Chapter 23
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
“When is the final day?”
Jane could barely summon the courage to face Penelope at that question, but she found a way to muster it, managing to lift her head.
“Tomorrow,” she exhaled, feeling a sharp stinging pain strike her heart at the admission.
Try as she might, the fact that her marriage was on the verge of ending hung above her like a plague for days.
Tomorrow would be last day of being his wife.
She could not ignore it or overlook it, not after she had told Thomas to focus on it.
He had done his best to coax her into a conversation, but all she knew was the trap that lay ahead of her if she were to succumb to him again.
She had already given so much, all of it willingly, and that was the only thing in her life that she had left to hold on to. If she surrendered that too... she would lose her very self.
“And what will you do?” Nora inquired next, refilling her glass of lemonade.
There was only one thing to do, but no matter how much Jane tried, she could not come to terms with the decision she had resolved to carry out.
She tried and tried, but the restlessness was starting to consume her. Every time she gave herself a chance to properly think about it, she was struck by immense grief. It was so difficult to breathe, to convince herself that this was what she needed to do.
But she had no other choice.
“I will leave,” Jane cleared her throat and reached for a crumpet. “Just as we had agreed. It was only meant to be temporary, and at last, we have made it to the end.”
“I can’t help but feel... as though we have arrived at an anticlimactic ending. What about Thomas? What has he said about this?” Penelope sat up straighter, her gaze curious.
The look on Thomas’ face as she had told him that she had nothing to say to him flashed though her mind and she winced, clearing her throat in a bid to remove the image in her mind and the bitter aftertaste it had left at the back of her throat.
“There is nothing to say. We had a deal,” Jane shrugged.
“Yes, we understand that, but... do you really expect us to believe that after you spent two whole months with this man as his wife and the mother of his child, he will just allow you to walk out of their lives?” Nora huffed, folding her arms with a frown. “That is absurd.”
“Well, it was not – we were only married on paper!” Jane protested.
Her friends glanced at each other and snorted indignantly.
“Darling... we are well aware that was not the case. You do not have to pretend, as we were once in your shoes,” Nora said cryptically.
Jane frowned. “What do you mean? Despite the initial arguments you might have had with your spouses, everything was eventually resolved before you married them. How on earth have we walked in the same shoes?”
“What Nora means is that we understand that constant, close proximity with a man who piques your interest can be a... trap that is difficult to avoid. And it is quite all right if you were unable to do so. We simply want to make sure you know that we will not judge you or –”
“There is nothing between us,” Jane cut Penelope off stubbornly. “We had – it was deliberate. I was only there to help his son. He told me he did not need a wife and I was never that.”
“All right, Jane, we have heard you. But... do you not hold any belief that things might have gone differently, if only you wanted it to? Did the duke not express that he would like to continue the marriage?” Nora asked gently.
In truth, the last time she had spoken to her husband, he had tried something akin to that, but she had refused to give in to his whims. It was easy for him, to ask and demand for her life and her service to his needs.
Because he was not giving anything up, he would be comfortable in his situation while she would have to surrender the very essence of who she was.
And she could not do that.
“It doesn’t matter. We had a deal. I would marry him for the sake of his son, and do what I could to help Reuben speak.
It has... it was a long and hard journey, and I believe I did what I could to help.
And I made some sort of difference and although it pains me to leave that sweet boy.
.. I must. I hate that I have to, but I told myself from the start that I would honour the agreement we made, because I never wanted to marry in the first place.
I endured two months of it, and I deserve to walk towards my expected end finally,” Jane replied sternly.
It had not gotten easier, pretending that her lies did not cut into her deeply, leaving behind scars she would have to live with for life.
But she did not have any other choice. This was her only means of survival.
“Well, if you are certain... we only want what’s best for you, Jane dear.
Regardless of whatever terms guided your marriage, you spent a bit of time with that man and his child.
No matter how much you wish otherwise, your souls have touched, in one way or another, and the separation will be hard on you.
But do not hide yourself away during that time, Jane.
We are your friends and we only wish for your well-being.
If you are in pain, if you feel any form of discomfort, please find us.
We are here to support you, always,” Penelope said soothingly, reaching for her hand.
Nora reached for her other one, both of them squeezing her hands lightly, filling her heart with warmth.
“Thank you,” she told them both gratefully, wanting to soak up as much strength as she could from her friends.
Because the Lord knew she would need as much strength and stability as she could when she eventually returned home.
Jane’s resolve began to shake all over again when she arrived home.
It felt strange, walking through the front door as her mind recalled how different the house had been when she first arrived. It was so void of warmth, so disconcertingly quiet in a way that made her wonder if the duke truly had a child or if his true goal had been to deceive her.
Learning the truth had weakened her defenses and pushed her to become someone she had never thought she would ever want to be – a wife and a mother.
And now that the end had arrived as she had known it would all along, her body and mind felt too unwilling to give it all up.
“Welcome back, Your Grace,” Mrs Greene greeted her cheerily with a bright smile.
“Mrs Greene, good evening,” Jane responded, casting her gaze up the stairs but not climbing them yet.
The housekeeper followed her gaze and then looked down at the duchess moments later, then she cautiously asked,
“Is something the matter, Your Grace?”
Oh, goodness, where does one even begin?
Jane swallowed, willing herself to face the older woman properly.
“N-No... I was just thinking about Reuben. Has he fallen asleep yet?”
The housekeeper shook her head, a fond smile gracing her lips.
“Not yet, Your Grace. You know how rowdy he gets when someone other than you tries to lull him to sleep. Miss Becker has coaxed and pleaded with him to get some sleep, but he is rather persistent to have his way. I suspect the poor girl will soon result to bribery.”
Jane laughed a little, allowing herself to smile as she thought of how adorably stubborn he must have been all evening.
“I’ll go and put him to sleep now,” Jane stated as she started up the stairs.
“Oh, but you’ve only just returned, Your Grace,” Mrs Greene protested.
“It’s all right,” Jane asserted. “I would like to see him. Just for a bit.”
The housekeeper curtsied and Jane continued to make her way to Reuben’s room, recalling what it felt like, the first time she had seen him. It had been startling, how empty his gaze was, and she had felt struck with sadness for him.
Although she had doubted her skills then, she still desired to do whatever she could for the child, because he was merely an innocent soul who didn’t deserve to be stripped away of his joy and peace.
And now... she could hardly believe that he was the same one on the bed whose entire face lit up at the sight of her. He slipped out of bed and way from his nanny’s reach, running right into Jane’s open arms.
“Goodness, darling,” she chuckled as he nestled into her embrace. “What have we said about running?”
“Your Grace, good evening,” Miss Becker rose to her feet quickly, looking flustered.
“Good evening, Miss Becker. I hope he has not been too much of a handful,” Jane told the lady with an apologetic smile as she stood, her hand firmly holding onto one of Reuben’s.
The nanny glanced at the boy and gave a strained smile.
“He has been an absolute angel, Your Grace,” she stated.
Jane chuckled, leading the child back to bed.
“Even I know that children are hardly capable of such miracles,” she teased, helping the boy climb beneath his covers. “Do not worry about him. I will ensure that he gets the rest he needs.”
“Are you sure, Your Grace? I do not wish to bother you,” Miss Becker said uncertainly.
Jane shook her head, smiling down at Reuben as she stroked his hair, feeling a gentle tug at her heart strings.
She had tried so hard not to grow so attached to him, unable to dare to call him her son even once.
But right then, in that moment as he nuzzled into her touch, she could not help but feel as though he really had grown to become a piece of her.
A piece she would have to leave behind, come sunrise.
“It is no bother at all. I think we would all prefer it if I took care of him tonight,” she replied quietly.
The nanny did not put on further arguments and she left soon after. Once the door had closed, Jane allowed all her attention to rest on the child below, wriggling beneath the sheets in a bid to get even more comfortable.
“You cannot continue to do that,” she murmured, gently cupping his cheeks.
“She was only trying to help. Do not refuse when others want to help you, darling. Even if... even if you would rather prefer that I do it – that I read to you and sing to you, or eat with you and keep you company until you fall asleep... if I am not there, please allow yourself to be take care of anyway. Because I would be the one to be by your side if I could.”
Reuben blinked at her, once, twice, then he nodded slowly and Jane found herself laughing, tears filling her eyes for a moment.
“I am glad that I got to meet you,” she told him as she rapidly blinked away the tears in her eyes.
“It meant everything to me that I was given the opportunity to care for a soul as wonderful as you are, my darling boy.
I never got to tell you before, but... it was not your fault.
None of what happened was any fault of yours.
So, do not punish yourself. You deserve to be heard, as loudly as possible.
You are a brilliant, bright and wonderful boy and – oh how I wish I could have had some more time with you.
I wish I could have watched you grow, and laugh more and live.
You deserve a good life, Reuben. The best that you can get. I hope that you remember to find that.
“Be patient with yourself, and your father. He loves you more than anything else in this world. He will struggle to show it sometimes, but I hope that you never doubt that you have his heart. Give him a chance to love you as much as he can, as much as he would let you.”
Jane hesitated, knowing that burdening a child with such was not fair, but she did not know what else to do.
She was worried for Thomas, even though she had not let herself acknowledge that fact or even face him.
Ultimately, she wanted him to be happy, with someone else who would hopefully remind him that he was worth the love she could not let herself give.
No matter how desperately her soul craved to.
“Take care of him as well. I know that it will be hard at first, but you are so much stronger than you realize. It’ll be alright, if you only just try to be there for each other,” she mumbled, patting his hair once more with a smile.
“I will be back again to visit you occasionally. You have my word.”
Jane allowed herself to take one last, long look at him, taking in his dark hair and eyes that made him look so much like his father, ignoring the pulsing of her heart that was about to burst with all the feelings she held for them both.
This was the end and she needed to see through what was to come.
“Sweet dreams, my precious darling boy,” she whispered, pressing a kiss to Reuben’s forehead.
She lingered for a moment, seated with bated breath as she hoped that he would say something to her, wishing suddenly that she had committed his voice to memory all those times he had given her the chance to hear it.
Absently, she prayed that later, when life became difficult once more, she would be able to recall every chuckle and word she had heard from the boy’s lips.
Just as she expected, Reuben said nothing, but she was not disappointed. She smiled at him, pulled his covers tighter around his body and then she worked up the courage to stand.
“Good bye, Reuben,” she muttered, before she turned around and left the room.
The moment the door fell shut behind her, a tear rolled down her face.