Chapter 9 #2
Nolan had taken a seat on the couch, and, even though Kai was sure he was still mad, his presence was soothing.
The longer they sat in silence, the quieter his brain and body became.
Even his dick had got the memo that this was not the time.
That quiet was probably the reason Kai hadn’t said fuck it and walked out.
It also helped that this bond between him and Nolan felt like an anchor.
With his brain clearer, he turned his attention to that sensation in his chest. It felt like anger but without the heat.
That didn’t make any sense. He cast around, thinking about being in the store, trying to figure out where it all went wrong.
It felt like wanting something and not being able to have it.
Like not being able to move. Yeah, like being stuck because he felt pulled in too many directions.
That was it. He wanted to move, but he couldn’t, and it was so fucking frustrating.
His attention caught on that word. Anger without the heat was frustration?
Kai didn’t know. He wasn’t getting the words right, but it felt like he was circling close to something.
He prodded a little more at it, like a loose tooth, drawing sensation out of it.
Trying to make it tell him… something. It wasn’t just Liam and Nolan and the other guys.
Somewhere in there was what he wanted for himself, separate from them.
But what did he want? When was the last time he’d even thought about that?
A timer went off, jarring Kai from his thoughts.
“Come here, Kai.” Nolan’s voice was soft.
Kai got unsteadily to his feet, still feeling ridiculous at his semi-nude state.
“Kneel.”
Kai sank to his knees between Nolan’s parted thighs, and Kai found that he liked it there. It felt comforting and safe. “Hands behind your back.”
Kai did as he was told. He didn’t look at Nolan but could feel his eyes on him. He waited and waited, but when Nolan continued to sit in silence, Kai felt compelled to say something.
“I’m sorry I pushed you, and I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you.” He looked up at Nolan, trying to convey how sorry he was and read his mood.
Nolan nodded thoughtfully. “Do you believe that I was trying to buy you?”
“No.”
“What do you believe?”
“That you were being nice.”
Nolan hummed with approval. “Have other people treated you that way before, Kai?” His voice was gentle, and Kai felt a hot pulse of guilt.
Yes, they had, but Kai couldn’t admit that to Nolan without also admitting that he had invited it, had made using men for what they were willing to part with ninety percent of the reason he was with them to begin with.
He didn’t want to give Nolan a reason to end this before he was ready to let him go.
“Answer me.”
“Yes, Daddy.” Kai didn’t look at him, and the words were barely a whisper.
It was both a truth and a lie, but it felt more like a lie.
For some reason, it felt like being back at the Lego store when Nolan had offered to buy him more.
His body trembled like it was physically rejecting the lie.
“I let them. I wanted it,” he blurted. He didn’t know where the words came from, only that the dishonesty felt like it was contaminating something perfect, and it felt even worse than the risk of being dumped.
“Sometimes I tricked them.” The trembling morphed into full-on shaking that Kai couldn’t control.
It took a second for him to label the source.
It was fear. Kai was more terrified of losing Nolan than he’d been in a long time.
The idea of going back to that empty numbness felt even worse now that he’d experienced this connection with Nolan.
His hands fell to the rug, fisting into it as he tried to keep them still.
“Tricked them?”
“Sometimes I made them think I cared more than I did.” Kai couldn’t look at him. The shame was too much, and he didn’t want to see the moment when Nolan stopped wanting him.
“Was that your plan here? With me?” Nolan’s voice was harsh, like he was asking a question he wasn’t sure he wanted the answer to. Kai had to look at him then. Had to show him that he was telling the truth.
“I knew you were going to be at the club, but I didn’t know that I was going to like you.
Last night, I realized how much I like you, even though I know you deserve someone better than me.
Someone who didn’t have to lie and steal and do all sorts of fucked up things to get by.
I thought I could be with you and not do those things, but then you offered to buy me stuff and I lost it because I don’t want to use you.
I just want to be with you. The way you told me we could be together yesterday. ”
Nolan stared, his eyes raking over Kai’s face like he was checking for the truth. It felt like he was staring at Kai forever, and Kai just needed him to say something even if he was terrified of what that could be.
“I believe you.”
“You do?”
“I do.”
Kai scrambled up onto Nolan’s lap, the weight of everything he’d been carrying slipping from his shoulders and unleashing a dam he hadn’t known existed.
He gripped Nolan’s shirt like he was trying to tether them together, holding on with everything he had as he ugly-cried into his neck, his body expelling all of his fear and anxiety the only way it could.
Nolan’s arms went around him, working under his shirt to stroke his back while he held Kai tight against his chest. Kai didn’t know how long he stayed that way, crying like he had the first night he’d been on the streets alone—worse, because there was nothing silent about these tears.
At long last, they slowed, and he could hear the soft shushing sounds Nolan was making as he tried to comfort him.
When was the last time he’d been held like this?
When had he last been this vulnerable? He couldn’t say he loved it, but it was a relief to just be.
To not worry about having his guard up. To not worry about things he couldn’t say.
“Better?”
Kai nodded, weakly, but he was not ready to move.
All of his limbs felt heavy and loose, and he was only barely aware of being semi-dressed.
None of it mattered at all. Hell, he was perfectly happy to live out the rest of his existence right here without the weight of the world on him.
The strong ridge of Nolan’s shoulder and the heat of his skin against Kai’s was all of the sustenance he needed.
Kai made a sound of protest when Nolan shifted him off of his lap and onto the couch.
He tracked him as Nolan retrieved Kai’s pants and boxers.
He handed them to Kai, then disappeared into the kitchen while Kai got dressed.
When he came back, it was with tissues and a glass of water.
Kai accepted both as Nolan took a seat beside him again, half-turned so that he could look at Kai.
Kai didn’t like it. He felt exposed, facing him this way.
He pulled his legs into his chest, making himself smaller, waiting for whatever was coming next.
“Kai, I’m not going to judge you for doing whatever you needed to survive, but I can’t be in a relationship with someone I can’t trust.”
Kai’s shoulders slumped, a crushing weight settling on his chest, a fresh round of tears welling in his eyes.
“I’m willing to forward you that trust, but the first time I get the sense that you’re not who you say you are, we’re done. Am I clear?”
Kai’s gaze snapped to Nolan. He was giving him a chance. Elation ripped through him.
“Yes!”
“Yes?” A small smile played at the corner of Nolan’s mouth.
“Yes, Daddy.”
Nolan hummed again. It was a sound that Kai was quickly becoming addicted to.
“Come here.”
Kai launched himself at Nolan, knocking him backwards and landing on top of him, making him laugh. Kai kissed him hard.
“Thank you,” he said, trying to infuse the depth of his gratitude and his relief into those two words.
“You want to be my good boy, right?”
“More than anything in the world.”
“I want that too, baby. I’m going to help you be the best boy.”
“I don’t want you to buy me things. I just want this. Can I have that?” Kai didn’t want to worry about whether or not he was using Nolan or if Nolan thought he was being used. The only way to do that was to remove the issue altogether.
Nolan frowned. “I don’t know if I can agree to not spoiling my boy occasionally. What if we agree that I can buy you the occasional treat for you to enjoy when we’re together?”
Kai thought about it. “Maybe I can earn them?”
Nolan’s eyebrows lifted, and Kai blushed.
“Not for, like, sex or whatever! I mean if I’m good or something.”
Nolan hummed, and Kai felt it rumble through his chest, perched on top of him as he was.
“I like that.” Nolan kissed him, and Kai’s lips clung to his. This time, Nolan deepened it, kissing him slow.
“I’m sorry I ruined our day,” Kai said when they finally parted.
“You didn’t ruin anything. There’s still lots of day left.”
Kai’s eyes widened hopefully. “Really?”
“Yeah. Come on, let’s go try this again.”
Kai moved to sit up, but Nolan held him in place. “Kai, I’m glad you were honest with me. I want this to work.”
Kai flushed, shy but also pleased. “Me too. More than anything.”
“And I’m proud of how well you took your punishment.”
More heat flooded into Kai’s cheeks. Kai could see the truth of it on Nolan’s face. It had been a long time since anyone had said they were proud of him.
“I think it helped. Like it made my head clear.”
“It sounds like some quiet time was exactly what you needed.” Nolan smiled, and Kai nodded.
“Alright, boy. Let’s get going.”