Chapter 43 – Kian
Chapter Forty-Three
KIAN
Sera slips out of my room, and I look to her anxiously.
“Does she remember anything?”
She shakes her head. “It’s as if the last few months have been completely erased.”
No. I’d hoped it was temporary confusion and she would remember more.
“How many times has this happened to her?” I grit out, my hands squeezing into fists at my side.
Sera won’t meet my gaze, her eyes glued to the floor.
“Sera,” I growl. “What aren’t you telling me?”
Her violet eyes finally meet mine, and she shakes her head, a hand going to her throat. “I can’t say . . .”
Her back is ramrod straight, and while I want to push her on it, something tells me I won’t be getting the answers I seek. While it might not make sense, I do think she cares for Raelyn and if she could offer help, she would.
“Raelyn has forgotten me every single time I have met her,” I say. “We met as children a few times, and when I saw her again at sixteen, she didn’t remember me . . . and the same again at her first season’s ball.”
I catch a glimpse of sadness mixed with anger and perhaps a hint of fear on Sera’s face. “I’m sorry, Your Highness.”
“Please send word to Lord Astoria,” I tell her. “I need to meet with him.”
Sera nods and starts to leave before she pauses at the door and turns back. “Your Highness?”
“Yes?”
“Be gentle with her . . . She’s quite lost right now.”
My heart softens, and I give her a reassuring nod. “Of course. I’m so glad she has you looking out for her.”
I catch myself in a yawn and realize I’ve barely slept in days. My worry for Raelyn has made it impossible, on top of the latest raid. I’m running ragged. I peek into my room, and Raelyn is tossing about in bed, her hair sticking to her face while whimpers come out of her.
Rushing to her side, I debate if I should wake her. Helplessness creeps in once more. What can I do?
Before I can second-guess myself, I slide into bed and pull her into my arms. Her body goes still, and her heart rate slows.
Perhaps, if only in sleep, she will allow me to be her comfort.
I sigh a breath of relief and loosen my hold until a soft whimper from her lips has me instantly holding her close again.
The need to be near her, to comfort her, is strong, and I only wish I could do more.
I just hope she won’t be angry if she awakens with me here, but I’ve been apart from her for far too long, and that has only made me realize all the more how much I need her .
. . how much I want her. She might have forgotten everything, but I haven’t.
What started as childhood infatuation has grown into something deeper, more lasting, despite all the times I thought to fight it.
She’s not only beautiful on the outside, but also has strength of character, kindness, and wit that continue to make me fall for her more.
Gods willing, I can get her to trust me again when she’s awake.
Once more, I want to kick myself for allowing her out of my sight last week .
. . We were so close to opening up to each other fully for the first time.
After Raelyn left the garden, Father made it clear in no uncertain terms that he expected an heir from us as quickly as possible, but now, my wife can’t even remember we’re married.
Something stirs near me, and I blink. I’m met with the startling green-and-gold of my wife’s eyes.
“Good morning,” I whisper, hoping she’s not going to be angry.
“What are you doing here?” she whispers back.
I can’t help but smirk. “This is my bed, is it not?”
Her face flushes the brightest shade of red, and she stutters, “Umm . . . yes, I suppose it is . . . I just wasn’t expecting you to . . .”
I’m suddenly aware of how entangled we are; one of her smooth legs is fitted comfortably between mine, and a delicate hand rests on my chest. I clear my throat and try to scoot back a little before she discovers just how attracted to her I am.
With my movement, she pushes away from me, as if she too just realized how close we were.
“I’m sorry, Rae. It sounded like you were having a nightmare when I came to check on you last night. My presence seemed to soothe you, so I stayed . . .”
Her brow furrows, and the twitch of her lip betrays the smile she’s holding back. “That was very kind of you, Your Highness.”
“Please don’t call me that.” I clench my fist at my side to avoid touching her. I so badly want to touch her. “It’s Kian . . .”
“Sorry, Kian. I just—”
“It’s okay. I wish I could help you remember.”
She sucks in a breath, her eyes widening as she gestures between us. “Were we . . . uh . . .” She flushes and tries to start over. “Sera said our marriage was quite sudden, but, um . . .”
Should I put her out of her misery or let her continue to fish for answers? I clear my throat. Do I tell her we kissed right before this all happened? Do I tell her how much I desire her? Fighting against all my instincts, I say, “We were still getting to know one another.”
Her brow furrows even deeper, if possible. “But Sera said we were madly in love.”
I blow out a breath and chuckle. “That’s what we told my father, and by extension, the rest of court. We decided to marry out of convenience for both of us. My father demanded I marry by the end of the season, and I was trying to help you get away from your stepmother.”
“Oh,” she says, then gestures between us again. “So we never?”
“Unfortunately, no, love. That wasn’t part of the agreement.” I roll onto my back and stare up at the ceiling, unable to continue looking at her. “Regardless of what rumors might float around court, I would never take a woman to bed who did not wish it.”
The subtle scoff has me tilting my head toward her, and I note that she’s rolled onto her back as well. I study her profile as she says, “You’ll only get into bed with one without permission.”
Some of her fire is coming back, and that makes my heart happy. The heavy sadness has been hard to bear, especially when there’s nothing I can do to fix it.
My gaze is drawn to her pert nipples, visible through the thin fabric of her sleep shift, tempting me to draw them into my mouth. Does she realize the blanket slid down? I squeeze my eyes shut and retort, “Well, this isn’t the first time we’ve shared a bed.”
“What?” she squeaks and turns her head to face me.
“We were trying to make our love convincing.”
“Oh.” She flushes a pretty shade of red yet again.
Fuck. It’s pure torture lying next to her, wanting her .
. . knowing she’s forgotten everything, again.
Perhaps it’s for the best. This way, she no longer remembers my role as the Shadow.
My mind flashes back to the betrayal on her face when she discovered my secret.
Nearly every person in her life has either lied to or betrayed her.
I can’t do it again. I will come clean to her, but now .
. . now, I need to get out of this bed before I do something I regret.
I take a deep breath and sit up, planting my feet on the floor. “There is something we need to discuss, I’m afraid.”
The sheets rustle and the bed moves as Raelyn sits up. “That sounds serious.”
“If you’d like to join me for breakfast, we can discuss it then.”
After we’ve both bathed and dressed, Raelyn finally joins me in our common area. Giles has procured an incredible spread of food, and my mouth waters at the smell.
“Please, have a seat.” I motion toward her usual spot. I hate how new things feel again.
“Thank you,” she says, reaching for her favorite pastry.
I fill my plate with eggs and potatoes, sprinkling a healthy dose of cheese on top that melts beautifully.
“Well, I guess I’ll just get to it,” I say between bites.
She pauses, the croissant halfway to her mouth before she sets it back down. “You’re making me nervous, Kian.”
“I’m sorry, love. I wish I had better news . . . but this memory thing has put us in quite a bit of a predicament.”
“How so?” she frowns.
“Well, my father expects you to testify as to what happened with Lord Havordshire, the man who . . .”
She pales. “But how? I don’t remember.”
I grimace as I set down my fork. “Sera saw him attacking you, but she didn’t see much, and there’s no proof that you weren’t there willingly with him.”
She picks at the croissant on her plate, her face a shade of green I’ve never seen before.
“Hells, I’m sorry, Rae. I wish I didn’t have to tell you.”
“So, what?” She blinks back the beginning of tears. “He gets away with what he did, with poisoning me, stealing my memories, and I get accused of infidelity and possibly hanged?”
“Never!” I spit out vehemently. “I won’t allow it.”
Her body shudders, and I so badly want to pull her into my arms and give her comfort. But she hasn’t asked for it, and I already crossed the line sharing her bed.
“What do I do?” she asks, the brokenness in her voice killing me.
“I’ll do my best to talk the king down, but in the meantime, I’ve sent for your father. Perhaps if he can tell us what exactly you were dosed with, we can find a cure for your memories.”
“I still can’t believe he would have had anything to do with the attack,” she says. “Do you think there’s a chance he knows what could help?”
A pit fills my stomach. Devastating her all over again with news of his betrayal is the last thing I want to do.
“I don’t know, love. The alchemist was able to recognize the herbs but was unable to figure out the exact recipe.
You have my word, Rae, even if there’s no hope left, I will continue fighting for you. ”
She looks down at her plate, a soft thank you coming from her lips before she makes a valiant effort to eat. It’s clear to me, however, that she’s hardly eaten a thing and merely rearranged the food on her plate a dozen times over.
“He will pay,” I vow.
“What?” She looks up.
“I promise, Lord Havordshire will pay for what he did to you.”
She gives me a solemn nod, and we spend the rest of the meal in deafening silence.