Chapter 10 #2
They were loitering now. Neither of them were really ready to say goodbye even though they’d agreed to part ways after lunch.
Nolan had wanted to drive him home, but Kai wasn’t ready for his two worlds to intersect.
He wasn’t sure if he wanted to see the look on Nolan’s face when he saw their busted-out trailer.
Would he feel pity or would it be disgust?
It didn’t matter; the idea of both made shame burn his face.
Kai was also pretty sure he was in deep shit for being M.I.A. for two days, and there was no telling how that was going to play out.
When they couldn’t put it off any longer, they got to their feet.
Before Kai could take a step from the table, though, Nolan flagged their server for a pen and scribbled his phone number onto a bar napkin.
Kai stared down at the drying blue ink, trying to engrave the digits into his memory before carefully folding the napkin and tucking it into his pocket.
When they got outside, Nolan wrapped his arm around Kai’s waist, pulling him up against him. “It’s crazy that I’m not ready to let go yet, right?”
“I get it. I’m charming as fuck.” Kai grinned through a blush.
Nolan mirrored it back. “You are charming. And sweet. I’m going to miss the hell out of you this week.”
Kai wanted to say it back, but the words felt like it didn’t properly describe the frustration vibrating through him.
It felt like they’d somehow been wrapped up tight in rubber bands these last two days, and now pulling apart stretched the bands too thin.
He didn’t know how to say all of those things, so instead he went a little more pink and said, “Same,” so awkwardly it sounded disingenuous even to his own ears.
When Nolan kissed him, he tried to pour all of those feelings into it.
Tried to memorize the shape of his mouth and the sensation of them moving against his, his beard scraping against Kai’s face.
They broke apart and Kai turned to walk away, swearing, with every step, that he could feel that elastic tightening, trying to pull him back. Maybe he would get a new phone. He glanced over his shoulder to where Nolan was watching him, his hands shoved into his jean pockets.
Maybe. If he could find a way to pay for it.
“What the fuck were you thinking?” Kai almost landed on his ass when Liam’s hands connected with his chest. He’d come flying out of the trailer, t-shirtless and barefoot, jeans slung low and rage vibrating in the air around him. “Two fucking days and you don’t fucking call?”
“Why the fuck did you leave me at the fucking club then?” Kai shoved him back, anger replacing the guilt he’d been nurturing and taking an immediate leap from zero to ten.
It had taken Kai a few hours to walk home, and it was early evening now.
Kai was tired and irritable, and, even though he’d known he’d have to deal with Liam’s bullshit, he still managed to not be fully prepared.
“So you could fix your fuck-up! You fucking know better!” Liam shouted, shoving him again, getting right into Kai’s face.
“Liam! Not in front of the boys.” Jason, one of their roommates, had followed Liam out of the trailer but stood behind the railing on the tiny porch, watching the scene unfold.
Liam glared at Kai, letting him know this wasn’t over.
Kai shoved past him, taking care to slam into his shoulder on his way.
He met Jason’s assessing stare briefly before walking by him.
Justin, Casey and Callum were crowded behind the screen door, trying to see what was going on.
“You brought food?” Casey’s eyes lit up, going from concerned to excited in the span of a second.
“What did you get?” Callum asked. Kai dropped his haul onto the small ledge that was their kitchen counter and the three boys descended on it like wolves.
“Italian,” Kai answered, throwing himself onto the hard-ass couch.
The trailer technically had two rooms and a kitchen table that could convert into another bed whenever they were desperate.
The cushions were gone before they’d rented the shit box, but it was better than the murky grey, orange carpet that probably hadn’t been cleaned since before any of them were born.
Jason and Justin shared the bigger of the rooms. Technically, the other room was Liam’s, but the twins used it more often than not.
The couch was Kai’s. Even with the busted frame that caused the cushions to sink in the centre, Kai had slept in far worse places.
“What’s this?” Callum’s face twisted into a mask of disgust as he looked into the small container with leftover caprese salad.
“Vegetables. You should try them sometime. Plates?” Jason remarked, now back inside to direct the chaos.
Justin was the only one who acknowledged him with a shake of his head, his mouth already full of lasagna.
It wasn’t a ton of food, but they all knew to make sure they left a little of something for everyone.
That didn’t mean they wouldn’t eat their share right out of the takeout containers though, their forks battling for dominance.
Liam had followed Jason inside, still glaring, but Kai knew his curiosity would get the better of him.
“So what did you get?”
“Nothing.” Kai shrugged.
“The fuck do you mean, you got nothing?”
“That’s what I mean. We just hung out. He’s nice.
” Kai could feel Liam’s stare boring through him but resolutely didn’t look his way.
The only way to deal with Liam was to make sure he didn’t get anything he could work with.
Jason munched on the overlooked caprese salad, but he was staring at Kai in the same assessing way.
Jason was Liam’s polar opposite. Where Liam was chaos, Jason was steady.
He was the oldest, at twenty-seven, and ninety-five percent of the reason the adult shit, like rent and bills, got paid.
When he stared at Kai like that, it made him feel like Jason saw more than Kai was ready to share.
“Do you fucking like him?” Liam spat out the word like it was dirty, his face twisted in a mix of scorn and incredulity.
“Liam.” Jason said his name like a warning.
“I’m just saying that if we can’t make rent this month because this guy has a crush, I’d like to know now instead of the last fucking minute.” Jason and Liam squared off, Liam’s face angry and stubborn and Jason’s wordlessly telling him to dial it the fuck down.
“You can’t make rent?” Casey interrupted, eyes wide, worry and fear freezing him in place. Callum stopped mid-chew, immediately concerned.
“I’ll have it,” Kai inserted quickly. “I’ll call Freddy and see if he’s got anything for me.”
Liam stared him down for what felt like a full minute, and this time, Kai forced himself to mirror the glare.
Liam scoffed and stormed out, slamming the screen door, letting it ricochet off the porch railing with a crash.
The room was silent. Kai glanced at the twins, catching them as they exchanged worried looks.
Kai jumped off the couch, wrapping an arm around both of them and ruffling their hair.
“Don’t stress. Liam’s just being a dick. We’re gonna make rent. Don’t we always?” He ignored the hollow sensation in his chest. Sure, it was the twenty-fourth, and he was still three hundred short, but he’d figure it out. He’d done it before.
He thought about the Lego store, how he had been so close to not even having to worry about this right now.
Maybe if he’d just asked Nolan for the cash…
no. Kai didn’t want this thing with Nolan to be contaminated with money.
He didn’t want to feel like Nolan had bought him.
Being with him this weekend had felt like a brief reprieve from all of this bullshit and he was desperate to hold onto that feeling for as long as he could.
Heavy rock music from next door blasted into the trailer, and Kai’s stomach dipped even more.
This was how most nights escalated. Riley, the twins’ mother, and her boyfriend, Dom, would have a few drinks.
Some of their friends would stop by, and when they were all happily buzzed, the music would start and the drugs would come out.
By morning, Riley would either be sporting fresh bruises from whatever fight she and Dom had or she’d be so fucked up that she wouldn’t wake up until well past noon.
“Can we stay here tonight?” Casey asked quickly, his face pained as he looked pleadingly towards Jason.
“Of course.” Jason kept his voice light, but when he glanced at Kai, it was all of his own feelings mirrored back at him. Sadness and frustration, wishing they could make things better or easier even while they were barely keeping their own heads above water.
“Let me borrow your phone?” Kai asked. Jason slid it over, and Kai pulled up Freddy’s phone number, taking the call outside.
Freddy owned a small handyman shop, but every once in a while he’d have just a little too much on his plate and Jason, Kai or Liam would help him out a bit.
Freddy picked up on the third ring and then quickly let him down.
“I’m sorry, man. Things have been pretty slow around here but if anything comes up I’ll let you know.”
Kai thanked him and hung up. He leaned his forearms against the railing, digging the corner of the phone into his forehead like it could mine a solution out of his brain. It was impossible.
His thoughts drifted to the napkin in his pocket. It felt like it was burning a hole there, tempting him to take it out and call Nolan just to hear the sound of his voice, to let him soothe Kai’s anxiety. He slipped his hand into his pocket feeling the soft paper between his fingers.
“Anything?” Jason asked, pushing the screen door open and joining Kai on the landing outside. Kai yanked his hand out of his pocket as though Jason had caught him jerking off. Kai shook his head.
“Don’t worry about it. We’ll figure it out. I’ll reach out to some of the other guys tomorrow, yeah?”
Kai nodded. He could feel Jason’s eyes boring into the side of his head as he leaned back against the railing, watching him.
“So you like this guy?”
“He’s nice.” Kai shifted uncomfortably. He didn’t know why he kept saying that. It was such a tepid description for all of what Nolan was. Strong. Kind. Sweet. Romantic. Sexy. Caring. Gentle. Hot.
Jason chuckled. “I’m glad. Don’t listen to Liam, alright? You’re allowed to have something that’s just yours.”
Kai didn’t even know what that meant. None of them had anything that wasn’t shared. Some of his confusion must have shown. Jason shifted his position, turning to face him. “You know I appreciate everything you and Liam do to help me with the boys, but the truth is they’re not your responsibility.”
Kai felt like he’d been sucker-punched, his gut clenching against the sudden attack, his heart rate ratcheting up as a storm exploded inside him.
“What the fuck are you talking about, Jay? You guys are my fucking brothers. All of you.” Kai glared at him, jaw out, daring him to contradict him. Instead, Jason wrapped a hand around the back of his head, bringing their foreheads together.
“You’re my brother too. Being brothers means wanting everything for each other. If this is your chance to be happy, to get the fuck out of here and you don’t take it because of some misguided sense of responsibility, I’m going to beat the shit out of you. Do you hear me?”
He released Kai and went back inside without another word.
Kai didn’t even know what to say to that.
Jason was right, he guessed. He wanted only good things for his brothers.
If it had been any of them in his position, he would have been ecstatic for them.
It just felt scary, like he was in danger of leaving them behind.
That was such a stupid thought. Kai would never leave his brothers behind, but it didn’t quite do away with the anxious feeling in his belly that things could change. And that was terrifying.