Chapter 24
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Jane had thought that the hardest thing she would ever have to do would be to come to terms with a marriage she did not want and had no part in agreeing to.
As it turned out, this was the hardest thing; leaving the home she’d found away from the one she was raised in, and leaving behind the people her heart had grown to yearn for.
She had more things now, somehow, dresses and gifts the duke had ordered to be procured for her and with every item she put away into her luggage, the heavier her heart grew.
It was still early, and hardly any of the staff were awake yet, but Jane’s head was loud with the thoughts that had kept her up all night as well.
A part of her ached to stop, to refuse to keep their initial bargain, just to see how Thomas would react. But that would be pointless – not to mention impossible because she was still afraid.
She had begun to imagine gradually but eventually transforming into a replica of her mother. She could see her voice being used only to echo the ideals and opinions of her husband, her whole life tossed aside like rubbish, its sole purpose put towards the contentment of the duke.
And that crippling fear that stopped her from moving forward in this life she had built – one she almost wish she had gotten more time to revel in and to soak up all the joy and peace it had provided her with – urged her to return from whence she came.
As Jane put away her last item, there was a soft knock at her door. Inhaling sharply, she rose to her feet and walked to the door, not surprised to see the duke on the other side of it when she pulled it open.
“Good morning, Your Grace,” she curtsied, her voice feeling foreign to her ears.
Thomas stared down at her for a moment, then he nodded in the direction of his study.
“Follow me, duchess. Let us talk.”
She nodded, and trailed after him as he led her down the hall, fighting the urge to busy her hands as her anxiety over the situation grew. In the study, Thomas pointed at the chair that faced his desk and as she settled down in it, he made his way to the one on the other side.
He leaned forward and folded his hands on the desk, every movement so deliberately slow, she could not help but focus on them. It took a few moments in his presence for Jane to recall why she had tried her hardest to steer clear of Thomas for the few days.
Although her mind was determined to stand its ground – usually – her body only knew to want him. It horrified her each time she thought of how much warmth they had shared, the pleasure he had shown her as she inevitably realized that she would not be able to get it from any other man.
She had never thought to want such things, never knew she was capable of such thoughts and now, seeing him again like this, recalling everything he had told her... she felt as though she was being ripped apart beneath his cool stare.
“The day has finally come,” Thomas began, tilting his head slightly.
“Truthfully, I might have been desperate to have someone who could help my son, but I had no proof that my plan would work. It was simply... blind faith. But I am glad to see that I was not wrong. You have done well, duchess. You have my thanks.”
Jane nodded, feeling her nerves threaten to get the best of her.
“I am glad I could be of assistance, Your Grace. It was not without challenges, but it was a worthwhile task. And I am pleased you find the results adequate,” she responded.
“More so than adequate. You did exceptionally and you should be proud of your achievements,” he stated casually, but his tone still carried an edge that hinted the formality was hard to maintain.
“Now, onto the matter at hand. As per our deal, this marriage was only meant to last for two months, and it would be followed by our separation once the mark had been reached. I will file the annulment documents, so you needn’t worry about that.
And I have decided that I shall return your dowry, and provide you with a house of your own.
This will give you some independence, which I understand is something you wanted more than anything. ”
Jane felt her mouth open in shock, but it took some effort to get any words out.
“What – I beg your pardon, Your Grace, but you do not need to –”
“That is incorrect. You gave much of yourself to this family and to the estate. You did more than I expected. I cannot have you return empty handed – especially when I know who you are returning to. If your parents were that difficult to bear when you were married, I do not wish to imagine what they would be like now. At least, you should have a place to seek solace, even if it is not here. Not anymore.”
Jane shook her head. “My dowry is one thing, but a house – that is too much, Your Grace. Please reconsider.”
“I will not,” he stated firmly, his gaze pinning her into place and filling her with immense heat. “The house will be in your name, even if you do not wish to use it. And you will always be welcome back if you want to see Reuben. Always.”
She faltered and dropped her gaze to her hands, struggling to breathe through the emotions welling up in her throat.
“I do not know what to say,” she murmured.
“That is fine. You only need to accept it. And this as well.”
Jane looked up as he lifted a portrait up from behind his desk and handed it over to her. As she accepted it, startled by the sudden gift, her gaze flittered over the surface and she recognized it at once.
It was the one he had made the night he had asked her to pose for him in his art room. The pose was familiar, as was the folds of the dress she was wearing in the portrait, but she could not recognize the woman in the painting.
Jane had never thought of her looks as anything special.
She knew her personality alone helped discourage men from speaking to her and prompted other ladies to make snide remarks about her.
And she was content simply living a mundane life alone, as long as it meant that she could hold onto the control over her life.
But in this painting... she looked beautiful. She looked free and adored immensely, her skin radiant and eyes exempt of the pain and loneliness she had felt in that time.
“You recognize it,” he said rather than asked.
Unable to speak, Jane nodded, her fingers tracing over the surface lightly, entranced by the colours and controlled strokes of the brush.
“It was an honour to have you as my first muse. It was an enjoyable piece to create, and I would like you to have it.”
Jane nodded again, sinking her upper teeth into her lower lip, willing her tears not to fall.
“Thank you... Your Grace. For everything.”
And with that, she stood, portrait in hand as she turned to leave his study, knowing that if she looked him in his eyes again, she would yearn to run into his arms.
It was not easier after that, to put herself together and leave.
But she did what she could to wrap the pieces of her mind and heart as haphazardly as she could in order to do what was necessary.
She had wanted to leave as early as possible, without giving Reuben any clues on what was happening, which was why she had said her goodbyes the night before.
But as the maids carried her luggage downstairs, she found herself wandering to his room, and when she was in front of his door, she reached out to open it.
He was still asleep, just like she expected him to be, his dark hair a mess of curls on his pillow as he breathed softly, his limbs strewn across his sheets carelessly. He looked so peaceful and pure, Jane could barely hold back the tears in her eyes.
“Good bye, Reuben. I pray that you grow up to be a happy and healthy child,” she whispered as she allowed herself another moment to stare at him.
Then she turned around and left his room quietly.
Downstairs, she found the rest of the household assembled in a straight line by the door and her heart fell even farther.
“We wanted to thank you properly, for all you have done, Your Grace,” Mrs Greene informed her, looking as though her entire world had caved in on itself. “You were a wonderful duchess, Your Grace. And we will not soon forget your kindness. We wish you well on your future endeavours.”
Jane nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat as she told them,
“Thank you. Thank you all, for making me feel at ease and for taking such good care of me. Every moment I spent here, I felt immensely blessed and fortunate, all because of you. Please, take care of yourselves. And help me care for the duke and the little lord. They will need your guidance sometimes, as I did, and I hoped that you will offer it.”
Mr Johnson bowed and replied, “We will, Your Grace.”
As though they had silently been prompted to do so, the other members of the household bowed as well and Jane inhaled shakily, lifting her head as she walked through the door and out of the house.
The carriage already had her things and all she needed to do was climb inside and leave. She wanted to turn back and give the estate one last look, but her resolve was fracturing and it was getting harder and harder to convince herself that this was all for the best.
So, she did the best thing for herself and accepted the assistance the footman into the carriage, closing her eyes when she settled inside and heard the door close.
After a moment, she told the coachman, “I'm ready.”
The reins snapped and the carriage began to move forward, leaving Jane to sob quietly within as she was taken away from her home, hoping that leaving her heart behind was a good decision.
Thomas stared down at the courtyard from the window in his study, willing Jane to look back.
If she did, even once, he might find the courage to ask her to stay. He knew he had no right to do so. He was aware that she had already given more than he deserved, but he wanted her. His body and mind craved to be close to her, yearned for her voice, her smile, her gaze to find his.
And he was willing to allow his greed to control him, just this once.
“Jane,” he whispered under his breath as she walked to the carriage, taking note of her rigid posture. “Jane, please. Just once. Turn around once. Please.”
But she did not. The footman helped her into the carriage and she was gone from his life forever.
Thomas watched the carriage roll off his property and out of sight, but still he stood there, unable to feel much more than the suffocating pain in his chest.
He had never known anything like this – this wanting, this despair.
His life had been bleak and dark for as long as he could remember, with nothing at all encouraging him to live like an actual human being. But she had come along and changed all that in so little time.
So... what was he to do without her now?
With a sigh, Thomas settled back in his chair, feeling weary and frustrated. His throat itched for the burn of a drink, but it was so early and he did not wish to render himself useless for the rest of the day. So, he sought to invest himself in his work instead.
The butler had brought his breakfast an hour later, but he ignored it, determined to make himself useful. But it was hard to focus, when his mind was more intent on showing him all that he had given up by letting Jane walk out of his life.
He missed the feel of her skin beneath his touch, the way she shuddered when she neared the edge of her pleasure, how sensitive she was and how easily he drew such pretty sounds from her lips.
He missed the way she squinted at him in disapproval, how she smiled at him when he talked, perhaps not realizing how fond her gaze was.
Thomas had told himself that he had wedded for Reuben’s sake – that is what he claimed. But eventually, he had gotten a taste of the woman he had sought help from and he knew his life would never be the same again.
And now, he had surrendered the one person who had made him want to live again. It had only been a few hours since her departure, yet he was already falling apart. How was he meant to survive her absence?
Eventually, he poured himself a glass of whiskey and allow the burn down this throat to numb his mind for a moment. Then he took the bottle and glass with him back to his desk.
He remained there for most of the day, surprisingly conducting his affairs better than he assumed he would be able to. He was certain this hardworking side of his would fade as soon as the sun set, but he wished to remain distracted for as long as possible.
Thomas pressed forward, urging his eyes to study documents and willing his mind not to wander. He lost himself to the process and nearly did not notice when the door to his study fell open, glancing up to meet the gaze of his son.
For a moment, he simply stared at Reuben, blinking slowly as he began to wonder why the child was there. Reuben glanced around the room, then peered under the desk as though he was looking for something.
Moments later, his nanny arrived at the door of the study.
“My Lord, I have told and begged you several times not to leave me so suddenly – oh! My apologies, Your Grace. He slipped away from me and I could not catch him fast enough,” Miss Becker apologized, looking as though her life force had depleted.
Thomas shook his head as he watched Reuben walk around the desk to where his father was, only for him to ignore the duke in favor of looking behind the desk.
“What... what is he doing?” Thomas asked, confused and almost amused.
Miss Becker glanced at the child, her expression dimming as she replied,
“I believe he is searching for the duchess, Your Grace. He’s been like this since breakfast.”
Thomas felt his heart shatter again. He had been so caught up in his own feelings, he failed to consider how Reuben would react when he learned of Jane’s departure.
Clearing his throat, Thomas reached for Reuben, tugging him closer gently.
“She is not here, Reuben. You won’t find her here,” he said calmly.
Reuben frowned for a moment, then he stared up at Thomas intently, as if he was asking where she was.
“She’s gone back to her home, Reuben. It’s just us now. Like before. But I am here with you, all right. Whatever you might need, let me know and I will provide.”
Reuben shook his head defiantly, and Thomas tried not to take the rejection personally. The boy narrowed his eyes and his father recalled when Jane had told him that Reuben was trying to be heard without speaking.
“You will be able to hear what he thinks and feels just as easily if he had spoken if you only looked at him. Give him some attention and let his thoughts reach you,” she instructed once.
And looking at his son now, Thomas could hear the question in his mind clearly.
When will she return?
Thomas smiled sadly, reaching out to pat Reuben’s hair as he forced himself to speak the truth.
“I do not know. I am not sure she will be.”