have gotten us into trouble,” she said with a shrug. While she appreciated his apology, she wasn’t exactly sure what he meant by it. Was he sorry they’d made love? Or for what happened afterward? Not that she was feeling brave enough to ask at the moment.
“I’m sorry, too,” she said, and made a vague gesture.
He nodded. “I started thinking after you left. About why my mom suggested we get together. You know she doesn’t do anything without a reason. In this case she was right, we do have unfinished business between us.”
His words were a little too close to what she and Cassie had talked about for comfort. She shifted in her seat. “Is that a surprise? I would think most divorced couples have left a few untrimmed threads. Does that have to be significant?”
He raised his eyebrows. “Mandy, two hours ago we were making love. I’m going to guess that makes our untrimmed threads damned significant.”
Well, if he was going to put it like that. “Okay. Maybe.” She rubbed her temples. Trouble was coming; she could feel it all the way down to her bones.
“I think we need to straighten this out so we can both move on with our lives,” he said.
She glared at him. “I’ve sort of figured that out for myself.”
With a little help from Cassie. Not that she wanted to. Let the threads dangle—that was her motto. Except there was every possibility that Rick was the reason she hadn’t once fallen in love in the past eight years.
“I thought you might,” he said. “So what do we do now?”
She sighed. Lord but she hated being mature. “I don’t know. Spend time together, I guess. Talk about stuff.” She narrowed her gaze. “Stay out of bed.”
A flicker of fire flared to life in his eyes. “You sure about that one?”
“Absolutely.”
She was lying, but he didn’t have to know that.
“I’ll agree to your terms,” he said. “But only on one condition.”
“Which is?”
“You won’t tell my mom she was right.”
Mandy stared at him, then burst out laughing. He had a point. Jo would hold it over them for months.
“I won’t say a word,” she promised. “I don’t want to hear about it any more than you do.” She leaned forward a little. “This is a real mess. How did we get here?”
“I don’t know. You’re the woman. Aren’t you supposed to be the relationship expert?”
He was being funny, but she didn’t smile. “I’m hardly an expert. If I was…a lot of things would have been different.”
“Like what?”
Like a thousand things, she thought sadly. “I would have talked to you more. Told you what I was feeling. I wouldn’t have—” Gee, they were going to jump right into this, weren’t they? “I wouldn’t have used sex as a weapon.”
He winced. “We’re both guilty of using sex to get what we wanted,” he said. “I used it to tell you I cared about you, because saying the words made me feel weak, as if I was giving you the upper hand.”
She hadn’t known that, but the information didn’t surprise her. “I used sex to keep you in line and get what I wanted. When I didn’t, I withheld. Not my finest hour.” She rested her elbows on her knees and her chin on her hands. “I wanted to feel that you were close to me emotionally, but all I could get was the physical.”
“I don’t know that I was capable of more. Not then.”
And now? But she didn’t ask that. Besides, she already knew the answer.
“More if onlys,” she said. “If only we’d been more grown-up. If only we’d talked. If only I hadn’t run back to my dad’s that last time and—”
She pressed her lips together to hold back the words. Not that there was any point. Rick already knew what had happened.
Embarrassment swept over her. She straightened and fought the urge to change the subject. Except they needed to talk about this—about the fact that Rick had fooled around with some woman but hadn’t gone all the way, while she’d slept with a stranger.
“Mandy, we don’t have to go there.”
“Why? It was significant.”
“Sure, but the marriage was already pretty much over.”
Amazing. After all this time, he was trying to spare her feelings. She didn’t know what that meant. Especially when she’d been the one to cheat.
“I was so angry,” she said, almost unable to stop herself from telling the truth, maybe for the first time ever. “After I saw you with that grad student, I was furious. I went to the airport and got on the first plane back to L.A. By the time I got to my dad’s it was nine or ten at night. I don’t remember. There was a party.” She swallowed. “Back then there was always a party.”
She could remember walking into his spacious Beverly Hills mansion. People spilled out of every room. Most of them were drunk, or on their way to being so. By then Mandy had calmed down enough to feel pain, as well as rage. It was as if someone had played handball with her heart. She hated Rick and longed for him in equal measures.
Her father had listened, held her and told her it would be okay. But then he’d been called away and someone had pressed a drink in her hand.
“I hadn’t eaten,” she said. “I’d spent the whole plane trip crying. The liquor hit me.” She shrugged. “That’s a pretty pitiful excuse.”
She’d been sitting alone in a corner when some up-and-coming young male star had found her. They’d talked for a while. She couldn’t remember about what. She could barely remember his name or what he’d looked like.
“He offered and I said yes. Because I wanted to hurt you.” She squeezed her eyes shut. “It was horrible. I’d never done anything like that before. Had sex with a stranger. It’s not the fun and happy good time it’s cracked up to be. You walked in on us the next morning.”
Rick’s expression turned haunted. Mandy ached for both of them. She could still remember the sun piercing her eyes as she wrestled with a hangover the size of Montana. She’d barely made it to the bathroom before throwing up. When she’d staggered back to her bed, she’d been stunned to find a guy in it.
All the memories of the previous night had crashed in on her. Then, before she could make sense of them, Rick had walked into her room. It had been the only time he hadn’t let her go.
No matter how long she lived, she would never forget the look on his face.
“I never said I was sorry,” she whispered. “I was, from the very first, and I still am. It was selfish and stupid and incredibly immature.”
He shrugged. “I knew why you’d done it. I’d caused you pain for so long.”
His excusing her behavior stunned her. “So it didn’t matter?”
His eyes darkened. “It mattered.”
“Oh, Rick. What a mess.”
He nodded. “I couldn’t be what you wanted, what you needed.”
“I had the same problem,” she admitted. “You wanted the perfect social hostess, housekeeper and mistress. I was twenty and didn’t know anything about being married.”
He straightened. “You know, I’ve yet to find that perfect combination. I wonder why that is.”
“It doesn’t exist.” She sucked in a breath. Some of the pain inside her eased a little. “Maybe you should try inventing a robot.”
“That was my first plan. Instead I’ve been trying to change my requirements to something more realistic. I think I would be happier with an imperfect flesh-and-blood partner rather than a perfect machine. Besides, I’m hardly Mr. Wonderful.”
“You have your moments,” she said, even though her chest felt as if a thousand pounds were pressing in on it.
What was wrong with her? She should be happy that Rick had reached the place in his life where he was ready to be in a serious relationship. Didn’t she want him to get married again?
She told herself she did, that she wasn’t envious of the woman who would be lucky enough to claim him. She, Mandy, had already had her shot and she’d blown it. Besides, it wasn’t as if she had feelings for him. Not after all this time.
She cleared her throat. “So what are your current requirements?”
“The usual. A wife. Kids. Maybe a couple of dogs. My work can be difficult. It’s generally challenging. I want to have something more to come home to than an empty house. More balance.”
“We’ve been using the ‘b’ word a lot today,” she told him.
“You’re right. Has it just been today?” He shook his head. “Feels like a lot longer to me.”
To her, too, but it had just been the one day.
“How long until Cassie joins you?” he asked.
“A couple of weeks.”
“Until then are you open to spending time together? I’ll need to head into the office for a day or so to get things in order. Then I’ll take some time off. Maybe we can learn to be friends.”
The pressure on her chest eased a little. “I’d like that.” She managed a smile. Friends. That was what they should be, she told herself, even as she had a fleeting thought that there was a lot of potential for more.
“We’ll work on the past,” she said as he rose to his feet. “Figure out this closure thing and get on with our lives.”
“Exactly.”
She stood and he smiled at her. “How about if I come by day after tomorrow,” he said. “About ten in the morning?”
“Sounds good.”
Better than good, she thought as he waved and left. Then she stopped herself in mid mental-sentence. No way. She and Rick had a very specific purpose. Apparently they hadn’t finished up with each other as much as they should have. If she could tie up all the loose ends with him, she could move on with her life. That’s what she wanted. Not a slow walk down memory lane. Been there, done that. It hadn’t worked the first time and there was no reason to think it would work this time.
Right?
Oddly enough, there was no answer.