22. A Very Clueless Moment
22
A VERY CLUELESS MOMENT
MALLORY
Gus closes his bedroom door. Soft music blaring in the background. There’s a party at some sorority today, so all of his frat brothers have gone. It’s just us in the entire house. Gus took me to an arcade for our date tonight. The date I asked for after I needed to clear my head. We went bowling and he patiently watched me attempt to win something from the claw machine for almost three hours.
It was a good date. And for the five hours we were there, I didn’t think about Ollie. Not once. Not even when I saw that one of the stuffed plushies was an Olive. Or that the bowling ball I chose was green. Or that the restaurant next to it was Italian – ok I thought about him a little. But give me a break, I literally did just move out today, and ended the potential relationship I’ve wanted for three years. I’m entitled to some grieving space.
“The music okay?” He says, kicking off his shoes. I nod, sitting on the edge of his double bed, trying to take off my boots gracefully but also in a way that doesn’t flash my panties – I didn’t wear shorts under my dress like I usually do. He sees me struggling and lets out a quiet laugh, kneeling in front of me to unlace my boots. I lean back, resting on my elbows, and just watch him.
Gus is hot. He is. But I’ve just never felt any sort of spark with him.
He’s around six foot one, with short–ish black hair. His date attire today is black jeans and a burgundy button down shirt that make his blue eyes pop. I knew his eyes were blue, obviously, but today, they’re bright blue. Like crystal–clear blue water from a tropical island. I think I could stare into his eyes and never get bored. I did that a lot today. Every time I stared into his eyes, he caught me, and I turned redder than a tomato. I think my cheeks just stayed red for the entire date.
He removes my final boot, his hands lingering on my calves, making no effort to remove them.
He slowly looks up at me, dragging his eyes over every inch of me. He drags his hand up my bare thigh until he lands just under the hem of my skirt. “The guys won’t be back for hours,” his eyes pierce through me, and I suddenly find myself squirming under his heated gaze. “May I?”
He rips his gaze from me and pays attention to my dress, like he’s holding himself back, waiting until I say yes. But more importantly, why am I overthinking this? A super hot guy who’s into me is begging me to lift up my dress, what is there to even think about? He looks up and I nod, letting him lift my skirt up all the way until my dress is over my head and on the floor. My shirt is next, which I take off myself. I take Gus’ hand and help him up.
He’s staring at me as I fumble to undo his belt buckle, which snaps him out of whatever trance I apparently put him in. Next thing I know, he’s stumbling through his shirt buttons, not even caring when he basically rips it off. I pull down his jeans and he steps out of it. We’re both standing here in our underwear, just looking at each other, and after what happened earlier with Ollie, sleeping with Gus was the last thing on my mind. I didn’t even think it would happen today. But I guess when it’s right, it’s right.
I reach up on my tiptoes to kiss him, placing both hands on either side of his cheeks. His hands immediately go to my waist, dragging them down to hoist me up, holding me in place with my thighs. Our lips and teeth fumble about as he leads us to the edge of his bed, softly pressing me against his mattress. Our lips break away as he trails kisses all over my jaw, dragging his teeth against my neck, down to my chest. He places soft kisses over my chest, leading down my stomach and stops at the edge of my panties. His teeth grace the tip of the lace as he looks up at me with hooded eyes.
“Can I?”
I look down at him, my chest rising and falling. I rake my eyes all over him. His pale chest is covered with freckles, stretching from his shoulders, down his chest, and dips under his boxers. That’s where my eyes land, his bulge straining against the fabric of his briefs.
I should be thinking about how much I wanna have sex with him, and I am, but then an unwelcome thought floats into my brain.
Ollie’s bigger.
Not that it matters. Despite what people say, size really doesn’t matter. I compose myself and pop those thoughts, shoving them away.
Gus. Gus is here . Focus on Gus and what his tongue wants to do to you.
“Yes.” I breathe, watching him peel my cotton panties down my body, throwing them off the bed. He grabs my legs, pulling me further into him .
He gives me a cheesy grin as his head dives down, giving me one long lick.
I close my eyes and moan, arching my back, pressing myself into him. He grips my thighs harder, keeping them in place as my legs start to shake. His tongue swirls around my clit, and just as he sticks one finger inside me, I moan a name.
Just not his.
Gus and I have been sitting on his bed in silence for what feels like an eternity.
Ok, it’s more like twenty minutes, but it feels longer. After the incident , it kind of killed the mood. Moaning another guy’s name while someone else goes down on you isn’t exactly sexy. He removed his head from between my thighs, bent down to pick up my underwear, dragged it back up my legs, and sat me up. Now I’m sitting against his headboard, my knees against my chest as I watch him slowly walk back and forth, like he’s been doing for the past century. Sorry, I mean twenty minutes.
“Do you want me to go?” I finally ask, after looking at him then quickly averting my eyes for the last five minutes.
Gus huffs out a sigh, turning to face me, his hands pressed into fists at his side.
“ I just – I feel like a fool, Mallory.”
“Gus,” I sigh, moving to the edge of the bed, closer to him.
“I thought you liked me.” He says. His voice is small, nothing like the confident Gus I’ve come to know. I did this.
“I do, I swear I do.” I reach out to clasp our hands together. He doesn’t pull away, so that’s something. “I do have feelings for you. You’re funny, smart, confident. I like you, I do.”
“I just, I want you to be honest with me, you owe me that, Mallory. Complete honesty.” I nod, feeling the little ball in my throat bob up and down. “Why did you agree to go out with me, when you’re in love with Oliver?”
Sorry, what?
I just blink at him, my mouthing hanging open like a fish. “I–I’m not in love with him, Gus.” He tilts his head to give me a look that says really?
“Fine. I might kind of sort of be in love with him – but he doesn’t like me back so it –”
“Mallory,” he says my name so quietly, so sweetly. “He’s always with you, he texts you all the time, talks to you during practice, shows up at your job. You call him whenever you have a problem, and he always shows up. He’s the first person you go to for everything, anything. I mean, you have so many friends and a dad with a house filled with a million rooms and yet you moved in with him when your apartment flooded.” I made the big girl decision to tell him, which now I regret. “Mallory, he’s your best friend and you lo ve him. I’ve been trying too hard to convince you to love me instead. But, I mean, I'm just confused about how you don’t see it.”
I frown at him. “What do you mean?”
“Mallory, he’s always there for you whenever you need him. I’ve seen him drop his friends mid hangout to return your call. He punched Nick after what he did to you at Marcus’ party. Then there’s the whole sports day thing. He was pissed whenever he saw us talking, and don’t mean a little miffed Mal, he looked like he was going to burn the entire field and everyone on it. He freaked the fuck out.”
I just blink at him, trying to process everything .
“He told me that day. He flat out told me he’s in love with you and he was going to tell you, but I assume he didn’t. Then that brings us to right now. You said his name, Mallory.”
Gus squeezes my hand before reluctantly letting go. “He’s in love with you, and you love him back, and that’s okay,” He leans down to kiss me on the cheek. “I’ll be okay.” He whispers.
I knew I loved him, but I had no idea he…
He doesn’t though. He couldn’t though… right?
“I’m sorry I – I need to go.” I whisper, feeling my cheeks heat up with embarrassment.
The door flings open after a beat. Juliana answers in turtle print pyjama shorts and an oversized sweatshirt that says ‘Castlewood High Hockey’. Her long strawberry blonde hair up in a messy bun, a frown etched on her face. She takes in my state. It’s raining heavily and rather than rush from the parking lot to her building, I just stood there, and let the rain consume me. Better that than my feelings. I look like a drowned rat right now, my mascara running down my cheek, my hair and dress sticking to me like a second skin.
“Mallory?” she says with concern in her voice.
Abi and Courtney rush to the door, both of them in their pyjamas too. Her roommate Clare is nowhere to be found.
“I love him.” I whimper, my chest heaving.
I am in love with my best friend. I love Oliver Ashby, and I think he might love me too.
And I ruined it.