16. Raven
Right now, I feel as if my life is like that octopus ride I used to enjoy as a kid at the fair.
Between my sisters getting married this week, I feel like I’m in constant motion.
Up, down, spin around with all my might.
There’s a flow of synergy throughout my family, and I’ve never felt happier or more uncertain, especially when it comes to Finn.
My stomach flips and rolls with each move Finn makes in anticipation and dread for what’s to come. I know our arranged time together is coming to an end. There’s only a few more weeks until the festival, and then we’ll likely go our separate ways.
But why does that make me feel like my insides are being ripped out with a rusty steak knife? I don’t do serious relationships. I don’t let guys as sexy, charming, and funny as Finn get close. I’ve purposely orchestrated my life so this never happens. It’s why I keep things casual.
My mind replays my time with Finn at Lanie’s wedding. We danced, we laughed, and we even shared the most amazing goodnight kiss imaginable, but when he turned, I let him walk away.
I’m not used to wanting more with a man.
Maybe that’s why I’m up at the ass-crack of dawn, contemplating my life choices. I’ve never felt so frustrated and alone. I know my sisters and Dad are inside the house if I need them, but they’re not who I want.
No, that would be the tall, tatted rockstar who’s stolen my freaking heart.
I should grab my gear and go surfing. Maybe I can clear my head and figure out what I’m going to do about Finn.
Running upstairs, I quickly change into my swimsuit and head out to the garage to grab my wet suit, booties, and surfboard.
Just as I’m about to leave, Lizzy comes down and says, “Wait up. I’ll go with you. ”
While I wait for my sister, I pack a few protein bars and a couple of bottles of our favorite sports drink for when we’re finished. Not knowing how long we’ll be gone, I also toss in a few bananas and some grapes into my sinch bag.
Our walk along the coast is quiet as we take in the morning air.
I’m crap for company since I’m entirely in my head, but thankfully, she doesn’t call me out on it.
By the time Lizzy and I reach the cove, I’m crawling out of my skin with pent-up energy.
I can’t wait to get on the water. There are several others already out on dawn patrol with us, hoping to catch these early morning waves.
After I stash my bag of treats in the rocks where the tide won’t reach it, Lizzy and I make quick time of putting on our booties, pulling up our hoods, and running into the water with our boards.
Lizzy catches the first wave, and I watch her ride it until she glides closer to shore.
As soon as I spot the right one for myself, I paddle with all my might and drop in perfectly.
The moment I pop up on my board, all is right with the world again.
It’s nothing but me, my board, and this wave.
Wash, rinse, and repeat. This is the perfect way to start my morning.
When my body is worn out, and I’m done with surfing for the day, I return to the rocks where I left our snacks.
I’m ravenous and can’t wait to give my body the nourishment it desperately needs.
Plopping on the rounded rock, I grab a protein bar and lean against the rock behind me for support.
Closing my eyes as I chew, I bask in the sun and listen to the ocean roar.
Now that I’m not exerting energy, I’m feeling the effects of the fifty-five-degree water.
Thankfully, we’re on a bit of a heat wave, and the air is much warmer than the water as I wait for Lizzy, or I’d freeze.
“So, are you gonna tell me what’s crawled up your butt? Or are we just gonna ignore it?” Lizzy asks, effectively breaking me out of my peaceful tranquility.
“What do you mean?” I ask, sitting forward. Now that she’s placed her board next to mine, her hands punch into her hips and clearly, she’s irritated about something.
“Well, you’ve barely said two sentences to me all day. You’re hitting those waves harder than I’ve seen you try in years. You’ve taken some serious wipeouts today, and if I didn’t know you better, I’d say you were almost punishing yourself or something. What gives, Raven?”
“First, I’m not punishing myself.”
“You weren’t takin’ it easy,” she counters.
“We can go all day with you denying something’s bothering you.
If that’s how you wanna play it, then fine.
Orr…” she draws out. “You could just tell me what’s going on.
I know you’re working through something.
This is what you do. I get it. You’re strong and independent.
But being strong doesn’t mean you have to go through whatever this is alone. ”
When I remain quiet for longer than she thinks I should, she huffs loudly, plops herself beside me on the rocks, and reaches for the drink I brought for her.
Unscrewing the top, she takes several large gulps, then returns the lid before setting it beside her.
Wordlessly, she reaches for a protein bar.
Maybe if I talk about my issues, she’ll help me come up with something. Hell, I’ve spent nearly a week in my own head, and I’ve gotten no closer to finding an answer to what’s plaguing me than before.
“Okay…” I exhale heavily. “But what we talk about needs to stay between us.”
“Of course. But before you begin, can I ask, does this have anything to do with Finn?”
Blinking at her, I’m momentarily at a loss for words.
How the hell does she know?
When she keeps staring, I find my voice. “Why would you say that?”
“Oh, I don’t know… you were caught coming out of his room by that idiot photographer.
You’ve spent the last few weeks with him, and every time you think no one’s looking, you’re watching his every move.
And don’t even get me started on that performance at the bonfire.
The two of you clearly have a connection. ”
“What? I have not,” I protest, but damn, Lizzy’s perceptive. Sometimes I forget that she may be younger than me, but she’s clearly not so little anymore.
“You have. But that’s not what’s bothering you… so out with it.”
“Ha… since when did you get all grown and knowledgeable?”
“Raven, I’ve been studying you my entire life. It’s what little sisters do. Stop getting distracted and making me repeat myself. Does this have anything to do with Finn?”
In our family, we don’t lie to one another. We might not tell each other every sordid detail, but when asked a point-blank question, we learned early on it’s better to just speak the truth, deal with the problem, and then move on.
Shit. How do I even start?
“Yes… it has everything to do with Finn,” I admit.
“Is he a closet jack hole or something? Do I need to kick his ass?”
That thought is almost comical.
“Ha… not even kinda. That’s the problem. He’s smart, funny, patient, and kind. He freaking gets me better than anyone outside our family. He makes me want for things I never imagined for myself.”
“So… You like him…” she says, clearly amused. I can tell it’s taking everything in her not to smile.
“Of course, I do!” I practically shout. “But I’m not supposed to. We agreed there was an expiration date. We had rules. We freaking started as a one-night stand. It was supposed to stay casual and fun, not turn into this !”
“Define the this , you’re clearly unhappy with.”
“I was supposed to act like his girlfriend… not freaking catch feelings for Finn!” I practically shout exasperatedly.
Narrowing her eyes, she purses her lips. “Act like his girlfriend?”
“Yes, act. It was the easiest way to clear his and Sloane’s names, and it got Mable off my back. It was a win-win and fail proof. I thought I could have a little fun this summer, and then we’d go merrily on our way… separately of course.”
“And now you don’t want that?”
“God, don’t you see? That’s the crux of this entire problem.” I stand and pace in front of her.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean this was supposed to be casual. Not only did I freaking catch feelings, but he has the audacity to want more.”
“So…” she draws out slowly as if she’s choosing her next words carefully.
Good… because I’m losing my shit, and she should be careful.
“You don’t want more?”
To make my point, I spit out each word as its own sentence. “Liz. I. Don’t. Do. Relationships.”
“You might not have in the past, but what’s wrong with being with Finn now?”
Gah, she has the gall to be rational.
“Well, for starters… he’s not only one of Jax’s best friends, but he’s in Ruby Frax and will forever be connected to our family. What happens when things go wrong?”
“But what if they go right?” she quickly counters, clearly channeling Nana as that was one of her favorite sayings.
“I could fuck up everything for our entire family if things go sideways. That’s just too much risk.”
“Look, it’s getting late, and I need to get ready for work. So please think about this… you don’t have to decide anything right now. Take that pressure off yourself. It’s not helping, and you’ll know the answer to my next question when you’re ready.”
“Okay… this has gotta be good,” I mutter to myself.
But she ignores my jab. “I do want you to seriously think about this. One day, Finn will move on. He’ll find someone who loves him like he deserves. You said it yourself. He’ll forever be connected to our family. My question for you is… how are you gonna feel if it isn’t you?”