Chapter Thirty-Three
Thirty-Three
I sat crying in my car outside my apartment building, depleted from the shock, stress, and emotional confrontation. I was trying to muster the courage to face Joanna in the middle of the day. What I needed was a corn burrito and a hug before I let my misery swallow me whole. The only thought racing through my mind over and over again was YOU’RE AN IDIOT! What the hell had I been thinking?
No one will know. We had laughed when I came up with this harebrained scheme. Well, they all knew now. Bobby Dean had replaced me at the bowling alley, so I had absolutely nothing to fall back on. I needed Joanna to help me come up with ideas for how to get me back on my feet. Not that I really deserved it. I fucked things up so royally with Danuwoa that I doubted I’d ever get a decent night’s sleep again. I just knew that as I was about to fall asleep, the scene of me getting fired in front of him would play back on a loop—probably for the rest of my life—keeping me awake as I cringed into my pillow, begging for it to swallow me whole.
I screamed and hit the steering wheel. Our older neighbor, Suzy, was staring at me, horrified, holding her trash on her way to the dumpster. I mumbled an apology as I got out of the car and went inside.
Joanna wasn’t even freaking home.
It had been weeks of my brother greeting me on the couch, but today it was empty. He must have been at his new high-paying job or whatever. I had no one to turn to, and all I wanted to do was run away and hide.
Run away! That was it. I’d go home to Auntie. She would know what to do.
I began packing my pink duffel bag, throwing in whatever I touched in my closet. Then I took out a handful of socks and undies from my drawer to throw in too. My father’s letter fluttered on top of my bag.
Was I looking for more disappointment? There was no way I could possibly feel any worse than this—I was at rock bottom. I ripped open the letter and laughed out loud. To say it was brief was an understatement. I hadn’t heard from this man in decades, and his all-caps handwritten apology barely took up half a page of college-ruled composition paper.
EMBER TIMBER,
REMEMBER WHEN I USED TO PUSH YOU ONTO THE BED YELLING “TIMBER!”?
I did. He was the only one to have ever called me Ember Timber, and it made my heart clench. So much I had blocked out because it was easier. I never thought I’d ever hear—well, read—that nickname again in my life.
WE HAD A LOT OF FUN WHEN YOU AND YOUR brOTHER WERE LITTLE. THERE WERE A LOT OF GOOD TIMES. I’M REALLY SORRY FOR THE BAD ONES. YOUR MOM AND I FOUGHT A LOT AND YOU WERE OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON. I WAS IN A BAD PLACE, AND SINCE I’M WRITING TO YOU FROM JAIL, I’M STILL IN A BAD PLACE. I KNOW THERE ISN’T ANYTHING I CAN SAY THAT WILL MAKE IT BETTER. I DOUBT YOU WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME. I CAN’T OFFER MUCH OF ANYTHING EXCEPT TO SAY THAT I’M SORRY. I’M SORRY EMBER THAT I LEFT YOU AND SAGE. I’M SORRY I NEVER CALLED. I FIGURED YOU WERE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME. I WASN’T MEANT TO BE A DAD, BUT THAT IS NO EXCUSE. IT’S NOT MUCH, BUT I’M SORRY.
DAD MITCH
I cried. I told myself I had no expectations, that I didn’t want to read his letter. That I didn’t need his words. But I was a lost little girl alone in a shitty apartment with no job and no boyfriend and no future because I had just majorly fucked up my life. I was old enough to remember the day my dad left and never came back. I watched him walk out that door with the innocent hope of a little girl who only wanted her family to stay together. My parents had an explosive fight, and Sage was crying, and it was too much for Mitch. He never even looked back at me to say goodbye, but he knew he was never going to return. Our mother cried in bed that night, and I picked up a crying Sage and opened a can of SpaghettiOs. That was when I started taking care of everyone.
I crumpled the letter. I had no emotional capacity to go down this road, trapped in the past and crying over a childhood I never had and a life I never would. I had to focus on today and now. He was right—an apology acknowledging he was a screwup didn’t fix anything, but it was more than other people got. He was alive. He was in jail. He remembered me. It was going to have to be enough.
I didn’t want a relationship with my dad, but I did want one with Sage. I heard the front door open and close, then a loud clang as something heavy dropped on the floor. I went out to the living room.
Sage was standing there in a white shirt, jeans, and work boots. He was covered in some sort of dust. I ran and wrapped him in a bear hug. He was my baby brother. He made stupid mistakes, but he wasn’t my dad.
I was going to make sure he didn’t end up like him either.
“Whoa, what’s wrong? Why are you crying? Did Dan do something? Do I gotta grab Tito and we go and beat the shit out of him for you?”
“No.” I sniffed a giggle. “I love you.”
He awkwardly patted my back. “I love you too.”
I pulled away to get a good look at him. “You’re working construction then?”
“Yeah, it’s good money. It’s dumb how good it is. And look, one of the guys gave me some old tools.” Sage started showing me his tool belt and the hammer and work gloves. I smiled, because he reminded me of six-year-old Sage at Christmas again. When he was done showing me his tools, he dug through his backpack. “I gotta shower and get this dust off me. It was windy at the site.”
“Yeah, go ahead.”
“You sure you’re okay?”
I hadn’t realized I was a leaking faucet with more tears in my eyes. “Yeah, I read Dad’s letter.” I waved my hands around like the idea of reading it was no big deal.
“What did he say?”
“He just said he was sorry,” I said, shrugging.
Sage nodded. “Good. He needed to.”
“I still don’t want a relationship with him. What you do is your business, but if and when he gets out of jail, I don’t want him around me.”
“That’s fine. I don’t expect he will be dad of the year, but it would be nice to have someone besides Auntie.”
“We have each other and Joanna and Tito.” Even if Tito pissed me off. My heart was pretty full of people who gave a shit about me.
Sage leaned his shoulder against the hall wall, his clean clothes crumpled in a ball in his hand. “Are you and Dan okay?” he asked.
“No. I lost my job today.”
“What?”
I threw myself on the couch, facedown. “Because I’ve been lying,” I said into the cushion.
“That doesn’t sound like you.”
“I’ve been lying to you and Auntie too.”
“About what?”
“I lied to get my job. I said I had a degree, and I don’t. I lied to Danuwoa. I have lied to everyone.”
“Shit…”
“Yeah…I didn’t want anyone to know, especially Auntie.”
He pushed off the wall and knelt in front of me on the floor. “I’m sorry, E. I told you I’m gonna work to pay you back. When I get you the money, you can go back to school and not have to lie anymore and find another job.”
“I don’t think I can use them as a reference to get another office job. I can’t even go back to the bowling alley.”
“You can keep applying for entry-level jobs in an office, if that’s your dream.”
“For now, I just need a job.”
“You’ll get one.”
“I’m going home for a bit to clear my mind.”
Sage bent his head. “Why don’t you try talking to Danuwoa? He is practically in love with you.”
“I can’t. I really hurt him with my lies. He witnessed it all go down with my boss. He has his life together, and I’m a train wreck. He deserves someone better.”
“Shut up,” he said, getting up from the floor and heading to the bathroom.
“What do you mean?”
“Let the man decide that for himself. Why do you make everything so hard on yourself?”
“I do not!”
“Do too! Call the guy and tell him the truth, and if he’s an idiot and doesn’t want to be with you, then Tito and I will still jump him in a parking lot somewhere.” Sage disappeared, and I heard the shower start running.
I was a notorious overthinker, but it was what I did. If I anticipated the worst, then when it happened, I was prepared for it. Except I was never actually prepared for any of this. Not for getting fired and certainly not for falling for Danuwoa.
I loaded up my little SUV that was now too expensive for my unemployed lifestyle. That was a worry for tomorrow. I had to get out of the city and away from the shitstorm I had created. Sometimes lying was easier, but shit got a lot harder when the truths started hammering down.
Breaking bad news to Auntie was always easier when I came bearing gifts. I hoped she was hungry for burgers for dinner.