17. Finn
My eyes keep drifting to Raven throughout the entire ceremony.
She’s taken my breath away since making her appearance today for pictures.
She’s wearing a cornflower-blue dress, or so she called, that accentuates her every curve and falls just below her knees.
It’s like her sisters, as they’re all the same shade, but each bridesmaid has it styled uniquely.
Raven tried to explain that these dresses were versatile, as they could be styled in over one hundred different ways, but I’ll have to take her word for it.
I could truly care less. All that matters to me is how radiant she is as she peeks at me while Jax and Sloane say their vows.
While words are spoken about loving one another completely, her eyes shimmer with unshed tears, and her smile grows.
When her eyes meet mine, her cheeks turn the most beautiful shade of pink, then she blinks rapidly and looks away.
Sometimes her expression turns serious, and I’d give just about anything to know what’s going on in that brilliant brain of hers.
Has she given what I said any more thought? Is she considering more with me? Or have I lost my chance by keeping her at bay?
My heart aches at just the thought. Instinctually, I know I’m doing the right thing, but it’s harder than I imagined waiting for a response.
I’ve been on pins and needles since laying my feelings out there.
Patience is a virtue that’s running thin and if she doesn’t make up her mind soon, I may have to switch up my antics.
Suddenly, the crowd erupts in cheers, and I frantically look around to see what’s happening. Jax and Sloane are just pulling back from their kiss, and the music starts as they walk down the makeshift aisle in the sand.
How did I miss the entire ceremony?
Looking to Raven, I hold out an elbow for her to use as I escort her down the aisle behind the bride and groom. Feeling her squeeze my arm in excitement has me picking up my pace, eager to spend more time with her. The way her fingers graze my skin makes my body hum in anticipation.
Sloane and Jax opted to forgo a formal reception.
Instead, they have hired a caterer and plan to have a barbeque at their family’s home after the ceremony.
They assured Mable, when she asked, that they would still uphold all the traditions but on a smaller scale.
I, for one, can’t wait to get Raven on the dance floor, so I have a reason to keep her in my arms. If I had my way, I wouldn’t let her go all night.
Once we’ve walked down the aisle, I’m forced to release Raven as she rushes to Sloane and hugs her fiercely. “I’m so happy for you, Sloaney.” Then she hugs Jax just as tight. “I love you, too, Jax. Let me be the first to officially welcome you to the family.”
Before either can say more, the bride and groom are rushed with an onslaught of people, all giving their best wishes. As I awkwardly stand and watch, Raven steps up beside me and reaches for my hand. Her other hand snakes around my arm, and she squeezes me tight. “God, I’m so happy for them.”
“So am I,” I agree. “This moment is magical.”
While we wait for the after party, or so they’re calling it, Raven and I mingle with the rest of the wedding party and her family.
Before we know it, the bride and groom have returned and food is served as music plays quietly in the background.
They’ve hired a deejay to mix music and play the part of emcee, as Jax was insistent Ruby Frax should enjoy the night with their family and loved ones, not perform for everyone.
From one event to the next, my focus remains on Raven. I barely remember the words to the speech I’ve given once she steps up to give hers.
Taking the mic firmly in her hands, Raven slays it with her speech.
“Jax, I’ve had the honor of living with Sloane since being roommates in the womb.
She’s more than my sister; she’s my best friend.
When she met you, I knew you were the one for her.
Heck, I knew it before either of you could pull your heads out of your asses and realize it for yourselves.
I know your love is special and pure. I’m expecting you both to love, honor, and cherish each other until forever.
I wish you the best and will love you both until the end of time.
Congratulations! Please lift your glasses to the bride and groom! ”
After our speeches, Sloane and her father dance, and then they ask the wedding party to join them on the deck. Wrapping Raven in my arms, we glide across the floor. When I’m here with her like this, I’ve never felt so right.
We continue dancing for a few more songs, until Raven sighs heavily and asks, “Would you mind taking a walk with me? I could really use a break.”
Without another word, we slip out of the crowd and quickly make our way to the promenade. Raven’s quiet as we walk and the sounds of the party behind us slowly disappear. Once the sound of the ocean is all we hear, Raven pulls us to a bench where we can sit and watch the waves crash onto shore.
“Everything okay?” I ask when I can’t take the silence any longer. Obviously, she’s got something on her mind, and she might as well tell me so we can handle this burden together.
“Yes and no.” She shrugs.
A panicky feeling shoots through my body, and I’m immediately on edge when she doesn’t say more.
“Care to share?”
Sighing heavily, she leans into me as she intertwines our fingers and squeezes my palm. “I’m so happy for my sister. I truly adore Jax and wish them all the happiness in the world.”
“That sounds like a good thing,” I point out as I wait for the other shoe to drop.
My heartbeat pounds in my ears in such strong competition of the roaring ocean in front of us. I barely hear her say, “It’s a very good thing.”
“Then what’s wrong?” I ask hesitantly.
“I never was the type who wanted the kind of love they have for each other.”
This isn’t where I thought our conversation would go. “What do you mean?” I ask cautiously.
“I’ve never had any intention of getting serious with anyone.” She’s said that before. So where is she going with this?
“But…” I draw out, then quickly ask the question I need answered, “why are you telling me this now?”
“You,” she says, as if it explains everything so simply—though as far as I’m concerned, it’s about as clear as mud.
“Me… what do I have to do with anything?”
“Everything.” Again, the answer is simple in her mind and vague as fuck in mine.
“Before you, I was adamant that I don’t do relationships, ” she emphasizes, and of course, my curiosity is piqued.
My heart thuds in my chest as I finally see where this conversation is going. “Is there a particular reason?”
“I kept people at a distance, so I wouldn’t get hurt,” she admits.
I can’t imagine anyone not liking this beautiful woman. “How would they hurt you?”
“It’s simple.” She shrugs as she rubs her fingers up and down my arm. “They left.”
“Who do you mean?” I know she lost her grandmother recently, but everyone else is still very much in her life.
“Since meeting you, I’ve done a lot of thinking. It hit me yesterday after Lizzy knocked some sense into me that I’m keeping you at bay because I’m afraid of losing you, too.”
“You just barely got me. Do you think I’d be a fool to let you go so soon?” I counter, trying to get her to see that I have no intentions of going anywhere.
Then I process her words again. Losing you, too.
Hesitantly, I ask, “Just who else have you lost in your life?”
Shrugging, she whispers sadly, “Everyone.”
“Okay, I’m completely lost. Please explain because I’m so confused.”
“How do I put this so you’ll understand? Hmmmm…. I guess what it boils down to is everyone I’ve come to love leaves me in one way or another.”
Clearly, she’s mistaken. This makes no sense.
Her heavy sigh has the muscles in my chest pulling tight and my shoulders tense. “Explain more, please.”
“Okay, I swear. I’m not a drama queen having a pity party.
But the reality is, every single person that I’ve grown to love has just up and left at one point in my life.
It started with my dad. Being divorced from my mom early on was an adjustment for all of us.
Then with him being in the military, he was often gone away on missions, making us miss our scheduled visitations with him for months on end.
Even though Mom and Dad worked hard to keep us in one school district most of our lives, I had to make new friends often.
With their parents being in the military, they only stayed for six months to maybe two years, if I was lucky, before their family was stationed somewhere else.
My friend group had a constant revolving door.
I learned from an early age, not to count on anyone but my sisters, and I truly believed I didn’t need anyone else if I had them. ”
My heart feels as if it’s getting squeezed out of my chest as I patiently wait for her to finish this story. When tears form in her eyes, the organ beating behind my ribs may as well be ripped to shreds.
Wiping her eyes, she takes a steadying breath before continuing, “Then Lanie went off to college, Sloane and I graduated high school, and even Mom left to become a traveling nurse.” This causes a tear to spill over and leak down Raven’s beautiful face, and I finally think I see where this is going.
I start to say so, but she just squeezes my hand and practically begs, “Please let me finish. I’ve never told anyone my reasons to remain independent and most importantly, single.”
Wiping at a tear from her eye, I feel her body relax, and she traces the ink of my tattoos.
“You see… from the time we were born, it was Sloane and me against the world. Don’t get me wrong, I’m close with Lanie and couldn’t imagine my life without Liz, but Sloane was my everything.
In fact, up until last year, we did everything together.
School, summer camp, our first jobs, even college. You name it—we were inseparable.”
“And then she went on tour with Jax,” I break in, finally putting the pieces together. Oh my fucking God, this woman has literally had everyone she cares about walk away one way or another. No wonder she keeps everyone at bay.
Without knowing my epiphany, she insists, “I would never begrudge Sloane for having a life of her own. I’m truly happy for her, but yes, it hurt like hell watching her go.
But I would do it again in a heartbeat to see a smile like she’s wearing today for just five minutes.
She’s so happy with Jax… and I feel like a petty bitch for missing her as much as I do.
When she went away, it was like a part of me went missing, too. ”
Fuck, she’s so strong and brave. And to think she’s kept this to herself all these years. I hope like hell that by her telling me this, she’s considering letting me in to that fortress she resides in. If I get that honor, I will do my damnedest to be the man she deserves.
“You said this had something to do with me?” I ask hesitantly. “If you haven’t figured it out, I’m not going anywhere—no matter how much you try pushing me away,” I pointedly remind her.
“This has everything to do with you, Finn, because I blame you for making me feel. You big jerk, you’ve made me want more, and I can’t force myself to walk away before you have the chance to hurt me.”
Wrapping my arms around her, I pull her close. “Raven, I have no intention of walking away. I’m a fucking fool in love and can’t imagine my life without you. If I have to prove to you that I’m not going anywhere, I will.”
This has Raven’s eyes snapping toward me in a nanosecond.
“You love me? As in you really love me? But we just met. How can that be?”
“For the love of all that’s holy,” I mutter under my breath.
“Why on earth can’t you believe that I’ve fallen for you?
I wake up thinking of you and dream about you every night when I’m asleep.
You consume all my freaking thoughts. So much so, I even wrote a freaking song—about you—and had to lie to the guys so I wouldn’t give my feelings about you away.
Because I’m a freaking man of my word, and I was the idiot who promised to keep things between us. ”
“Well, fuck that shit.” I shake my head, annoyed with that hard truth. “I’m not keeping my feelings about you to myself any longer. I love you, Raven, and I want everyone to know about it. If you don’t like that side of me, well, sweetness, you’re gonna need to get used to it!”
“It may have taken me forever and a day to realize it… but fucking hell… I love you, too, Finn McGowen. You made me break every rule I’ve ever had. So, what are we gonna do about it now?”
I don’t even think.
My lips are on hers the moment I process her words. She tastes of everything I’ve been missing in my life. She feels better than that first drop of rain after an immeasurable drought. The way her sexy moans escape, I need to take her home and show her just how much she means to me.