Chapter 61 Lucy
Lucy
After I left Simon’s apartment, I never saw him again.
I couldn’t get past the fact that it was somehow my own fault.
I’d made it crystal clear that I found him attractive.
I didn’t remember saying no. I didn’t remember saying anything.
I showered three times per day. Dad took me to our GP after a week, but I wouldn’t let him come into the office with me.
When I sat in the chair facing her, and she asked me what was wrong, I started to cry and I could not stop.
Dr Joyce asked me to take some deep breaths, but I had a full-blown panic attack right in front of her.
I thought I was going to die. She helped me on to the reclining bed and checked my vitals and then gave me a glass of water and a yellow tablet, which I later discovered was Valium.
Finally, I could speak. She coaxed the words out of me bit by bit and pieced together what had happened on Friday night.
She asked if I wanted to go to the rape crisis centre or the police.
I told her no. I agreed to a physical examination.
I told her I thought he’d used a bottle to penetrate me and she agreed that he probably did.
There was some tearing and lacerations, but they had already begun to heal.
She said she was very sorry to hear what had happened to me and wrote down the number for Women’s Aid.
She also gave me the number for a trauma counsellor and asked if I lived alone.
I was feeling a little better by then and told her I lived at home with my parents and my dad was in the waiting room and that my parents knew.
She told me to keep talking to them at the very least. She gave me a prescription for Xanax, to take when I felt panicked or overwhelmed, and she signed me off work for a month. She could not have been kinder.
On the work WhatsApp group, the word was that Simon had been mugged and was in hospital.
They were organizing a collection, and then, a week later, he resigned with immediate effect.
Everyone was shocked. I stayed out of those conversations.
Daniel never texted me after that Friday night.
I knew he was pissed off that we hadn’t turned up at Angelo’s and that I’d never called him over the weekend, but I was in no condition to talk, apologize or make small talk.
I wished with my whole heart that I had gone to Angelo’s with him.
Mum and Dad were being weird. After the morning I came home and told them what happened, Mum did not want to talk about it and that night she disappeared.
She had Dad and me worrying all night. She came back the next morning with some lame excuse but we knew she’d been drinking.
We both ignored it. Dad tried his best to keep things normal and kept talking to me.
Eventually, I told him the full story of my infatuation with Simon, and the whole thing I had imagined with Gina.
Dad looked furious. ‘Lucy, don’t you see?
He was grooming you all along,’ and it wasn’t until he said it that I realized how true it was.
Simon had been giving deliberately mixed signals the whole time.
Excluding me from the concert invite and making me blame Gina.
The lunches with her and then with me. There was a door on to his balcony in the living room.
In fact, the telescope on the balcony was positioned closer to the living-room door.
There was no need for him to bring me through his bedroom, except seduction, and when he acted shocked after I’d kissed him, it was all part of his plan.
I’d been sick with worry, and I’d apologized to him in writing.
How stupid I had been. He was setting me up, and he had the email to prove my complicity.
But Dad scared him off and apparently put him in the hospital.
I wondered about that other girl who had disappeared from the office.
Daniel thought she’d had a crush on Simon, and he’d rejected her.
Maybe he’d done the same thing to her. It stoked my anger.
A month after I was raped, I went back to work.
Walking into the office felt like walking on a tightrope.
I got to my desk and sat down. I had to remember to breathe in for four and out for eight until I stopped trembling.
Several people welcomed me back and asked about my gallbladder operation.
That was the story I used to explain my absence.
I opened my emails. There was nothing from Simon.
There was an email to say that Susan Cunningham would be leading the team going forward.
I immediately felt better. The atmosphere was normal.
At the end of the week, I subtly asked around about the girl who had left suddenly and got her name, Miranda Hayes.
Her number and email address were still in the employee database.
I didn’t know what I was going to do yet, like, you don’t ring someone up and ask if they’ve been raped. I had her number, though.
I started with a text.
Hi Miranda, I’ve been working for ComStat Holdings for 3 mths. Everyone says u were great when u were here. Did u work for Simon Perry? Heard u left before end of ur placement. Was that cos u got a better offer? Wd love to discuss if u have time?
Lucy Brady
I avoided Daniel even though I knew he was expecting an apology from me.
I was too ashamed. Despite Dad and my therapist trying to force me to see it wasn’t my fault, if I had been a loyal friend to Daniel, it wouldn’t have happened.
He blanked me in the break room, and I didn’t socialize with work colleagues again.
I didn’t care what they thought of me. I had a lot of absences over the next few months.
There were days when I couldn’t get out of bed.
I knew I was jeopardizing my career, but I couldn’t help it.