24. Great Declarations
24
GREAT DECLARATIONS
MALLORY
This is a bad idea. The worst idea in the history of bad ideas.
It’s been a few days since the whole Gus date disaster. He’s texted me a few times, checking up on me, and I reply with the most basic reply each time.
Same with Ollie, but with him I didn’t respond most days. He knows I’m alive because of Juliana. She hangs out with Cory a lot, normally at the house, so I'm assuming they’ve been grilling her with details about my disastrous date with Gus. And probably about what happened in Ollie’s room.
I told the girls not to mention anything to the boys, but I’m not sure if Ollie did the same. Jules and Court said that neither Cory or Shawn have brought it up. Court wouldn’t say anything, but it’s Juliana I'm worried about. Though she promised not to say a word, I kind of don’t believe her. She won’t say a word to Tommy, no way. But Cory is a whole different story.
When I showed up at her dorm that day, she sat with me all night after Abi and Court went to bed. The next day when the girls left, Juliana didn’t leave my side.
I didn’t really leave her couch except to go to class, but even then, I showed up late so I would be forced to sit at the back, and away from Ollie. I thought that would work. That was the plan. But when we had class, the day after what I'm now naming d – day, he made some random boy switch seats so he could sit next to me. I could feel his green eyes bore a hole straight into my soul. I could feel his frown, smell his citrus cologne. Every time he asked if we could talk I just shook my head, no verbal response. I didn’t trust myself to reply without my voice shaking. My body after all, is not my own, as we previously know. As soon as the bell rang I ran. I ran faster than anyone on the track team, ignoring him calling my name.
It hurt when I knew I had feelings for him and he didn’t return them. But now that I can’t deny I love him? Just being in his presence makes my heart crack in two. Which brings us back to the bad idea. Here I stand, outside Marcus’ house, once again, dreading going inside. But this time, it’s for a different reason.
I’m going to tell my best friend I love him, even when I know he won’t say it back.
I turn around, facing the road. “Fuck this, I’m going home.”
Juliana immediately turns me back around. “Oh no you don’t. We’ve spoken about this. You can do it. Just go in there, have a drink, find him, apologise for sleeping with him then going AWOL on him, then tell him you love him.”
That was supposed to be the plan but then I walked inside, I saw him. He frowned at me, and walked away, which prompted me to spin on my heels and walk back outside. God, I'm pathetic.
“He’s not going to say it back.”
“You don’t know what he’s going to do, Mal. That’s the problem,” she moves around me, facing me. Looking up at me. Juliana is small. Like five–foot–four small.
“You need to tell him how you feel. It’s going to eat you to death if you don’t.”
She’s right, of course she is. But that doesn't make it any less hard. Juliana grabs my face, pulling my eyes back to hers. She has a look on her face. A look that says she knows something I don’t, but I can't put my finger on what it is.
“Look at me. You are Mallory fucking Grace. Anyone would be insane not to love you, including him. Now remember that no matter what he does or says, you can do this. You have you, and that’s what matters. You’re you, and he’s just a man.”
But the thing is, he’s not. He’s not just some guy. He’s Oliver. My Olive Oil. Without him, I’m just a hollow shell. That’s why I’m so scared.
I’m scared of never seeing those gorgeous green eyes the same way. Never seeing his dimples appear when he smiles at me. Never hearing him call me Marshmallory and him laughing at the fact nobody knows why he calls me that, even now.
I’m scared he’s never going to call me Dolcezza mia again.
But most of all, I’m scared of this ending. Because I don’t want it to. Ever.
“Be brave Mallory, and just go for it.”
Be brave. Right. I can do that. I can be brave. This is nothing. I can do it. We nod at each other as she hooks my arm around hers, walking in side by side. Mostly because it’s started raining and I'd rather not declare my love for my best friend looking like a drowned rat.
We walk in, heads up, looking confident. Today’s outfit of choice is a Dark purple and black slip dress, with a white short sleeve top under it, paired with some fishnet tights and my usual docs. I’m wearing a chunky cardigan over it, but I’ll take it off as soon as I see him. We spot the boys, huddled in the corner and I make a b–line for them.
“Hey girls, you both look awesome. Especially you, Mallie–moo.”
“Thanks, Shawny. Where did Ollie go?” I ask, though judging by the pinched expression on his face, I wish I didn’t. He rubs the back of his neck, looking at something. I follow his eyeline. Then I see him.
He’s in the corner, kissing Quinny. Her hands are planted on his cheeks. His hands, on her waist. My heart rips clean out of my body, and smashes itself against the floor. Again. And again. And again.
“I blew it.” I whisper, hoping I said it in my head, but judging by everyone’s expression, I did in fact, say it out loud.
“Mallie,” Courtney moves away from Shawn to rub a soothing hand down my back. “It's fine, you can still tell him.” I don’t even care about the boys being here right now. They probably know. Everyone probably knows I have the hots for my best friend, and he doesn’t love me back. They’ve probably laughed about it. I slowly back away, still gaping at them. Ollie breaks away first, looking at Quinny’s smiling face. Then he turns to face me.
“What’s the point? He moved on. I waited too long. I–” I let out an exasperated sigh, blinking away the tears. “I blew it.” I turn around and bolt out of the house, running down the road in the rain .
Why do I always fuck things up?
After about ten minutes of walking in the rain and feeling sorry for myself, I thought about getting an uber. But being out in the rain is my punishment. It’s what I deserve for waiting too long. I let the water stick to me, dripping all over me.
I couldn’t care less.
He was with Quinny.
I missed my chance.
As I sulk my way down the path, trying my hardest not to slip in a puddle, I get blinded by someone’s headlights. I stop and cover my eyes with my forearm, but when I hear the window rolling down, I take a peak and almost slip and fall into a puddle.
“Ollie?”
I slowly lower my arm down. He came after me . He came after me to… explain why he was kissing Quinny. Fantastic. I turn around and keep walking.
“Go away, Ollie, I’m not in the mood.”
He came after me.
“Why did you leave the party Mallory, what happened?”
As if you care.
“Nothing Ollie, just – go back to the party, okay? I’m going home.”
“Get in, I–I’ll take you home.”
“No.” I walk a little faster, as fast as I can without slipping and breaking my neck. But then I hear tires sliding against the road. He’s following me. “This is stalker behaviour, Ashby, and you know it. ”
“Get in my truck, Mallory. You’re getting drenched and your makeup is running.”
“Wow, you really know how to compliment a woman, Quinny is a lucky girl.” That part I said with a bit too much bitchiness, but who cares.
“Mallory.”
“Just leave me alone, Ollie! I’m perfectly fine walking! Now go away.”
“Get in or I’m putting you in myself.”
I scoff his statement away. Ollie’s a nice guy, but he’s not capable of –
I suddenly find myself being hauled off the ground and onto his shoulder. I’m slapping his back, kicking and screaming, but he’s so muscly, I doubt he’s even feeling it. “I told you I would get you into my truck.”
He eventually puts me down, and I slap his chest, pushing him back. “What the fuck is your problem?” I scream.
“My problem? My problem is you! I don’t understand what happened, Mal. One day we were fine, then we slept together, you moved out and flat out stopped talking to me! I mean, I don’t understand what I did, Mallory.” his eyes are pleading, his curls wet and drenched just above his eyelids. “Just – just tell me what I did wrong, so I can fix it. Was it that night?” His voice shakes slightly as he says “Was it the sex?”
You didn’t do anything. That’s the problem.
“No, of course not! It’s not the sex, never the sex. I just – Quinny Cooper, really?” That’s probably not the thing to be focusing on, but we’re rolling with it.
He offers me a blank stare, matching my energy. “Gus Russo, really?”
“That’s not fair. ”
“Oh fair , you want to talk about fair? You think prancing around with Gus in front of me, listening to you fucking giggle over him is fair? It’s been fucking torture Mallory.”
“Yeah you seemed to be in so much pain with Quinny Cooper’s tongue half way down your fucking throat.”
“Because you’re with Gus–”
“I’m not with fucking Gus!”
“Seeing you with him, kissing him. I’ve been living in my own personal hell all semester. Knowing you still kissed him after we kissed during spin the bottle was torture. Then we kiss for real. We finally have sex and be together, and you fucking move out.” His voice quietens the longer he speaks.
“Looking at me is torture? Is that why you walked away as soon I stepped through the fucking door just now?”
“As soon as I saw you, I knew I had to talk to Quinny, I had to –”
“What Ollie?” I practically scream, moving further into the deserted road. “Please tell me what was so important, because I can tell you, it’s not more important than what I came to that party to tell you.”
“And what’s that, hm?” He shouts.
“Telling you that I’m in love with you! I’m completely and utterly in love with you!”
I said it. In one breath. And now he’s gaping at me. Now would be a really good time to spontaneously combust.
“I have loved you since before freshman year. Since you tried out for the team, and you were so nervous that you fell the moment you stepped on the ice, and everyone laughed, but that didn’t stop you. You didn’t even blink. You cover people’s drink when they ask you to hold it. You listen to what people say, and you remember the small details. You love Marvel and baking and Italian food. You have a nose that is way too large for your face but it works for you, and I just… love you. You make me feel heard and seen, always have. You make me feel better by just being in the same room as me. By just knowing your eyes are on me. I love everything about you, Oliver. And I’m so sorry for not saying anything to you until now. I’m sorry for being so stupid and blind, but I was scared.”
I said it. I just told my best friend the things I've been holding in for three years, and he’s not speaking. He hasn’t moved, twitched, blinked, breathed. Nothing
Hades, if you’re listening, please open up the ground so it can swallow me.
“He kissed me, and I pictured you.” I blurt out, and he quickly closes his mouth. He finally goes to speak, and I cut him off. I should let him talk, but I’m on a roll now – there’s no going back after this, so I might as well go all in. “Gus kissed me, he was kissing me, then he… went down on me.” I wince. I probably could’ve left that part out. No going back now. “I thought of you. I always think of you. I feel you and hear you and see you everywhere. Fucking everywhere. It’s annoying! It’s so annoying because I liked you but then you basically friendzoned me so I had no choice to go back to Cole. Then halloween happened, and you friendzoned me. Again. So now, thinking about it, at this moment, I think we kind of have a recurring pattern so please don’t friendzone me again.”
I’m shouting and waving my hands around and it’s not the best thing to do when declaring your love for the boy you’ve loved since you were eighteen. I finally get the nerve to look him in the eye, and I can’t for the life of me figure out what he’s thinking. Now would be a really great time to acquire superpowers.
“Can I talk now?”
Four fucking words. He said four words and my knees feel like giving in. I swallow, nodding frantically. Ollie takes a step forward, and I don’t back away.
“I had to tell Quinny she has no chance with me because I’m in love with you.” He says all this in one breath, like me. Like he’s been holding it in for so long that he feels scared not to say it, just in case I disappear. “I am completely and utterly in love with you, Mallory. Of course I am, and I have been since before freshman year. Since the first time I laid eyes on you, I knew.” I just blink at him. “Since that summer. Since you first got with Gus, before you moved into my house, before the bet. Before–” He physically shivers. “Before the whole Jackass Jensen mess. Before everything. It always has been and will always be you.”
“But, Quinny–”
“She kissed me .” He moves a step closer, cupping my cheeks with his hands. “ I told her I was in love with you, and she said she wanted a goodbye kiss. She just kissed me, it lasted less than a second – I didn't enjoy it, because I’m always thinking about you too. Now that I’m thinking about it, she probably only kissed me because she saw you enter the room.”
“Say it again.”
He stares down at me, smirking. He moves the hair stuck to my face, courtesy of the rain. I move my hands to his face, moving his curls away from his sparkling green eyes. He leans in till our noses touch.
“I love you, Dolcezza mia. Always.”
I smile. “I love you, too. My Olive Oil.”
He looks into my eyes, then kisses me.
The thing about kissing in the rain is that it’s messy. You’re both wet, your clothes sticking to each other, there’s water everywhere, and you just assume it’s a bad kiss.
Unless it's with the right person .
He hoists me up, my legs wrapping around his waist as he deepens the kiss, coaxing my lips apart with his tongue. He caresses my face as our mouths mesh together. It feels so right, so perfect, like our mouths fit perfectly with each other. If it wasn’t raining, I'd be convinced that fireworks went off around us. It’s an earth shattering kiss, one I don’t want to end.
Until I realise it’s raining. And I'd rather we don’t both get pneumonia. Something he realises too. He breaks away first, breathing heavily, his heart hammering against his chest, like mine.
“Can we go back to your house, please?” I whisper
“Fuck, yes.”