CHAPTER THIRTY
The next morning, having crashed out early the night before and slept round the clock, I was wide awake by six o’clock.
I tiptoed through to the kitchen and made myself some tea then I peeked in on Billy who still looked dead to the world, sprawled on his back on Rori’s sofa. I paused, looking down at his handsome face in slumber. Some people looked funny when they were asleep, but Billy looked...vulnerable and sexy, with those long lashes curling on his cheeks and that very kissable full upper lip. Hugging my happiness, I went back to bed with my tea.
An hour later, I heard Rori getting up and showering. So I did the same and joined her in the kitchen. She’d closed the living room door so that Billy could sleep on, and she was busy sorting through Ada’s boxes of stuff destined for the charity shop.
‘Can I help?’
‘Nearly done. How are you today?’
‘Good. I’m feeling a little bit better every day.’
‘Excellent. Now, there’s just that box over there next to you. Is it just duvet covers?’
Kneeling down beside the box, I pulled out a pair of velvety rust-coloured curtains and held them up. ‘Remember these?’
Rori nodded, smiling. ‘Every autumn, Ada would replace the summer ones with those to keep the heat in the house.’
‘I wasn’t very nice to her yesterday,’ I confessed sadly. ‘But I just didn’t have the strength for a fight.’
‘Why would you need to fight?’ she asked lightly.
I sighed. ‘I don’t know. I just... there’s still so much I need to know about her motives in all this. I hate that she sent Skye away to boarding school straight after I was born so that we had no chance to bond as mother and daughter. And that she chose to hide it from me all these years.’
Rori sat back. ‘I’ve asked her those same questions myself and I honestly believe she thought she was doing the best thing for the whole family.’
‘Separating a mother from her baby is the best thing?’
‘When you put it like that, no, definitely not. But nothing’s black and white, is it?’
I nodded, thinking about this as I pulled out three assorted duvet covers with matching sheets and pillowcases. ‘Hey, what are these?’
Lying at the bottom of the box were some baby clothes and other bits and pieces. I held up a rattle and shook it. Then I picked up the tiny pair of shoes. ‘So cute.’
‘They must be yours,’ murmured Rori.
‘Really? How do you know?’
She smiled. ‘Ada was rebelling against pink for a girl and blue for a boy when you came along – so she bought sunshine yellow!’
‘Sunshine yellow! Very appropriate. Except my surname shouldn’t have been “Sunshine” at all. It should have been “Argent”.’
‘Er, not necessarily,’ she chided me with a grin. ‘Women don’t have to take the man’s surname. Or hadn’t you heard?’
‘That’s not the point.’
‘I know.’ She sighed. ‘I know what you’re saying. Have you spoken to him? Gary?’
‘Yes. He came to see me.’
‘And how was it left?’
I shrugged. ‘He’s doing the gentlemanly thing and stepping back until I’m ready to talk about everything.’
‘He seems a really lovely guy.’
‘He is. I just... it’s all so awkward now.’
Rori nodded. ‘Of course. Just give it time.’ She frowned. ‘What’s this?’ She picked up what looked like a small notebook from the box and flicked through it. ‘It’s in Ada’s handwriting,’ she said, looking up at me. ‘Better not read it.’ She snapped it shut and put the book on the floor. ‘I’ll take it back to her some time.’
I nodded. ‘Good idea.’
‘Right. I’m going to make some breakfast. I think I can hear Billy.’ She got to her feet. ‘Scrambled eggs on toast?’
‘Lovely.’
‘Actually, we’ve run out of milk. Could you go down to the café and borrow some from Ellie and tell her I’ll replace it later?’
‘Of course. I’ll be straight back.’
I waited until Rori had gone then I quickly pocketed the notebook, left the flat and went downstairs in search of milk, all the time burning with curiosity to know what was in the notebook. Why had it been tucked away with my baby clothes and toys?
It might just contain shopping lists. But as I waited for Ellie to fetch a carton of milk from the kitchen, my heart was racing as I opened the notebook.
Ada’s handwriting covered three sides of the small notebook. Flicking through it, I found that the rest of it was blank.
I read the first sentence.
All I’ve ever wanted was to do right by my girls, including Blossom. Especially Blossom. But I fear I might have made the biggest mistake of my life...
My heart lurched. What was this? A confession? I felt strangely breathless, needing some fresh air.
Thanking Ellie for the milk, I left the café and walked onto the village green, holding the notebook tightly as I crossed to the bench by the duck pond, taking in big gulps of the fresh morning air.
I didn’t feel guilty reading it. Why should I? Ada had kept her thoughts to herself all these years. It was time I found out what had been going through her mind when she made such a life-changing decision – to bring me up as her own daughter.
Sitting down on the bench, I began to read the words she’d written...
All I’ve ever wanted was to do right by my girls, including Blossom. Especially Blossom. But I fear that I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life, sending Skye off to boarding school and separating her from her baby. It breaks my heart every time she phones and wants to come home. Every single time, I have to resist the urge to get in my car and drive up there and collect her and bring her back for good.
But we’ve made our decision now. We talked about it and Skye agreed it was for the best, although I’m worried I might have been a little too persuasive in painting a picture of the stardom that awaits her. Because nothing in life is certain. But Skye has the raw talent to go all the way to Hollywood. I feel it, her teachers have suggested it, and I think Skye is beginning to believe it, too.
She’s dreamed of becoming an actor since she was a little girl and performed in all the school musicals. She’s over the moon to have won a place at such a highly-regarded academy for performing arts in London. But how could she possibly throw herself wholeheartedly into this amazing adventure if she’s a single mother with all the duties this entails?
So I keep telling myself I’m doing the right thing – for her and Blossom – taking the weight from Skye’s shoulders so that she can spread her wings and fly. Meanwhile, Blossom will have all the love and care that Rori and I can give her, right here with her family. She’ll want for nothing. And we’ll tell her the truth about her birth just as soon as she’s able to understand.
On sunny days, it seems to me like the perfect solution.
But what if I’m wrong?
There are nights I can’t sleep for worrying that I might have made the biggest mistake of my life, taking Skye off to school in Edinburgh when it became clear she was pregnant, and returning with baby Blossom in my arms.
My biggest dread is that one day, my decision will come back to haunt me and I’ll lose the people I love the most. I never let people see me cry. It’s not in my nature. But when I’m alone in my room and the dread of losing my girls takes over, I break down in tears every single time.
That’s where it ended, Ada’s heart-rending description of her doubts and emotions. I read it again, more slowly this time. Then I sat back, feeling shaken emotionally.
Ada couldn’t unburden herself on friends or family – as she’d said, that wasn’t in her nature – but what she could do was pour out her innermost thoughts and emotions in writing. Had it released some of her guilt and torment, getting all her feelings out onto the page?
I set the notebook aside and sat back, focusing on a duck that was swimming back and forwards on the pond, and feeling a little of the turmoil Ada must have been experiencing.
Remembering Rori and the scrambled eggs, I got up. And as I did so, I happened to glance over at the high street. A car that looked familiar was pulling up and parking by the green.
There weren’t many bright green Mazdas around.
It had to be Geoffrey.
I shook my head at the coincidence. Strange that I should have been reading Ada’s notebook and then her ex should appear. Maybe it was a sign?
I watched Geoffrey get out of the car, then I made up my mind, picked up the notebook and the milk and hurried over the green to catch him up...
*****
‘Where have you been?’ called Rori when I let myself back into the flat.
‘Oh, I just popped out for a bit of fresh air.’
‘Are you okay?’
‘I’m fine,’ I called back, nipping into my room. Flopping back on the bed, feeling exhausted after all the sudden activity, I cradled the notebook, still thinking about what Ada had gone through when I was born. She was clearly tormented by the decisions she’d taken but she’d had no one to confide in about it. My eyes filled with tears. I couldn’t imagine how that must have felt...
Someone knocked and next second, Billy was peering around the door.
He frowned when he saw the single tear slip down my cheek. ‘Are you okay? Are you in pain again?’ He sat down next to me on the bed.
‘No, no. My head isn’t hurting. It’s my heart, I think.’
‘Your heart?’ He looked more alarmed than ever.
I chuckled. ‘Don’t worry. I don’t mean the internal organ. I mean I’m feeling emotional because I’ve just read this. Written by Ada when I was born.’ I held up the notebook. ‘She was really torn about her decision to bring me up as her own. It wasn’t easy for her.’
Billy nodded. ‘I bet it wasn’t. I’ve always suspected Ada was a bit of a softie beneath that brittle exterior.’
‘Have you?’
He nodded and I laughed. ‘Billy, you never cease to amaze me.’
‘Aw, shucks.’ He grinned.
‘She’s always been a prickly sort of person, but I guess it was probably inevitable after having such a wretched childhood, with parents who ultimately rejected her. And of course, she had to keep the secret of my birth all those years.’
He grimaced. ‘True. That would put a strain on anyone.’
‘It must have been exhausting for Ada – and Skye as well, of course – having to guard such a devastating secret all that time... never letting anything slip... keeping up the pretence at all times that Skye was my big sister. I don’t know how they did it.’ I shrugged. ‘I just don’t know why they didn’t do what they decided and tell me the truth as soon as I was old enough to understand.’
Billy grunted. ‘They were probably scared of your reaction, so they let it slide.’
‘Maybe. Perhaps the years passed by, as they do, and then it seemed too late,’ I said sadly.
We sat in silence for a while.
Then Billy murmured, ‘Maybe it’s time to forgive them for what they did?’
‘You really think so?’
He nodded. ‘I mean, however regrettable Ada’s decision might have been, they’re your family and they always will be. Both Skye and Ada love you to bits.’
I swallowed. ‘I know. And I love them, too. It was the scale of their deception that alienated me.’
‘I think it’s time to put it behind you. Look to the future. Don’t let your bitterness stand in the way of you being happy, Blossom.’ He smiled. ‘It’s not in your nature to bear grudges. Don’t risk losing the people who love you.’
I smiled at Billy, thanking my lucky stars that I’d found him. ‘How come you’re always right? Every time? It’s very unattractive, you know. I might even hate it,’ I joked. ‘So could you just stop it, please?’
He grinned. ‘Well, I hate that your lips are so damn kissable, I can’t stop thinking about them. So I guess we’re even.’
‘Speaking of which, you haven’t kissed me today,’ I reminded him. ‘Although I suppose with me looking like this, with puffy eyes and a bandage on my head, it’s probably not exactly a tempting proposition.’
He tweaked my nose. ‘You’re just fishing now.’
‘Maybe.’
‘Come here, then.’ He pulled me against him and kissed me so thoroughly, I felt like I was soaring up to the stars and never wanted to come down again. I’d found a real love at last. Whatever happened in the future, I knew that Billy would always be there for me.
Rori called that breakfast was ready and we broke apart, chuckling softly. Then we walked through to the kitchen, hand in hand...