Chapter Eighteen
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Roll of the Dice
I t had been a long but fairly uneventful night. The buzzing of the music at work kept spiraling in Nadia’s head while she fought a mild headache. Perhaps it was the cigarette and cigar smoke, too? She hadn’t consumed any wine or liquor so her mind was clear, yet she felt a wave of dread, as though some trouble was afoot.
She pushed it aside and reached for her water as she made a left turn at the light, taking a couple deep gulps of the refreshing, cool beverage. The street lights beaming onto the quiet street gave her a sense of peace. It was a little after two in the morning, and most people were tucked in their beds.
Looking in the rearview mirror, she noticed the car. Again.
She’d noticed it a few minutes prior, too. A vehicle was sticking behind her, making the same turns as she had, going in the same direction. She decided to make another left at the next light, which caused her to double back where she’d already driven. A perfect block. She casually looked at the rearview mirror for a third time, and watched a man’s profile behind tinted glass make the same exact turn. So this is what we’re doin’ tonight, huh? Polishing off the water, she tossed the empty canteen onto the passenger’s seat.
Nadia maintained the same speed limit, driving an even thirty-five miles per hour. She then calmly reached into the center console of her car and pulled out Dolly. She placed the cool metal of Dolly’s sleek steel body against her hip. Nadia had two decisions to make. Take the chance on driving to the police station to lose the person pursuing her, or send them a clear message so they’d never bother her again. Deciding to give peace a chance, she headed in the direction of the police station, and made a hands-free call.
“See? This is why I need to move to Kingwood,” she mumbled under her breath as the phone rang. On the third chime, a woman answered.
“Houston Southeast Police Department, how may I direct your call?”
“Hi, I just need to speak to someone in general. This isn’t a 911 situation.” She glanced quickly in the mirror at the car behind her. “Yet. I just need a police officer to meet me outside your station.”
“Why’s that, ma’am?”
“I have someone followin’ me on the road. I made several turns and they made the same ones, and ain’t hardly nobody out here but me and him.”
“Okay, what’s your name, honey, and what is the color and make of your car?”
“My name is Nadia and I drive a black Ford Fusion. I just got off work.”
“Do you happen to know who is following you, or is it a stranger?”
“I’ve had this happen before, it kinda comes with the job, but this time I am ninety-nine percent sure it’s a customer of mine.”
“A customer?”
“I’m a dancer at a gentlemen’s club, ma’am. Sweet Soiree.”
“Okay, I understand. Do you know his name by chance?”
“Only his nickname. Dice. Tall guy with a beer gut, and a mouth full of gold teeth.”
“Can you tell the make and model of his car? The color, too?”
“It’s a white Mitsubishi Eclipse with some white dice hangin’ from the mirror.”
Suddenly, Dice got right on her bumper, riding it hard. The headlights blinded her. She winced, and quickly flipped her rearview mirror in his direction to reflect some of the light back at him. He stayed close. She swallowed and looked ahead, gripping the steering wheel a bit tighter.
“Can you see his front license plate number, Nadia?”
“He’s too close right now for me to see it, but when he was farther away, I did see a lil’ bit of it. The first four numbers, I believe, were 4722. He’s got—”
“Okay, how far away are you from our station?”
“’Bout eight minutes, according to my navigation screen. Now he’s doing some strange stop and start motions, like he’s drunk. He’s stoppin’, then runnin’ up fast on me, tryna scare me.”
“Okay. Try to keep calm, and I’ll stay on the phone with you.”
“Alright. I’m calm, though, just giving you the play by play.” She approached another light on a desolate tree-lined street and suddenly felt her car jolt forward. The maniac bumped her vehicle with a light tap. “Damn it! Ma’am, he just hit my car.” Now, she was no longer calm…
She slowed down.
“Don’t get out of the car, Nadia. It may be a trap. Make sure your doors are locked, too.”
“Doors are locked. I’m well aware that this is a set-up, but now he’s gettin’ out his car. The door is opening. Probably about to lie about accidentally hittin’ me.”
“Is your car too damaged to drive away?”
“No.”
“Drive forward. Act like nothing happened.”
“Okay.” Nadia knocked her gear out of park, and kept driving as before. The man quickly jumped back into his car. She sped up, and so did he, then she approached another light, her heart knocking against her chest.
The light turned red. She had to stop.
Suddenly, the bastard put his car in reverse. For a split second, she was hopeful he would abort mission and leave, but then she saw him barreling towards her at an ungodly high speed, and he rammed into her a second time. This time, much harder.
“Nadia, what was that noise?” the woman questioned .
“This mothafucka hit my car again!”
“Nadia, I am dispatching an officer to meet you. Keep driving towards us. Stay on the line.”
“At this point, my life is in danger, and I won’t make it there in time. Nor will the police officer you sent to intervene.”
“Nadia, he’s almost there. If you can drive your car, do so now.”
“I don’t have time for none of that because this son of a bitch is backing up again!”
BOOM! The man hit her car a third time. The jolt forced her forward, almost knocking her out of her seat into the windshield. Her head became dizzy and her seatbelt dug into her skin, burning her flesh, but keeping her secure and in place. She quickly gathered her bearings and then saw his driver’s side door slowly opening.
“Ma’am, he’s comin’ again! He’s approaching me. The light has went a full cycle and is red again, and he’s about to be red, too. YOU GOT THE RIGHT ONE TONIGHT, BABY!”
“Nadia… Nadia!” the woman screamed. “Don’t get out of the car!”
“Oh, sweetheart, that won’t be necessary. I can do this all from the comfort of my seat.”
Nadia sucked her teeth, rolled her window down, gripped Dolly like the bitch owed her money, and stretched her arm out the window, directly at the figure emerging from the lights and shadows.
She aimed it at his head. He was nothing but a menacing outline due to the bright headlights of his car, a shadow full of darkness, but light illuminated all around him like a chalk outline. Perhaps foretelling of things to come?
“Dice mothafuckin’ Incel the Third!” He stopped in his tracks as he seemed to suddenly realize she was holding a metal friend. “I ain’t wanna do a VIP with’ yo crazy ass tonight, turned you down, and THIS is what you do?! Bet! I got somethin’ for that ass!” In a flash, he turned around and ran. She shot in the air as he jumped back into his vehicle. “NAW! WHERE YOU GOIN’?! You don’t want a lap dance no more, boy?! Dance to these bullets, bitch!” She enjoyed watching him panic, his shadow bopping around in the car like a nervous wreck. “I WILL BLOW YO’ DUSTY EGGLANT-HEADED ASS RIGHT BACK INTO THE SNATCH THAT BIRTHED YOU, MOTHAFUCKA!”
She got out of the vehicle and fired at his car, shattering his back window as he hauled ass past her in a blaze of smoke from his squealing tires. Heart pumping, chest rising and falling like an accordion, she slipped back into her seat and closed her eyes, her throat sore from screaming, and her chest radiating dull pain from the adrenaline rush.
“Nadia, are you okay?” the woman on the phone asked.
“Yes ma’am… he’s gone now.” She took a deep breath. “He was gettin’ out of his car after he tore my back end up. I shot at him. My gun is licensed and registered, and I know how to use it.”
“Officer Duncan is one minute away. Do you believe you injured him, ma’am?”
“No, I purposefully did not ’cause I don’t want no media attention and no court case. Just did enough to make him go away.” She put her car in drive to see if she could finish her route, shave off a few seconds. She could, but she heard a lot of reverberating, knocking, and dragging from her ride. “He damaged my car real bad, but I can still drive it I think.”
“No, stay right there. Officer Duncan will meet you, assess the situation and damage, and go from there.” Nadia could hear the sirens now. “Another officer has already been sent to find the person in question. It’s okay, darlin’. Everything is fine. Help is on the way.”
“Help was already here.” She glanced at her gun now lying on her lap, and smiled sadly. “But I appreciate you all the same…”
Shaking her head in disbelief, she wiped a tear from her cheek. A tear born of pure rage and misery.
…A short time later
It was a little after three in the morning and Nadia found herself on Nana’s porch. Nana was a notorious night owl. Tonight, she was happier than ever about that. She needed the woman’s warm arms around her. She needed an angel on earth.
Nana didn’t ask any questions when that doorbell rang. She looked out the peephole, opened the door, and welcomed her grandchild inside. Now they were once again sitting on the porch while rap music played from next door. They enjoyed the blanket of blackness and stars, the insects singing a tune, and the balmy night air, with a nice breeze passing through every so often.
“Well, you filed the police report so it’ll be only a matter of time fo’e they get him.”
She sensed a trace of irascibility in her tone.
“I’m done, Nana.” Nadia took a sip from the glass of freshly squeezed orange juice her grandmother had given her.
“Done with what, baby?”
“Done with it all.” Nadia waved her hand, her jaw tightening in disgust. “I asked for a sign, a true sign to be finished with this career, and this was it. I have been followed home many times over the course of my dancin’ career. It’s not that within itself—it’s the energy it attracts to me. Dancing can be beautiful but what it attracts ain’t so pretty all the time.” Nana nodded in understanding. “I have had bodyguards from the club I worked at in Atlanta escort me so I’d make it home safe.
“I’ve had men somehow get my number and harass me. I’ve had one guy try to rob me while I was still at work. He saw me comin’ out of the restroom and tried to hem me up against the wall. I kneed him in the nuts and got away. I’ve had to help other dancers not get their asses beat by crazy boyfriends or some pimp that had gotten his hooks into them.” She placed her juice glass down and shook her head.
“You were a friend.”
“Well, that’s another dark side to this. Nana, I ain’t got many friends.” She lifted her hands in the air, then let them fall against her thighs. “I know plenty of folks. Got a whole lotta associates. But friends? Naw. Some women are intimidated by me because of what I do. I do it well. I ain’t the prettiest, but I’m one of the best. I’m a foodie, but I work hard on my body, and I practice what I’m doing. I keep my mind sharp. I do what needs to be done. I don’t have a drug or drinkin’ problem like some of them do, and this isn’t me thinkin’ I’m better than nobody, ’cause I’m not. I’m just sayin’ that I’m not as broken as some folks, and it makes things easier for me. Women can be funny acting sometimes.”
“Well, when you live in a world that tells girls they ain’t worth nothin’ if they not married and got babies, that’s bound to happen. We see ourselves through the eyes of men, baby. Read a magazine, and the cover say, ‘How to drive yo’ man crazy in bed!’” Nana chuckled. “Or, what do men like?’ And then it gives a long list of the perfumes they like on us, the makeup, the hairstyles.”
“It’s called male centered.”
“Huh? Male centered?”
“Yeah. What you described, Nana, is what my mama found out is called ‘male centered,’ and she told me about it. It’s when we hurt ourselves, our best interests or other women, just to get or keep the attention of men. Some folks in the black community call ’em mammies, or Pick-Me. Another variation of that term, is a Pick-Me-Esha.”
“Hmph!” Nana shook her head and crossed her ankles. “I ain’t know they had a name for it.”
“Yes, they sure do, and it keeps us women apart from one another. Makes us compete with one another, for scraps. Like gangs over streets that we don’t even own. I think I have a friend, one minute, you know? And then she starts acting strange. Think I’m going to take her man, so then all of a sudden, they don’t want to hang with me no more.” A flush of heat consumed her. The thought of that reality made her madder than what had happened that evening—the whole stalking and police situation.
“My only friends, Nana, are other strippers, and some of them ain’t really friends either because they might have jealous or hateful hearts after somebody done them wrong in the past, too. ’Fraid me or someone else is going to get all the money. Some of these dancers are worse than everyone else, as far as friendships are concerned. If you’re pretty, they hate you. If you can dance yo’ ass off, they hate you. If you are a crowd favorite, they hate you. If your body is nice, they hate you. I can dance, and I’m a crowd favorite. I also keep to myself. So now I get called stuck up. Don’t get me wrong. There’s a few ladies at the club that I get along with just fine, like even, but that’s not the norm. One young lady I actually mentor. Her name is Lydia, and she’s a doll baby. Her mama died when she was young, and she ain’t have nobody, but she’s more like a niece than anything else.
“Sometimes you’ll meet a sweet one though, and I know a few right now that I have drinks with every now and again, but I end up pullin’ these types of girls aside, just like Lydia, and tellin’ them to get their money and leave fast. Take that money and go to nursin’ school, or shoot for the stars and become a doctor. Invest in a business. Buy some property and rent it out. Go get your real estate license, or move somewhere nice. Don’t stay in this shit like I did.”
The two women were quiet for a while.
“Why do you think you stayed with it so long, Nadia? I thought you was happy? You never told me all of this. You never told me you hated it.”
“I don’t hate dancing, Nana, but I don’t love it anymore, either. The plan was to stack my money so I could finish school and live well. Then, after I dropped out, it was to start over. I wanted to travel the world, too. I wanted to eventually finish school, but first, I had all of these plans to see places. I did travel a little…but it would have been better with friends. Real friends. Like I said, I can’t keep many friends, Nana—not while doing this sort of work—so girls’ trips were sometimes out of the question.
“Relationships have always been strange for me, too. Once a man knows you strip, he thinks he can buy anything from you, including your soul. I never date anyone from the club. That’s a rule of mine. When I meet a man outside of the club, I’m honest about my profession. If the guy knows you are a stripper and says he’s cool with it, he won’t be for long.”
“I imagine they get jealous.”
“Soon as he starts fallin’ in love with you, he starts acting possessive and crazy. I’m not putting up with that. I’m not about to sit around and baby somebody, or spend my life tryna convince them that I’m loyal. You either believe I am, or you don’t. I don’t move like that. I’m too old for this. My fuse is short now, and like tonight reminded me, if I don’t pull away from this, someone is gonna end up dead, but it won’t be me. I got the sign I prayed for, so that’s that.”
Nana’s lips thinned, and she swiped at her eye before offering a stiff yawn.
“I want you to do whatever makes you happy, Nadia. You tol’ me the otha day that you wanted to go back to school. Seems to me all the signs are there for you to let this thang go, and do just that. You’re still young. You got time to start ova.”
Nana offered an exaggerated wink, making her feel better.
“I see your mama all in you right now, girl… I mean that in a good way.” Nana’s lips curled in an approving smile. “You’ve got a different path than hers, but y’all are similar in so many ways. Beautiful like your mama, too.”
“Thank you, Nana. I need to know how and why you see my mama in me. You told me about some family curse the other day, but I want to stop this thing. I feel the need to connect with something. It’s a spiritual thing.” Nana nodded in understanding. “I need a lifeline. Can someone please give me a map?”
“We all go a different route, Nadia. My map don’t look like yours, and yours don’t look like the baby that you may one day carry.”
They glared at one another.
“Our maps are different, Nana, but we’re all tryna get to the same place. As a teenager, I didn’t listen to you or Mama. Now, I’m listening. I promise I am.” She swiped a tear away.
“You don’t need any guidance, sweetie. You’ve fallen but always got up.”
“I get up, yeah, but each time I fall, I am a little less steady on my feet, and have more bruises. Some injuries can be avoided with education. I don’t need you to be my crutch. I don’t need you to be my ride to the destination. I need you to just point the way. Who is JoAnn?”
“You’re askin’ me to betray my daughter, baby.”
“Nana.” Nadia closed her eyes and fought tears of anger. Grief. Sadness. Her body shook like a bone rattling song. “I don’t know nothin’ about no family curse, sounds like an excuse, but at this point, anything is possible. What I do know is that I’m full of piss and vinegar, as you like to say. I’m on the verge of ending up like my mother, in the bad ways, too, but I don’t want to!” She blotted away more budding tears. “Is that what JoAnn would want? Is that what you want? I got a change comin’ outta me.
“I’m sittin’ on yo’ porch at this crazy time of day—it’s still dark out, and yet we’re up drinking orange juice as a bird sleeps with her babies up in that tree. My car was messed up and got towed to an auto shop due to some asshole who couldn’t take rejection, and because of that, I had to Uber over here. My boyfriend is none the wiser and may hit the roof when I tell him what happened to me tonight, ’cause when I tell him, it’s going to take me, the National Guard, and five professional wrestlers to keep him off of Dice. Something has turned a light on inside of me, and it is tryna make me see! I’m hurting! I’m proud of my progress, but I gotta keep moving. I’m ready! My pain ain’t just from Mama. My daddy broke my heart, Nana, and now he’s dead. I’ve got a lot going on inside! My car and filling out a police report are the least of my concerns right now!”
“Nadia, as far as your father, he can’t do nothin’ now because—”
“That man had a whole ’nother family and left me in the dust. He was my first example of how a man should behave. I have had countless chaotic relationships. I’ve been raped before. It happened when I was sixteen. Maybe if he was around, it wouldn’t have happened.” She saw a little life and light leave Nana’s eyes. “Same age you got married the first time. You know about the assault in college now, Nana. It was a medical miracle that I had even survived that attack. You and I have had the same crap happen to us, Nana. It ain’t right. Different journey. Same map! Closed mouths do more than not get fed. They keep horrible secrets. Closed mouths keep the hurt alive!”
She quickly wiped another tear away, holding her head high. Her voice quaked as everything crashed down at her feet. Nana also seemed on the verge of breaking down.
“I’ve got LeRon harassing me still, too…”
“LeRon?! But I thought that court case was closed?”
“It is. He don’t want to accept the verdict, and he can’t accept that I don’t want him no more and moved away. Mind you, this is the same negro who cheated on me, gaslit me to smithereens, and all sorts of devious mess. He’s a narcissist, and I didn’t even know what a narcissist was until after I got rid of him. I’m saying all of this to say, Nana, that my life has been a big ass dumpster fire from the time I was born, up until now. I’m not feelin’ sorry for myself. Please don’t think that.” She put out her hand as if to say ‘stop.’ “I’m just venting. Expressing myself. The hurt. This is part of my healing. Finally telling the truth about it, and facing it. Taking it for what it is.”
“I know that, uh, your daddy hurt you, baby.” Nana leaned forward and tapped her knee. That light, warm touch was a soothing balm.
“It wasn’t just that he hurt me, Nana. He hurt my mother, too. I know that my father asked my mother to abort me. He told me.” Nana’s complexion lost color. “Yup. I’ve known for years. Even pitched a fit when she refused. I asked my mother about it. She admitted it—said he was cryin’ and droppin’ to his knees, talking about he don’t want no babies. He hated me before I was even born.” Nadia dabbed at her eyes.
Her grandmother hung her head again, shaking it. “What else did JoAnn tell you?” She then sat a bit straighter.
“I know that he was married to someone else when he got with my mother, too. I know that mama was not aware until his divorce was final, but by then she was already pregnant with me, and forgave him. She was in love. He was in lust. She lived to regret it.”
“She shole did.” Nana huffed and flopped back in her seat. “He tricked us all though, Nadia. I thought he was a good man way back then, too. I was dumb.” She chuckled mirthlessly. “We didn’t have no online searches, Facebook, and Instafame and stuff like y’all got now to check people out. See if their story is right.”
Instafame? She means Instagram. Nadia kept her laughter to herself. Same but different, really.
“I get it, baby. Nadia, yo daddy was a man of many faces. He only showed us two of ’em. The liar, and the conman.”
“When he found religion, he doubled down on that, selling snake oil. Some things I’ve been through I definitely brought on myself. Other stuff?” She vehemently shook her head. “I ain’t deserve it, Nana. I ain’t deserve none of it!” Another tear fell, and Nana got up, dug in her pocket, and handed her a scrunched-up tissue. Nadia took it and patted at her eyes and nose. The tissue smelled like cinnamon and Cherry blossom perfume. Nana sat back down, quiet, her gaze set on her.
“I’m sorry about all of your pain, Nadia. If I could take it away, I would!” Now her voice trembled, too.
“You can’t take it away, but you can help soothe it. If high blood pressure and certain mental illnesses can be hereditary, Nana, then so can other things. Like this thing we don’t have a name for, but some call it a generational curse.”
“I don’t know what the hell is going on in this family,” Nana shook her head. “Why we end up choosing the wrong men, have men turn crazy over us, and having regrets about life in general.”
“Me, you, Mama, my aunts, my female cousins, just about all of us have never had a successful relationship or marriage, except for you with Samuel. Maybe we’re not the problem, and maybe this isn’t so unusual after all.” Nadia shrugged. “Maybe most families are like ours. But just because something is common, or happens all day and every day doesn’t mean it’s okay. Don’t make it right. People jump off bridges and plummet to their deaths all over the world. That doesn’t mean we too should jump. Especially when someone cares enough to talk us off the edge. That talk, no matter how painful, should always be the truth. The truth is the map. The truth is what sets us free.”