Chapter 16
sixteen
. . .
Akilah says she’s not trying to kill her. Tanner’s not so sure. Not when their fingers lock together, and Akilah is moaning against her. Her movements are frantic as she claws her closer.
“Touch me,” Akilah breathes, kissing up her stomach. “Baby, touch me, please.”
Tanner can’t think. Can’t breathe. Can’t do anything except pull her closer, move with her, fingers sliding under Akilah’s shirt, tracing the dip of her spine, feeling her shudder, feeling the tension coil tighter even as she stops touching her.
Because now she’s giving her access, Tanner doesn’t let her hands linger. She drags her fingernails over her ribs, smiling against her mouth when she moans. Her shirt is in the way, and Tanner tugs at it until it’s bunched around her waist.
Tanner almost chokes on her own tongue when Akilah holds herself up with one hand, her biceps lit by the warmth of the streetlamps.
It’s the first time Tanner has seen her this undressed on top of her, and her brain breaks.
The strong lines of her stomach, softening at her hips.
It’s possible Tanner will commit murder if she ever gets her top the whole way off.
“Are you okay?” Akilah asks, breath choppy. Her lips are wet and swollen, and she should be hung in a museum. Tanner looks at her, the slight furrow of her brow. Her gaze is dark and unwavering, infuriatingly composed as if she isn’t unravelling Tanner thread by thread.
“Holy fuck, you’re so hot,” Tanner says, but Akilah is kissing her again.
Tanner’s not being greedy, even though she wants every part of Akilah she can have.
She won’t push for anything Akilah doesn’t want to give her.
Not when she’s pressing their hips together like she wants to crawl inside her, not when her fingers dig into Tanner’s thighs so tight she knows she’ll still feel them tomorrow.
Tanner takes her hand in hers, guiding it gently from her jaw to her neck, dragging fingertips until they reach her breast. Akilah doesn’t need guidance, but Tanner is desperate for her.
Akilah ducks her head and sinks her teeth into the exposed skin of her chest above the neckline of her top – and she arches into it with a needy sigh, squeezing Akilah’s fingers over her.
Akilah smiles, making her way up, hot tongue dipping into the hollow of her throat, scraping her teeth over it.
Tanner clings to her, her nails digging into her scalp until Akilah fumbles between them and pushes her underwear to the side again so she can slide her hand beneath it, and Tanner tears her mouth from hers to bury her face in her neck, liquid heat pooling in her stomach.
A hiss rushes out of her as Akilah sinks a finger into her easily.
She makes a sound she doesn’t recognise, half gasp, half moan, and Akilah must hear it because she smiles against her skin, like she knows exactly what she’s doing.
“Baby,” Akilah mutters. Resolve slipping slightly. “Can you-”
“Yes.”
Akilah slows her movements, her lips against her shoulder. “I haven’t told you what it is.”
“The answer is yes.”
“Touch me,” she whispers. Tanner smiles, her hands quickly against her neck to pull her closer.
“Lower.” She moves her hands to her breasts, positively giddy like a horny teenager who is touching boobs for the first time. Akilah licks her mouth as she moves her hand into her bra. She grinds against her when she pulls her nipple between her fingers.
“God, I love you,” Tanner mutters when she does it again.
Akilah murmurs against her. Blush spreading across her chest. “Baby,” she moves her hips again. “Lower. Please, touch me.”
Tanner pauses, searches for any hesitance, but she trusts Akilah. She wouldn’t ask her for anything she didn’t want to give.
Still. “Are you sure?”
“Yes,” she replies. Her hands were careful against her hips. “If you want.”
Tanner flips them, quickly enough that Akilah’s eyes are wide as her back hits the mattress.
She takes a breath that’s supposed to be deep but barely reaches her shoulders as she pulls Akilah’s top up.
She gets distracted by her lace bra and holds the top up, her fingers against her face as she looks at her. Akilah bites at her fingertips.
“Focus.”
Tanner blinks, pulls the top up finally, and unclasps her bra in quick succession. They’re flung in the vague direction of the floor, so they may as well not exist anymore. Nothing exists beyond the confines of their mattress and the light oak headboard.
It has been so long since she’s touched another person like this, but with Akilah, it hardly feels like anything different. It’s purely instinctual. She sighs when Tanner traces her side, gasps when she touches her lips to her chest, and moans when a hand drifts down to undo her trousers.
“You’re so pretty,” Akilah whispers, and then she’s kissing Tanner on her lips, her neck, her shoulders. “So, so pretty. I’ve always thought so.”
It’s instinct too when she finds herself straddling Akilah’s thigh, one hand drifting towards her waistband. “Is this okay?” she whispers, and Akilah is nodding and whispering yes, yes, please and when Tanner finally lets her hand duck under the waistband, over her underwear.
She thought it would be terrifying, having no eyes on the situation and not knowing how to please her, but she can see Akilah’s eyes roll back. Watches the way her neck tightens as she presses her palm against her. Tanner isn’t sure she could be more turned on if she tried.
When she pulls back, her hand isn’t wet. She knew that. She can work with whatever Akilah gives her.
Tanner flicks her eyes to Akilah’s trousers. “On or off?”
“On,” she replies, then, “But you can go underneath.”
Tanner lets her fingers trail along the band of her lace underwear. Dips her head to kiss her neck. Rests her fingertips at the base of her stomach, enough pressure to feel the way her muscles are reacting.
“Promise me,” she whispers, pulling at her earlobe.
“I trust you,” she replies. Tanner smiles against her shoulder, but it won’t do.
“I know. Promise me that if it stops feeling enthusiastic, you’ll tell me. I won’t be mad.”
Akilah runs her thumb over the strap of her vest, pulling it down and replacing the material with a kiss.
“Promise,” she says, the words press into her skin. “Can you fuck me now?”
“Yes. Of course, always. However, you want, but.” She sits up, leaning over the edge of the bed. Akilah holds her steady.
“Don’t judge me,” Tanner says as she pulls out an industrial-sized lube from a sideboard they bought mere days ago.
Akilah laughs, her entire body shaking with the force of it. “What the fuck is that?”
Tanner pouts. “I listened to a podcast, and this is meant to be so good for you. But you’re allergic to dimethiconol, and apparently, they hate me because the only one without it is big enough to block out the sun.”
“You researched for me?”
“I went to spoken word for you,” she replies, pumping some into her hand. At least she had the foresight to take the shrink wrap off. “Besides, it was cute. It had a section on soulmates.”
“I apologised for that at the time.” They got kicked out because Akilah kept telling them their iambic pentameter was incorrect.
She’s so cute. Tanner tucks her hand under her waistband, revels in the way Akilah’s head rolls back.
She moans at the contact, and Tanner has never felt hotter a day in her life.
“You said,” Tanner replies, smoothing her hand against her. Watching the way her chest bounces with each shallow breath. “And I quote, I can’t help it if you’re not smart enough to get it.”
Akilah groans, collapsing onto the bed. Her hand grips Tanner’s hip, pulling her closer. One day, Tanner is going to wear her out, make her beg, and show her every way she wants her. Only if she wants it.
“I’m still not sure why you like me.”
Tanner kisses her once. “The other day you told me I wouldn’t understand a movie.” She moves her hand faster, catches Akilah fisting the sheets. Akilah isn’t loud. But she moans quietly, whimpers even though she tries not to, and holds on to Tanner where she can.
“It had – fuck – it had subtitles.”
“Mm-hmm,” Tanner says as she lowers herself, pushes her knee up until Akilah lifts her leg. She slides her free hand behind Akilah’s neck, fisting her hand in the hair at the base. Akilah moves for her, but Tanner tugs either way. Bites along her neck, her hand moving steadily.
“I can read.”
Akilah nods, pulls her closer with a hand on the back of her neck.
“Use your words,” Tanner says softly, her lips against her collarbone.
“You are the sun,” she moans. “And I’ve grown quite fond of you.”
“You’re not allowed to be that romantic when I’m trying hard not to destroy you.”
“You’re too soft with me,” she replies as Tanner pulls her head back, her fingers wrapped around her locs. It’s not hard; Akilah does the heavy lifting.
“You deserve soft,” she mutters. “Do you want me to be harder?”
Akilah smiles, her eyes glassy. “Not tonight.”
So, she’s not. Her movements remain structured, as she assumes Akilah likes. No surprises, no fanfare, the calm build-up that she’s been wanting. The safety of kisses against necks and lips on breasts.
The reminder that she’s pretty and feminine and perfect under her hands.
Akilah chokes out a moan, it’s breathy and broken. “You sound so good,” Tanner tells her, moving her fingers steadily. They move up and down, her thumb pressing in strong circles; she never wants to stop. She could do this to her forever and ever.
“Still okay?”
“Can we-”
Tanner stops moving, pulls her hand away. “Yes.”
Akilah spins them, her lips against her throat. “I’m fine, I promise. I haven’t – I just need less.”
She moves down her body, mouth against her core, moments later.
“You don’t,” Tanner starts, but her back arches as her tongue touches her again. “Holy fuck.”
Akilah moans as she pulls her hips closer.
“Baby.” She claws at her, dragging her against her mouth. “Tanner, come in my mouth. I need-” closer still. Her knee taps against Tanner’s bum, like she’s desperate to be as close as possible.
“I need you to.” It’s the hottest thing that’s ever happened. “Please. Please.”
Tanner shatters, her back arching, pushing her hips into a groaning Akilah’s mouth. Stars are floating in her vision, and she’s gripping Akilah’s hair too tightly, but it takes a full fifteen seconds for her body to relax.
Until she can breathe and realise she wants Akilah closer, her fingers tightening in her hair. Akilah leaves her marks as she moves up Tanner’s body, her lips hot against her hips, her ribs, her heart.
Akilah buries her face in the crook of Tanner’s neck, her breathing harder than it reasonably should be.
She wonders if her movements against the bed were enough to get her off.
Suppose she wanted to get off. Tanner wants to know if she’s allowed to ask her about it.
Then, with the soft tap of Akilah’s fingertips, she realises she is.
“Ilah?” She hums in response. Tanner worries it might ruin the moment to ask, but trusts that it won’t. “Did you come?”
She feels her swallow. “Yeah. Is that okay?”
“Of course, yeah. Of course it is.”
“Okay.”
She kisses her on the top of her head. “You okay?”
Akilah pulls her closer. “Yeah, just getting back into my body. I will clean you up. Honest, just give me a minute.”
“I want a bath,” Tanner replies. “Should I do anything?”
“Tell me about your soulmate podcast.”
“Soulmates don’t exist,” she whispers. Looking up at the moon through the windows. Akilah shuffles, taps at her arm until Tanner realises she wants her to move her fingers against her spine again.
“I know,” Akilah replies, her fingers running over her ribs as she speaks softly. “Is it okay if you’re mine anyway?”
Tanner smiles, tugs her closer. “I think that makes the Tanner friendship guide a success.”
“But don’t try it with anyone else.”
“Mm-hmm.”
Akilah taps the mattress next to her. Tanner waits for her.
“I’m terrified that this was a mistake,” she whispers. Tanner doesn’t panic. She’s not the mistake. None of it was. She can be the partner who knows it, who takes the time to break it down and explain it.
“Why?”
“Because it was good.” It was. Akilah kisses her shoulder. “Right?”
Tanner smiles. She’s figured her out. Her sweet, terribly terrified that she’s not a good enough girl. “Yeah, baby.”
“I don’t know how to want it often. I wish I wanted it more,” she mumbles. “I’ve tried therapy and supplements, and it doesn’t work for me.”
“Akilah,” she says, her finger up her jaw so she has to look at her. “You not wanting sex was like the third thing you ever told me.” Akilah looks sheepish.
“I knew it before I knew that you’d be the most important person in the world. It’s not something that crept up on me. I knew, and I fell in love with you anyway.”
Akilah blinks up at her. “I fell in love on purpose. Because you bring a spare jumper wherever you go as if the thought of me being cold makes you wanna die.”
Akilah grumbles. “You basically turn blue.”
“I fell in love even though you interrupt me.” She pouts. “I fell in love because you text me every time you’re busy, so I don’t overthink your lack of response.”
“It’s easy,” she mumbles against her skin.
Tanner smiles. “Akilah. I think you are the hottest thing I’ve ever seen, and if you want to have sex every night, I’d be game. If we never have sex again, I will love you every second of the day. And buy another vibrator.”
“I could,” she shuffles, her eyes dark. “Well, perhaps sometimes I would want to be there.”
Tanner kisses her. “We have a lifetime to figure out what works. Trust me, I’m not missing out all of a sudden because you know how to use your tongue.
I was in love with you before we properly kissed, and I’m in love with you now.
There’s nothing in this world I want if you don’t want it too.
I don’t know what love means without you. ”
She smiles, her nose screwing up. “And you say I’m romantic?”
Tanner laughs, kisses her nose. “I read it in a book.”
Akilah looks at her for real. “I just – I love you. I really, truly don’t know how to hold it all in my heart, love you. I want to give you everything.”
Tanner laughs, her lip caught between her teeth. “Ilah, baby, you gave me a sunroom. What more could I want?”