CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
SEAN
I tried not looking at him because every time I did, intrusive thoughts and images of what our life together could be like invaded my mind.
It was far too easy to picture us sharing dinner and watching a movie before I went to work.
And when I came home, he was naked in my bed, waiting for me.
On my days off maybe we wasted a few hours in the library or took a walk along the shore of Lake Michigan.
He’d play piano for me, the hours slipping by as I got to spend some time in Nirvana with him.
What bothered me the most, was just how quickly and easily I’d broken my promise. But sex with him didn’t feel casual and it was messing with my mind.
I nudged him and he looked at me with those big beautiful brown eyes, fringed with sooty lashes that absolutely stole my breath away.
I could remember a time not so long ago when he’d peered at me with contempt, now all I saw was–well, I wasn’t sure I had a name for the way he was looking at me.
Now that things had progressed, he appeared so much more alive.
Everything about him was fascinating to me.
“Our stop is coming up,” I said.
He pushed his headphone down around his neck and nodded. I pulled the bell, and we exited the bus.
The afternoon was bright, cloudless, and freezing, the wind nipping at my exposed earlobes and nose.
I’d almost decided to stay in, but I really wanted Matteo to see my surprise.
He pushed his arm between my body and wrapped it around my elbow, his teeth chattering.
I liked that he touched me easily, without thinking twice as if it was a natural inclination.
Our destination was the LGBTQ center a block over where I volunteered, mostly talking to kids about safe sex and drugs.
The center used to be an old-fashioned theater.
The marquee was painted the colors of the rainbow and outfitted with positive sayings.
When he saw it, his expression lit up and I hated that he’d been sheltered from the amazing things in this world.
“Are we seeing a movie or something?” he inquired.
“No, this is the LGBTQ Center of Lake View. It used to be an old theater, obviously. I’d started volunteering several years ago for a few reasons.
One, I wanted to give back and pay it forward.
Two, after a fifteen-year-old boy was found in a club, dead from an overdose, I knew something needed to change.
While I suggest abstinence, I know that isn’t realistic.
A lot of kids that hang out here come from broken homes and have more problems than just being bullied and rejected because they are gay or trans, or different.
They’re going to do drugs no matter what I or anyone else says.
It’s the nature of teenagers. So, I started preaching drug safety.
Things like how to spot bad batches, or what to do if someone is overdosing.
If I manage to save one kid, it’s all worth it. ”
He looked at me for a long moment and I had no idea what he was thinking. “You take your Buddhist doctrine seriously, huh?”
I shrugged. “Maybe. I just like being a good person. Anyway, let’s get inside before our nuts freeze off.”
It was usually quiet this early, the kids that sought shelter during the night out doing what they did, and the volunteers and workers in their offices on the second floor.
I led Matteo toward the back, but he was distracted by the old architecture of the theater, his head swiveling around, a gentle smile curled on his lips.
“I always dreamed of playing in the Palau de la Música Catalana,” he muttered and closed his eyes. “The golden light filling every corner, endless rows of red chairs, the glittering chandeliers…”
“You talk as if you have been there,” I said.
“Only in my mind. And in pictures. My grandmother was there once,” he said and caught up to me. “One day, maybe.”
I threw my arm around his shoulders. “For now, old, and charming theaters. I’m sure the mice will enjoy your rendition of “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy”.”
He smiled and I led him to the rec room. It was a lounge with long tables for playing board games with a television in one corner and an aging gaming system.
Danny and Jere’s voice drifted to me, their laughter and teasing banter hitting home. I’d told Danny I’d be stopping by the center today and since it had been too long since we’d hung out, I’d suggested we meet up.
He was leaning against a desk, Jere between his legs as they bickered about something, two seconds away from getting frisky. I cleared my throat good-naturedly.
“Sean!” Danny exclaimed, smiling brightly as he spotted me. Those dimples creased his cheeks and with a mop of russet hair and baby-blue eyes, he reminded me of summer sunshine. He had no idea how nice it was to see him smile again.
I rushed to him before he could get off the desk he was lounging on and hugged him tightly.
I held onto his solid form, beyond thankful to still have him in my life.
There had been a very real moment when I thought I was going to lose him.
I banged fists with Jere, who seemed equally as excited to see me.
“You’re late. Thought you might not show up after all,” Danny said, leaning back against the desk.
He still had balance issues and hand tremors, but all things considered, he was doing remarkably well.
I was sure one of his bashers being convicted and facing several years in prison had a lot to do with it.
“Decided to take the bus,” I said and looked to Matteo who was hiding behind me, which seemed out of character. “Matteo, this is Danny, and Jere, my friends.”
He tipped his chin up and pulled his beanie off, leaving an adorable tangle of curls scattered around his forehead. “Hello.”
“Guys, this is Matteo,” I said, urging him forward.
His confidence took over and he shook their hands. He looked up and down at Jere, then glanced at me. “And I thought you were big.”
Danny chuckled. “He gives Ahnold in his prime a run for his money, doesn’t he? Makes me proud.”
“I can’t imagine all the calories that must be consumed on a daily basis just to stay alive,” Matteo said.
Jere, misunderstanding the situation, broke into a tangent about protein. I couldn’t help chiming in about the importance of certain nutrients and vitamins myself, especially when building muscle as opposed to weight-loss.
“Okay, baby,” Danny cut in, casting his boyfriend a warm glance. “We get it. We all very much appreciate the dedication and lengths you go to look this hot.”
“Strong,” Jere corrected meekly. “Looking hot is just a side effect.”
“One that is very much appreciated,” Danny said and pecked his lips. He peeled his attention from Jere and shot me an annoyed glance. “You didn’t come over for Christmas dinner. That makes me sad.”
“I promise we will all do something soon,” I said, a rush of guilt hitting me.
The only reason I hadn’t gone was because Matteo was sick and needed help, otherwise I would have spent time with Danny.
“You know how winter is. Makes you want to stay inside and cuddle up under a fluffy blanket and do nothing.”
He passed Matteo a suspicious glance. “In any case, I’m glad you stopped by.
The center is organizing a refugee relief package.
So if you two have any unwanted clothes or unused pantry goods sitting around, throw them in a box and drop it off here by February twelfth.
We also need some volunteers to hand everything out. There is a sign-up for that too.”
“I don’t really have much,” Matteo cut in. “But maybe I can help with the organizing. I’ve got nothing else to do.”
“Yeah, we could use all the help we can get. The sign-up sheets are on the front desk. Sean can show you. Put your name on there and contact information.”
Matteo gave me a quick look. If he gave Danny my work number as his contact information, Danny would know we were living together.
I hadn’t thought about how I’d explain Matteo to my friends.
Not that I had to, but it was just another reminder that I had no idea what we were to each other.
Hey guys, this is my brat with benefits that I enjoy arguing with.
“Hey, Danny,” I said, anxious to change the subject. “Remember all that old theater stuff that got left behind?”
“Yeah, it’s in the basement. Why?”
“Matteo here is a musician. I thought maybe he could make use of it. Mind showing him to the basement?”
“Absolutely,” he said, looking at Matteo with enthusiasm.
“You’re going to love it. There is so much neat stuff down there just wasting away.
I’d love to show you.” Danny slid off the desk and onto his feet, taking a moment to steady himself with his cane.
Matteo looked as if he wanted to rush and help him, a sentiment I shared.
“I’m good, just need a moment. Alright, off to the basement. ”
Jere came to stand beside me as he watched Danny and Matteo shuffle out of the room, their voices carrying down the hall. He said, “Thanks, that means a lot to him and me.”
“For what?” I inquired.
“Giving him independence,” he said, brushing his beefy arm against mine in a friendly gesture.
“Oh, well.” I didn’t know what else to say. The ordeal of Danny’s bashing was still very raw. Sometimes I was afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and digging up unpleasant memories.
Jere eyed me, the cool gray of his irises dancing with amusement. “You two together, then? Doing stuff that is none of my business? Is that why you’ve ditched me? Lifting weights is boring without you.”
I chuckled uneasily and stepped away, aware I was defensive about his question. I was surprised he hadn’t brought the issue up at work, but he was very professional. “Honestly, I don’t know.”
He frowned and took a moment to digest my words. “You don’t know if you are together? Or if it’s none of my business?”