Chapter 13
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Penelope stared at her in shock, clearly not expecting Jane to sound so... angry.
“I was merely teasing, darling. I apologize if I've offended you,” Penelope said quickly.
Jane shook her head hastily, feeling bad for sounding so cold and upset as she spoke.
“N-No, you did nothing wrong. I just... there is nothing that scares me more. I do not mind the arrangement we have now – Thomas and I, because it allows me some semblance of control. I was always so afraid that marrying would take that away from me. I was scared of losing myself.”
Penelope frowned, shuffling closer to her friend and taking hold of her hand,
“What do you mean? On your wedding day, you said you hated the idea of getting married and I understood what you meant because I had felt the same way too, once. I have no intention of convincing you otherwise, I only wish to know... you sounded so frightened. And I thought it was because of who your groom was. But you have told me that he is a good man. So... why are you still afraid, Jane? What are you afraid of?”
Jane inhaled sharply, trying to dismiss the subject quickly.
“It’s – do not worry. I overreacted needlessly. I am sorry –”
“Do not apologize, Jane. Not again. You have done nothing wrong; I am not upset. I only wish to understand... why? Why do you have that look on your face? What are you hiding?”
Jane could not see what expression she carried, but she could guess what it looked like, could practically taste the fear that had surged within her when Penelope mentioned her parents earlier.
It had tightened like a noose around her neck when her friend had teased her about falling in love, and suddenly she was back at home, watching her mother suffer in silence.
“I... I do not wish to end up like my mother.
When I was younger, she was so radiant. So kind and thoughtful and bright.
She looked at my father as though he had hung the stars in the sky all by himself, but she also treasured me too.
But as I grew older, I watched the light in her eyes dim.
She stopped speaking for herself, never wanting to state any opinion that did not originate from my father.
No matter what he said about me, she would agree with him – not because she thought the same way he did, but because she felt obligated to do so.
Because he is her husband. He disapproved of my lack of confidence and my love for books and she would agree with him, even though it was she who used to read to me when I was a little girl.
“I feared that is who I would be come – a voiceless doll, whose only purpose was to echo the words of my husband. I was terrified of losing the little control I had to a man who would demand that my very existence serves to fulfil his bidding. And so, I made up a story of wanting to find love, hoping it would discourage some men of the ton, buying me some time in the process. Many of them were already disliked me because I preferred to read than promenade or display pianoforte skills. It left my parents very disappointed when suitors left our home, never to return. And after the affair with Cecil and your brother... it seemed that they were at their wits end. My father arranged a meeting between one of his partners and I at a ball and after I had pretended to be unwell in order not to dance with him, my father grew angry with me. And that was when he informed me that he had signed a marriage contract on my behalf and I was to be wed in a week. Which is how I was married off to the duke of Ravencroft.”
Jane was breathless at the end of her explanation, her chest rising and falling rapidly. Penelope’s face was wrought with immense sadness and soon she had wrapped her arms around Jane, holding her in a tight embrace.
“Oh, my dear friend... I did not know you were burdened by such pain and struggle. Why did you not tell us? I am sure we could have –”
“There is nothing that could have been done for me. I – I do not want or need to be fix or to be told that love is wonderful. I know that it has been good to you – marriage and the comfort of having a husband – but we cannot guarantee the same will be my fate. I... I do not mind the way things are. It was the best outcome I could have hoped for.” Jane replied quietly.
“I understand. But I hope that you would not hide yourself away from the emotion completely. You deserve to be loved, Jane. Properly, by someone who will seek to make you happy and keep you safe, rather than claim your control. Do not hide yourself away or confine yourself to the belief that what happened to your mother will be the fate you will partake in as well. If this marriage, with its strange terms give you any semblance of comfort, then you owe it to yourself to enjoy it to the fullest. At least if only for the moment.”
Penelope’s words were like a balm over her tortured heart and Jane felt herself regain some semblance of calm.
“We barely know each other,” she pointed quietly.
“I know you are smart enough to know that it is quite easy to change that. Speak with him more, find reasons to spend time with him. Offer to bridge the gap between him and his son – you did not mention it but I am sure there is such a thing, seeing as he had to marry in order to help his son overcome whatever is keeping him from speaking. Do whatever you wish. But let yourself live.”
Jane was thankful that she had decided to come and see her friend today. It was clearly a good idea, the benefits of which were evident in the lightness of her heart.
“I will,” she promised Penelope.
The other duchess regarded her with an odd expression, then she leaned in to whisper conspiratorially,
“And if you get curious about the... intimate workings of a marriage, you may write to me and ask for advice. I know that it cannot be easy to resist the allure of the male anatomy.”
Jane stared at her in confusion for a moment, then heat rushed to her face as she realized what her friend meant and she quickly rose to her feet.
“H-How could you think of such a thing? I have no interest in –”
“That is what most say! But there is no shame in wanting... more warmth. If you want it, do not fight it. Men are much easier to subdue than you think. If you are able to master the art of the seductive gaze, you can bring him to his knees.” Penelope supplied casually as though she was speaking of the weather.
“I am certain that I do not –”
“And when he touches you, do not stiffen up or try to hide the noises threatening to escape your lips. Do not hide from him, or he will not know how good you feel. Be honest with yourself and him –”
Jane shook her head, holding a hand out to her friend, silently asking her to stop. Penelope looked amused, which only increased the intensity of the blush in Jane’s cheeks.
“I think... I think it is best if I return home now. I don’t – Reuben might miss me if I am gone to long. Thank you again, for having me.” She babbled, walking backwards to the door.
Penelope watched her with a smile, choosing to let her go.
“Of course, dear. You are welcome here, always. Do not forget to tell your husband about my party. I will be counting on your attendance. Both of you.”
Jane nodded, waving slightly before she slipped through the door, Penelope’s laugh seemingly seeing her off to the front door.
Jane felt as though she could not breathe until she was in the carriage. Penelope’s suggestions were utterly ridiculous, even more so knowing that she had crossed that line with Thomas already.
I will be all right, if it never happens again, Jane told herself. However, those words felt rather silly, because she felt as though she had just lied.
She could not deny that it had felt good, every kiss, every caress, every press of his fingers into her. She had wanted more, even, and when she awoke alone in his bed; she had craved his presence greatly.
It was unbecoming and improper and she had only herself to blame. She could only hope that she was strong enough to resist temptation next time.
Jane had not expected to see the duke so soon, much less to nearly collide with him in the foyer after she entered the house. She stumbled backwards and he caught her securely in his arms.
She froze in his embrace, her heart beat getting faster with every moment that had passed.
“I was just... thinking of you,” he muttered. “I had wondered where you’d gone and if you would be coming back at all.
Jane’s eyes widened in disbelief and she quickly extracted herself from his grasp.
“M-My apologies, Your Grace. I went to see a friend and it seems I lost track of time,” she sputtered, smoothing down her dress in a bid to look busy.
“Jane, what must I do to rid you of your desire to be formal?” Thomas sighed, looking mildly irritated.
“I'm sorry, Thomas –”
“Do not apologize. You have returned, that is all that matters. You look as though your little excursion added to your well-being,” he said lowly as he stepped closer to her. “There’s that lovely flush on your cheeks again. It really does make an alluring sight.”
Jane felt the flush in her cheeks spread even further and she stepped back like a startled animal, forcing herself to hold back the whine of compliant as she noticed the tell-tale sign of amusement in the small quirk of his lips.
“That is not – your bedroom. The furniture I picked out for it should be arriving tomorrow. Please be a little patient.”
Thomas shrugged, nodding in the direction of Reuben’s room, as though he had already deduced where she intended to go.
“That is fine. I did not care about any changes being made to my room, but I have surrendered to your orders. Whatever will happen is fine with me.” He told her curtly.
“That is nice... I suppose, knowing that I have your trust. But I can’t help but wonder if perhaps you would be better served by making your own wants known.
If there was something you did not like about what I was doing – even the fact that I had come into your room without permission, you should have told me. ” Jane huffed with a frown.
Thomas frowned, clearly taken aback by her words.
“But I had no problem with it. I understood why you did so. And I have seen the changes around my house, enough to know that it was the right decision to allow you to do whatever you wished. I have no problems with the choices you make, duchess, as long as they are the right ones. Especially for Reuben.”
“Yes, all right,” Jane started, running forward a little bit to catch up to his long strides when she noticed she had started to linger behind him quite a bit.
“I appreciate that you trust me so much, but I want to know what you want. I want to know what you get out of this marriage deal between us.”
Thomas regarded her for a moment, then he turned away, muttering,
“Nothing you should concern yourself with. I will be fine as long as my son is well.”
Jane found it stifling, trying to speak with him and getting absolutely nowhere. She wished it would be easier, to know what to do in order to get close to him, but it appeared that he was rather intent on maintaining the mystery he was shrouded in.
“Then... might I make a request? Two, actually? One of them is for Reuben’s benefit. The other is... for me.” She informed him nervously as they came to a stop in front of Reuben’s room.
Thomas cast a sideways glance to the door of the room, before he focused all his attention on her.
“Go on,” he prompted.
Jane cleared her throat, hoping that she sounded as concise and as deliberate as possible.
“My friend... the duchess of Westerdale is hosting a ball on behalf of our friends, the duke and duchess of Ironwell. And she invited us both. I hope you might be able to attend it with me,” she said.
He did not look displeased, but was clearly not particularly to receive the information he had attained either. Thomas inhaled deeply and nodded.
“When is it? The ball?”
“The date has yet to be disclosed but I imagine we will receive an official invitation once the time is nigh. I... I only wanted to ask you ahead of time.” she replied uncertainly.
“All right. I will accompany you to the ball. What is your second request?”
Jane glanced at the door to Reuben’s room, hesitating for a moment before she shifted her gaze to Thomas. His eyes met hers, the pools of dark green threatening to pull her under swiftly. Hastily, she blurted,
“I want you to have a meal with me.”