Twenty
Twenty
SEPTEMBER 1996
I was lucky Richard Alexander made the appointment for a Saturday. I didn’t have to miss school and my mother could drive me to the clinic.
She’d been surprisingly understanding. There had been moments of yelling and tears, but my mother said it was my decision.
I saw the way her lips opened and closed on the drive. There was something she wanted to say, but she didn’t seem to know when or how to start. So it was a silent ride, both of our minds churning with unspoken emotion. When we pulled into the parking lot, she put the car in park but didn’t turn off the engine.
The air had turned cool the week before and the warmth of the car felt cozy, a false comfort on a scary morning.
“We don’t need his money. Cash is temporary. This decision is permanent,” my mother said, staring forward.
We’d talked about Richard’s offer for days. This wasn’t the first time she’d made this argument.
My mother knew I disagreed. I never wavered in all of our discussions. That check would change our lives. I was firm as I said, “I’d be stupid not to take the money. I’m done being stupid about men.”
My mother made it clear how she felt too. “This is your body, Tess. No amount of money can ever buy your body. Do you understand?”
I nodded and unbuckled my seat belt, exhausted by the repetitive conversation. My mother put her hand on my thigh, stopping me from leaving.
“I met your father at the Homestead.” She inhaled, preparing herself for this memory. “His name was Jack. At least, that’s what he told me. Sometimes I wonder if his full name was John or Jackson or maybe even Jefferson. Who knows? You don’t think about asking for someone’s full legal name when you have a one-night stand. Although that wasn’t my intention at the beginning of the night.” She mumbled the last part.
This was already more information than I’d ever gotten from my mother. I didn’t speak, afraid to interrupt a story I didn’t think I’d ever hear.
“I’d just turned eighteen, so I was living in the staff housing that summer. I thought I was so lucky to finally be out of my parents’ place. But after a few weeks, I missed your grandmother’s cooking, and sharing a bathroom with two dozen girls lost its appeal. It’s funny how easily dreams can turn into disappointments.”
My chin quivered. I wanted to hear this story, but I was afraid of what I would learn. Our relationship felt fragile, and I didn’t think I could handle finding out that I was my mother’s regret.
My mother reached for my chin and turned my face toward hers. “You have never been and will never be my disappointment. You are my pride, Tess.”
She shook her head. “I shouldn’t tell you this story.”
“Please,” I said, my voice part whisper, part plea.
She took a deep breath and continued. “I was working in the kitchen, delivering room service that day. This room ordered pancakes and eggs and French toast. My tray was loaded. When I brought up the order, there was a line of beer bottles in the hallway from the night before. There were three of them, not quite men, but not boys either, staying for the weekend, a college graduation gift from their parents. They were dressed for a round of golf, but they all looked too hungover to enjoy anything.”
My mother stared forward as I hung on her every word.
“I dropped off their breakfast order and cleaned up the bottles in the hallway. They weren’t rude, but Jack was the only one who was nice. He helped me with the trash even though I insisted he shouldn’t.”
I saw my mother’s lip twitch, as if a memory was triggered. “He had a great smile. Straight, white teeth that shone against his tan face. He flirted like it was a competitive sport, complimenting my hair, asking me questions about the area, telling me stories about their road trip to the resort.”
I wanted to ask a million questions. I wanted her to paint his picture so that I could see that smile. I wanted to know if she saw bits of him in me, and which parts, and why she hadn’t said any of this before. But I didn’t interrupt. I let her keep telling the story she’d hidden for so long.
“He asked if I wanted to go see a band in town that night and I almost screamed ‘yes.’” She sighed. “Sometimes guests treated me like I was invisible. I can’t tell you how good it felt to be seen. I floated through work that day.”
My mother seemed too practical to ever float, but I suppose she was a whole different person before me. A child changed everything.
“He bought me fancy cocktails and we danced and he held my hand the whole night. He talked about taking me on a hike the next day. And said his parents would love the restaurant at the hotel and he’d bring them back later in the summer. I assumed too much. I read into those tiny comments and thought that meant he planned on seeing me for more than one night.”
My mother’s eyes fluttered open, as if she was forcing away memories she wanted to forget.
“And then the next day, they ordered more room service. Except this time, he didn’t help me gather the beer bottles. He looked away when his friends laughed about how good I was at my job. He left the resort and pretended like I never existed. Like he hadn’t held me the night before and made me think my life could be something more.”
I swallowed, knowing exactly how she felt.
“I’ve asked about him before,” I said softly. “Why are you telling me now?”
“I was embarrassed. I should have been smarter. I want more for you.” She rattled off these reasons like a grocery list. Then she took a deep breath and said, “Because, up until this moment, I didn’t know if you could understand that mistakes can lead to the best moments in your life.”
I shook my head. “You have to say that because you’re my mom. I was a giant mistake and who knows what your life could have been like if you didn’t get pregnant at eighteen.”
My mother held my hand. “Having you was the best moment of my life. I can’t imagine how empty I’d feel without you in my world.”
The car felt too small for such a big conversation. I stared at the floorboard as I said, “You’ve struggled to make enough money and worked for assholes and now your daughter is pregnant. Mistakes don’t lead to good stuff. They lead to more mistakes.” I wiped away a tear from my cheek and saw my mother’s glassy eyes mirrored my own.
“Try to see it a different way, Tess. I had parents who supported me and welcomed me back into their home. I’ve struggled, but I’ve never starved. I have a brilliant, kind daughter who is going to do remarkable things in her life. There are people who never experience a fraction of the love I’ve known.”
She reached her arms around me and pulled me into a tight hug. “No matter what you do, today or any day, I will always love you.”
I held her tighter. She showed me love that, up until that moment, I’d been too selfish to understand.
“Thank you for telling me about him.” I kissed my mother’s cheek. “Thank you for taking care of me.”
I reached for the door handle.
“Do you want me to come in with you?”
I shook my head. “I need to walk in by myself.”
She seemed to understand that I couldn’t be ushered through this decision. I needed to make it fully on my own.
She squeezed my hand. “I’ll be in the lobby when you’re done.”
My hand was shaking as I walked toward the building. There was a man standing at the entrance. At first I thought it was a protestor, but instead of shouting threats in my face, he handed me an envelope.
It was a check from Richard Alexander for the remaining money I was owed. I wasn’t important enough to justify his presence, so he sent a messenger. I shoved the check into my pocket and walked inside.