19. It’s a Dream Where We’re Both Awake
19
IT’S A DREAM WHERE WE’RE BOTH AWAKE
MALLORY
“Are you sure you’re okay?” I ask for the millionth time. “Because you’ve been acting weird all afternoon.”
“Everything’s fine,” he replies. For the millionth time. Then he turns to look at me, and offers me a fake–ass smile. For the millionth time. He shuts his bedroom door and heads for his bathroom, removing his shirt and tossing it into his laundry basket. “I’m going to take a quick shower.”
Then he shuts the door, physically and metaphorically. I know everything that’s going on in his mind. Well, I used to. But lately, I feel like we’ve been growing apart, like he’s pulling away from me. It’s been happening so gradually that I haven’t even noticed. But then, I guess I’ve been doing it too. I’ve been spending more time with Gus. And then there’s the whole moving to California thing. Maybe subconsciously, my brain has been willing me to think less about Ollie so when the time comes, it’ll be easier to leave.
But let’s be real for a second. Even if both of us somehow miraculously get into serious, loving relationships with other people, it’s still gonna hurt. A lot. Oliver is my entire college experience. He’s it. The summer before college. Freshman Halloween. The freshman Christmas karaoke disaster. The Sophomore winter dance. Every single party and class, he’s been there. He’s not just my best friend. He’s a part of me. Moving to California is going to be like cutting off my right arm, or my leg, or severing my head from my body. I can’t function without him, and no amount of distance will ever change that.
I should be spending the time I have left with him, being with him. But I cannot spend time with him as just his friend. Not anymore.
I need to tell him I have feelings for him. Even if I still have eight months left here. That’s eight months we could have together. If he feels the same. I hope he does.
His phone lights up on his bedside table, and I quickly glance over it. My heart sinks when I see the text.
Quinny
4 hours ago
I’m not available rn so do whatever you want.
Everything stops. Time, my blood, my breathing. I knew he was hooking up with Quinny, but I didn’t – does he have feelings? Was he sad today because he wanted to hookup with Quinny, but she said no?
My mind goes over everything that happened today.
This morning? He was happy. Lunch? Happy. The start of him, attempting, to teach me Italian, he was happy. Then he spoke to the guys, and suddenly, the sun disappeared. Was it something they said, or did he receive this text during their chat ?
Ollie emerges from the bathroom, a towel hanging low on his hips. Droplets of water run down his pecs, dripping from his wavy hair. He ruffles his hair with a smaller towel, throwing it on his chair. He sees me and stops in the doorway. “Mallory?” He frowns.
Seeing him frown as much as he has today, has cracked a part of me. Ollie is the happiest person I know. His rose tinted way of looking at the world is just one part of how amazing he is. I hate seeing him like this, and I don’t think I can stand it for a second longer.
Apparently, that I appear to have lost my mind, because now i’m thinking… I’m thinking that If he wants to hookup with someone, maybe I could be that person. For one night, maybe we could be more than friends. It’s not like we haven’t slept with each other before. I know that during our summer together we were barely friends, so when when we remained friends after it didn’t mean anything. We can be like that again, can’t we? We just need to not let tonight get in the way.
Fuck it, i’m telling him how I feel.
I stand from the edge of his bed and just stare at him, mouth parted. Say the words. I love you. I like you. I want to be more than friends. I like you more than a friend. I would like to date you. Or climb you like a tree. Or both. I have real feelings for you that are not best friend feelings.
Any of these would be acceptable. But I don’t say any of those. Instead, I place one hand on the back of his neck, reach up on my tiptoes and kiss him.
It’s a featherlight kiss, once. Twice.
“One night,” I whisper into his lips, kissing the corner of his mouth. “Maybe for one night we don’t exist as we are. We’re nobody. Not best friends, just two people.”
He’s staring at me, gaping. His gorgeous green eyes sparkle as they search every inch of my face. Searching for what, I'm not sure.
“Just two people,” he echoes. He leans in, and plants one kiss on the tip of my nose. He shakes his head at me. “Mallie I–”
I kiss him again.
My Olive Oil always thinks too much. We both do. I think we both need to stop thinking so much.
We break apart, only our foreheads touching. I place both my hands on his chest, feeling it rise up and down. “One day.” He finally says. “I’m fine with one day.”
Then his hands are on my waist, and he kisses me so fast, so quick that it nearly knocks the breath out of me. He moves one hand to my cheek, cupping my face as his tongue edges its way past my lips.
Kissing Ollie during spin the bottle awoke something in me. Something I haven’t felt since the first time we kissed that summer. Since the first time we had sex. Sure, I’ve still had all these powerful feelings for him, but it’s all love, want, pining. But now, as his tongue dances in my mouth, his hands roam every inch of my body. Having his naked body so close to me. I feel hungry. Like I need him. It’s something I’ve never felt with anyone else, not even Gus.
I don’t care if we’re friends, roommates, or colleagues. I need him, and judging by the way he’s moving me towards his bed, I'm thinking he needs me too.
I land on his mattress with a soft bounce, giggling as I move myself further down the bed. Ollie stalks towards me, a big smile on his face. His towel is still around his waist as he straddles me, toying with the strap of my cami top.
“This, I believe, is in the way.” He says, panting as hard as I am. I move my forehead to touch his. “It’s not, but this is. ”
Reaching over, I pull his towel away, revealing his quickly hardening length. He plants soft kisses on my lips. Once, twice, three times, as his hand dips behind the waistband of my shorts. All while I reach over and stroke him. He groans into my lips as his fingers rub my clit. I’m soaked. We’ve barely done anything, and I'm already soaking wet for him. He curses as he removes my shorts and panties, but keeps my cami top on. Ollie breaks the kiss and slides his way down my body, and before I know it, he’s sucking my clit.
The sight of Ollie between my legs is now my new favourite thing. I’d take a picture and make this my lock screen if that wasn’t weird. Hell, I’d get the image tattooed onto my skin if doing so didn’t make me seem like a raging lunatic.
I reach into his draw and search for a condom. I pull one out and rip it open as he leans up a little, just enough for me to roll it on, all the while he stares at my chest, groaning.
“I really want to play with them,” he says, biting my nipple through the material.
I grab his face and pull his lips to mine. “Not tonight,” I say. Implying what, I have no clue. All I know is that I need him. Now.
He grabs his length and presses it to my entrance. Pushing it inch by inch with agonising slowness. I groan into his lips as he fills me.
“Mallie. Fuck, you’re so tight,” he hisses.
Granted it has been a while since the last time I’ve had sex. In fact, he was the last boy I slept with, right before freshman year. Yeah, when I told him I hook up I never actually explained what that meant. He pushes himself all the way in, making an attempt to move. The veins in his arms strain as he forces himself to keep still, giving me time to adjust to his length. “Let me suck them, I’m begging you here.”
“I kind of like it when you beg,”
He leans down, hovering just over my left nipple, his breath tickling me. “Let me suck them and you’ll find out just what I’m willing to do to get what I want.”
I smile into his lips, slowly pulling down my cami to reveal my breasts, my nipples hard and pebbling. He smiles, leaning his head down and closes his lips around one nipple, pressing a quick kiss. It takes everything in me not to buck my hips off the mattress. He kisses it again, sucking gently on the pebble. I clench around his length at the feeling.
Fuck, It feels so good.
“I almost forgot how it feels.” I say.
“Hm?” He says, sucking a little harder.
“I forgot how good it feels to have you inside me. Move,” I say, kissing his collarbone as he leans his head into mine. “You can move in me now.”
And then he does.
My brain wakes up before I do. No doubt mentally preparing myself for what my eyes will see. A dishevelled, naked Ollie, sleeping on my chest, snoring softly, sighing in content.
But this time, it’s different. I don’t feel that extra weight on me. I don’t hear his soft snoring, and yes, he does snore, but the nice, quiet snore. I gather up the nerve to peek one eye open.
Nothing .
I sit up, looking around the room, and spot the mattress on the floor, empty. His gym bag, gone.
He must have left for practice already. I look down at me, and note the comforter, neatly tucked into my sides.
He tucked me in again.
I pull back the comforter, bringing my knees up against my chest. We had sex last night, and it felt so good being with him that way again. Being so close to him, cuddling him.
But then I remember the reason why. He was going to sleep with someone last night, so why not let it be me. But it cannot change the fact that if this happens again, it could crack the foundations of our friendship. This is going to ruin our friendship. Something bad will happen, I can feel it. Cole and I were friends first, then look what happened.
Ollie isn’t Cole. He has never been and will never be him. I know that. But maybe history has a point of repeating itself.
My phone buzzes on his nightstand.
Olive Oil
Dolcezza Mia, gone to early morning practice. Be back by 9.
Breakfast at Elise’s diner? Pancakes on me— my treat x
I take my phone and go into google translate. Something I should have done years ago.
Italian: Dolcezza Mia English Translation: My Sweetness.
My sweetness.
He’s been calling me that for three years?
Instead of helping me figure it out, I think this has confused me even more. I don’t know what he thinks about what happened last night. What if he thinks our friendship has entered a new level?A friends–with–benefits level. Or if he truly likes me, maybe he never stopped. But truthfully, I think I’ve been tricking myself for three years into thinking it could be more. That if something like this eventually would happen that I’d be okay with it. But I was wrong. So monumentally wrong.
It’s time I get a clue and accept life for what it is.
Oliver and I are just friends. And I need to make it clear to him, even if it makes me a coward.
Even if it kills me.