Chapter 29
We fell into a rhythm. He came over on Saturdays.
He always put Flora to sleep. And then he went back to Montana late Sunday. It was a brutal schedule for him, and I didn”t think it was sustainable.
Finally, in late October, he told me he”d have to miss a Sunday. I was waiting for him to do that. I mean, he ran one of the biggest ranches in North America, so it wasn”t like he wasn”t busy. He was taking out a lot of time to come here to see Flora and me—he always said that he was coming to see us and not just me.
”We”re moving the herd, so we”ll be gone throughout the week and weekend,” he told me over the phone.
”It”s okay.”
”Baby, I”ll be there for Halloween, and we can take Flora trick-or-treating together. I promise. You tell her that, okay?”
I believed him. I trusted the arsehole. Goddamn it all to hell!
”I”m going to miss you,” my voice came out in a whine, and I was mortified.
He laughed. ”I”ll miss you, too. The cell signal sucks on the trail, so I won”t be able to call you. I don”t want you to get the wrong idea and bolt.”
”Now, why would you say that?” I lay in bed with my earbuds.
”Turn on the camera.”
”No, it”s fine.”
”Isha, do as you”re told.”
I turned on the light and the phone camera.
”You”re sulking.”
I sucked my lower lip into my mouth, pouting. ”How long can we do this long-distance thing?”
“For however long we need to. You look beautiful. I miss you, baby.” He was in his bed. We”d had enough video calls that I was now familiar with his house. It was a simple wood cabin with all the modern amenities. I liked it very much.
”You”re going to be even busier with the winter calving in November.” Tears sprang in my eyes for no good reason. I was turning into a bloody sap.
”I love how you drop those rancher terms,” he teased.
I smiled as he wanted me to. ”Flora is going to miss you.”
”I”m going to miss her, too.”
”Rowan? Are there any women on this trail with you?”
”We have a few hands who are women. You know that.” He winked at me. ”You jealous, darlin”?”
”No, not really. I trust you.”
He was silent for a long moment, and his Adam”s apple bobbed. ”You do?” he asked hoarsely, his voice full of emotion.
”I do,” I admitted. He”d worn me down. He”d showered me with love and affection, fallen in love with my daughter, and made her fall in love with him. How on earth could I resist him?
”Thank you.”
”No, thank you, Rowan, for not letting me go.”
”Not once I found you. The universe was looking out for me when I walked into Claudio”s apartment that day. The universe was looking out for me when Ace met you at that bar in London. You…you and Flora make my life better.”
I touched the screen of the phone. ”You”re going to come back, right?”
”You bet your sweet ass, darlin”.”
Those were the longest ten days. No calls, no nothing. I got a text from him once in a while when he had cell signal.
”I miss him,” I confessed to Mick. ”I don”t know what to do. How to make this work?”
Flora was sitting with Art at a table while I was at the bar with Mick at his pub.
”Sure, you do.” Mick wiped a beer glass and set it on the counter next to the other shiny glasses he”d been wiping as he got them out of the dishwasher.
”Our lives are in New York, Mick. Bea and Sol are here. You guys. My new job.”
I”d pulled out of the partnership, and we”d settled on terms. I was actually walking away with some money, which had been a relief. I really wanted to have my own business, but not right now. It took too much time away from being a mother, and I didn”t want to live my life feeling bone-tired. We would have a little less money, but we would be fine.
”The cost of living in Montana is way less,” Mick continued.
”I hate that place,” I muttered.
”No, you don”t. If you went with Rowan now, you”d be fine. Sweetheart, we can all see he”s not going anywhere. The man”s in love with you and your kid.”
”I can”t move to Montana.”
”It”s an option you need to think about. The other is him selling his ranch. You know he”ll do it.”
I knew. He talked about it once in a while, and I hated when he did. I could be a physiotherapist anywhere, his ranch was, in fact, not geographically mobile.
”His brother, his mother…ah…they”re all such horrible people. I don”t want Flora around that toxicity.”
”You thought Rowan was like that, too, but he”s changed. Maybe you”ll find that his brother has turned a new leaf. Give it a chance. If you don”t, you”re going to regret it. And you know me, I”ll not be graceful about it, I”ll hound you with the, I told you so, shit.”
I thought about it five hundred different ways but the idea of leaving New York and moving to Montana where I”d have no one but Rowan scared me. Here I had a support system. There, I had no one. It had been debilitating last time. I had felt helpless. That feeling would be compounded with Flora by my side.
I was still mulling it over when Rowan finally made it back to New York. He looked beat—there were dark circles under his eyes, and his face was weathered. It didn”t help that he hadn”t shaved. My guess was that he”d gotten off his horse, taken a quick shower, and taken a flight to New York.
He hugged me at the door and leaned against me. ”God, I missed you. You feel so damn good.”
Flora came running. ”Rowan, you”re here. You”re going to go trick and treating tomorrow with me.”
He left me and picked up Flora in a hug. He kissed her cheek, and his smile was big, wide, and genuine. ”I hear that you”re going to dress like a judge.”
”I”m going to be the Notorious R.B.G.”
”I love it, sweetheart. And I can”t wait to go trick and treating with you. But right now, I”d love some food. You hungry? Let”s find out what your mum cooked for us.”
It was such a domestic scene that my heart, which had been broken, felt like it was completely whole again. I knew I had to make some tough decisions, and I had to make them with Rowan. I had never been in a relationship, ever, and neither had Rowan. This once-a-week business was working, but how would it be to live together? Would we fight all the time? Would we be fine? Would it get boring?
I unpacked Rowan”s bag while he put Flora to bed. He had left more and more of his things at the condo. His toiletries were in the bathroom. I laundered his clothes along with ours. I knew he had a lot of money, and yet he seemed comfortable spending his weekends in my small home. He never complained that there was only one bathroom, and it was small. Or that when he worked on his laptop, he had to do it at the dining table because I didn”t have a home office or desk.
Based on how he worked with his hands on the ranch, I knew he wasn”t like Ace, a snob. And, as he said, he”d been on a trail with no shower and not much sleep for over a week; a proper bed at this point was a luxury.
I went into Flora”s room and found him fast asleep next to her, the book he was reading on his chest, Flora resting on his shoulder, also sleeping.
They both looked absolutely adorable. My big, rugged cowboy in a little girl”s princess bed. I pulled the duvet over both of them. He was probably not comfortable because he didn”t exactly fit in her bed, and he was sleeping half sitting up. But for now, I let him be.
Art came by to drop off some books he”d picked up for Flora at a hospital book sale.
”Where”s Rowan?”
”He fell asleep reading to Flora. You want a drink?”
”Sure.”
We sat at the dining table with glasses of wine.
”He”s tired. This going back and forth is exhausting him.”
Art nodded. ”Yeah, Mick told me you”re worried. You love this guy?”
”Madly.”
”Then do what needs to be done.”
”I…have started to trust him, but I”m waiting for him to stop coming because it”s too hard. And I feel like a shite because of it. I can”t keep doing this.”
”Doing what?” Art picked up his glass and drank some wine.
”Testing him to see when he”ll fuck up, when he”ll give up. I knew I”d miss him like crazy when he told me couldn”t make it last Sunday, but a part of me was thinking, well, this is the beginning of the end. Hope you enjoyed the ride while it lasted.” I was disgusted with myself for not loving this man with my whole heart. He was all in. Bloody hell, he wanted babies.
Art put his hand on mine and squeezed. ”This will sound like a bad Hallmark movie line, but I got to ask you: what does your heart say?”
I quirked an eyebrow. ”That does sound like a corny line from a cheesy movie.”
Art grinned. ”You know me, I”m a fan of those small-town holiday romances.”
”What if he leaves me?” I asked. The fear of that was there, right below the surface.
”I won”t,” Rowan said from behind me.
Art winked at me. The son of a bitch knew Rowan was listening to us.
”Hey, Rowan.” Art got up and gave Rowan a quick hug. He kissed my forehead, filled his glass with more wine, and took the glass. ”I”ll bring it back next time.”
”It”s your glass; keep it,” I suggested as he opened my front door.
Rowan took Art’s place beside me.
”I”m sorry I fell asleep.”
”You”re completely knackered, Rowan.”
”I know. I just need a good night”s sleep, and then I”ll be good as new.”
I worried my lower lip between my teeth. ”You know I start a new job in January.”
”Yeah.”
”Ah…I was thinking of taking time off between Thanksgiving and Christmas. You know, a break.”
”That”s a good plan. Get some rest before you start a new job.” He stroked my arm as we talked. He always touched me when he was close. He”d hold my hand, wrap an arm around me, kiss my forehead, my cheek, my lips.
”And I was thinking maybe Flora and I could spend that time with you in Montana,” I hurriedly said before I lost my nerve.
He looked like someone punched him in the solar plexus, and then, slowly, his face was wreathed in the biggest smile. He took my hands in his and kissed them reverently.
”Yeah? You and Flora want to come to Ledger Ranch?” His voice was hoarse, and I was shocked to see tears in his eyes.
I wiped them as they rolled down his face. ”Hey,” I whispered.
He kneeled down in front of me, and rested his forehead on my lap. I hugged him and rested my cheek against his head.
”You always give me more than I deserve.”
That night, we made love slowly, sweetly, gently.
I lay awake after he fell asleep, wondering if I was making a big mistake. I was going back to where it all began, where it all ended. But I had to do this to see if this was real. If we saw each other every day and were in each other”s space, would it work?
The relationship we had six years ago was nothing like what we had now. That was infatuation, lust, and love wrapped into one another. Now, we were older in so many ways, softer, and rounded in our experiences. What we had now was real. Our souls had connected the last time, this time, our minds had as well.
But fear didn”t come with logic, it was just there like a stone in my chest.
Thanksgiving at the Ledger Ranch would be the gathering point for everyone involved in the previous shitshow; Ace, Caitlyn, Deb.
I smiled when I thought about Amy and Carla. I wanted to meet them.
Maybe we wouldn’t have to go into the main house at all. We could hang out with the ranch hands in the bunkhouse. Rowan could teach Flora how to ride. I knew how to drive in America now, unlike last time when I was petrified of driving on the wrong side of the road. I could borrow a car and explore the ranch and town with Flora.
Winter in Montana would be beautiful. Flora would love seeing the mountains, the snow, and the vast beauty of Big Sky Country.
I owed it to Rowan and Flora to give this a proper chance. I wasn”t a na?ve little ingenue any longer. I could handle the Ledgers, especially with Rowan at my side.