23. I’ve Got My Girls
23
I’VE GOT MY GIRLS
MALLORY
I feel like I can’t breathe. I let Jules haul me into her room. I let them undress me and dry me off. I let them brush and braid my hair. I just sit there, and think. And think and think and think. We’re all huddled onto Juliana’s barely twin bed. I bring my knees up to my body, rest my chin on top.
“Mal, did something happen with Gus? Did the date not go okay?”
“I feel so stupid,” I whisper, letting the tears roll down my face. “I just – I didn’t see it, and I don't know why I didn't see it. Nick said it to me, right? And one time, sure it’s a coincidence, but Gus saying it too?" I shake my head. “Two times is not a coincidence, right?”
I look up to find them all gaping at me. “What on gods green earth are you talking about Mal? Weren’t you with Gus just now?” Jules asks.
I scoff. “Gus,” I nod. “Lovely Augustus Russo. Amazing Gus who takes me on dates, and buys me flowers and could really love me. Gus is kind to me, and can do some very good things with his tongue. But he… Gus isn’t Ollie.” There’s a be at of silence in the room, before Juliana whispers my name.
“Mallory,”
“I had a date with Gus, and we went back to his place, and he went down on me, and I moaned Oliver’s name.” I look up at them, note the looks of sympathy on their faces.
“Ollie and I had sex last night.”
“I’m sorry – what? ” Abi and Courtney are gaping. Jules looks like she’s fighting an internal battle on what to do. To be happy or surprised or excited.
“He got a text from Quinny. He was going to invite her over but she said no. I thought maybe he would ask someone else when he got out of the shower, so I started thinking that maybe if we slept together one time, It wouldn’t hurt our friendship, you know? We slept together that summer and we are still best friends. So I thought ‘hey, no harm, no foul’. But it was perfect and amazing and just… in the morning, I realised that maybe he thinks we’re best friends who can fuck and I don’t want that. I can’t separate my feelings from just sex, it’s the reason why I never had sex with Gus. But then he goes down on me, and I moan Ollie’s name and apparently, Ollie told Gus he’s in love with me and now I don’t know if everything he’s done for me is because he’s my best friend or because he’s in love with me, and I feel like everything’s a lie, and my brain hurts.”
“Can it be both?” Jules moves forward to wipe a tear from my face. “Can he love you and think of you as his best friend?”
“I don’t know if I can handle it.” I say.
“I get that. Your friendship with him is different to us. If you went there with him,and something happened – it would’ve been too big a loss for you to bear.
“You think he loves me?” I ask no–one in particular .
“He’d be a fool not to,” Court adds.
“What do I do?” I whisper.
“Well,” Abi sends a text, turning her phone off. “Marcus told me he’s having another party tomorrow.”
“We can get the boys to come,” Jules says.
“You can tell him, Mal. Once and for all, just tell him you love him. End this torment.”
“What if he doesn’t love me back?”
“He’ll still be your best friend. He’ll always be your best friend.”
I take a deep breath. “Okay, so, tomorrow – tomorrow I work up the courage to tell my best friend I'm in love with him. And tonight–”
“Tonight,” Juliana finishes. “We raid my freezer and Clare’s junk food drawer, watch whatever we want, stay up until our eyes physically can’t stay open, and we forget about it. How does that sound?”
I smile lightly. “It sounds like I don’t deserve you guys.”
They all move in closer, hugging every inch of me.
“No, Mallory. It’s us who don’t deserve you.”