Chapter 9
nine
. . .
Tanner questions her life choices as the pile of laundry stares at her. Getting this flat because it came with a tiny balcony seemed like a good trade-off for not having a tumble dryer at the time. Now, she must go to the laundrette at ten p.m., and she uses the balcony as a plant graveyard.
Sometimes, she daydreams about doing this with other people. Tanner thought she’d be settled down by now, but it’s never worked out. She’s always too desperate to talk, terrified that they could go cold, and so haunted by abandonment, so she can’t hide her flaws until after a wedding.
She does smile as she thinks about Akilah’s frowns and lets them find less.
Now, Tanner wants to ask Akilah if she might like her back for real.
For a long time, but it’s too soon. She’ll push her away.
A date she can get over, a short relationship that never had a label?
That’ll take her six years, an unquantifiable amount of ice cream and texts to her therapist after midnight.
Akilah is someone she wants to keep, even if it’s at a distance. She types a text, debates the contents, deletes half and then sends the most boring message alive. Akilah will love it.
Tanner
hows work
Akilah
Hi.
I was thinking about you.
Work is loud.
I might be slow at replying because I’m at the bar again.
Tanner
Oh no, why?
Are you wearing earplugs?
She scowls, worries that she’s being too motherly.
Akilah
I am, yeah. Thanks.
What are you up to?
Tanner
Currently sitting on the floor outside my flat as I work up the courage to take three weeks’ worth of laundry to the laundrette
send immediate help
and good thoughts
the good thoughts being a picture of your face
Akilah
I’m not taking a photo with people looking at me.
Tanner
youre literally no fun
tho that means you’ll send me one when youre alone????
btw I think someone is breaking into your office you should go check
take your phone
Akilah
Are you done?
Tanner
I’m dying Ilah
Akilah
Why didn’t you do your washing at home?
Tanner
I don’t have a dryer and can’t risk drying it in the house when the weather is so gloomy, what if I smell like damp? Id rather die
Akilah
Leave it. We can do it at mine tomorrow.
Tanner smiles. She’s cute. And Tanner does want to go to her place, but is that silly, considering she’s already in the car?
What if Akilah thinks it’s stupid to have this many blankets?
What if she judges her for her colourful socks and her granny pants?
What if she realises she gave Tanner another STAFF top and she’s been wearing it for two days?
Tanner decides not to be too much lest she gives Akilah a reason to find less.
Tanner
I’m already in the car
and I took my bedding off
god I’m going to regret that when I get home
is it rude to order food to a laundrette?
The laundrette is thankfully empty when she gets there, so she steals the big machines and pictures herself as J-Lo from that one music video. She could find a hair wrap.
Akilah
You haven’t eaten?
Tanner
I had lunch
Akilah
Tanner it’s ten.
Tanner
maybe I can shove my stuff in then go to the drive thru
be nice to me, it’s raining
Akilah
I’m not trying to be mean.
What laundrette did you pick?
Tanner throws the last of her washing in the machine and feels giddy with the fact that she held off on texting Akilah back, so she’d have something to look forward to.
Tanner
Bubbles
are you still on the bar
Tanner doesn’t mind being alone for the most part.
It’s how she grew up. It’s all she’s ever known.
Sometimes, she feels like everything about her when she’s with other people is fake.
She’s loud and chatty and eager for something not to end, but she craves the simple familiarity of sitting in the laundrette with someone while they fold clothes.
She wants to know what someone dreamt about last night, why their dinner was great and what Akilah’s favourite song is.
Oh. At the start, it was a crush. Fun, meaningless and something to see her through until the summer.
But then Akilah didn’t want to do the usual crush activities.
There has been less touching than Tanner gets at her routine pedicure.
Yet, she wants to be near her. Wants to know if she takes a shopping list to the food shop or stomps around with vague annoyance as she throws the basics someone needs to survive in her basket.
Wants her in a way she doesn’t want a friend.
Tanner has spent her life thinking that a romantic relationship revolves around sex.
It’s why her first girlfriend broke up with her.
They weren’t compatible. But sex isn’t what she dreams about.
It’s not the thing that enters her mind when she imagines being forty-five and redecorating the guest bedroom for a winter project.
She likes sex. She likes someone’s hands close by as they trust her.
She likes the feel of someone’s lips against hers as they learn the things she likes.
Sometimes, she likes her vibrator and her own thoughts. She only has one of those right now.
Tanner looks at her phone, clicks on Akilah’s messages and settles in to reread them.
Nothing ever changes. Akilah never sends kisses; her messages are usually less than seven words long, and she’d self-combust if she sent an emoji.
Still, Tanner has reread them almost hourly since they became people who update each other at mealtime.
The other day, Akilah messaged her out of the blue to tell her someone at work tripped over. She works in a strip club; that’s the law. She missed her, and Tanner hid her smile against her pillow.
Tanner misses her now.
And like magic, Akilah walks into the laundrette, rain dripping from the hood of her coat that she whips off like it personally offended her.
Black boots that seemed to be welded to her feet, trousers tailored to ruin her life, and a short-sleeved black top that might kill her off.
How is it reasonable that she looks like this when Tanner is basically in pyjamas with her hair thrown on top of her head?
Tanner is staring at her, and she can’t stop, even when Akilah glares at her as her boots squeak on her feet.
“No hi?”
Tanner hums with glee. “Hi. You’re here.”
Akilah shrugs. “I had a long night,” she replies as she sits down. She leans her head back against the wall. She does seem tired. However, she could have gone home.
“And what else?” Tanner asks, looking straight ahead. Akilah doesn’t look back at her but jokes with her. Tanner can see her in the tumble dryer's reflection.
“And I thought you might want company.”
“Mm-hmm.”
She shuffles again, toeing her boots off. She doesn’t pull her knees to her chest as Tanner does, but she does seem comfier.
“And I missed you.”
Tanner gasps, spinning to face her, foot falling off the seat. “I thought for sure I was going to have to torture it out of you.”
Akilah smiles at her lap. “I’m going to eat the fries if you’re mean to me.” She pulls a carton out of her bag, complete with chopsticks and a little love heart sharpied on the top.
“Why are you the cutest thing in existence?”
“Shhh,” she replies, head back again. Her wrists shake a little, and she hums quietly.
“Bad night?” Tanner asks softly. There must be a way to dim these fluorescents. She holds a fry up for Akilah, who raises her eyebrow. Tanner takes it back to blow the steam away, and then Akilah takes it. Tanner focuses on her tongue for too long.
“Loud.”
“What helps?”
Akilah takes a deep breath. “I’m okay.”
“You didn’t have to come,” she whispers. “You could go home. I won’t be sad.”
“You’d be devastated.”
Tanner laughs around the fry in her mouth. She keeps quiet. It’s not something she minds; she likes being around Akilah. The silence doesn’t seem oppressive when she’s next to her.
“You help,” Akilah says. Tanner lets herself smile because Akilah can’t call her out on it from behind her eyelids.
“Wanna lie down?” Tanner asks when the fries are gone. She puts her legs down and digs through the clean laundry to find a blanket, but Akilah lies down with her head in her lap.
Tanner is cool, calm and collected about it.
“Why are you squealing?” Akilah asks.
“I’m not.”
Akilah opens her eyes. Kind of. She’s glaring at her. “You are.”
“I have something people would worship at an altar in my lap,” she says. “This is as chill as I can be.”
A smile pulls so frantically at her face, but Akilah keeps it down because apparently, she hates her. “You’re dramatic.”
“You’re cute,” Tanner whispers. She wants to cradle her head in her hands and kiss her forehead. She leaves her hands tucked near her hips instead.
Akilah grunts, closing her eyes again. Perhaps Akilah would want to see her this weekend? It’s supposed to be sunny, so they could go to the park with the swans, and Tanner might not be terrified they’re going to eat her because Akilah wouldn’t let them.
Maybe they could go through office listings because Tanner needs to get out of her lease immediately. She definitely needs a new record.
“Why aren’t you talking?” Akilah asks a few minutes later. “I know you’re thinking.”
“You don’t like chatter.”
“I like you.”
“My day was pretty boring,” Tanner says instead of squealing again.
Her fingers move in time with her speech.
“I saw a recipe I want to try this weekend. Do you like hummus?” Before she gives Akilah time to respond, she continues.
“I want to redecorate my flat, but I don’t like it enough actually to do it.
It’s my mother’s birthday soon, but we don’t talk, and I’m not sure if I should be sad about it.
I miss your voice sometimes, and by sometimes, I mean consistently. ”
“Tanner?”
She makes a vague noise of recognition as she looks at Akilah. She’s so pretty with her wide eyes and Tanner’s hand in her hair.
Oh.