Chapter Nineteen
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Old and New Curses
G randpa Wilde sat in his opulent office, the scent of his cigar blending with the odor of fresh paint. The corridor was being repainted, and the knocks and bangs of minor repairs made his brain throb. ‘Nights in White Satin,’ by the Moody Blues, serenaded him. He leaned forward, his cigar in hand, and grinned at the photos sprawled all over his desk as Beverly kneeled before him, resting on her knees, her tight, wet perfect mouth wrapped snugly around his throbbing, thick shaft. He flipped to another photo on his desk, his eyes drinking in all that was before him. A beautiful heat flushed his body, each muscle burning with anticipation.
“Take all of that cock, honey. Down your throat it goes… You know how I like it… Mmmm… that’s it…” he grunted as he neared climax. Slipping a beringed hand beneath the desk, he grabbed a clump of hair from the back and wound it tightly around his fist, ushering the red-headed s iren down his shaft as she held the base with both hands. Her ruby red nails dragged slowly along his pubic hair. Echoing sounds of her feverish sucking and slurping filled the room as he rocked his hips slow and easy, delivering more of himself into her mouth. His hips bucked faster, and he groaned as he gripped the edge of the desk and ejaculated inside of her mouth.
“Uhhh! Uhhh….” He breathed hard and heavy as she swallowed his cream, then released him and got onto her feet. Snatching a tissue from the box on his desk, she dabbed the sides of her mouth, quietly got dressed, then re-buttoned his shirt for him. “Thank you, darlin’.” He popped her on the ass, and her lips curled in a pretty smile.
“Anything else you need, baby?” she asked as she leaned over the desk and looked him in the eye.
“Nope. Nothin’ except for you to get the fuck out of my office.” He chuckled and ran his fingers tenderly along her chin, but he meant every word he said.
“Okay.” She shrugged, looking a bit disappointed. “I guess I’ll see ya when I see ya, Mr. Wilde.” She stood straight, blew him a kiss, tossed her hair to one shoulder, then exited his office, closing the door behind herself. Fact of the matter was, there were too many women biting at the chance to be his next wife. He was never getting married again—he’d sworn to that after the explosion of his last marriage. Now he had beautiful women who would practically beg for him to fuck them—all to get a piece of that Wilde money, and a taste of the good life. No one had made him turn his head more than once in a long, long while. Besides, gorgeous women were a dime a dozen .
He was in great shape for his age. He played golf twice a week, swam, ran, and lifted weights. He didn’t need any of those fucking blue pills, either. He ate right most of the time, and as long as he was able, he was going to continue fucking, but with no strings attached. It made things far too messy. Why should he buy the cow when he could get the milk for free? Grabbing a tissue from his desk, he dabbed at his now limp dick, tossed the wad in a gold trashcan, tucked himself back in and zipped up his pants. The sounds of ‘Morning Has Broken,’ by Cat Stevens, appeased him.
As he adjusted his clothing, he came to a decision. After reviewing the information from the private investigator for a second time, he was ready to make his move. He reached for his phone and dialed.
“Boss,” came a gruff, yet youthful voice on the other end. “How can I help you today?”
“I’ve got some news.” Grandpa grinned as he stroked his beard, then brought the cigar to his mouth. “Looks like Lenny boy is just like my son. Chip off the ol’ lusty block. They like, shall I say, exotic fruit. Darker berries.” He chuckled.
“Dark berries? What do you mean, boss?”
“He’s got himself a fucking woman…” He was met with silence.
“Uh, really? Lennox? Are you sure?”
“As certain as an ant’s attendance at a picnic.”
“Not to question you or anything, but Lennox is always around women.” Sam chuckled. “I mean, it’s part of his job. How can you be sure that this is a serious thing and not some fling? In fact, he had a threesome about a year or two ago and—”
“Oh no, Sam. This is different. Much different. Lennox was definitely a bit of a playboy some years back. Besides, it’s in his blood. Can’t fault him for that—being all beefy, good lookin’ and all—but this little chocolate chip spent the night.” He burst out laughing and slammed his fist against his desk, giddy as can be. “Bitches never spend the night over Lenny’s house, Sam. He gets them the hell out right after he fucks ’em. When he’s serious about a lady, he keeps her… lets her stay. I’ve watched him over the years. I know his patterns when it comes to these things. He even ordered her breakfast… He’s been taking her places, too. They look like salt and pepper love birds.”
He gripped one photo of Lennox standing at his front door, looking all lovesick as the beauty to his beast left his home. “He’s in deep. Got it bad for her.” Got himself some good, juicy, black pussy, I see… He sneered as he examined Nadia’s face. It can be addictive, Lenny. Best be careful.
“Well, isn’t that interesting. You called her a chocolate chip and mentioned somethin’ ’bout salt and pepper. Is she Black?” Sam laughed.
“Can’t get nothin’ past you, can I? You genius, you.” He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, Sam. She’s Black. Pretty little thing, too… Nice ass. Nice tits. Gorgeous legs…” He flipped to other zoomed-in photos of her. “Ya see, that’s Lennox’s weakness, besides his mama. He has a soft spot for women, but especially women that come from the wrong side of the tracks. Just like his daddy. Lennox is captivated by beautiful things, Sam… Just like me. He loves him a pretty filly to have on his arm. He’s not quick to fall in love, but when he does, he’s done for. He falls hard. He likes ’em rough around the edges, too… and nasty.” His tongue jetted out as he squelched the urge to laugh. “This lady seems to be just his type.”
“Nasty? What makes her nasty?”
“She’s a fucking whore!” he yelled. “A gotdamn stripper and sex worker on that site… what tha fuck is it called? Only Friends?”
“OnlyFans!”
“Whatever! She shakes her ass at some big time Gentleman’s Club where the ballers have to pay top dollar to even get in the door. Supposed to be the best of the best. I don’t go to strip clubs myself. Haven’t been to one in probably over a decade.” He cleared his throat and sat taller. “If I’m gonna pay all that damn money, then somebody is going to suck and fuck me before I walk outta those doors.”
“Hell, yeah!” Sam burst in laughter. “Just a bunch of teasin’.”
“She’s been a stripper for a while, too. A veteran. Even teaches pole dancin’ classes, it appears. She’s went national.” He laughed. “Can you believe they have awards for this shit? Regardless of her entrepreneurial spirit and good looks, she’s a fucking slut. Just like my grandson’s mama.” A wave of anger rolled against his throat. “I finally found the wild card. Lennox is playing hardball.” He tossed down the stack of photos and swayed back and forth in his chair. “From my understanding, he’s spoken to an attorney, too. Still tryna verify that.”
“Really? I would’ve thought he’d avoid that sort of thing, to try ’nd not get his father wrapped up in this.”
“You’d think, but obviously he’s up to something. See, Sam, that’s the thing about your cousin, Lennox.” He drummed his fingers against the desk. “People think he’s just some gym rat, when in actuality he’s exceptionally clever. The boy’s looks can be deceiving. He’s awfully wily and duplicitous. He’s also made appointments with some law folks. I’m not certain who they are, but I don’t like what I’ve been seeing. Now, this could all be for the gym he’s tryna open for all I know, but I doubt it. He’s making moves. I gotta give it to him.” He shook his head and smiled dismally. “I didn’t think he’d go that route. I figured he’d try and strongarm me, since he can’t buy his way out. He’s broke.”
“I thought he was middle-class?”
Wilde rolled his eyes. “That’s broke to me , Sam!”
“…Oh.”
“Now I’ve got some leverage. I’ve got the girl’s name and address, but don’t know a lot about her yet. We need to get to diggin’ on her, find out her story.”
“Okay, got it.”
“I want you to go to the club she works at, Sam, and also check out her OnlyFans page. I’ll fill you in on the rest of my strategy in a little bit, but first confirm her work schedule.”
“Okay, yeah, just send me her info and I’ll get right on it.”
“If I can’t make him move to my side of the field by shaming his mother and her family with the truth, or exposing his crimes from the past, then I’ll make him move because of his dick and bleedin’ Liberal heart. I may still do all of that, but this thing right here? This he’ll definitely care about.”
“Boss, I have a question.”
“Yeah, Sam…”
“I thought, uh, I thought you said you didn’t care who any of us dated and married?”
“I don’t.”
“Well, uh, why is this—”
“Because it’s the only way to get what I need! I will fucking destroy him and this woman if Lennox doesn’t do what I tell him. Either way, he is gonna move, Sam, gotdamn it, and then, he is going to fall into a hole he can never climb out of! He’s been evading me! He’s become more emboldened, too! He’s gotten influenced by Kage, of all people, and his own father can’t get control of him! Lennox was my show pony. He’s the calm, level-headed one, but now he’s diggin’ in his heels and doing strange shit behind the scenes that I can’t just yet figure out. Lennox went as far to threaten to rat himself out, beat me to the punch, in order to remove any clout I had in regard to contacting the right folks about all of those murders for hire he has tucked under his belt. He looked me in my eyes and told me this, and I’m a lie detector, boy… He meant it.
“That tells you right there that he’s committed to fuckin’ with me every step of the way, and making this as hard as he can! Now, it’s war. It’s the principle! THAT MOTHERFUCKER WOULDN’T EVEN EXIST IF IT WEREN’T FOR MY NUTSACK! He’s an ungrateful son of a bitch!” His entire face went red hot, and his body felt like an inferno. “Sam, let this be a lesson to you, too. As in the story of Adam of Eve, boy, you know a woman will always bring a man down.” He panted, and then exhaled, calming himself. “If it wasn’t for his mama, then it had to be a different bitch altogether, right? As the song goes, ‘What you won’t do, do for love’ and Lenny, you’ve tried everything, but motherfucker, Grandpa Wilde won’t give up…”
…Later the next day
Nadia had fallen asleep while talking to Grandma on the porch. She vaguely recalled the old woman helping her onto her feet and shepherding her inside. When she woke up, she was in the guest room, covered in thick pastel sheets with old fashioned flowers painted on them.
The stuffy room was full of doilies, lace, and fake flowers jammed into plastic vases. A big painting of a White Jesus hung on the wall, and beside that was the Lord’s prayer with a torn Dollar General price tag still on the corner of the gold frame. She got up, ate some breakfast, then had some coffee with Nana. Nadia loved visiting her grandmother in the old house that smelled like coffee, fresh linen, spices, and lemon Lysol. Even though she was there under not the best of circumstances, it still felt right. Magical. She always recalled it smelling that way, and that gave her comfort. Made her feel all warm and gushy inside.
When she was there, she felt so safe and at ease. Like she could breathe. The only time she felt the same was when she was with Lennox.
“I’m proud of you.” Nana leaned lightly into her, her face tipping towards hers as they sat across from one another on the porch, enjoying the early morning sunlight.
“Thank you, Nana. That means a lot to me. I’m proud of you, too.”
“Proud of me ? What for?” The woman beamed.
“Proud that God chose you to me my grandmama. I couldn’t wish for a better one.” Nana’s complexion deepened. “Here I am sittin’ on this porch the morning after bein’ at the police station, then here for the rest of the night. What a difference a day makes. I can’t do this anymore. This has to stop, Nana. I’ve had warning after warning, sign after sign. Today was my last day workin’ at that club. Any club.” She sighed. “I’ve overstayed my welcome.”
“You can stay here long as you wish, baby.”
“Nana, not here, I mean with my job.” She grinned, then gave a light laugh.
“Oh, I see. I heard you on the phone with your new boyfriend this mornin’…” Nana’s lips curled in a mischievous grin. “You ain’t tell him ’bout last night.”
“Not yet. He’ll raise the roof.” She bit into her lower lip, not looking forward to that conversation. “The past came back to haunt me. The past’s name was Lennox.” She smiled sadly. “That man knows the best and worst of me. Running into him drudged up a bunch of old memories.”
“Good or bad?”
Nadia reached for her coffee. “Most of ’em good. Some of them, not so good.” She brought the rim of the cup to her lips. Its heat made her upper lip feel prickly and moist. “He asked all the wrong questions for all the right reasons. He wants me, Nana… He wants me as a friend.” Her stomach stirred and butterflies took flight. “He wants me as a lover. As an everything. Said he’s gonna make me his wife.” She took another taste, then set it down. “He’s movin’ too fast. At least that’s what I tell myself, and yet, at the same time, the pace seems just right.”
“I can’t have nobody else hurtin’ my grandbaby. You believe in your heart of hearts that he’s sincere?”
“Yes, ma’am. He’s sincere. I can feel it. We love each other.” She smiled so hard, it hurt. “When we first started seeing each other, he turned down sex. With me . Can you believe that?” Nadia asked sarcastically as she pointed to herself, and they both burst out laughing.
“He must be a keeper then ’cause you know ain’t no hot-blooded man gonna turn down no cookies from a pretty girl.” Nana slapped her knee. “’Specially a man that’s been pining over you for years.”
She loved that she could speak to her Nana about anything and everything. No subjects were off limits, except for JoAnn’s Pandora’s box.
“So, an old friend opened new doors. That’s beautiful, baby. Walk through them then. See what’s on the otha side.”
“I will. I’ve got to.”
Nana sighed. “So, you’re makin’ moves. What’s the plan for the future, baby girl?”
“Well, I’ve been reading a lot lately, mostly self-help stuff, and thinking about my life in general. Health, career, everything. Thinkin’ about getting a therapist, too. I know our family don’t talk about that sort of thing.”
“I don’t know much ’bout that, baby. We was told to let God carry our burdens, but I ’spose God gives man gifts, too. We’re supposed to help one another. Maybe it does some folks some good.” Nana shrugged.
“Mama said a therapist don’t do nothin’ but make you feel worse than you already did fo’e you walked in their door, but then turn around and charge you for fallin’ apart in front of them. Said she’d charge me half that price, give me a Coke, and throw in a free pretzel,” she scoffed. “Anyway, I even looked at taking online law classes while I work. Now that I’m quitting, I can focus on it full time. I got enough money saved up to last me while I do this. Should be able to pay for it, too. Maybe that was God’s plan all along, you know? For me to learn some things, go some places… then try again. I guess I’ll find out soon enough.”
Nana’s eyes lit up like bright stars. “Oh, Nadia!” She brought her hands together and rocked back and forth. “My prayers have been answered. All I wanted you to do was try ’nd get back into your schooling, ’cause it was so important to you. You were doin’ so well, too. I told you back then and I’m tellin’ you now, you’d be a great lawyer.” Nana’s eyes narrowed as she drew serious. “You’re so smart. Just like your mama.”
“I miss school, Nana. I finally admitted it to myself. I love learning, and I would enjoy trying to get back into the swing of things.”
“What type of law was you goin’ into again, honey? I can’t remember.”
“I was focused on family law. That’s what I’m plannin’ to return to. I know I learn fast… and… and I have a good memory. I test well. I always did well in school, actually, ever since I was a little kid.” She ran her thumb along her palm, warming the flesh to an unnatural heat. “I just feel so old to be starting over.” She hung her head, feeling some type of way. “But I’m also too young to stay put. I’ve been praying lately, too. Ain’t prayed in a long while. I got my answer last night.”
“You’re doing some spiritual traveling, huh? Only you don’t have as much baggage as ya Mama. Your load is easier to carry.”
…And there it was. The first rock unturned. Nana reached for her coffee, the one with extra cream and too much sugar, gripping the black mug tight, and mustered a shaky gulp. She’d inadvertently shined a flashlight on the dark mystery of all that was Mama. Or maybe it wasn’t inadvertent at all? Now, the theater curtains were opening.
They were quiet for a spell, letting the silence do the talking.
“…Did I ever tell you about the time I almost died?”
“No. I would’ve remembered a story like that.” Nadia leaned back and got comfortable. She could see in Nana’s eyes that she was going to gift her; with the truth.
“My first husband was the hot-tailed devil walkin’!” Nana’s face balled up like a brown paper bag wrapped around a liter of whiskey. “He wanted to keep me pregnant, but I kept miscarrying. See, back then, big families were more common. Less birth control ’nd such. If I stayed pregnant, it would be harder for me to get away from him. He never said those words, but I understood the situation just the same.” Nana’s eyes glossed over with an emotion that Nadia couldn’t read. “Besides, I wouldn’t be able to afford to leave him, not with children up under me. By the time I was eighteen, I had three of ’em already. I love all of my children, but I wasn’t ready to be no mother, Nadia. Back then, we’d dabble with different concoctions for this or that, including home remedies to get rid of a baby we didn’t want to bring into this world.” Nana fretted with that same thread that hung from her robe again, her gaze averted. The breeze picked up, blowing curly bits of her hair around that weren’t bobby-pinned in place.
“It worked? The home remedies?”
“…Sometimes. Made you sick as a dog, but you had to catch the pregnancy early for it to have a chance. In the first three or four weeks was best. That wasn’t always easy to do. After that, it was far more difficult. Risky. Well, one day, I came home after havin’ one of the ladies that did such work take care of me, and—”
“How’d they do it? The women that would help with things like that?”
Nana’s eyes hooded and her complexion drew ashen. “All sorts of ways women tried. Teas. Oils. Those were not always successful. I wanted a sure thing this particular time around. I went to Ms. Claudette who’d vacuum you out… the uterus.” Nadia nodded in understanding, keeping a straight face, though her heart broke deep on the inside. “She was an old woman. In her nineties, I believe. She was from Sunnyside .
“She’d been a nurse. I’d had it done a couple times by her. It had worked. She wasn’t free, though. I would have to steal the money usually. Couldn’t wait too long by workin’ an odd job and savin’. She charged twenty dollars. That was a lotta money back then. I’d take a lil’ bit here and there outta your granddaddy’s wallet, but not enough for him to notice. It still was never enough. I’d make up for the rest by stealin’ tips off restaurant tables… things like that. On the third time I needed her, something didn’t go right.”
“What happened?”
“She did her usual thing, but afterwards, I was havin’ troubles. I was bleedin’ a lot. I went on home with some herb medicine, and pads she gave me. She tol’ me it would be the last time ’cause my body couldn’t take it no more. I went home and blacked out. Well, that man found me on the kitchen floor.”
“Shit.”
“Right! Took me to the doctor right away. Doctor say, ‘She was pregnant and miscarried.’ That devil got me home, put me in the bed, and gave me the medicine the doctor gave me to stop the bleeding. I could see in his eyes he knew what I’d done… He ain’t say one word. He sat down ’side me for a long while, even held my hand. Then, soon as I second guessed myself and got ready to fall asleep, he stood tall like an oak tree. He looked down at me, balled his fist real tight… weak as I was. Hate brimmed in his eyes. I couldn’t move. Scream. Say nothin’. He swung his arm back,” Nana imitated the gesture she described, her eyes wide and dark, as if she were reliving the nightmare, “and he punched and slapped me so hard that I passed clean out. When I came to, I realized he’d beat me up some more, and had his way with me.”
Nadia’s stomach dropped, and she felt her lunch repeating. The juice from breakfast. The coffee, too. The sunshine from that morning. The night stars from last night. The bird that had been chirping, before it was just a swallowed memory. Everything repeated and burned her throat, heart and soul. She pushed herself to the back of the swing and squeezed her eyes shut so hard, it hurt.
“Nana…” She finally built the nerve to speak.
“I know, baby. I know… But you need this. The truth. So, I’ll tell you.” Nana blinked back tears. “I looked at myself the next morning and saw he’d beaten me black and blue from the neck down to my thighs. I ain’t recall none of it, ’cept for that first punch and slap. I told you a long time ago that I only married Lawrence to get out of my mama’s house, away from her and my uncle. She ain’t want me in there no way because her husband was making passes at me, and she blamed ME for it. ’Member? My daddy was dead soon after I was born. This was her new man. Frank.”
“Yes… I remember.” Nadia’s soul was filling with rage.
“I had to get away from this man, baby, but I ain’t have no money and nowhere to go. Not with all three of my babies. I didn’t have Dee Dee and Percy ’til later when I married Princeton. Anyway, it was just me, JoAnn, Tina, and Larry Jr. After a few weeks, I went to my mama, asked her if I could stay wit’ her. I told her what had happened. She said no, just like I figured she would.” Nana crossed her arms and sucked her teeth. “Said that Frank don’t want a bunch of kids in his house. That wuddn’t none of Frank’s house. He ain’t lay one brick, or pay one mortgage statement. That was my daddy’s house! His blood, sweat ’nd tears got that place. Not Frank.
“Anyway, I told her that if I ended up dead, it would be her fault. She pushed me out into the world, and the world swallowed me up. I told her she could write that in my obituary, too. I ain’t say nothin’ else, Nadia. I turned to walk away, leave from that house and never return, and she called out to me. She left outta that room and returned with a gun. She placed it in my hand. Squeezed my fingers around it. She ain’t say nothing else, nor did I. We understood one another just fine.
“For the next two months, I managed to save up ’bout fifty dollars ironing people’s clothes, scrubbing floors, making soap and sellin’ it, doing hair, anything I could. I would give your demon of a grandfather half the money, and he thought that was all, but I kept the rest. He ain’t never want me working, but he allowed this ’cause he could use it to go gamble or whatever it was he was doing after work that didn’t involve a bottle. I packed up a few things, set ’em aside, and was planning to get me a one room place to rent. It was all I could afford. As long as it had a sink with running water, a hot plate, and some place clean for my babies and me to lay our head, it would be okay.
“I already had talked to the landlord and everything. I was allowed to stay there for six months until I could get on my feet, as long as I paid the rent on time and kept my children quiet.”
“How were you able to pay the rent?”
“I made dresses and clothing for children outta scraps of cloth.” Nadia smiled at that. “I was good at it, too. And odd jobs. That way, most of the time I could stay wit’ my babies. I always paid rent first and saved a dollar here and there so we could get an apartment later on. The landlord of the room for rent was an old Catholic man. I can still remember his voice and see his face.” Nana smiled sadly. “Mr. Sullivan was a widower. He ain’t even like Black folk according to the neighbors, and I heard him curse, spit and let that ‘nigger’ word slip out towards other folks quite often, but he had a soft spot for me for some reason. Even gave me free butter, cookies for the babies, and day-old loaves of bread on occasion, and he ain’t ask for no cookies and milk in return, either.
“Just the rent paid on time, and peace and quiet is what he wanted. I imagine racism for him was a complicated idea. For some reason, he didn’t see me as no nigger. I guess some racist White folks can do that inside their heads. Think, this Black gal right here a nigga, but that Black gal over there, ain’t. Anyway, I got everything just so to move into this place, and your grandfather wasn’t due home for a long while. I called a cab. Borrowed money from a neighbor for it. And me and the kids, with our bags, a little baby in tow, made our way out the do’e and to the car waiting for us. That devil pulled up to tha house, tires screechin’! I ain’t tell nobody I was leaving him, so I don’t know to this day how he found out.
“Anyway, he jumped in my face like a toad on a pogo stick, and swung his arm back again to slap me. Nadia, everything inside of me exploded. It was like an out of body experience. I pulled out that gun my mama gave me and pointed it at his face. Pushed it right into his big nose. I said, ‘I’ll shoot yo’ ass dead as a doornail and send you to meet yo’ maker, you nasty, greasy mothafucka!’ And I meant that shit, too.”
Nadia stifled a gasp and fought a bit of mirth, too. She seldom heard Nana curse, but it was evident as the old woman relayed the story, she was knee deep in a flashback. PTSD at its finest.
“I was ready to shoot that pistol, Nadia, and I wanted any excuse he gave me to do just that . If he’d even breathed wrong, his face was gonna be on the ground in a thousand bloody pieces. That monster stepped tha hell outta my way, I promise you that! He was cussin’, tellin’ me I was stupid, that I’d be begging him to take me back, and that I couldn’t take care of no three kids by myself no how. On and on he went. I ignored him, got me and my babies in that cab, and I ain’t look back. Next time I saw him was in court for the divorce. I tol’ that judge, a big ol’ White man, everything that yo’ grandfather done to me. That big White man with big ol’ jowls, and little thin bird lips, wearin’ that black robe looked over at yo’ grandfather and told him he deserved to die, but the law wouldn’t let him do it. Granted me my divorce on the spot.”
The coffee was gone. Her throat was dry, her mind whirling. Nadia got to her feet, grabbed both of their mugs, and entered the house. She refilled them with more fresh coffee and returned to her grandmother, only to find her looking towards the tree where the chirping bird had been earlier that morning. Last night, she didn’t see the bird but knew it was there, sleeping in the nest in the darkness. The tree in the sun looked alive, fresh and vibrant. Last night, it was a big, tall thing in shades of black.
All birds have to eventually grow up, fly towards the sky, and find their own way, even if it’s in the dark of night…
“Don’t be so hard on my JoAnn,” Nana mumbled, her eyes still on the sparrow that once was… “She come from a mean ol’ father who hated her, too. He ain’t want no girls. I gave him two of ’em.” She chuckled. “I was young, didn’t know what I was doing. I made mistakes,” Nana said in a low voice, her eyes sheening over. “Your mother had a hard life. No support or relationship with her biological father. We barely saw him. That was for the best, but it still hurt her so. She wanted to make everyone happy, but couldn’t. Now, here’s something else. Don’t you ever repeat this.” Her eyes grew right serious.
“I won’t, Nana, I promise.”
“My baby never admitted it to me, but I think one of the delivery men touched ’er when she was ’bout eleven or twelve. I asked her over and over about it. She said no.”
“What made you suspect it in the first place?”
“’Cause other girls in the building was getting hurt by him. She started acting different, out of the blue. That delivery man disappeared all of a sudden after word was getting around about him messin’ with little girls. I remarried. My second husband wasn’t too keen on JoAnn ’cause your mama spoke her mind, even as a child. She didn’t like or dislike her stepdaddy, though. I think Princeton felt the same about her. They just tolerated one another. Eventually, she grew up, met your father and fell in love. Then she found out he already had an old lady.” Nana shook her head.
“That about broke her in two because she was pregnant, and had no clue she’d been gallivanting with a married man.” I thought mama said she found out after they were divorced? “Ya mama told me she felt stupid. She hated that more than anything in this world… feeling like someone had pulled the wool over her eyes. As you know, your father’s first wife left him after she found out your mama was in a family way. Mama definitely didn’t tell the story that way when I was little…She must’ve been embarrassed for me to know the truth. Maybe she thought I was too young to understand?
“Yeah, she never talks about it much.”
“So, the two of them got married when that was all settled. He seemed right apologetic and convinced me and her that his marriage had been over a while back—it just wasn’t official. Well, wasn’t long after they exchanged vows that she found out he was cheating. That about sent her over the edge. After that, I saw her change yet again, Nadia. I asked her about her feelings, and she wouldn’t talk.” Nana sighed. “Your mama was never the same afterward. That was it. I never heard her speak of no man again. Obviously she’d entertained them a time or two ’cause your brother came on down the pike.” They both laughed at that. “But I imagine that was a one-off situation.”
“Nelson was an oops baby.” Nadia smiled sadly. “At least that is what he calls himself. He acts fine about it, you know, and Nelson’s life is good, but I think deep down it disturbs him that he doesn’t know who his father is. Mama tried to fill in the gap. All she said was that his father went away and she couldn’t find him. We both believed her. I imagine she’d let him if he wanted to be active in his life.”
“Baby, I believe yo’ mama, too. JoAnn is many things, but she never lied a lot. Everyone tells a tale now and again, but I can’t say my child was big on makin’ up stories. Nelson may have been an oops baby, but she loves him just the same.” Nana blinked slowly and sipped her coffee, her gaze fixed on that tree.
So that’s how JoAnn became JoAnn… She moved in silence. Her feelings stayed close to her heart, after it was broken. First, by a father who was using her existence to enslave a whole living soul: Nana. That’s the curse. Souls trapped by pain. And rain.
That’s the kiss of spiritual death. It’s not the fists that land on your gut. The open hand that cracks you across the face. It’s not the curse words, and damnations. It’s not the emotional and psychological abuse within itself that tears you completely down. It’s not the retraction of love. It’s the fear of becoming a victim once again, of losing yourself. Fear of trusting someone who then turns around and stomps on your innocence. Perhaps it was a grinning delivery man who offered you a cherry lollipop in the hallway of your apartment building, then slipped his dirty, calloused hand up your skirt and made you promise not to tell? Maybe it was the father who never wrapped his arms around you, unless it was to subdue you for a spanking that was more for his own needs than yours?
The family curse is a venomous beverage. It’s a jinx drink, a dark spell punch, a strong, bright red brew spiked from the juices of foul fruit and fermenting fear. Many are forced to drink it, and it burns on the way down. It’s served like communion, with a death wish and a half-hearted prayer representing the body of Christ.
The curse falls upon those that are not watered in the garden, their dry roots twisting around them, strangling who they were truly meant to be, and who God intended them to become. The curse blocks blessings. The curse is knowing that you’re in pain, but pretending you are not. The curse is pride and prejudice. The curse is staying in a bad situation because it’s all you’ve known, or you’re afraid to be alone, with your angels and your demons. The curse is saying yes, when the correct answer is no. The curse is getting in bed with old scars, picking at them to make them bleed all over you once again, and bathing in the blood of the past. Never allowing yourself to move on, grow, and heal for the future. The curse is covering emotional ache with acts of physical violence.
It’s lashing out at an invisible demon that won’t turn you loose. The curse is hiding behind toned, glitter-covered limbs and painted mouths under the electrifying glare of seductive, spinning lights, obscured behind a fortress of lust, so that the saving grace of love won’t find you…
The curse is a liar and a thief, masquerading as a truth-teller and a giver to the world. The curse is created from our own unjustified hatred of ourselves and others who resemble our suffering and failures. The curse thrives on torment and anguish. The curse is not the blood that flows from between a woman’s legs, but that which flows from that woman’s heart. Because the heart is open and free, until the first trauma erupts. It’s a venomous vine that pushes out of thick concrete and destroys all hope in its wake. It creates desperation and a skewed reality, and yet, it is protected by its victims at all costs, even while we watch it sink all of our hopes and dreams like quicksand…
The curse is a disease of the soul. Shame of it all, is that we don’t even know that deep inside of us, we’ve always had the cure…
Perhaps the bird in the tree wouldn’t mind your malodorous fungus, dented sides, and putrid, sweet flesh as you rot from the inside out, filling the air? Maybe she’d serve worms from your decaying soil to her babies after all, and then you dying within won’t be in vain? Or maybe you’ll sip orange juice at night with your Nana, or coffee in the morning time, and smile inside and out because you’ve looked the curse in the eye, refused to drink another drop of that fucking Kool-Aid it serves and finally stood up to it and said, “WE ARE DONE. NO MORE. I WON’T DRINK FROM YOU, EAT FROM YOU, TAKE FROM YOU, OR GIVE TO YOU. I AM TAKING MY LIFE BACK…YOU ARE DISMISSED!”