The Summer Swap

Chapter 17

Kristen

Kristen arrived at the restaurant five minutes late. Theo was coming straight from the hospital and although he’d assured her he’d be on time, she knew him well enough that she chose not to arrive early.

She’d hoped he might take the whole day off as it was their anniversary, but having taken an extended leave of absence he understandably felt he needed to pull his weight in the department.

Theo had missed many anniversaries in their years together, and she was determined that this one was going to be perfect. It seemed symbolic somehow, that it came after what she thought of in her mind as a “rough patch.” He wouldn’t see it that way, of course, because he didn’t know how she’d been feeling, but that didn’t matter, because things were improving between them.

Losing Michael had made Theo more vulnerable, more open to talking to her about his feelings. She was sure that from there it was a very short step to talking about her feelings.

Even his work-life balance had improved. Since returning to work, he’d been restricting his hours and he’d been home when he’d promised to be home every night.

She smoothed her hair and stepped into the restaurant. It had become the most talked about place in Boston, and the chef had won multiple awards. It was the perfect place for a celebration.

In order to secure a table, she’d done something she rarely did, which was to use her maiden name when she booked.

“Ms. Lapthorne?”

She was greeted with warmth and shown immediately to a table. The atmosphere was muted and sophisticated. Candles flickered and silver gleamed. It was perfect in every way but one—

Her husband hadn’t yet arrived.

She was not going to stress. Traffic was probably heavy. When he walked through that door she was not going to say anything that might spoil the evening ahead, or risk threatening the new closeness that had emerged since the tragedy with Michael.

“You’re the first to arrive,” the woman said as she settled Kristen at the table, facing the view. “Can I fetch you a drink while you wait for your guest?”

She ordered a bottle of champagne, sure that by the time it arrived, Theo would have arrived, too.

She checked her phone, but there were no messages.

Five minutes, she promised herself. She’d give him five minutes, and then she’d call.

In the end she gave him ten, and by then the champagne had arrived.

“Shall I open it?” The sommelier hovered and she shook her head.

“I’ll wait, thank you.”

Ten minutes turned into fifteen and by twenty she was starting to worry.

After thirty minutes she called him, but his phone went to voice mail.

Maybe he was in a cab and taking another call. A colleague asking for advice, perhaps.

She gave it another five minutes and then called again, and this time she left a message.

“Theo, it’s me. Where are you? I’m worried.”

What if he’d had an accident? It was impossible not to consider that option, given what had happened to Michael. Michael had been driving his car, going about his business, not imagining for a moment that it would turn out to be the last car journey he ever made.

She stared out of the window, hoping to see Theo sprinting toward her, full of apology.

But there was no Theo. Just an oversolicitous member of the front of house staff, keen to know her intentions.

Kristen had no problem eating in a restaurant alone if she’d planned for it, but she hadn’t planned for this and she felt increasingly conspicuous. She was dressed for a celebration, but there was no celebration.

Unable to stand the sympathetic glances from her fellow diners any longer, she stood up and gave her apologies. Embarrassed, she gave them a massive tip for nothing but the privilege of having allowed her to sit at one of their tables for an hour.

Then she walked out of the restaurant and called Theo again.

“Theo, I’m on my way home. I’ll see you there. Call me as soon as you can just to let me know you’re okay.”

Her mind went into overdrive on the cab drive home.

She wanted to believe that he’d been held up, but if that was the case why hadn’t he messaged her? He knew she was waiting in the restaurant. He knew this was a special occasion.

No, Theo wouldn’t do that to her, which left only one explanation and that was that he hadn’t been able to use his phone for some reason.

Theo had mentioned to her that Michael’s phone had kept ringing even after he was dead.

Remembering that sent her mind and her thoughts spiraling out of control. There was no point in telling herself that nothing would have happened because these things did happen, and Michael was evidence of that. Some people arrived home safely, but some didn’t.

Back in her house, she dropped her purse onto the kitchen countertop and called the emergency department.

She was probably overreacting, and no doubt she’d regret it once the staff started teasing her, but she’d take it because it was the only way to put her mind at rest.

“I just want to check whether Theo Buckingham is there. I’m sure he isn’t. I’m being—”

“Theo Buckingham? He’s in surgery.”

“In surgery?” Kristen’s knees gave way, and she sat down hard on the nearest kitchen chair. She felt dizzy. “How bad is it?”

“I’m not at liberty to disclose personal information.”

“I’m his wife.”

“Oh—Mrs. Buckingham? It’s Clara Oats here. Sorry, I didn’t recognize your voice. It’s pretty bad. It will be a few hours before we know more.”

A few hours?

She couldn’t think. She was shaking. How could two tragedies happen so close together?

“Mrs. Buckingham? Are you still there? Can I give him a message for you?”

“A message?”

“I can pass something to one of the team if there’s something particular you want to say.”

She knew from talking to Theo that hearing was often the last thing to go when a person was unconscious. It was the reason relatives were encouraged to talk to their loved ones even when they were in a coma.

What would she want them to say to Theo?

“It’s our anniversary. I was waiting for him at a restaurant.” She was choked by panic and emotion. This must have been how Trisha had felt. “I’d ordered a bottle of champagne.”

“I’m sorry. This is bad timing.”

Bad timing? Her husband was in surgery and all this woman could say was that it was bad timing?

“I’m going to drive over now.” She tried to pull herself together. These were Theo’s colleagues. He’d want her to be composed. “I’ll be there as quickly as I can, but if you could just tell him that I love him.”

“I’ll do that. Nothing like a bit of romance to lighten a serious situation. You have a nice evening, Mrs. Buckingham. And hopefully Theo will be home in time to share that bottle of champagne with you. It must be frustrating for you. The downside of being married to a brilliant surgeon like your husband.”

How could he possibly be home in time to drink champagne?

Downside?

And then she realized that when the woman had said that Theo was in surgery, she hadn’t meant that he was the patient. She’d meant that he was the surgeon. Theo wasn’t the one being operated on, he was the one doing the operation, but her mind had been hurtling so fast down the dark track toward doom that she’d interpreted the conversation in the wrong way. The misunderstanding was her fault, but in her defense Theo hadn’t contacted her or asked anyone else to contact her. And yes, she understood the life-and-death nature of some emergencies, but this wasn’t just about him being late home, it wasn’t even about him leaving her stranded in an expensive restaurant on her own on their anniversary, it was about him not once thinking that she might be worried after what had happened to Michael.

Surely he wouldn’t have done that to her? There must be another explanation. “Theo wasn’t on call this evening.”

“I know. It should have been Alison Hollister, but her mother had a fall this afternoon, so Theo said he’d cover for her. You know what he’s like. He’s always there for everyone.”

Everyone except his wife.

She ended the phone call, skewered by a thousand volts of anger. All the energy she’d put into being anxious, now fueled her fury.

Theo wasn’t trapped in a tangled heap of metal. Theo was at work. He was operating. He’d covered for Alison so that she could go home and take care of her mother, and he’d left his wife sitting alone in a restaurant on their anniversary worrying that something had happened to him.

Her eyes stung with tears of anger and frustration.

She couldn’t believe they were back here again. After everything that had happened over the past few weeks, everything he’d said about appreciating his family, appreciating her, he’d prioritized work again without even having the courtesy to let her know.

Enough. Enough!

Vision blurred, she stomped up the stairs and dragged her largest suitcase from a cupboard. That hollow feeling inside her was back. The loneliness. The feeling that no one cared about her enough to make her their priority. Was it too much to ask?

Maybe it was, in which case she needed to make sure that she was at least the priority in her own life.

An hour later the suitcase was by the front door, along with a smaller bag stuffed with valuables and all her personal items.

It was dark, and past midnight, but she didn’t bother turning on the lights.

She sat down on the bottom stair and waited.

Another hour passed and then she heard the sound of a key in the lock and Theo stepped into the house.

He closed the door quietly, turned and tripped over her suitcase.

“What the—” He steadied himself and flicked on the light, blinking as he saw her sitting there. “Kristen? What are you doing?”

She stood up. Her knees were shaking. Her hands were shaking. Her whole world was shaking.

“I’m leaving you, Theo.” They were words she never thought she’d say. “But I’m doing you the courtesy of saying goodbye first, because that’s the adult thing to do after so many years of marriage.” And also because there were things she badly needed to say, and she knew if she didn’t say them they’d burn a hole inside her.

“What? Wait—” He dropped his keys onto the table and put his bag down. “You can’t be serious.”

“Do you see a smile anywhere on my face?”

“Is this because I missed dinner? It was an emergency, Kristen. What was I supposed to do? Tell a husband that I can’t save his wife because I have to go home to my own?”

“No, I don’t expect you to do that. I respect what you do. But I would like some respect in return. Do you have any idea how I felt tonight?”

“It was all frantic, Krissy.” He hung up his coat. “I knew you’d be okay. I knew you’d understand.”

“Well, I wasn’t okay. And I don’t understand. Would you have left me sitting in that restaurant all night?” She was raising her voice, but she couldn’t help it. “I would like you to just once consider how I might be feeling. A call, Theo, that’s all I needed. A message. It didn’t even have to be you sending it.”

“It just went from my mind—”

“You mean I went from your mind, and that’s because I’m never in your mind. There is always something, or someone, more important.”

“You’re overreacting. And on that subject, why did you call the department and ask them to tell me you love me? They all had a big laugh over it. Were you trying to embarrass me?”

“Embarrass you?” The thought of everyone laughing was the final straw. “Do you have any idea how I felt when you didn’t show up at the restaurant? The restaurant you chose, by the way, as somewhere special to celebrate our anniversary. The date you fixed. Because you really want to spend time with your family, don’t you, Theo, you really want to spend time with me. After what happened to Michael, you’re a changed man.” She knew she should be having this conversation in a calm voice, but it was impossible. She was so very hurt. So very upset. “Except you’re not a changed man. You’re exactly the man you’ve always been. And even now, with me spelling it out to you, you’re not even trying to understand how I’m feeling. It’s all about you. I didn’t call the hospital to embarrass you, I called them because I was scared that something had happened to you!”

He stared at her. “Of course nothing had happened to me. Why would you even think that?”

“Because bad things happen. They happened to Michael!”

His expression changed. “I didn’t think about that. It didn’t cross my mind that you’d worry. I’m sorry. Next time I’ll get a message to you.”

Next time.

“There won’t be a next time. I’m done, Theo.” She gestured to the suitcases. “I’ve never been a quitter, but this is me quitting.”

“Kristen—” he said, running his hand over the back of his neck. “Look, I get that you’re upset. I understand. But can we talk about this tomorrow? I’ve been operating for the past eight hours and I’m tired. I’m sorry I messed up our anniversary. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

“If you think we can talk about this tomorrow, then you don’t understand. And even now, you’re still making it about you.” And suddenly she realized something, and she wondered why she hadn’t seen it before. “It’s a type of addiction, isn’t it, Theo? Being needed? Being the hero? The guy who rides in on his charger and saves the day. Or at least, saves the patient.”

“Because the patient needs me. I’m a surgeon. That is my job.”

“I know. And I’ve always admired that. I’ve always supported you. Which is why it’s taken me this long to see things clearly. The patient does need you, but you need them just as much. You need the applause. You need the limelight. Yes, you make a difference, and sometimes you save lives, but there are other surgeons. You’re not the only one. And a life doesn’t have to be full of big moments and drama for them to count. Small moments matter, too. Those moments no one else sees. But you don’t get high on those moments, do you, Theo? You can’t handle the ordinary or the mundane or those life moments where you’re not the shining star.”

“Kristen—”

“You’re a saint to your patients and staff, and absent when your family need you. We are nothing more than your support crew, here to back you up so that you can live this life you’ve chosen. You have your priorities, and I’m not one of them. But I deserve more than that. I deserve better than to be left in a restaurant without even the courtesy of a phone call. You are always there for your patients and colleagues when they need you, but never there for me.” She was furious with herself for being so emotional, but how could she not be? This was her marriage. Her life. “I’m leaving, and we can figure out details later.”

“Wait—” He caught her arm. “You’re leaving because I didn’t message you to say I’d be late?”

“No, I’m leaving because I’m not important to you.” Her voice was shaky. “Even in my lowest moments, when I truly needed you, you haven’t been there for me.”

He let go of her. “That’s unfair and untrue.”

“Really?” She hadn’t intended to rake up the past, but how could she not? “You missed Todd’s birth because you were with a patient who you judged to be a greater priority than I was. It didn’t matter that I was frightened and alone, and that Todd’s heart rate was dipping and scaring everyone. It didn’t matter that they had to rush me to surgery. The welfare of your wife and child was secondary to the patient you were dealing with.”

“I knew you were in good hands, but you’re right. I should have been there for that.” His face was paler than usual. “Fortunately you were both fine—”

“Physically yes, although no thanks to you. Emotionally? I wasn’t fine, Theo. I was traumatized. The gap between the happy birthing experience I’d hoped for and the panicked emergency I ended up having, was huge. And I had no one to share it with. You abandoned me.” Her voice was shaking, and she stopped talking for a moment and pressed her hand to her chest, forcing herself to breathe slowly. She had to finish this conversation. “I buried that trauma and I forgave you, because deep down you’re a good man and I was proud of you. I tried to forget and carry on. And on all the occasions that followed across the years where you weren’t there for me when I needed you, I did the same. I swallowed it and carried on. I made excuses for you. I forgave you. And then my father was rushed into hospital.”

“I was with a patient who had fallen from a window—”

“I don’t doubt it. And I’m sure you felt you were justified in not being by my side when my father was dying, but ask yourself this, Theo—were you really the only person who could have helped that patient? Was there really no other surgeon who could have stepped in and covered for you the way you always step in and cover for colleagues? I’m sure there was, but you didn’t ask them because you didn’t want to be with me.” And suddenly it came to her in an explosion of clarity. “You were afraid.”

“Afraid?”

“Yes. Afraid of my emotions. Afraid of your own emotions. You’re good in a crisis when it is someone else’s crisis.” She wondered why she hadn’t seen it before. “You’re brilliant at being detached, but when it comes to dealing with your own emotions you will do anything to avoid it. That’s why you had to take time off after Michael. You couldn’t handle it. And it’s why you weren’t there for me after my father died, because you couldn’t handle my emotions, either.”

“Kristen—”

“At the hospital when he died, I handled it on my own. I cried on my own. I’ve become used to handling things on my own. But the thing about doing things alone, Theo, is that eventually you realize that not only do you feel alone, but you are alone. And when my father died, I realized just how alone I really am.” She felt drained. Exhausted. She needed this conversation to end, or she wouldn’t have the energy to leave the house and she was determined to leave the house.

“I know you felt terrible when your father died,” Theo muttered, “but I didn’t know what to do.”

“Acknowledging it would have been a start. Saying I’m here for you, or offering some gesture of support. The type of support I’ve been giving you since Michael died. But you didn’t give me that. You weren’t there for me. You’re never there for me. And do you know what makes it worse? You were there for Michael. You supported him when he needed it, so I can’t even tell myself you’re not capable of it. You’re perfectly capable of doing that for other people. Just not for your wife.” She picked up her jacket. “I’m always handling things alone because you’re not around, so let’s make it official. Let’s formalize this arrangement and stop pretending we’re a team. It’s all about expectation, Theo. I end up handling everything by myself anyway, so I might as well be by myself.”

“You’re very upset,” he said, “but we can’t fix things if you leave. I don’t understand why you’d leave.”

“I know you don’t. And that’s why I’m leaving. Because even now you’re not hearing me. I don’t believe things can be fixed.” What did she have to do to make him understand? What did she have to say to make him pay attention? “Do you have any idea how lonely my life is? I almost had an affair, Theo. I met a man who cared about me, who was interested in me, and who listened to me, and it was such a novelty after years of being invisible that for a short while I was truly happy. I’d forgotten how it felt to be happy. And I didn’t sleep with him, I wasn’t unfaithful—physically at least—but that relationship showed me just what was missing from my life.”

Theo was breathing rapidly. “You’ve been seeing someone? That’s why you’re leaving?”

“It was a fleeting friendship and it’s over. That has nothing to do with us. I’m leaving because I want more than you’re able to offer. I deserve more. You’ve chosen your life, and your priorities, and I have to accept that. But I have a right to choose my life, and my priorities. The life I live matters, too. I deserve not to feel lonely. I deserve to find happiness, or at least contentment, where I can. I deserve to be more than your support team.”

Theo looked shell-shocked. “Where are you going?”

“I don’t know.” She hadn’t even thought that far. “I think I’m just going to follow my mother’s example and disappear for a while.”

“On your own?”

“I’ll be fine on my own.” She picked up her bag and her suitcase. “I’ve had plenty of practice.”