Chapter 12 #2
Tanner waits expectantly, like Akilah’s brain hasn’t short-circuited.
“Do your parents know? Are you going to change your name?” she asks, clearly desperate to keep talking as Akilah gives her nothing at all.
“You could have something close to Akilah, like version two. We can skip the whole early transitioning awful clothing choices because your style is already pretty androgynous. You could probably keep most of it and be a devastatingly hot man. Are you going to go by he or they?”
What’s happening?
“Ilah?” she begs. “Please, talk to me. Tell me what you need.”
Akilah looks at her. The honesty on her face. She’s not fucking with her.
“Was something I asked offensive?” Tanner asks, her brows tilted. “I don’t mean for it to be, I’m not used to thinking about what I say with you, and you’re not responding to anything. I’m so sorry if I reacted badly. I’m happy for you and will support you anyway you want.”
Akilah laughs, her hand scrubbing over her face.
“Share with the class,” Tanner mutters, pouting at her. Totally unbothered by the fact that she thinks Akilah is about to transition right now.
“Tan,” she whispers. “I’m done.”
Her face breaks. “With me?”
“No,” she says frantically. “Never with you.” Unburdened by how true that statement is. “And I guess I’m not actually done because I have to take hormones daily, but I started transitioning medically at fourteen.”
Tanner looks at her like she’s grown eight heads. Akilah watches her realise she wasn’t born biologically female as her eyes move rapidly.
“Oh. This is your final form?”
“I’m not a Pokémon.”
“But if you were, I could carry you around in my pocket all day, and I think I deserve that.” And just like that, things were okay again.
What a wild concept, to have a difficult conversation and not have it end with a hole in her chest that she would have to pretend wasn’t there.
It’s only when Tanner moves closer that Akilah realises this is what trust feels like.
“Yes, this is my final form.”
“Oh, thank God,” Tanner replies. “You’d be such a hot man, but I have built my entire personality around being a lesbian, and I thought I was going to have to change that.” She smiles at her, cute and real. “You know, to make this whole thing about me.”
Akilah smiles back, reaches for her hand and finds it easily. “You can ask me anything. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I assumed you knew. We never discussed my autism; you just started doing what I needed you to do. It didn’t occur to me that you didn’t know everything about me.”
“You underestimate the power your pretty face has,” Tanner replies, then, “I’m not mad. You don’t have to tell me your secrets on a third date.”
Akilah pulls her closer, her hand on Tanner’s jaw as she kisses her. “I want to tell you them. And this is at least number five.”
Tanner laughs, rests her forehead against hers. “That means we’re going steady.”
“Yes, please,” Akilah replies, then, “You really didn’t know? People usually figure it out from my voice or my hands.”
Tanner shrugs. “You told me you were a woman, and you are. I didn’t think about it deeper than that.” She holds her hand in hers, spinning with a frown like she can’t find the clue.
“I’m only ever looking at you with adoration, because I’m totally obsessed with you. Why would I think anything about your hands other than I want to hold them all the time?” She kisses the scar on her knuckle that she got from grabbing a child’s stuffed animal from a bush.
“You know, your voice is the main thing I thought about when I was sulking about never seeing you again. Sure, you’re otherworldly, or whatever, and your face haunted my dreams. But I thought about how you would say all kinds of words.
Unreasonably embarrassing, but I’m allowed to tell you now because you’re secretly obsessed with me too, and maybe you’ll say them if I give you a list.”
“I would.”
Tanner hums. Apparently, not done even though Akilah can barely breathe.
“Besides, you wear pink socks under your don’t talk to me boots, and you stock free tampons in the club bathroom, and your gay awakening was Heath Ledger in 10 Things I Hate About You.
You might as well have woman tattooed on your forehead. ”
Akilah kisses her again. Because she can. Because she’s allowed.
“It doesn’t bother you, no sex?”
Tanner looks mildly offended at the question; she decides now that they’re dating for real that she can be as close as she likes. She’s not incorrect, and Akilah drops her leg so Tanner can climb into her lap.
“Do you know what I’ve wanted for the longest time? What do I dream about?”
Akilah shakes her head, but it doesn’t work all that way because Tanner’s hands are in her hair.
“This,” she says. “Knowing someone the way I know you and sitting close to each other on the couch, even though there are five other seats. Thinking about how I’m going to take you to the hardware shop so we can fix your sunroom, and then I can force you to sit out there with me.
Finding the perfect birthday present for you and then spending months trying to get you to guess it. ”
“Are you sure?”
“I like sex, sure, but I don’t need it,” she says, spinning until she’s more in her lap than before. Her head sits under Akilah’s chin. “Is not wanting to have sex linked to your transition?”
“I’ll never be sure,” Akilah replies. “I had dysmorphia before I even went through puberty. Now, if I do get horny, I can take care of myself. It doesn’t feel wrong, per se, but it did take me a long time to figure that out. And I’ve never tried with anyone else.”
Tanner nods. “So, uhm, have you had bottom surgery? If that’s okay to ask.”
“No,” she responds. The terror of the admission doesn’t have her pulse racing, but the back of her neck is hot. “I mean, no, I haven’t. You can ask me anything.”
“Okay.” No, when are you getting it? No, why not? Just an acceptance that Akilah didn’t know she was waiting for. Akilah looks at her, and Tanner’s eyes are dark and trained on her lips.
“You look like you want to eat me alive.”
Tanner huffs out a laugh. “I do, but I promise it’s not a big deal. I will be better at hiding it.”
“You’re the least subtle person I know,” Akilah says. “It’s not a hardship knowing you want to fuck me.”
Tanner groans, resting her temple against her shoulder. “Don’t say fuck like that. I never want you to be uncomfortable.” She traces the snake on the back of Akilah’s hand. “Like I’m pressuring you subtly. I don’t want you to think I’m waiting for it. I’ll be better.”
“I don’t think I could be uncomfortable with you. I’m open to having sex with you. It takes me a million hurdles to get through first, but I would like to touch you.”
Tanner kisses her palm again. “If you never get through them, I won’t be sad.”
“But you’ll be missing out.”
Tanner lifts her head to frown at her. “From what? Your wit and sarcasm,” she says, then, “Your bubbly personality talking me through an orgasm?”
“No one is ruder to me than you.”
“You’re my girlfriend, it’s basically in my contract. Besides, I have a vibrator. Well, I have a whole host of toys and my imagination.” She rests her head against her again. “You’re basically playing for second.”
Akilah hums. “You called me your girlfriend twice.” She presses a kiss against Tanner’s jaw.
Tanner sighs. “Be fair.”
“Do you want to sleep with other people?” Akilah asks.
Tanner sits up, turns to her with barely concealed fury and wet, round eyes. “What?”
Akilah doesn’t know what to do with her hands now that she’s not here.
“I know people need sex.”
Tanner frowns. “You don’t need sex.”
Akilah panics. This is fair, right? She’s offering something she’d hate but might bring Tanner joy. It’s a compromise. “But you want sex more often than I do.”
Tanner looks around, pulls her sleeves into her palms. Akilah suggested it without understanding how much it would hurt Tanner to consider it, or how she might not make it out alive if she said yes.
She looks at her lap. “Would you not care if I slept with someone else?”
Akilah laughs, but there’s no humour there. “I think it would kill me.”
“Good,” Tanner says with a sniff. When she finally looks back at her, she’s crying. Just a little, but it hits Akilah in the chest so hard she feels winded.
“Baby,” she whispers.
“Don’t say stuff like that.”
“I’m sorry,” she replies, pulling Tanner closer. Kisses her forehead as she hugs her properly for the first time, because Tanner always waits for her, and now it’s because she’s upset with her. “I’m sorry.”
Tanner rests her forehead against her chest. “You’re not expendable because you don’t want something. I want you. I only want you.”
Akilah never thought she’d be enough, but she trusts Tanner. She’ll trust that somehow, she’s what she wants.
“I’m sorry.”
Tanner spins until she rests against her properly. Kisses her throat. “I know, pretty girl. I know you.”
Akilah smiles, tucks it between her teeth. Tanner catches it anyway.
“What’s got you smiling?” she asks like she doesn’t know it’s been her since the dawn of time. Akilah doesn’t entertain lying to her.
“The answer is always you.”