Chapter 1
one
. . .
Rae
The large neon sign beckons me as I swallow my nerves.
I ignore the rampant thumping in my chest as my feet power forward, each step bringing me further outside of my comfort zone and closer to the unknown.
There’s a quiet line of guests waiting to enter, and I wonder what they’re all searching for.
Are they like me?
My evening plans are usually much simpler than this and look different, often curled up with my cat and a book.
For many reasons, bravery isn’t a dress I wear often, but I do wish I could wear it every day. I caught a glimpse of my reflection on the way out, and it felt as if I’d traveled in time. I’d like to be as brave as the woman I once was, and I hope tonight coaxes her out again.
The jingle of my keys causes my cat, Biggie Paws, to lift his head to assess me with a judgmental look that says ‘Where the hell are you going?’
“Sorry, Biggie. Mommy has to leave for a bit. I’ll be back later.” I say, and he glowers in disgust.
I feel the same way, little man.
A night out won’t kill me, and if it does, I won't be going down without a fight.
I fetch the matte black envelope from my bag, continuing my stride until I find a spot at the end of the line.
Lilith’s Lounge, I’d never even heard of this place—an exclusive club for exploring your wildest fantasies that you must be invited to join.
I wasn’t invited, but my best friend Lucy was.
I’m not sure why, but I do know that she’s been happily married since we graduated college, and that could have something to do with what’s in this building.
I just want to be happy too.
I recently came out as bisexual after a long internal battle of whether or not I should.
There was a woman in college that I never quite recovered from.
Her name was Ada, and we met at a party.
She insisted we sneak around, and I agreed because I liked how I felt around her, like she could see me, Raquel, underneath it all.
We had a short run before she called it quits, and I’d never felt emptier. We were a secret that I painfully kept and grieved alone. After all this time, my confidence is shot whenever I think about dating women.
My mind flits back to an earlier conversation with Lucy.
It was far easier to come out to her than I’d expected, and her response encouraged me to tell my family.
She even promised that if they weren’t supportive, she wouldn’t go easy on them, and reminded me that I’d always be a part of her family.
“Do you remember Ada Wesley?”
“I do. She was sweet on you and mean to everyone else,” she says, her eyes squinting as she assesses me. “Something happened between you. I just didn’t expect you to wait ten years to tell me.”
All this time, and Lucy’s still as observant as ever.
“We had a thing until she broke it off, and I didn’t date any other women after that.
No one made me feel like she did.” Lucy nods in understanding, taking a sip of wine.
“I want to put myself out there, but I don’t know where to even start with approaching women.
They all think I’m just being friendly.”
“Women hit on me all the time at the—Oh shit. I have an idea!” she exclaims, setting down her glass and jumping up from the couch.
My eyes trail her as she disappears into her home office, emerging minutes later clutching a dark envelope.
I eye her suspiciously as a mischievous grin stretches across her face.
“Take this,” she advises, opening the envelope and handing me the card inside. “Read everything on the website, and if you think it’s your speed, go. If not, we’ll never speak of it again.”
“Uh-okay,” I croak, eager to find out what the hell she’s talking about.
I open the envelope, curiosity gnawing at me. The thick paper inside reads:
Mr. and Mrs. Frost,
You have been cordially invited by Mr. and Mrs. Collins to surrender your darkest desires at Lilith’s Lounge NYC. We hope to see you soon.
For details on our locations, event calendars, and rules of consent, please review our website. Scan the code below to become a member.
“What are you thinking?”
“I’m thinking you wouldn’t invite me somewhere to die. So, I obviously have some reading to do.”
“Good evening,” the door attendant says, releasing me from my thoughts.
“Good evening,” I reply as I hold up the envelope for him to see. He nods again before stepping aside to allow me to pass.
I take a deep breath as I cross the threshold into what feels like a different world. The dark hallway gives nothing away, and I fight the desire to reach out and touch the textured damask wallpaper. But that isn’t something you do in a place like this, even when no one is looking.
Quietly, I straighten my spine, gather my nerves, and follow the path until I see a tall woman standing behind a desk at the end of it. She’s wearing a black blazer and her hair is pinned to perfection; not an errant curl in sight.
“Good evening, my name is Lila. I’ll need the code on your invitation, test results, cell phone and valid identification, please?
” Her voice is cool and measured, and I wonder how many times she’s had to repeat that greeting tonight.
How many more times she’ll have to repeat it before her shift is over.
“Ah-yes,” I hiss, fetching my phone, ID card and the folded test results from my clutch.
I cannot believe I am doing this.
I take a deep breath as I slide the items and envelope to her like it’s some sort of secret. She opens it, pulls out the invitation inside, and places it under a barcode scanner. Once it beeps, she begins typing.
Lila halts to review the requested items, glancing up at me and back down. I have nothing to be nervous about, but the clacking keys between us have elevated my heart rate. Her brows knit as she studies her screen, and with every click of her mouse, my heart races.
She’s going to know that I’m not supposed to be here.
I’m going to be escorted out and ruin this for Lucy.
Fuck.
I just need to stay calm.
She reaches under the desk to retrieve a violet card and places it beneath the same scanner until it beeps as well.
“Thank you for your patience. It seems like you've got good friends. Your admission fee has been covered, and you’ve been granted a guest pass. Enjoy,” she says cooly, handing the card, document and invitation back to me.
“Of course,” I say, tucking them away in my clutch.
“You signed our non-disclosure agreement online, so we’re almost done here,” she assures with a tight smile, clicking her mouse.
I fold my hands in front of me, unsure of what to do without my phone.
“You’ll want to keep that card close by.
I’ve heard some guests like to keep theirs in their bra.
When you’re ready to leave, stop by our desk to pick up your phone.
If you need to make a call, there’s a designated call room behind this door,” she says, pointing to her left.
“Will you be attending with a partner or going solo this evening?”
“It’s just me.”
“Alright. What would you like to be called, guest 20521?” she asks, now holding six bracelets.
I look around before answering, relieved to see no one around us.
“My name is Raqu—”
She holds her hand up to stop me. “I apologize for not being clearer. We don’t use names here, unless you’re comfortable doing so. Here at Lilith’s Lounge, you can be whoever you want to be.”
That makes sense.
And it’s a promising concept.
“So, who do you want to be?” she asks, unaware of how poignant her words are.
Brave, I guess.
“Um, Rae. R-a-e. Rae is fine,” I offer instead. Rae sounds uncomplicated, fun, and free. Everything I need to be tonight.
“Okay, Rae.” She accepts with a nod before continuing.
“I’m going to go over a few details with you now.
These bracelets express your comfort level.
Black if you’re off limits. This includes conversation.
You’re pretty much invisible. Red if you’re only watching.
Blue if you’re self-pleasuring. Orange if you’re interested in sex.
Yellow if you’re interested in multiple partners.
Green if you are open to whoever or whatever. ”
I’m taking this in as quickly as I can, remembering the line forming behind me outside. Thankfully, Lila doesn’t seem to care as she feeds me the necessary information at a leisurely speed. She hands me the bracelets, and I quickly shove them in my clutch so as not to lose focus.
“Consent is everything. You can watch, participate, or leave at any time. If, for any reason, you are uncomfortable, each floor is equipped with security guards to ensure your safety. In case of emergency, there is a universal safe word, and it will be honored. The word is ‘apple.’ Is that clear?”
She’s leaning in, and I catch her scent as she awaits my response.
“Yes. Very clear,” I tell her just before I clear my throat.
“Well then, it’s your first visit. So, I must give you a tour,” she suggests with a soft smile. “Shall we?”
I nod, and she steps away from the desk, not bothering to look back and see if I’m following her.
Because of course I am.