Chapter 35 – Raelyn
Chapter Thirty-Five
RAELYN
“You have a visitor, my lady,” Kian’s valet says, scaring the hells out of me. I didn’t hear him come in and was just finishing my breakfast alone.
“Giles, I didn’t see you there.” I hold a hand to my heart, willing it to calm. “Do you know who it is?”
“I believe it’s your father, Lord Astoria.”
My heart starts racing again and my palms dampen at the mention of his name. On one hand, I’m excited to see him—it’s been almost two months. On the other, he lied to me, drugged me . . . I’m scared to face him, but oh, I have so many questions.
I clear my throat and rise, gripping the table to steady myself. “I’ll see him.”
“Where would you like to host him?” Giles asks.
I shrug, looking at him helplessly. Even after weeks, this place still doesn’t quite feel like home.
“Might I suggest the sitting room across the hall?”
“Sure, that sounds perfect. Thank you, Giles. I’ll be over in a few minutes.”
He nods and slips out of the room.
I pace back and forth, surely wearing the ornate rug thin beneath my feet. I can do this. I can face him. Do I pretend not to know anything? Do I wait for him to say something? Gods, I don’t know.
Smoothing my hair back, I take a few deep, calming breaths before crossing the hall to the sitting room. I’m glad Giles suggested it; it juts out toward the gardens, and the floor-to-ceiling windows let in copious amounts of light.
Memories of Father asking our servants to draw the curtains in the middle of the day fills me with a renewed sense of anger. I’ll let that little bit of rage fuel me for the conversation ahead. I can do this.
Sweeping into the sitting room, I plaster a smile onto my face. “Father! How lovely to see you.”
“Raelyn, my darling.” He smiles broadly, but sweat dots his brow . . . Is it just me, or has my vision significantly improved? Another effect of the godsblood running through my veins, if I had to guess. He looks older . . . tired.
Meeting me halfway, he pulls me into his arms. I blink, my entire body stiff as tears choke my throat. I honestly can’t remember the last time he’s done so . . . I swallow them down, trying to keep my wits about me. The last thing I need is for him to manipulate me. I need answers.
I can do this, I remind myself once more.
I pull away and blink back the tears before they escape. “You look well,” I lie.
“So do you, my darling.” He takes me in from head to toe, wiping at his brow with a handkerchief until he stops and focuses on my gold-flecked eyes.
“Are you actually well? Have you been taking your tonic? When I arrived at the manor and you were gone, you have no idea how terrified I was. I’ve missed you so much and had to come as soon as I could to make sure you were actually all right. ”
“Father, please. I’m fine, as you can see.
Have a seat.” I motion toward the sitting area that is currently flooded with rare sunlight.
Has the sun been shining more frequently as of late?
I need to discuss this with Kian. Before my thoughts run away with me, I turn my focus back to Father and the way he’s fidgeting in a manner so unlike him. I must really have him rattled.
“Raelyn, dear, should we have the servants draw the curtains? You know the sun makes you ill.”
“Does it now?” I respond dryly.
Father continues to dab at his sweating brow. “Raelyn—”
“No, Father. No more lies,” I say firmly and take a seat. “Are you ill?”
He waves me off as he sits down. “I’m fine.”
Seconds that feel like hours tick by as he silently peruses me, waiting for me to reveal my hand first or perhaps waiting for me to answer his questions. My hands grip my skirts, and I stare him down in defiance.
“Eloped, Raelyn?” he spits out. “That damned prince. After everything I did—”
“What did you do?” I interrupt, hoping for some truth, but he just keeps going.
“And now my firstborn—”
“But am I?” I demand, finally getting him to stop. “Stepmother told me without any hesitation that I’m a bastard.”
Father flinches. “That was not her secret to tell.”
“So it is true.”
His silence is deafening. To finally hear it from him hurts in a way I can’t explain.
“Were you ever going to tell me?” I ask, unable to hold back the tears welling up in my eyes all over again. “Do you have any idea how many questions I have?”
He looks at the floor, squeezing his handkerchief in his hands. Before he says another word, a maid comes in with a tea service and pours refreshments for us.
“Thank you,” I murmur, and she escapes the awkward silence as quickly as possible. I don’t blame her.
“Raelyn, regardless of your birth, I have always considered you my daughter,” Father says calmly.
I look up into his dark eyes, searching for truth . . . searching for lies. I’m not sure what to believe.
“Was Mama my mother?” I ask. If he’s lied about everything else, I have to know what’s real . . . if anything.
He picks up his teacup and sips from the steaming beverage, his hesitancy making my heart drop.
“Well?”
“I didn’t come here to talk about that,” he deflects.
“I came here because my eldest child ran off and got married without even discussing it with me. After everything I have done for you, all I have sacrificed, how could you betray me like that? How could you steal such an important moment from me?”
“You sound like Chessa,” I mutter under my breath.
“Excuse me?”
Ignoring him, I repeat, “Was she my mother? I need to know!” My voice starts to rise, and I’m a child all over again, fighting with my father. When he refuses to answer, I switch tactics. “Do you have any idea how Stepmother treated me when you left?”
He frowns. “Whatever do you mean?”
My eyes widen. Does he really not know? “Father, she let go of most of our staff and replaced them with me.”
His jaw goes slack, and he struggles for words. I want to believe he’s actually shocked. I really do.
“That’s preposterous!” He shakes his head.
“It’s true. Ask anyone at home and they’ll tell you, unless she managed to threaten them somehow.”
“But your brother and sisters—”
“They were treated the same as always. Stepmother hates me. Gods only know why.”
“Raelyn, please believe me when I say I would have never allowed that. That never should have happened.” His body shakes with rage, each word clipped as it comes out. “That was unacceptable on her part. I shouldn’t have left you. How can I make this right?”
I laugh bitterly. “What’s the point? I’m here now. A princess of the realm. Look at that.”
Father stares up at the ceiling, defeated. “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted . . . to keep you safe.”
“By poisoning me?” I accuse.
His eyes flash back to mine. “I was protecting you.”
“So you keep saying,” I grit out. “By what? Lying to me? Suppressing the godsblood in my veins and keeping me from my source of power?”
Father sits back in his seat. The fear flickering in his eyes looks real.
“Do you know something? About the lost god?” I ask.
When he continues to sit in silence, I let out a frustrated scream. “Why won’t you answer any of my questions?” I jump to my feet and pace the room.
“Raelyn.” My father’s voice cuts through the noise in my head.
I whirl and glare at him.
“I can’t expect you to understand until you’re a parent, but you have to trust that everything I did was for your protection.”
“That’s not good enough,” I bite out, my hands on my hips. “Besides, you’re not my father, are you?”
He cracks an odd smile. “You’re feistier than when I left.”
I want to crumple to the floor and cry. He has no idea how broken I am. This is a mask. That’s all. I’m not strong—I’m weak.
Father gets to his feet and stalks toward me, surprising me when he once again throws his arms around me and crushes me into a hug.
I stiffen, hating how comforting his arms feel.
My body slowly loosens, and I hug him back, silent tears streaking down my face.
When he pulls away, the fear in his eyes is almost disconcerting. “I worry for you, daughter.”
“Bu—”
“Regardless of whether or not you are my blood, you are still my daughter.”
“What can you tell me?” I ask. “There has to be something . . .” I leave my words hanging, my desperation clear.
Father sighs, rubbing his hand across his face in an unfamiliar manner. So different from the father he’d been for so many years, as if now that the mask is stripped off, this is all that remains.
“As you’ve discovered, you do have godsblood,” he admits. “I fear that since you’ve awakened your gifts, he’ll come after you.”
“Who?” I frown. “What do you mean come after me? The lost god? Wouldn’t that be a good thing? We need him to heal our land.”
“There are some things you won’t be able to understand, daughter, things I cannot tell you, but trust me, it would be better for you to go back to the way things were. You don’t want him to find you.”
“‘Him’ who?” I ask again, desperate for an answer, any kind of answer.
“Your true father.”
I still. “But why wouldn’t I want that?”
“He’s not who you think he is,” Father says cryptically.
I frown, confusion making it hard for me to even grasp this conversation, let alone the circles he’s running me in.
“Is he a demi-god? Where has he been hiding?” I ask. “Everyone thinks the gods have ignored us for centuries . . . Is that a lie too?”
“Tell me, have you had dreams yet?” he asks almost frantically, ignoring my questions.
“Doesn’t everyone dream?” I say, not hiding my snark at his continued withholding.
He shakes his head in aggravation. “No, child, I mean a dream that doesn’t feel quite like another. Has anyone spoken to you?”
“I’ve been having dreams for years, Father . . .” I admit. “Dreams that are different.”
He palms his face again. “Perhaps all of it was in vain . . .”
“You’re not making sense.”
He fists his palms, and I can sense the tension radiating off him. “Please, Raelyn, get back on the tonic. I need you to trust me on this.”
I back up a few steps. “I like being able to experience the sun. I like the strength it gives me.”
He blinks, as if realizing his battle is lost. “Heed my words, child. Stay here in Elsmont. Do not go looking for him.”
I laugh. “Where would I even go?”
He grimaces. “You may never forgive me for my lies or half-truths, but try to remember it was only done out of love.”
“Until you are ready to tell me actual truths, Father, I don’t want to see you anymore. Tell Stepmother and my siblings they are not welcome here at court either.”
He steps away as if I slapped him. A part of me feels awful for my words, but I need to set some boundaries. This is one of them.
“Please leave,” I clarify. “Do not return unless you have actual information for me.” I step aside so he can walk past.
He gives me a final look, one I can’t read, and walks to the door. “Stay here, where you’re safe.”
I shake my head, unwilling to look him in the eye again. When I don’t respond, he leaves, and I collapse onto the floor, shaking, allowing myself to break one last time.