Chapter 24
XXIV.
The tsarina was out of temper, more than usual, and I paid for it several times that day.
That evening, in the final moments of being dismounted for what was probably her last go of the day before retiring, I sat up and settled my back against the footboard of her bed, legs pulled up to my chest. I didn’t care about what had set her off, but I was probably looking at another couple of days and nights spent at the foot of her bed, making up for her foul mood.
“What have I done now?” I asked.
She shot me a glare over her shoulder as she went to fetch her robe.
“You can tell me,” I said, “and I can try to understand what’s going on, or you can not tell me and just be angry with me forever.”
I fully believed that she wanted reasons to be angry, especially with me, so that she could rationalize her mistreatment. She might never tell me, if indeed she had a reason for her moodiness, just so she could continue with her behavior without having to think about it.
One arm at a time through the gauzy fabric of her robe, she stared at me. “You never asked how I was.”
She had surely heard about the situation on petition day with me, and she had seen the bald patches now growing in, and she never asked how I was either.
“Since you’ve had me resume my functions,” I said, “I thought it was evident that you were doing significantly better.”
“And,” she went to the samovar, “you didn’t do anything to help when I was ill. I don’t think you care at all.”
I cared very much in how her ill-health might affect me, but she was correct. I didn’t care about her. How could I? What reason had she ever given me to do so?
“If I die, you’re stuck like that,” she said.
How much of an idiot did she think I was?
I could see right through her lies. I was stuck like this, no matter what.
Even if her assurance of a way out was true — which I didn’t believe — that was an impossible requirement.
Holding onto that kind of hope was exhausting in its futility, and I was already so tired.
This was forever, her death or not. And it made everything easier, not looking for a way out.
“What would you have had me do?” I gestured to the chain that she kept affixed to the bed.
“Something. Anything!”
“If I had called for help, you would have been furious at me for breaking the silence you yourself imposed!” The futility of my situation was not a revelation.
She would have been upset with me for anything I did or did not do.
“You want me to be your Otherland pet. I did as you asked and behaved as any pet would have.”
“I just want you to care,” she said. “I don’t think you care at all!”
I had a choice. I could tell her the truth, that I didn’t. Or I could do as she did to me and lie. Maybe neither choice would make any difference, but it might.
I took a deep breath, stilled my fury, and then held her gaze.
“Of course I care!” I held my hands out to her, palms up, asking for hers. “I have been beside myself with worry. I didn’t dare ask after you for fear that I might hear dreadful news, and I couldn’t bear it.”
I surprised myself with how convincing I sounded. And I convinced her. She hurried over to me, her own hands outstretched, taking mine as she lowered herself back to the ground beside me.
“You didn’t seem like it mattered to you at all,” she accused with red-rimmed eyes.
“I dare not show you my distress,” I said, “when you carry the heavy responsibility of managing the empire.”
She clung to my hands, squeezing them and holding them close.
“I have been so sad and so lonely,” which weren’t exactly lies, “but I haven’t wanted to burden you with my upset.
” I worried about overdoing it, but I had her, and she wanted to believe it.
“And then I worried that, perhaps, even knowing who I had once been, you found me too repellent to continue thinking upon me kindly. I truly think you hate me sometimes.”
“Never!” She abandoned one of my hands to stroke my face. “You have always been my favorite.”
The tsarina’s favorite. Her favor didn’t feel like favor, not when it came partnered with increasingly worse punishments.
She pulled my head down and kissed my brow.
I struggled not to pull away and push her off me.
I didn’t want her affection, but I had honesty with Alaina now.
Endurance of the tsarina’s falseness sat a little easier because it meant fewer restrictions in enjoying the only authentic connection I had to anyone nowadays.
“You always seem so discontent,” she said.
“I am bored,” I confessed. “The conditions you’ve set for me ensure that I cannot read or idle my time with others. I am accustomed to more engagement and activity than currently allowed. Boredom ensures that I have no other occupation than to notice every discomfort and dwell upon every anxiety.”
“Should I keep you with me more often?” She stroked my face consolingly. “You seem discontent with that too.”
“With you, I must still act and behave like I do not understand anything of my surroundings.”
“I see.” She dropped her hand from my face. “And what then is Princess Alaina’s interest in you?”
There we were. That was what had been bothering her this whole time. Not my lack of caring.
I feigned ignorance. “What do you mean?”
“She mentioned your discontent to me.”
“When I was outside, she used to come and read, often aloud. Practicing her Ilyichian, I assumed. I enjoyed listening to it.”
“Is that all?”
“I would not know. Unlike the other ladies of your court, she never wanted anything to do with me when she knew who I was.”
“And since?”
“You handed my lead to her once, and she was patient with me.”
“Nothing else?”
I pretended to think and consider as if every one of our precious interactions were not burned on the inside of my skull.
“I am ill-adept at playing the part you’ve assigned to me,” I said, “to the point that others have noticed. I think she realizes that I am as alone as she is. She is afraid of me though and trying not to be since you have demonstrated that you are not.”
“And why would she do that?”
“Who else does she have to look up to? You have been her only example of true leadership and authority.” And that, though flattery, was also true, and I hated that for Alaina.
Would that she could see a sovereignty not based on bitterness and resentment!
“And, from the little I have gathered, she is in much the same situation as you once were,” I framed it without blaming the tsarina, “living in a foreign land after tragedy made her a widow. Surely, she sees herself in you. And she sees the heights to which you have ascended after so much hardship. Can you blame her for wishing to be all that you have become — even if it is through such poor means as overcoming her fear of me?”
“Do you really think so?” For once, her face had gone nearly blank, the lines of malice disappearing in her contemplation of an idea she had not yet entertained. “All she ever seems to do is whine to go back to her precious Altania.”
“I do not know her well enough to say it with any certainty,” I offered, “but how could she not long for your approval? And if she does not feel as if she will ever earn it, then perhaps that is when she most longs for her homeland. I too despair when I convince myself that you abhor the very sight of me.”
“Oh, my darling.” She took my hand in both of hers and squeezed it. “I could never! I cannot always be with you. And unlike her, I do have obligations on my time that I cannot keep you entertained.”
“I would not expect you to sit and read to me for hours,” I assured her.
“She’s discontent, and you are too.” She narrowed her eyes at me. “What if I charged her with reading to you an hour a day?”
“If you must.” I sighed as if I hated the idea. “She might refuse. Especially if you want her to do it in public. My cage is far too accessible for her to willingly practice her Ilyichian. She hasn’t done it since I’ve come inside, and I can only suppose that is the reason.”
“She certainly has a lot to say about how you’re kept for not visiting you.”
Was the tsarina’s suggestion that Alaina didn’t visit an acknowledgment that she didn’t know the princess visited, or a test to see how much I would admit to?
“She visits occasionally,” I admitted, “mostly at a distance. She just doesn’t read aloud anymore.
” And then I pushed because I didn’t want Alaina to take the brunt of the tsarina’s annoyance and because the tsarina’s jealousy might hold sway if she thought Alaina had any kindly intentions towards me.
“Don’t inflict me upon the princess. Even as a man, she couldn’t stand me.
Her attempts at overcoming her fear are valiant but ultimately impossible.
And I do not relish the idea of being subjected to the sole company of someone who reviles me in any guise I wear.
” I added, “Not that anyone wants anything to do with me now, unless it’s to pluck a feather.
Your subjects much abused my accessibility the other day. ”
“So I have been told.” Her face collapsed into deep furrows from brow to chin.
“Which is why I need to figure out what to do with you.” She stroked my hand again.
“She may not be the ideal companion, but my niece-by-law has been vocal about your upkeep, and it may be good for her to see that it is more challenging than she supposes. You will at least be safe with her and, if it is not so public, perhaps she will resume reading to you.”
“Are you abandoning me?” I clung to her hand. “Am I not to see you?”
“Shhh,” she stroked my face. “I can retrieve you as easily from her apartments as anywhere else. Do not fear, my dear. I will never abandon you.”
“You will not forget about me when you shut me away with the princess?” I asked, playing to her need to be wanted.
“Of course not.”