Chapter 10
Chapter Ten
Joey remained heartbroken for two weeks. He thought Felix loved him, but then he became cold and uncaring. He couldn’t figure out what he did to make Felix hate him so much. He didn’t care what anyone else thought. He wanted Felix to be his best friend again.
When they did chores together, Felix mostly communicated with single words, such as "yes" and "no." He never returned Joey’s gaze. He never touched Joey and kept his distance so Joey couldn’t touch him. The wall between them grew wider each day, and Joey couldn’t understand why the man he thought he loved didn’t love him back.
Maybe he didn’t understand love. Perhaps he wasn’t in love with Felix, but for the first time in his life, he enjoyed a close friend, or at least that’s what he thought, and he mistook it for love.
The anguish tore him apart, and he needed to talk to someone. One afternoon, he hurried to finish his afternoon chores, then went into the house. Pa was on his horse checking the herd, and Felix insisted on riding fences alone.
He peeked into the sitting room, where his mother worked on a quilt. “Ma…can I talk to you?”
“Sure, Joey. Come in and sit down.” She paused her sewing and focused on her son. “You have been depressed for two weeks now. I know you and Felix are having a fight or something. Aren’t you two friends anymore?”
Joey sat and nodded, not knowing the truth.
“Talk to me, son.”
Joey took a deep breath. “Ma…how do you know when you love someone?”
“You mean like how you love me and Pa and Jacob?”
Joey pondered for a moment. Loving his family was not the issue. He knew about that. But loving someone else? Like Felix? How could he know if that love was real? “Ma…I don’t have any idea what love is. Can you tell me what it is and what it feels like?”
“You have not been around anyone but Felix. Are you pining for one of the girls at school?”
Joey shook his head. He remembered the little filly comment that made Felix pull away.
Did that cause Felix to distance himself?
“Ma, I’m trying to figure out what love is, so I’ll know when it happens.
I’m going into my last year of school, and—well—you know, young men get feelings.
I remember the boys at school talking about it, and I'm not sure what they meant.”
“I see. I was curious as a teenager, too, but I didn’t have strong feelings for my high school classmates.
Then, your pa and I were in college together, and when we started seeing each other, all I could think about was him.
When his eyes caught mine, I got a funny feeling in my stomach.
When he touched me, it was like an electric shock or something.
He was always on my mind, and I longed to be by his side. ”
Joey’s stomach clenched. She described what happened to him around Felix. Even telling themselves it was wrong, those feelings were real, and he couldn’t get enough. But he had to know. “Was that love, Ma? Did you think Pa felt the same way?”
“Yes, Joey, it was love. And one day, your Pa told me he loved me. We’ve been married for twenty years.”
“Did you ever love anyone else?”
“No. Your father is the only one I ever loved. Of course, I didn’t have a lot of choices, but when we met, I knew he was the one.”
Joey pondered what his mother said. She picked up her sewing, started again, paused, and said, “What is going on, son? I’ve seen earthworms with more enthusiasm than you.
Ever since that letter arrived from Felix’s father, your Pa and I can tell something is wrong between you and Felix.
He never smiles anymore, and neither do you. ” She looked at Joey.
Joey paused for a long time. He could not deal with his sadness alone. He needed to say something. He needed help.
“I never had a best friend before, Ma. I don’t know what to do. I can tell Felix is upset, but I don’t know what’s wrong or how to help.”
“Why did you ask me about love, Joey?” Mabel laid her sewing in her lap.
“No reason. I like Felix as much as I like Jacob. And I love Jacob. I was trying to figure out if I loved Felix, too.”
“Joey, the feelings you have for Felix are different from those you have for Jacob. You have known Jacob your whole life; he taught you many things. You love him because he is a part of your family. Friendship can often feel like love, but you and Felix have known each other for about a month. You became good friends quite quickly because you both needed a friend. Friends are often like family to us, but not the same.”
Joey sighed. “I guess…”
“Two men loving each other like a man and a woman love each other is called a crime against humanity, Joey. While your Pa and I never took you and Jacob to church much, the Bible says that a man loving another man is wrong.”
Joey pondered her words. Perhaps what he felt was the love of a best friend, but it certainly felt like something more.
He would feel his life wouldn’t be complete without Felix in it.
He needed to think about his feelings. Feelings he now knew he couldn’t admit to his parents.
“Okay, Ma. I think I understand. Felix and I are best friends, and I’m sad because he’s troubled. ”
“He’ll tell you why someday, Joey. Be patient with him. Best friends are there for each other, no matter what.”
“Thanks, Ma.” Joey went over and hugged his mother. He knew what he needed to do. Since Felix was ignoring him, he needed to get away to figure out what to do about loving another man who wasn’t his brother and how to get Felix to stop being angry.
Before dawn the following day, Joey rose and dressed. He grabbed bread, cheese, and a few small apples in the kitchen. In the barn, he saddled Lightning, put his supplies in the saddlebag, and set out.