Chapter 62 Ruby
Ruby
I was back at work at the Academy by the end of August. Jack was in rehearsals for a new Mark O’Rowe play.
But Monday afternoons were Lucy’s therapy sessions and Jack insisted that I should collect her as she was likely to be at her most fragile then.
So Lucy and I both left work early on Mondays.
I made a big effort with her. Jack said we needed to wrap her in cotton wool.
The urge to drink was back, and I had a feeling that morning I wasn’t going to resist it.
I’d even parked in front of the off-licence beside the therapist’s office.
I’d had a slip on the night that Lucy came home with her story of woe, which led to me waking up with Karl from Austin.
I lied my way out of that one and Jack believed me because he wanted to.
The shame consumed me, and I couldn’t tell anyone what had happened. I’d avoided my sponsor since.
I watched Lucy emerge from the counsellor’s office where I’d been parked up for fifteen minutes. Her shoulders were slumped.
‘Hello, darling! How are you?’
She didn’t reply. We travelled in total silence. I remembered that. It was how I had been when I was faking trauma. I knew her game.
I resisted going into the off-licence. Perhaps I could get through this day. I went through all the tools in my AA arsenal: ‘A day at a time. Play the tape forward.’ The last time could have been a slip but, if I drank today, it would be a relapse. Nearly fifteen years of sobriety down the drain.
When we got back, Lucy went straight up to her room, while I prepared dinner.
Jack came home and I immediately lied and told him that I was going to the theatre with Sinéad and Jane that evening.
That was that, decision made. The lie was told.
I was going to drink. He asked me how Lucy had been after seeing her therapist.
‘No different,’ I said.
‘I know we’ve spoken about this, but –’
‘No.’
‘Don’t you think it would help her, Rubes?’
‘Jack, please.’
I shut down the conversation. We had been through this many times. I thought I had convinced him that Lucy needed me to be strong. She couldn’t see me as a victim too, I’d said.
During dinner with our silent daughter, the only thing I could think of was how soon I could get a drink. Jack asked about the show I was going to see, but I’d done my homework. I could name the actors, some of whom were friends. I knew the playwright as well.
‘I thought you didn’t like him?’ said Jack.
‘I don’t but I’m going to support Julie, you know she hasn’t been on stage in eight years. Apparently, she’s a nervous wreck.’
Lucy said, ‘That’s because she can’t act.’
It was such a relief to us that she had spoken that we laughed and agreed with her.
She seemed somewhat more relaxed today than she had since her incident.
Her plate was empty. When Jack got up to fetch more vegetables, she rose from her seat and hugged him, and he wrapped himself around her.
Whenever I’d tried to hold her, she’d flinched from my touch. I needed to get out.
‘I’ll take the bus into town,’ I said, clearing the plates away, in a rush now.
‘Hey, I’m not finished.’ Jack was looking at me curiously. ‘And you never take the bus.’
‘Yes, but parking is such a pain around there.’ I wasn’t going to drive drunk. I would be home late. I already had the Polo mints and orange in my bag. I’d sleep in the spare room, say Jack was snoring.
‘Okay, but take a taxi home? I don’t like you being in the city at night.’
‘Yes, I’ll be fine. Don’t wait up, though, we might go to the Troc afterwards.’
‘Sure.’
Lucy was staring at me. ‘Mum, I don’t want you to go out.’
I couldn’t answer her. Jack looked at me and then turned to her. ‘Your mum needs some time out, honey.’
‘From me?’
I dug my nails into my palms under the table and tried to keep my voice even. ‘No, not from you. I need a night out with some friends, darling. I know it must seem impossible to you, but life must go on.’ I needed to get away from her badly.
‘Will you be talking about me?’ Her big brown eyes filled with tears.
‘Do you want me to?’
‘No.’
‘Good, because we have happier things to talk about, like Jane’s upcoming party.’ I grinned.
Jack glared at me. Lucy pushed her chair back and stormed up to her bedroom.
‘Maybe you shouldn’t go out –’ Jack began.
‘We have to live our lives.’ Even if it did happen, it had been well over a month ago now.
‘I thought that you, of all people, would understand. But your behaviour has been so … erratic,’ he said.
‘Don’t you get it? I am triggered by all of this. That’s why I needed to get away the night Lulu came home after the assault. A hotel room on my own with the phone turned off. You should be grateful that I’m not drinking.’ This was the lie that got me off the hook the morning after.
‘Do Sinéad and Jane know?’
‘About me? Or Lucy? No, it’s none of their business.’
‘I know we said we’d keep it private, for Lucy’s sake, but it might help you to talk to them about your own experience?’
I closed my eyes as if by doing so I could plug my ears too.
‘Shut up, Jack. I’m over it. I did the rehab and the therapy. It’s not something that you casually bring up during the interval of a show, is it? “Did I tell you I was raped when I was sixteen?”’