Chapter 25
Chapter Twenty-Five
S leep. Run. Work. Repeat.
Riley’s life had become a boring monotony as weeks began to pass. The Fourth of July had been full of clouds. The Labor Day barbecue had no flavor. The fall leaves had dropped without fanfare or appreciation. Halloween had brought dozens of costumes to the door of the shelter, but not a single smile had been genuine. Thanksgiving had been last week, and Riley’s turkey had never tasted so dry.
Now the world was strung with green Christmas trees and red holly berries and mistletoe, yet Riley only saw gray everywhere she looked.
Sleep. Run. Work. Repeat.
She kept waiting. At first she had waited to hear from Antony. To hear that he was doing better. That he’d forgiven her. That he understood why she’d betrayed him.
But as weeks, then months had passed without a word, all hope had died, and her waiting had changed. Now she waited for her heart to heal. For her breathing to be less painful. For her mind to come back into focus .
It was amazing how hard it was to get over a broken heart, and Riley finally had a small piece of understanding how difficult things must have been for Antony. His heart had been broken when he’d come back from service, and it had taken ages to heal. The only real difference was that Riley had gone quiet, while Antony had lashed out.
But the sentiment was the same, and it only added to the guilt that plagued her every footstep. Guilt at having barged into Antony’s life when he wanted to be left alone. Guilt at encouraging him to go through with the race when he clearly wasn’t ready. Guilt at kissing him and letting her attachment grow. Guilt for telling him she loved him when he didn’t want to hear it and lastly…of course…guilt at betraying his wants and telling him to go to Portland.
Despite how much research Riley had done, despite how much she’d negotiated with the Harrisons to make sure the experience was everything Antony might need it to be, the guilt remained.
Yes, he’d been drowning but he’d also been making progress. Slow to be sure, but still progress. In time, he would have figured things out on his own, and it would have been glorious. Strong, healthy, and amazing Antony would have once again stormed through life, leading and accomplishing everything he set forth to do.
One of Mrs. Harrison’s arguments in gaining Riley’s help had been that by getting him professional help, they were giving Antony back the years it would have taken for him to reach that point. There was truth in that statement, but it didn’t matter now. All that mattered was that in helping…she’d lost the best part of her life.
“Riley?”
Her head snapped up, and Riley prayed that her cheeks weren’t wet. She didn’t always recognize when she was crying these days. She raised her eyebrows at her employee, not trusting her voice to be steady.
“There’s a woman here who’d like to look at the kittens.” Susan grinned. “As a Christmas present. ”
“Right.” Riley nodded too quickly. “Of course.” She pushed herself up. “I have a few minutes. I can show her.”
“Thanks.” Susan stepped back and waved toward the door. “Ms. Sumner can help you. Riley, this is Mrs. Pointen.”
Riley stepped into the hall, a practiced smile plastered on her face. “Hi! I’m Riley. You’re interested in kittens?”
The middle aged woman wasn’t someone Riley was familiar with, but her soft, round face was eager and bright. “I’d like to surprise my youngest,” she said in a conspiratorial tone. “She’s turning ten next week, and I thought it was a good age to let her finally have a pet.”
“Ten’s great,” Riley agreed. “We just need to head this way.” She led the woman into the kennel area. “We’ve got two batches right now. A younger batch that’ll be ready in time for Christmas, but you need to make an appointment to have them fixed in the future, or a slightly older batch that were just fixed last week.” Riley tilted her head. “Do you have a preference?”
“How about the younger ones?” Mrs. Pointen said. “There’s just something about those tiny fluffs that tug at the heart, right?”
“Always,” Riley agreed. At least, they used to tug at her heart. If she still had a heart.
Riley led the way to the back of the large room and pulled open a fenced door. “Ooh, looks like they’re sleeping.” Stepping up to the bundle of cats, she gently extracted a white one with black ears. “This is Lola.” Riley put that smile back in place while Mrs. Pointen put her fingers over her mouth. “Of course, your daughter can name her whatever she wants, but I call her Lola because she’s the reason we found this litter.”
Standing, Riley closed the few feet between them and handed the bundle to Mrs. Pointen, who immediately cradled the tiny animal to her chest.
“She’s so tiny,” Mrs. Pointen cooed, stroking the kitten’s back reverently. She looked up, eyebrows raised. “Lola is the reason you found them? ”
Riley nodded and forced a chuckle, the same one she’d been using since Antony left. “She’s got the loudest mewl of any kitten I’ve ever known, and she also refused to stop making noise.” Riley put her hands on her hips. “It was that noise that caused a passerby to find the box in an alley. And not only that, but Lola here, never stopped complaining until the last of the litter had been washed and fed until their bellies were full. Only then did she settle down and give our ears a break.”
Mrs. Pointen laughed. “She sounds like my daughter. A fighter to the end.”
“They’d make a good pair then,” Riley agreed. “Lola means ‘strong-willed.’”
Mrs. Pointen nodded sagely. “I think it’s a match made in heaven.” She switched the direction she was holding the kitten and held it out in front of her so she could look the feline in the face. “Yes. I was going to think about it longer, but I think you’ll do nicely.” She cuddled the sleeping cat again. “When will she be available?”
“Just in time for Christmas,” Riley assured her. After getting the kitten resettled, they walked back down the hall. “I’m going to hand you off to my assistant, Tom. He’ll help you take care of the paperwork and make the neuter appointment.”
“Thank you,” Mrs. Pointen gushed. “I think my daughter will be thrilled.” Her eyes widened. “If I recorded it, would you like to see her reaction?”
“I’d love that,” Riley fibbed. “Please share with us. We put things like that up on the website all the time. Everyone loves unboxing videos.”
A few minutes later, Riley headed back to her office, drained from her feigned happiness, though it only lasted a half hour.
Rubbing her head, she sighed. It was getting harder and harder to keep going. Even moments like this, which should have been the happiest point in Riley’s day, simply weren’t making a difference. The whole reason Riley chose to work in the shelter was because she enjoyed making a difference and helping the hurt and abandoned. But now the thrill was gone, and she wasn’t sure what to do about it.
Her feet came to a skidding stop in the doorway of her office when she noticed something on her desk.
“Aspen,” Riley breathed. Her friend came by every few days, like clockwork. She brought hugs, greetings, and cake and had done her best to help Riley overcome her loss, but Riley simply wasn’t getting better. If anything, she was becoming more numb.
A styrofoam box sat in the middle of the paperwork stacks, and Riley sighed. She loved Aspen, she loved the Harrisons, she loved her friends, and dang it, she still loved Antony. But this wasn’t doing anyone any good.
Ignoring the box, Riley sat at her computer and pulled up a search engine. Her bottom lip trembled, and she bit it hard. It was December now. The holidays were coming, and things would be busy for a couple of weeks. But perhaps…maybe…after it settled down again in January, Riley should move on. Maybe she’d reached the end of her usefulness here in Seagull Cove. Maybe it was time for a fresh start.
She put her cursor in the empty box and began to type job openings in pet shelters.
“Again,” Luca barked.
Antony held back a groan. He knew full well that if he complained, his taskmaster would simply double the workload. Grunting, he threw his weight forward and pulled his chin over the bar.
Sweat ran down his back and drenched his shirt. His hair, which was pulled back in a ponytail, was sticking to his soaked neck and his grip was starting to slip, but Antony held on, determined to conquer.
“Four!” Luca bellowed. “Five! Six! Seven!”
Antony closed his eyes, putting every ounce of energy he had into this last set.
“Nine! Nine!”
Antony’s eyes popped open as he jerked himself right again.
“Nine!” A cocky smirk sat on Luca’s face.
Antony glared. His arms shook so hard, he was sure he was going to fall on his butt any moment.
“Nine!”
Curse words swirled so fast Antony barely had time to recognize half of them.
“Nine! Ten!”
Gasping, Antony let go of the bar and dropped to the grass, letting his leg crumple until he was flat on the ground. His breathing came in great puffs of white air, hot clouds in the cold temperature. “You…are…”
“Yeah, yeah,” Luca brushed him off. He walked over and towered over Antony. At six-foot-four, the burly man would have intimidated even the bravest of souls, but add in a scale reading of two-twenty, an eye patch, and a line of burnt skin across the side of his face and down his neck, similar but smaller than Antony’s, and the ex-soldier could bring down entire armies with a glare.
He put out a hand, grinning. “You’re getting better.”
Antony gripped the offering and let Luca help pull him upright, Antony’s chest still heaving. “Yeah, well, I know this jerk who won’t let me stop.” He shook out his arms. “I won’t be able to use the crutches for a week.”
“Don’t make me double down,” Luca threatened, then laughed, the sound as big as he was.
Antony shook his head. “Sometimes I don’t know whether to thank you or plant one in that great big mouth of yours.”
Luca shrugged and put his hands behind his back. “I get that a lot.”
“I’ll bet you do,” Antony grumbled. Truth was, he’d grown to like the giant helping him with his physical training.
Since arriving several months ago, Antony had put on weight that he’d thought lost forever. His shoulders were filled back out, and he had new muscles he hadn’t even realized existed, all so he could push a wheelchair faster than anyone else on the track.
He’d gotten quite good, if he did say so himself, and it was in no small part due to the man standing next to him.
The biggest accomplishment, however, had been that Luca wasn’t afraid of Antony’s temper. When they’d first started, Antony’s anger had gotten the best of him several times, he’d even gone so far as to invent new curse words.
But Luca hadn’t been moved. He’d widened his stance and folded his arms and waited…and waited…and waited, only to speak when Antony finally ran out of breath, saying, “Are you ready to train now?”
The man seemed superhuman at times, and it was the best thing that had ever happened to Antony.
Those thoughts immediately brought up thoughts of Riley and her attempts to help and her declaration of love as she pushed him to come up to Portland. As always, when Riley came to mind, the guilt ate at his gut like a live virus.
“What’s going on in that noggin?” Luca asked as he tilted his head. “I’ve heard you’re going to be home in time for Christmas. So why the long face?”
Antony ran a hand over his face, wiping the sweat from his eyes. “Just thinking.”
“Don’t you want to go home?”
Antony took a moment to respond before finally turning to the man who’d become more brother than mentor. “Have you ever been in love, Luc?”
Luca stiffened. “Why do you ask?”
Antony took a deep breath and looked away. “There’s a girl.”
Luca snorted. “There’s always a girl.”
Antony gave a half grin and nodded. “It always seems to be our downfall, right? We lose more good men to domestication than anything else, I think. ”
Luca shifted, looking slightly uneasy, but Antony was too caught up in Riley to notice.
“She stuck with me when everyone else left,” Antony croaked. “She pushed when I said no. She refused to give up.” He looked at Luca. “She touched my scars and said I was still handsome.” A harsh laugh escaped. “Can you imagine?”
Luca raised an eyebrow. “Sounds extraordinary.”
Antony’s chin dropped. “She was…is.”
“Is she waiting for you, then? Are you nervous about seeing her again?”
“I’m not sure nervous describes it,” Antony muttered.
“If you love her, and it sounds like she loves you, then what’s the problem?” Luca’s eyebrows pulled down, making his look even more severe.
Antony scrubbed his face with his free hand. “I might have left things…bad…between us.”
“So fix it.”
Antony snorted and bent over to grab his second crutch. Once again, Riley had been correct in saying that the double crutches were much easier for him to use. He was more agile, and they were more comfortable, even though Antony was training to race in a wheelchair, and eventually, he might try a prosthetic, but right now, he was enjoying the chair’s speed. He even wore a helmet now, just like Riley had wanted.
Riley.
Blowing out a breath, Antony started to walk away. Luca’s suggestions made it all sound so easy, but Antony knew better. In fact, he was 99.99% positive that Riley wouldn’t forgive him for how it ended. He walked away. Not just walked away. He’d stormed away, after cutting her off cold.
It wouldn’t be fair to ask her to take him back after that. She deserved better.
“Hey!” Luca shouted, causing Antony to stop and turn. Luca opened his mouth, shut it, then walked up to Antony’s side. “I left a girl when I served,” Luca said in a low voice. His jaw worked back and forth. “But when I got injured, I never went home.”
Antony frowned. “What? Why?”
Luca shook his head. “Doesn’t matter, but…” He took a deep breath. “It’s something I’ve always regretted. Never going back to see what might’ve been.” He slapped Antony on the back. “I think this is where I’m supposed to say ‘don’t make the same mistake I did.’”
“ Do you think it was a mistake?” Antony asked. “Do you think it was better that you let her go?”
Luca’s eyes shifted away. “I don’t know,” he rasped. “But I do wish I’d found out for sure.”
Antony nodded. “I’m going to go shower before you make me do more pull-ups.”
“If only to get us out of this touchy feely moment, I’d do just that.” Luca stepped backward and grinned, but it looked less genuine than usual. “Get going, Harrison. You’ve got work to do.”
Antony jerked his chin in acknowledgement and headed back to the apartments. Luca was right. Antony was going home, in just a little over a week, in fact. And Antony needed to make some decisions.
He hadn’t texted or called Riley the whole time he’d been here. His emotions and struggles had been too heavy, too volatile, but now…the longer he’d worked with the professionals at the institute, the more Antony had come to realize how much help he had needed.
And the more he’d realized just how much Riley had given up for him.
But could he ask her to try again? After leaving and not speaking? Was it okay to ask for another chance?
Antony shook his head. The answer wasn’t clear, but he did know one thing. The more he came back to himself, the more he knew just how deep his love for Riley truly went.
She had loved him enough to let him go.
Could he do the same?