Chapter 22
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Jane could not get away from Thomas fast enough.
He seemed intent on keeping her close after that, the warmth between them adding to the weight in her bones that fought against the clarity dawning over her mind.
But she could hardly stay still, not when she had allowed herself to admit something so dangerous in the heat of their tryst.
“I am sorry, Thomas, but I have some matters to attend to,” she mumbled, painstakingly extracting herself from his hold.
He made a noise in complaint, sitting up and reaching for her hand as he asked,
“Must you see to them now?”
His voice was so soft, his touch so gentle and she could feel her resolve weakening at the sight of his pleading eyes.
But she needed to steel her nerves, to cast her glance away in hopes that he would not notice her walls had crumbled too much, leaving her wide open for any and all attacks that might come her away.
“I must,” she murmured, pulling back and out of his reach, pretending she did so only to adjust her clothes.
Jane used the chance to wander to the door, lingering for a moment to look back at him, giving herself the chance to bask in the foolishness of her actions, and the sweet reprieve they had given her.
“Enjoy the rest your day, Thomas,” she told him softly.
And then she slipped out of the room.
In the empty hallway, she allowed herself to breathe, just once, deep enough to fill her lungs and clear her mind momentarily, before she began to hurry to her room.
She passed by startled maids who dropped into a curtsey once she had already moved from where they were standing, barely paying any mind to them. Jane was focused on getting to a place of solace, somewhere she could face her mistakes and let herself crumble.
Once she was in her room, she began to pace around, trying to ignore the lingering feeling of his touch because she had done something very, very bad.
“No one... No one else. No one could ever make me feel like this. No one but you, Thomas.”
She had said those words. She had parted her lips willingly, and admitted such, in the throes of passion.
The worst thing was... she had meant it. Every word had spilled out of her, as naturally as breathing and she could not take them back.
“How could I have done such a thing? Why did I give away something so precious to me? It is all that I have,” she mumbled, sinking to her knees in despair.
There was only one thing left for her to do now. Jane needed to put an end to this thing between them – whatever it was. She had tried previously, but it was clear she had not felt strongly enough about it, and it was only a matter of time before she was swept up by his charm.
It could not happen again. she had given him all of her control – the very thing she had fought hard to keep. The reason why she was prepared to live a life of solitude, rather than to trade away the only thing that made her free for security.
She had given Thomas her control, and she needed to take it back at once.
“This is the only way,” she stated firmly, renewing her resolve.
They were always headed in this direction, their path already determined from the start. She only needed to put her walls back up for the remainder of their time together.
And hope that they remained up.
“– and I believe it is in your best interest to address these concerns as soon as possible.”
Thomas nodded, barely paying attention to what his butler was telling him. Mr Johnson sighed quietly, allowing the duke a moment before he cleared his throat, reclaiming the attention he once held.
“Your Grace, would you rather I gave the reports on your tenants at a later time?” he asked politely.
Thomas blinked, dragging his gaze away from the window, frowning as he realized that he could not recall what they had been discussing previously. After a few seconds of silence – all the while his butler watched him patiently – Thomas nodded slowly.
“Yes... perhaps that would be for the best.”
Mr Johnson seemed to agree quite easily. “I will leave you to your devices then, Your Grace.”
Thomas glanced at the window once more before calling his butler back.
“Wait, Johnson.”
“Yes, Your Grace?”
Thomas paused, wondering how he could formally address the concern that had begun to swirl within him. There was a likelihood that he was overreacting and thinking too much.
But he could hardly deny the sinking feeling in his gut. Ever since the time they spent together – unfairly brief, in his humble opinion – Jane had been rather distant towards him.
He had somewhat brazenly expected that she would feel more inclined to spend more time with him, now that it was clear that there was perhaps something tangible between them.
Truthfully, he did not hold any expectations at the start, but now that they had found themselves in such a situation, he could not bring himself to resist.
Yet... Jane’s sudden demeanour was rather discouraging. She had adamantly kept her distance from him for the last few days, seeming to be only focused on Reuben.
Perhaps that was for the best, yes, but... he could not help the selfish and greedy desire bubbling in him.
“The duchess... is she doing all right? I have noticed she seems rather... preoccupied, as of late,” Thomas said eventually.
The butler hesitated, appearing to be deep in thought for a moment, before he shook his head.
“I believe she is well, Your Grace. I cannot say that I have noticed anything amiss. She has been rather attached to the young lord, but I hardly find that to be out of the ordinary,” Mr Johnson replied.
Thomas forced himself to nod, still feeling uneasy.
“Perhaps you are right... Disregard my words. I am likely thinking too much.”
Mr Johnson nodded, his face passive as he queried, “Will that be all, Your Grace?”
“Yes. For now,” Thomas sighed, relenting.
The butler finally took his leave and the duke leaned back into his chair, his mind swirling with deep thoughts.
His gaze wandered back to the window, peering down to the grass where Jane was seated on a blanket, with Reuben laying beside her, his whole face alight with joy as he painted along the spine of a book.
It had not escaped his notice that they were in the garden – the very one where they had found Eliza’s body and Reuben had refused to set foot inside ever since. Somehow, Jane had managed to coax him out into the open and the child was clearly at ease.
Even now, she was still healing his son, working tirelessly to give him back his childhood.
But... what about Thomas? She had managed to convince him that he was worth something. She had absolved him of his faults, had convinced him that perhaps he was deserving of a better hand than he had been dealt. So why was she suddenly so difficult to reach?
“Perhaps I am thinking too much about this issue,” Thomas muttered to himself, tilting his head back to stare at the ceiling. “I will try and speak with her. This could be a simple misunderstanding.”
However simple it might be, getting Jane’s attention still proved to be difficult. For the rest of the day, whenever he approached her, she would give him some sort of excuse, claiming to be preoccupied.
At first, he had walked down to meet both Jane and Reuben as they walked back into the house from the garden, and she barely let him speak before she said,
“I apologize, Your Grace, but Reuben needs a bath right away. I fear he might have paint all over him, given how enthusiastically he handled his palette.”
And she was gone before he could say more.
He had seen her again, about an hour later, headed towards the library.
“Jane –”
“I promised Reuben that I would be gone for a moment only. Perhaps this can wait, Your Grace,” she dismissively stated, slipping past him.
Later, just after dinner, she said she wanted to spend some more time with Reuben, but that was Thomas’ limit.
“Are you avoiding me, Jane?”
She stopped then, glancing at his face for a moment before lowering her eyes.
“Why would you think such a thing?”
Thomas tried not to scoff, still feeling rather on edge after having to follow her about all day, like a puppy begging for attention.
“Well, you have been strangely preoccupied all day. We have enough staff to run simple errands for you, Jane. You can afford to take a moment to do something else and allow the people who have been caring for Reuben longer than you have to help,” he pointed out, still feeling irritated.
Jane narrowed her eyes and folded her arms, her expression tinged with petulant annoyance.
“Well, I would much rather do it, since I can. He feels comfortable with me, anyway, so I would I want to pass on the duty to someone else? Was the entire purpose of our marriage not for me to help him express himself more and speak? He has been able to do as much, thanks to my consistent efforts, so why would I want to slow down now?”
Thomas could feel his irritation morphing into something petulant and bitter.
“That is not what I am trying to imply. You – look, I feel as though you are upset with me for some reason. We haven’t spoke since – not since that day, which was days ago. And all I want is to understand why.”
He had noticed she had started addressing him formally as well. It was evident she was putting up some kind of wall between them, but Thomas could not fathom her reasons for doing so.
“What I do not understand is why you are acting as though this was not a part of the terms of our deal. Our time together is nearly over, and I am merely determined to give all my attention and efforts to the reason I agreed to this marriage in the first place. There is no need for my focus to shift elsewhere,” she told him, voice cold and gaze empty.
Thomas could feel his heart quiver and shake as it was struck by pain.
He had thought... he believed that things had changed between them.
The way she had spoken to him, the things she had said, the way she accepted him – his truth, his touch and affection.
.. he thought they were no longer bound to the rules he had set.
“Surely, you do not mean that. Jane –”
“We only have a week left. Let us just – just focus our minds on what has to be done, and forget about other insignificant distractions,” Jane snapped.
Thomas stared at her, the truth of what was happening clearer than he was willing to admit.
He had been wrong. Her feeling had remained unchanged, through out their time together, whereas, he had.
And as much as they craved acknowledgement, this thing alive within him that craved her attention, her love and affection, this thing that needed her entirely, he could not force her to do anything. He would not be so greedy and selfish.
“You are right,” he conceded, his heart beating still as it was ripped apart by the words leaving his mouth with every passing moment. “It... it would be best to simply focus on what must be done, ahead of the end of... this.”
Jane nodded curtly, then asked, “Will that be all, Your Grace?”
Against every screaming bone in his body, he sighed and said,
“That is all, duchess.”
Jane turned around briskly, and walked away, taking his heart along.
Thomas watched her walk away, feeling pathetically lost and powerless, but ultimately aware that there was nothing he could do. He could not exert force over her, would not become the monster people feared he was – certainly not to her.
The only option she left him with was to live with her decision.
That as all he has ever been able to do, live with the choices others had made, no matter what it cost him.
And now, once more, he was stuck between a rock and a hard place, and he could feel that the only choice he was left with was to perish there.