Chapter 25
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
“Isuspected thing might be bad, but I decided to give you the benefit of doubt. I see now that I was wrong to do so,” Edward remarked dryly as he wandered into Thomas’ study.
Thomas sighed in annoyance, pointing at the door grimly.
“Leave, at once. I have neither the time nor patience to deal with you today.”
Edward tutted, waving a hand in the air dismissively.
“You never have any patience to deal with me, which is why we are fantastic friends. As for time, you certainly have plenty, seeing how you are intent on wasting away here.”
Thomas could not find it in him to refute the statement, because he could tell, based on how he felt and definitely looked, that he was a mess.
The last week had been the most difficult one of his life. He was finding it hard to cope without Jane, and it showed clearly, seeing as he had been unwilling to spend anytime anywhere other than his study.
He barely slept, barely ate, more interested in the contents of the expensive spirits he owned and the items on his desk. It was safer this way – better for his mind if he did not roam around what used to be his house and now stood as a museum of his memories of her.
Jane had become the very essence in the household, she had given them so much life, had helped them believe that there was a future ahead of them. But now that she was gone, there was little in them that wanted to live, much less thrive.
“I fail to see how that is any of your concern,” he responded sourly, refilling his glass.
“I have long since abandoned any hope of you being vocal of your appreciation of our friendship, but I know that you feel it deeply inside,” Edward sniffed, reaching for the glass and pulling it out of reach before Thomas could pick it up.
“So you say,” Thomas glared at him. “What is it you want, Montford?”
Edward shrugged, looking far too comfortable in the face of Thomas’ ire as he replied,
“I was aware that your marriage had reached its expiration date and I thought I should visit in an effort to show solidarity. And support – not that you will never admit to needing it. This place is back to being a void, depressing dwelling, as it once was. How on earth did you manage that? It has only been a week!”
“Strange, it feels like eons since I've seen her,” Thomas mumbled, feeling a headache settle.
“Where is your son? How does he feel about your decision to waste away in whiskey? Is this even a good kind? It is one thing for you to drink your life away, but I will be damned if you were to drown in the cheap stuff meant for low class bars,” Edward frowned, peering into the .
“In his room, I suspect. He hasn’t spoken a word since she left.
He doesn’t even play anymore. He just...
reads, according to what I have been told.
He stays up for as long as he can, bent over a book illuminated by a candle light, no matter how many times he is told that he will ruin his eyes that way.
It is getting rather frustrating, how intent is he to not listen to what anyone says,” Thomas stated, irritation and sadness mingling together to create a feeling he was unsure he could manage.
“That sounds rather concerning, Ravencroft. Perhaps you should summon your now former wife to have a word with him. This cannot go on for much longer – you cannot continue to live like this either. Send for her at once.”
“No,” Thomas replied without hesitation.
Edward blinked, disbelief etched across his features.
“No? Why on earth not? Your child is trying to render himself blind and you are drowning in spirits. Why won’t you ask for her help?” he snapped in annoyance.
“I do not see any point in doing so, because she doesn’t care. She clearly wanted to leave, so why would she come back now to ‘help’? It would make no difference,” Thomas frowned, eyeing the bottle as he considered just drinking straight from it.
His mind was starting to regain some clarity and he could not help but feel angry at himself.
This situation was disgraceful and he felt humiliated that Edward was here to witness him at such a low point.
It was disappointing, how quickly he unravelled because of a woman who did not want him as he had wanted her.
“I have never seen a mule as stubborn as you are being now. She cared enough to have changed your life – and that of your child – when she was here. Just call her back, Thomas. Have you even arranged the papers for the annulment?”
The question was a stab through his heart and the answer was obvious to Edward, who folded his arms and asked, “Why not?”
Thomas continued to remain silent, feeling the need to explain himself when Edward began to curse under his breath.
“I have been... rather preoccupied, with other things. I need to manage my estate and business, just like I had before Jane walked into our lives. I will handle it later,” he said, not sounding as coherent to himself as he had hoped he would.
“That is ridiculous, and you know it. It will not take very long to put them together. You are choosing to waste away in guilt because you failed to keep her with you. She left because you were too much of a coward to express that you desired more out of your marriage –”
“It is not like that. She did not want more!” Thomas protested.
Edward made an indignant noise, deciding to prove that he was just as stubborn as Thomas.
“How would you know when you never brought it up?”
“I tried –”
“Did you? Consistently? Or did you make one attempt and give up after being rejected? You had weeks, to tell her you wanted to review things, but you did not take the chance. It hardly makes any sense – you wallowing in regret now, does it? So why wont you simply end things properly? So that you both can move on –”
Thomas felt the vague control he had over his emotions shatter and he snapped angrily,
“I do not want to move on! If I annul our marriage, it becomes real. The fact that I could not make it work somehow. And I do not know how to live with that, because... because I love her. I have never felt this way – never known that I could want something or someone like this. I want her so much and I cannot stop my selfishness when it comes to her. I knew that there was a chance things might have gone the way I wanted but she... she doesn’t want me.
She never wanted to marry and I did not want to trap her in a situation where she could grow to resent me.
But this final step... I cannot bear the thought of severing the only connection left between us.
I do not deserve her but I cannot help but want her.
I know my limits and I did not wish to force her to stay, but.
.. it is harder than I thought – coping without her. I cannot stop myself from yearning.”
Thomas gestured at the half full bottle on his desk and the empty ones that littered the floor by his desk.
“It is not ideal, but this is the only way I know to manage this. I keep trying to manage without her, but it feels as though something is broken within me. I need her, more than anything and so those Reuben. But at what cost?” he asked quietly.
He could hardly describe just how it felt to be without her now. It was as though he was missing a vital part of himself, and there was no hope of reclaiming it. His life felt bleak – even more so than it had been previously and he was not sure he could find a way to bring himself to live properly.
She would want that, for both he and Reuben to thrive somehow. But he could not picture a future without her. Perhaps that was not fair to his son, but he could tell that Reuben felt the same.
Edward sighed, shaking his head slightly as he spoke.
“I understand how you feel, my friend, but you need to think of what to do next – for the sake of your son at least –”
The door to his study burst open suddenly and the housekeeper walked in, her eyes wild as she bowed hastily.
“My apologies for the intrusion, Your Grace. It was important and – well – it’s the little lord, Your Grace. He’s gone.”
Thomas felt his heart sink and he rose to his feet immediately. “Gone? What do you mean he’s gone? What happened?”
Mrs Greene wrung her apron between her hands, her eyes looking wet as they darted between the men.
“Well, he had been looking rather sad these days, so we made it a point of duty to escort him on short walks – even if it was just indoors, in order to not have him confined to his room. One of the maids was walking with him, and she said he looked a tad hungry so she told him to wait while she fetched him a biscuit from the kitchen. When she returned, he was nowhere in sight. She informed me and we began to look for him but... it has been nearly forty minutes, Your Grace. We’ve searched every corner of the estate, but he simply is nowhere to be found,” she explained, her voice shaking.
Thomas’ mind began to spin as panic settled into his bones.
This was his fault. If he had paid more attention to Reuben – if he had tried harder to hold onto the boy and comfort him, instead of drowning in his own sorrows, this would not have happened.
“Search the estate again. Have some maids search the rooms in the house and lock up each one they have searched one they have confirmed that he is not inside. Ask the footmen to search the grounds. I will join them there,” he instructed, trying to remain calm.
The housekeeper nodded, then she hesitated for a moment.
“And t-the duchess? Shall we inform her? Perhaps she would be able to help –”
“No,” Thomas said curtly. “We should not bring such concerns to her. Let her live her life peacefully.”
“But Your Grace –”
“Do as I say!” Thomas snapped at her angrily.
Mrs Greene scurried away quickly and Thomas moved as well, headed for the door, irritated when Edward held him back.
“Hell’s bells – what it now? My child is missing! I do not have time –”