Chapter Twenty
the date
We drive for about 20 minutes. It's dark out, so I really have no clue where we are. I do know that there are no restaurants out here, though.
“I thought we were going to dinner?” I ask him, confused.
“We are.”
“We’re outside of city limits though?”
“Who said anything about being in the city?” he says with a smile.
After I don't say anything, he reaches his hand across the seat and squeezes my knee. The action sends a shock wave over my entire body.
“Just relax. I promise you're going to love it.”
I nod, unable to form words.
We drive for another minute, and as I look out the window, I see tiny lights appear off in the distance. Logan turns and smiles a boyish grin that tells me he’s really excited about this.
As we get closer, I see an old barn lit up with string lights.
“What is…” I start to say, but he shushes me.
“Close your eyes.”
I shake my head and giggle, but do as he says.
When I feel the truck come to a stop, I hear him get out, coming over to my side.
The door opens, and then I hear him say, “Grab my hand.”
I lay my hand in his, ignoring the sensation, and focus on stepping out of his truck without falling.
I feel the cool air brush against my neck, sending goosebumps down my arms.
“I’ve got you.” he says, and something flares in my heart.
Logan walks in front of me, holding my hands and guides me to whatever surprise he’s put together. The smell of him floods my nose, and has me feeling all kinds of warmth.
“Just a little further.” he whispers, and I can feel his breath on my neck.
Finally, we come to a stop.
“Ok, open your eyes.”
My eyes open slowly, blurry from being shut. It takes a minute to adjust.
Once my eyes focus, I see string lights everywhere, a stack of pillows and blankets, to-go containers from the taco shop, and a big projector screen on the side of the barn.
I blink, suddenly feeling very emotional that he did all of this.
“Logan. This is.." I pause looking around, then at him. “You did all of this?”
He nods, “I did. Is it too much?” he asks, and I suck in a breath.
He did all of this for me.
“No, no it's not too much. This is amazing.”
I watch his breathing calm, as if he needed to hear that I liked it before he could relax.
“I’m glad, let me show you everything.”
He leads me over to a wooden barrel he turned into a table. There are all kinds of snacks, sweets, and drinks in a cooler. I cannot believe he did this.
“I got every snack I could think of, because I didn't know which was your favorite, and I got street tacos because I feel like I remember you mentioning loving them.” he smiles at me.
“I also got wine, if you want it, and there are some sodas and juice pouches as well.”
He really went all out on this.
“This is incredible.” I tell him, hoping he understands just how much I really love this.
“Where do the blankets go?” I ask, wondering if we're just roughing it on the ground, or if he had a plan.
“Oh, one second.” he holds a finger, then jogs over to his truck, turning it around.
He jumps out and grabs everything, then proceeds to make a bed in the back of his truck.
It's like something straight out of a movie.
Jumping down, he holds his hand out for me to grab, “Ladies first.”
I use his hand as leverage to push myself up, then kick my shoes off so I don't dirty the blankets.
Logan walks over to the snacks, “Which do you want first?”
“Oh um, is there popcorn? Gotta have popcorn with a movie. Oh and twizzlers.”
He laughs, and holds up popcorn and twizzlers.
He really did think of everything.
He climbs up, snacks and tacos in hand, then sits down next to me handing me a box of tacos.
Not just a couple. A whole box.
“You know the way to my heart.” I tease, but I’m afraid it's starting to become true.
He smiles, and grabs a remote for the movie out of his pocket.
“What movie? This could make or break you tonight.”
“I think I’ll be ok,” he laughs and winks at me.
The screen turns on, and I see that it’s Pride and Prejudice.
My head whips over to him, and I see him smiling before he even sees my face.
“Pride and Prejudice.” I say.
“I seem to recall this is your favorite movie. And it just so happens to be my favorite movie.”
I shake my head, completely in awe of everything he’s done so far tonight. This had to have been incredibly time consuming. But he did it. He did it for me.
My heart starts beating faster, and my nerves start to take over. He must notice, because he reaches over to me, and sets his hand on mine, calming my shaking.
“Relax, Charlie girl. Just enjoy the movie, and eat your box of tacos.”
Charlie girl.
That's the second time he’s called me that. I try my best to push away the thoughts that are stirring aside, and shut everything out.
Trying to just enjoy the moment, and be here now.
With Logan.
We eat our tacos, a box each, and then finish off with twizzlers and wine. Which is surprisingly a good combination.
I sit back, my belly full and my heart content.
Logan sits back next to me, his shoulder against mine. We watch the movie like this comfortably, until I’m completely transfixed on it, and crying like a baby.
Logan's fingers tangle with mine, and he squeezes gently.
I glance at him, but he’s watching the movie.
No matter how many times I’ve watched this, I will always cry.
“I’m sorry.” I whisper, wiping at my eyes.
Logan shakes his head, rubbing his thumb on the top of my hand.
“You don't have to apologize.” he says, turning to face me. I see moisture in his eyes too. “It makes me like you even more,” he whispers. His breath only inches from my lips.
Our faces are so close together that his breath mixes with mine, and when my eyes meet his, everything else disappears.
It’s just me and him.
All I can think about was how his lips felt on mine, and how I want to feel that again.
I can hear the movie playing in the background, and know that we are missing some of the best parts.
“You're missing the movie.” I whisper against his lips.
“I don't care,” he whispers back.
Butterflies flood my stomach, and my heart is beating out of my chest. I wouldn't be surprised if he can hear it.
I look into his eyes, and suddenly I feel everything. I feel the comfort he brings me, I feel the sense of safety.
I feel..love. For the first time in a year, I feel something close to what I felt with Sam, and that terrifies me.
I don't know how I have any love left; I don't know how I’m supposed to give him parts of me that Sam was supposed to be the only one to get that.
I watch as Logan tentatively slides his hand up my arm, to my shoulder, and then to my cheek.
Cupping my face.
His thumb gently tips my chin up, so my eyes meet his, then he brushes his thumb across my bottom lip, and a low moan escapes me.
“These lips..” he pauses, tracing my mouth, and I swear I can't breathe.
“I haven't been able to stop thinking about these lips since I got to taste them.”
I swallow, my mouth suddenly feeling very dry.
“You haven't?” I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.
He shakes his head.
“I’ve been going crazy, to be completely honest.”
He licks his lips, and my eyes follow the movement.
Everything inside of me feels like it's on fire from the tension that’s built up.
“Logan.. I..'' I start to say something, start to object to why I can't do this, but then I think about Sam's letter. I can't do this every time I get close to Logan.
I can't keep coming close to kissing him, only to turn him down and start crying.
I feel my eyes start to sting, and quickly blink them away.
“Hey, look at me.” he says when he notices the tears building. “What's wrong? Talk to me.”
How do I explain that I’m not supposed to be feeling things, but I am?
“I’m scared.” I finally whisper, my voice cracking on a sob.
I blink quickly, and take a breath, trying to compose myself.
His hands come up and cup my face, wiping a tear away.
“What are you scared of, Charlie? Talk to me and maybe I can help you.”
I just shake my head, because I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to tell the guy I like that I shouldn't be able to like him.
The person I love died.
The person who was my soulmate , is gone.
How am I able to have feelings for someone who isn't him?
It suddenly all feels like too much, and it feels like walls are closing in on me. My throat tightens, and breathing becomes harder. I jump up, stepping off of his truck and fanning my face.
Great. Perfect time for an anxiety attack Charlie.
“I can't. I’m sorry. I just can't do this.”
He jumps off the truck after me.
“Charlie what's happening, talk to me.”
But everything is too overwhelming. Sam being gone. Logan being here.
He makes me feel like I’m home, and that scares me so badly.
He makes the loss of Sam feel like it’s not as hard as it once was, because he’s filled something within me.
It's too much and I don't know how to navigate this.
Logan stands there, watching me, his face full of confusion and pain. And I wish I could explain this somehow. I wish I could explain to him that I shouldn't be feeling things for him. Because I do.
I feel so much that it’s like my chest may explode when I look at him.
I want nothing more than to lay in his arms, and him hold me and put all my pieces back in place; that thought is what scares me.
“Charlie..” he says again when I don't say anything.
“This is too much.” I cry, and point to the movie.
“What is too much?”
“Everything. You. The movie, the snacks and food. It's all too..”
“Too what? Too good?”
“Yes!” I sob, grabbing my chest because it physically hurts to breathe now.
I squat down, trying to slow my breathing.
Logan rushes over to me, and pulls me into his arms.
“Charlie, you have to let me in. You have to tell me what's happening here.”
“I’m feeling things, Logan.'' I say, and my heart hurts so much.
He watches me for a second, then runs his hands through his hair.
“Is this such a bad thing?” he asks me finally, and I look up to meet his eyes.
“What?” I ask him, because I’m not sure what he means.
He looks around at everything he set up.
“This…you and me. Is it so bad to be feeling something for me? Because, correct me if I’m wrong, but there's something undeniable between us and it's getting really hard to keep myself from you, Charlie. If you would just give me a chance.”
More tears stream down my face, because that's exactly what's happening here.
My heart wants him, and my head is pushing him away.
“Just let me in, Charlie. Let me in, and I promise you I’ll never leave.” a sob escapes me as he holds my face.
Sam's face flashes in my head. He promised me the same thing, but life had other plans.
“That's not something you can promise, Logan. Life doesn't work like that. How do I know you wouldn't get taken from me too?”
I watch a tear slide down his face, and the sight of that breaks me even more.
“As long as I am on this earth, and able to, I will be here. I won't leave you, Charlie.”
I shake my head. I don't even know what at anymore.
None of this is fair.
“This isn't fair.” I whisper, my voice cracking.
“What isn't fair?” he asks.
“This isn't fair, to him, to you,” I pause, looking down at my hands.
“How am I supposed to give you my heart, when part of it died with him?” I cry, my breaths coming in sobs now.
Logan grabs my face in his hands, a tear sliding down his cheek.
“You give me what's left, and let me love that.”
Another sob escapes me and I lean into him. He holds me, and lets me cry.
“I can't replace Sam, or even come close to giving you what you had with him, but if you let me in, I promise I won't leave you. As long as I have a say in it, I won't go anywhere unless you ask me to.”
His hands are in my hair, his eyes searching mine for an answer.
“Please Charlie, let me in.” He places a hand on my heart, and another sob escapes me.
But I find myself nodding my head.
I want him. I want to feel this. I want to experience this.
Before I can say another word, Logan's lips crash into mine.
Unlike the last time, it's frantic.
His hands are in my hair, on my face, then grabbing me under my thighs and lifting me up.
Carrying me over to his truck bed, he sets me down, and my legs wrap around his waist holding him as close to me as possible in this position.
Logan's tongue parts my lips, and I let him in with a moan.
He wraps his hand in my hair, tilting my head back, deepening the kiss, and I am complete putty in his hands.
He starts to trail down my neck, and the sensation of it has my core heating, filling with need.
I gasp, and moan, unable to handle all these feelings.
My body feels like it's being lit up by a thousand sparklers.
I pull him closer, needing him in ways that I can't explain.
He starts to kiss over my collar bone, and I feel his teeth graze my skin. My back arches into him, and my fingers grab onto his shirt.
“Logan..” I moan, and he groans against my skin, sending vibrations throughout my body.
His lips crash back into mine, the force taking my breath away. He bites my bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth, and I think I might combust right here.
I need more. I need to be closer to him. I need to feel his skin under my hands.
I want him.
I want this.