Chapter 8
8
CATHERINE
W hen Lexi left the on-call room, Catherine felt like her heart had been torn from her chest. She’d thought there was something different between them, a connection she wanted so badly to be real. But did she truly want a relationship, or was it simply desire? Catherine wanted Lexi desperately—and nervously, yes, because she’d never done this before. But as she sat on her sofa that night, thoughts swirling, she found herself fixating on what it would be like to go down on Lexi, to taste her, to run her tongue along every inch of her body.
Lexi had haunted her mind for the rest of the day, leaving Catherine heartbroken. She wanted to make everything right between them.
That night, Catherine decided she needed advice and headed out to visit her old friend, Dr. Sinead Gallagher, a former residency colleague and the only lesbian Catherine knew well. As she made her way to the bus stop—something she almost never did—she figured tonight was the perfect night to try something different.
Sinead had sounded slightly confused when Catherine asked to meet, but she’d agreed nonetheless. When Catherine finally knocked on her door, it swung open to reveal Sinead in her usual casual attire: jeans, a T-shirt, messy hair, and bare feet. She had an effortless, scruffy charm that was undeniably her trademark style.
“Come on in. Sorry about the mess,” Sinead said, not bothering to tidy or put on airs. Catherine found a small space on the cluttered sofa and settled in, trying to steady her nerves.
“So what can I help you with?” Sinead asked, a mischievous gleam in her eyes.
“It’s…a bit awkward, really,” Catherine began, feeling heat rise to her cheeks. She took a deep breath and decided to just say it. “I’ve met a woman. And…I like her. I mean, in a romantic way. Well, actually, more than that. In a very…sexual way.” Catherine paused, hoping she didn’t sound as ridiculous as she felt. “She seems to like me too, but she pulled back, and I don’t know what to do. I thought maybe you could help me?”
Sinead raised an eyebrow before bursting into laughter. Catherine blinked, a little stunned.
“What’s so funny?” Catherine asked, slightly embarrassed.
“Oh, it’s just…of all the things you might have needed advice on, I didn’t expect this ,” Sinead replied, still chuckling.
“So you don’t think I’m gay?” Catherine asked cautiously.
Sinead shrugged. “Sexuality isn’t that straightforward. It’s a spectrum. Some people are more drawn to one side, others to the opposite, and some float somewhere in-between. Sometimes, all it takes is one person to tip the balance.”
“She’s certainly tipped something,” Catherine muttered, her cheeks heating even more.
Sinead laughed again. “Don’t get me wrong—I’m not laughing at you , just at the situation. I’m happy to help, really. So who’s the woman?”
“She’s the new neuro attending, Lexi Bond. Have you met her?”
“Oh, yeah. Blue eyes, shiny ponytail—she’s hard to miss. We did a surgery together the other day. She’s sharp, very talented. I’d happily work with her again, and yeah…those eyes are something, if that’s your thing.”
“Well, as it turns out, it is my thing,” Catherine admitted with a wry smile.
“So you and Bond—are you two, you know, doing it?” Sinead asked, raising an eyebrow.
“We…have, twice,” Catherine said, hesitating. “Mostly, she…well, she’s been the one to do things to me. She doesn’t let me do anything for her, if that makes sense.”
“Ah, a ‘touch-me-not,’” Sinead said knowingly. “Not unusual in the lesbian world, though not super common, either.”
“What do you think that’s about?” Catherine asked, genuinely curious.
“Have you told her you want to touch her?”
“Yes. I really, really want to,” Catherine admitted, almost shyly. “It’s all I can think about.”
“So you’re serious about her, then? This isn’t just curiosity?”
Catherine nodded. “I’ve never felt like this before.”
Sinead regarded her thoughtfully. “Well, sometimes touch-me-nots just aren’t comfortable with it at all. Or maybe they just don’t feel secure enough with someone to let themselves be vulnerable.”
“Why wouldn’t she feel safe with me?” Catherine frowned.
“Oh, I don’t know,” Sinead replied dryly. “Maybe the fact that you’re married. To one of the world’s most famous surgeons, no less. And straight. I’d say that makes you pretty dangerous.”
“Dangerous?” Catherine repeated, surprised.
“Dangerous to her heart, Catherine. Lesbian relationships can get intense. It’s a lot of emotion wrapped up in physical intimacy. Bond’s probably holding back because she’s afraid you’re going to break her heart.”
“I wouldn’t do that,” Catherine said with determination.
“So you’re going to leave James?” Sinead asked, her gaze steady.
Catherine considered the question for a long moment. “Are there any other options?” she asked quietly.
“Not really. You either leave him, or you’ll end up hurting her,” Sinead said matter-of-factly. “That’s the thing with straight women, Catherine. They break your heart. Every lesbian knows it. It’s more of a guarantee than a risk when you get into it with a straight woman.”
Catherine mulled over Sinead’s words. Suddenly, it was clear. One minute Lexi looked at her like she was the only thing in the world she wanted, and the next, she was pulling away. Lexi was protecting herself from getting hurt—because straight women, it seemed, were dangerous.
“But does it ever work out?” Catherine asked, a glimmer of hope in her voice. “Do some of them turn out to not be so straight after all?”
“Oh, it works out sometimes. But not as often as you’d hope. Most stay with their husbands because it’s scary to make that leap, or maybe they’re not as into women as they thought. Or maybe they’re too comfortable with the life they already have,” Sinead said, looking pointedly at Catherine.
Catherine felt a pang as Sinead’s words hit a nerve. Yes, her life with James was comfortable. Wealthy. Secure. “But I wouldn’t be struggling,” she said softly. “I’m a surgeon, and so is Lexi. We could make it work if we tried.”
“True. But think about what you’d be giving up,” Sinead said. “Your house, your lifestyle—it wouldn’t be the same.”
The thought of leaving her beautiful home didn’t bother Catherine as much as she’d thought it would. Lately, it hadn’t felt like much of a home anyway.
“I think I want this,” Catherine said quietly. “But it’s hard to know. Being with James is all I’ve ever known. We’ve been together more than twenty years.”
Sinead nodded. “Just…remember Lexi’s feelings in all of this. If you’re not careful, you’ll end up breaking her heart.”
It was late when James arrived home that night. Catherine was in the living room, having just finished reading The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo , a book she’d heard was a lesbian romance. But it hadn’t ended happily, and it left Catherine in tears. She lounged on the sofa in her navy blue silk pajamas, thinking about Lexi and all the feelings she’d brought to the surface.
She heard James’s footsteps coming down the stairs. This was it. She was going to tell him she couldn’t do this anymore. He hadn’t spoken a word to her since he’d come home from his trip. He’d just gone straight to the kitchen to heat up the meal she’d prepared for him earlier, fulfilling her duty as the perfect wife, always making sure his needs were met, even though he rarely returned the courtesy.
“James,” she called softly. “Can we talk?”
“What about?” he replied sharply from the kitchen.
“Just bring your food in here, and we’ll talk.”
Moments later, James came in with his plate and sat down at the large table, eating silently. The rich aroma of the curry Catherine had made filled the room, but she felt sick to her stomach.
“I’m not happy,” Catherine said quietly, her voice barely more than a whisper.
James looked up, chewing slowly, his eyes cold. “What does that mean?” he asked, voice laced with irritation. “What more could you possibly want?”
She took a deep breath, steadying herself. She wanted everything she hadn’t found with him—love, connection, passion—but she couldn’t make herself tell him that. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I just…I’m not sure I want this anymore.”
“What the fuck does that mean?” he snapped, glaring at her.
She swallowed, her hands shaking. This was the moment. “I’m not sure I want to be in this marriage anymore.”
James stared at her like she was a stranger. His voice was sharp when he spoke again, as if he was barely restraining himself. “Well, you’d better get fucking sure,” he sneered. “You’re lucky to be with me. I’ve given you everything.” His voice was a blade, cutting deep. “I suggest you think very carefully about what you’re saying,” he added, the words a thinly veiled threat. “Don’t say something you’ll live to regret.”
With that, he got up, grabbed his half-eaten plate off the table, and stormed back into the kitchen. Catherine heard a loud clatter as he tossed the plate into the sink, clearly taking his anger out on the dishes. She stayed seated at the massive dining table, feeling small and alone, surrounded by all the things he’d “given” her that suddenly felt so empty, so meaningless.
James disappeared upstairs without another word, and Catherine found herself grateful for the solitude. She placed her head in her hands, feeling the weight of the years pressing down on her. She thought she might cry, but the tears wouldn’t come. She was too numb, too exhausted from living this life that seemed to demand everything from her while giving nothing in return.
The dark cloud that had been building over her for months—maybe even years—seemed to settle heavily on her shoulders. She knew now that things couldn’t continue as they had. She couldn’t keep pretending that she was satisfied, that she was fulfilled, that this was the life she wanted.
She sat there for a long time, letting the silence fill her up, thinking about what lay ahead. She thought of Lexi’s eyes, the way they’d looked at her with such intensity, such hunger, and something else—something that looked a lot like love. And she thought about her conversation with Sinead, about what it would mean to break away from everything she’d ever known.
One thing was clear: she could no longer ignore the hold Lexi had on her, nor could she ignore the truth that her life with James was no longer where she belonged. It was time to stop lying to herself and to him.
Catherine didn’t know exactly what she was going to do next, but she knew her life needed to change.