20. A Coward Breaking Ties and Hearts
20
A COWARD brEAKING TIES AND HEARTS
OLIVER
I spot the suitcases first. It’s like a gunshot wound to the heart. I can’t hear. I can’t think. I just start walking and somehow make it to the kitchen, to her. To the guilty look on her face. The fact she’s not looking at me.
She regrets it.
Yesterday I was in such a mood after the talk with the guys. Partly because of Quinny, but also because I knew I was a coward. I had the letter. I was ready to tell her. Then she looked at me, and I just couldn’t do it.
Her smile, her freckles, the little gold shimmer in those beautiful brown eyes would disappear when I told her I loved her, because she wouldn’t say it back.
So I sulked the rest of the night.
I was prepared to actually sleep on the blow up mattress when she kissed me after my shower.
One night.
She wanted me. She wanted one night of us, the way we were that summer. I'm not sure why. If she was horny and finally needed a release or if she was testing the waters. Whatever the reason, I wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth.
She wanted me, and fuck, I wanted her too. It was perfect.
And now? Now it feels like I’ve been shot, right in the chest.
“Mallory?” I manage to say, my voice hoarse.
She’s wearing her lilac sundress. The sundress she dubbed as her ‘official date dress’ in Sophomore year. I haven’t seen her wear it since then. Until now. My eyes roam her body until I see the movement of her hands. Her fingers twisting the ring I got her for her birthday last year. A green stone with a silver band, swirly carvings all around it. She never takes it off. But she does fiddle with it when she’s uncomfortable. I gesture to the suitcases behind me, begging for my voice to be calm and even.
“Going somewhere?”
“I’m going to stay at Jules’ dorm room for the rest of the week. Until my apartment is ready again.”
The silence breaks apart when we hear soft footsteps head upstairs, then the subtle noise of doors clicking shut.
“Is there anything I can do to convince you to stay?”
Mallory lets out an exasperated sigh. “Ollie, I–”
“Whatever you’re about to say, just please don’t say you regret last night. I’m begging you, here.”
“I don’t know what it was.”
That’s worse. Somehow, somehow , those words hit worse.
“I just, I don’t know what came over me, why It happened, why neither of us stopped it,”
“Because it felt natural!”
“But I don’t know why! We’re best friends–”
“We could be both.” I plead. This is it. Three years of pining for her, for loving her in secret. The romantic speech burning a hole right through the pocket of my gym shorts. But this is how it comes out. “We can be best friends and– ”
“And what Ollie? Because I – don’t know how to feel about this. I mean, Gus and I–”
“Fucking Gus ?” I roar. “We’re not talking about Gus right now.”
“But we should be! Because Gus and I are–” She closes her eyes, taking a breath. She opens them and a lone tear falls down her cheek. She gestures to the space separating us. It’s inches. But it feels like miles and miles, and I fucking hate it. “Too much is happening between us, with Gus and my parents and it’s messing with my head. We need to stick with what is going on. Gus and I are going on a date tonight. We’ll probably go on more. So it’s not right that I’m sleeping in another guy’s bed every night. Or in his house for that matter. So out of respect–”
“Mallory.”
“I’m going to Juliana’s.”
“Dolcezza mia, please .”
“I looked it up. I know what that means now. Yet I still don’t know what it means . I don’t think I know what you mean to me anymore. So I need some time.”
I’m still on her dad’s team. I’m in her classes. It’s not the end. We can’t get rid of each other even if we tried. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t crumble under the weight of her words.
“Maybe that summer was our one chance at this. And we both blew it. Maybe friends is how it’s supposed to be for us. We just need to accept it. Gus is sweet, and nice, and good for me. I deserve it. After everything, I deserve someone like him.”
Me. You deserve me. And I sure as hell deserve you.
“You’re a coward.” I say. She stiffens .
And without another word, she picks up her bag, walks to the front door and leaves my house. I don’t say anything either. I just pick up my gym bag, walk up the stairs, walk into my room and lock the door. Then I stare at my bed. I stare and I stare and I stare. Then I start removing my sheets, and pillowcases. Removing any trace that she was in my room.
That for one night, she was mine.
Because I lied to myself.
One night was never going to be enough.