Twenty-One
Twenty-One
OCTOBER 26, 2021
Grant stares at me from across his childhood bedroom. I brace myself for what comes next, because he’s no longer talking about the pain of his mother’s death. He’s focused on our past and the decision that tore us apart.
“Can you honestly tell me you’ve never wondered?” Grant asks. “What if you’d kept the baby? We could still be together.”
I’m an adult. Grant is the opposing candidate. And yet all of a sudden, I’m transported back in time. He forces me to juggle the sympathy I feel for a broken boy and my frustration at his lack of understanding.
“Because if I did what you wanted, we’d be together? Is that how you think love works? One person controlling the other?”
“I wasn’t trying to control you, Tess.”
“You were so idealistic. You thought our lives could go on with a baby. But it would have changed everything for me. You went on to Princeton and Wharton and got your fancy job and your fancy wife and your fancy house and nothing changed for you. But it changed everything for me. Everything.”
“I know. That much money would change anyone’s life,” he bites back.
I recoil at his words, both in their bluntness and because they force me to face one of my biggest regrets. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.” I want to sound confident, but instead, my statement is a meek whisper.
“I know exactly what I’m talking about,” Grant says. “My father paid you fifty thousand dollars to have an abortion and stay away from me. And you jumped at the money.”
Grant is right. But I don’t say that. Instead, I begin to defend myself. “Your father is an asshole.”
“At least he’s honest about who he is.”
I’ve tried to be a good person. Maybe that’s why I’ve devoted my life to making the world a little better. That check from Richard Alexander changed our lives, just like I knew it would, but I could never let go of the dread that I accepted it. Every grocery trip where my mother bought what she wanted instead of what was on sale, I had to ask myself if it was worth it. When I stepped on the UVA campus, I had to ask myself if it was worth it. When I married a man with a strong moral compass, I had to ask myself if it was worth it. I’m still searching for that answer.
I didn’t want to be the person who took the money. But even more, I didn’t want to be the person without it.
I continue my defense. “He got my mother fired. Did he tell you that? I was seventeen, pregnant, with no home, no money, and your father handed me a check.”
“That’s what he does, Tess. He finds someone’s weakness and jumps on it. You took that check and threw away our whole lives together.”
“No, Grant. You did that. I hate myself for taking his money, but I didn’t feel like I had a choice. I didn’t want my mother’s life.”
“You didn’t want a life with me either.”
I stalk toward Grant, decades-long anger surfacing at his judgment of my decisions. “You knew me. But at the first sign of conflict, you ran. You didn’t trust me.”
“Why would I trust you? You took a bribe and killed my baby.”
His words slap my heart. “I’m sorry you feel that way” is the only response I can manage.
Grant seethes. “You’re sorry? Sorry for what? Sorry for taking the money? For having an abortion? For being the second love in my life stolen from me in a month? What are you sorry for, Tess?”
I try to explain, fearing that it’s pointless. “I was young and stupid. I don’t know what I thought would happen. We needed that money and it did create a whole new life for us. One I know we wouldn’t have had otherwise. But I’m sorry you were hurt in the process.”
“My whole life is made up of people who think my pain is irrelevant.”
I’m frustrated that Grant thinks he is the victim. Because there were two lost kids that summer. “That’s bullshit. I loved you and I thought our love was stronger than some asshole with a bribe. You knew who your father was. I took the money and I stood there that day you left and lied to you. I told you I couldn’t be with you anymore because your father was willing to pay me more money than I ever could have imagined.”
There are streaks of tears falling down my cheeks as I say the words that have been bottled inside for decades. “I will never stop feeling guilty for what that must have done to you. For how you must have felt. I know you felt alone, and I know my words made it worse. I’m sorry. I loved you so much and there has never been a harder moment in my entire life than the day I pretended I’d be okay without you.”
“You didn’t have to take the money. We could have made it on our own, Tess. I know we could,” he pleads.
“You’ve never known what it’s like to struggle. That’s all I knew, and for the first time in my life, I was given an opportunity to escape.”
“You talk about choice and control over a woman’s body. But you were so quick to see that control sold off. I don’t think I’ll ever understand what you did, Tess.”
“You don’t have to.” I want to repeat those words again and again in the hope that someday Grant will understand. “It was my life. I made decisions, and I am the one who has to live with the consequences of those decisions.”
“That’s not true. I still think about that baby. I wonder what kind of life she’d have. She would have graduated college by now. You took all of that away from me and you knew it wasn’t what I wanted. She could have had a beautiful life.”
“He,” I say, letting the simple word slip from my mouth.
“What?” Grant stutters, looking as if he’s been struck.
I walk toward the window of his room, unable to look into his eyes when I say, “He could’ve had a beautiful life.”
“How did you know the baby was a boy?”
“The ultrasound,” I whisper. I turn toward Grant and watch as his mind spins, trying to put together the pieces that have been missing for so long.
Grant shakes his head. “You couldn’t have known that early. With the twins, we didn’t find out until the middle of the pregnancy.”
“I knew.”
“Tess, what are you saying?”
I breathe in, knowing that the air can’t be held any longer than the truth. “I didn’t get an abortion.”
“What?” Grant’s entire body seems to shake in confusion.
“I took the money, but I didn’t have an abortion.”
“But you said it was your choice.”
“It was my choice. But you weren’t there. You never came.” I can’t stop my voice from turning into the pleas that a teenage girl was so desperate to vocalize. “I kept thinking you would reach out and I’d tell you and everything would be okay. I waited for you, and you never came.”
“You never had an abortion.” Grant’s voice cracks.
“You left me all alone. I was seventeen and so scared, Grant.”
“Tess, please, I’m begging you, tell me what happened. Do we have a child?” Grant is frantic.
“Grant, I’m not ready for this conversation.”
“When, Tess?” he shouts. “You’ve lied to me for twenty-five years.” His tone is even, but I see fury in his eyes. “I’ve waited long enough.”
“I didn’t lie to you. You believed what you wanted to believe, what you have the privilege of believing. I was the one who was pregnant and you left. You said you loved me, but that love was so quickly rescinded.”
“I told you I wanted to keep the baby. You told me you made the decision for both of us. How do you think that made me feel?” Grant asks accusingly.
“You made me promises,” I say, unable to stop myself from jabbing his chest. “You said you’d be by my side. But when I didn’t do exactly what you wanted, you cut me off. You never contacted me again. Didn’t you wonder about me?”
“Every day,” Grant says softly, closing the space between us.
Tears drop onto my dress, leaving marks of darkened blue on the simple sheath. I think back to that summer. I look into Grant’s eyes and his hand reaches out for mine. I then tell him everything that happened, a time I never want to relive. But I do it because Grant deserves the truth.