Epilogue
. . .
Akilah waits at the door, key in the lock, nervous in a way she hasn’t been since Tanner and she started dating officially.
To her, they’d been dating since she sat at the table in the café, but Tanner says it doesn’t count because she wanted to ask her with sloppily written melted chocolate.
Private, something that belonged to them only.
Polaroids of the evening stuck to the front of the fridge.
Now, Akilah wonders if Tanner will be at home.
She doesn’t have her own flat anymore. There were a few weeks of tiptoeing around the question of moving in together before Akilah started taking things from her place and putting them in the house.
Tanner’s blankets deserve a wicker basket that Tanner dragged her lovingly around eight shops to find.
Her books take up space on their shelves in the living room instead of gathering dust near her bed.
Her teacups sit in the sink unwashed instead of the dishwasher, but Akilah smiles every time she moves them.
Tanner loves her. She wants to spend her life with her.
But there’s a chance that Akilah’s outburst earlier has sent her elsewhere. She could have gone to Brandi’s or her parents. There’s no part of Akilah’s life where Tanner isn’t welcome, or the favourite of the two.
It wasn’t supposed to be a thing. Her body reacted positively to Tanner, but she didn’t know it was she who had touched her arm, and she was so overwhelmed by something as uninteresting as a loud noise and a crowded space, as the new poles were installed.
The club’s design is split into stages to keep it closed as little as possible, and probably so Akilah didn’t spiral with too much at once.
It's complete now, and Akilah hasn’t spoken to Tanner all day.
Akilah opens the door. If she’s not here, she’ll find her. Or she’ll give her the space she wants. Akilah worries, but Tanner isn’t going to leave her, not over telling her to let go. It was rude, not overly harsh, but nothing she’d ever want to be with her.
Her heart softens when she sees the glow from the lamp in the sunroom.
It’s winter, but Tanner spends most of her time there.
Cuddled up on the couch with a book so she can talk to Akilah about it, wrapped around their new cat.
Akilah didn’t want one because she’s not overly motherly, but now they have matching belts and harnesses, and Eric keeps her company when she makes Tanner’s tea.
It's not too late. Akilah left work as soon as she could, but it is dark out, and Tanner is definitely napping.
“Baby,” she tries softly. “Are you awake?” Akilah knows she is because, in the precious moments she has to lie with her, she is. She’s memorised the rise and fall of her at peace. She’s not sure if Tanner wants to talk.
But then the angels sing.
“Mhm.”
Akilah kneels on the floor and moves closer like a moth to a flame. She doesn’t smell the singe of smoke, so she presses her lips to Tanner’s bare shoulder. Then again. Three times, as soft as the first.
“I’m sorry.”
“I know,” Tanner says. “You don’t have to be, not with your body.”
She kisses her again. She has to move her hair, but she doesn't mind the extra effort. “But I do have to be with you. I never want to hurt you.”
Tanner finally looks up at her. And heaven knows, she’s been waiting for her.
“Hi.”
Tanner smiles. “Hi, baby.” She stretches, and Eric isn’t happy about it. He does finally acknowledge that Akilah is here.
“Hi, baby boy.”
Tanner reaches for her, fingers falling short of touching her.
“Still overwhelmed?” It’s been almost two years, and Tanner still asks for permission, with a glance when they kiss, or her words when she can’t get her mind to play along. They’ve had sex a handful of times since she moved in, and she’s careful with her then, too.
Akilah shakes her head, and Tanner moves over. She lies down, gross club clothes on, but they’re doing laundry tomorrow anyway.
“Is your hand okay?” Tanner asks.
Akilah almost sobs with relief. “Yeah.”
It takes another moment, and then she feels the shift of the mattress as Tanner moves. Carefully, as she always is. Her fingers brush against hers, a little, as if she’s worried Akilah is going to run again.
The neon light filters through the linen curtains, bathing Tanner in a yellow glow. Tanner bought one because she likes the colour. It says something cheesy like home sweet home, but Tanner liked it, and Akilah loves her.
They look at each other for a while. Akilah traces the moonlight against Tanner’s cheek. She squeezes her fingers because she can. Because she can’t believe she spent so long denying herself.
Akilah is soft when she speaks. “You’re kind of everything to me. Is that okay?”
Tanner smiles, a small, mind-bending smile that she presses into the sheets. She spins their hands until Akilah’s palm rests against her face. She kisses her once.
“Go to sleep.”
“Tanner,” she whispers. She groans back at her, brows furrowing against the bed.
“Tanner.” She tries again because she can. Because she’ll let her.
“You’re too pretty to be winding me up when I’m so sleepy.”
She presses her lips to her forehead. “One more thing.”
Tanner sighs, but it moves her closer. Akilah makes the final stretch, her toes tapping against hers. Tanner still sleeps with socks on like a serial killer, but she loves her all the same.
“Go on.”
“When we met, you said you’d marry me.”
“I hinted. You were very pretty, but you refused to look at me. I would have given you anything,” she replies, but her fingers twitch against her palm.
Akilah presses a hand against her chest in a futile attempt to hold this thing that is expanding inside her.
It’s bursting through her ribs, spilling into her limbs, her fingertips, her throat.
This terrible, unrelenting thing that makes her want to curl into Tanner, press into her until nothing is separating them.
Until Akilah is unable and unwilling to exist alone.
There is no her, and there is no Tanner.
Only this aching, impossible harmony. Where their hearts beat in the same rhythm, where their breaths fuse in the space between them.
Where she knows what it means to exist as someone who is loved like this.
Akilah smiles. She knows Tanner is smiling too, even with her eyes closed.
“Would you marry me now?”
“In a heartbeat.”
When she wakes up, Tanner is wrapped around the only part of her body she’s been given access to. Akilah pulls her closer. She’ll spend the rest of her life giving her anything.